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Post by fishfry on Jun 29, 2006 14:09:42 GMT -5
Creole, Thanks for your post in my journal. I read your journal with admiration for you -- your guts and determination to work through the difficulties between your husband, your family and yourself. My thoughts are with you.
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Post by LookingUp on Jun 29, 2006 16:22:47 GMT -5
(((((((((((((((((((((((( Creole ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
That sucks. You're handling it so well, but I'd be beside myself if my husband gave somebody else access to our computer and then told me to go to a counselor to work on me. Sheesh! I'm sorry he's unable/unwilling to try to connect with you right now; but glad you're remembering your goals and heading in that important direction. You're posts always cheer and encourage me with your common sense approach to recovery.
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Post by findingjoy on Jun 29, 2006 20:39:47 GMT -5
Man... I'm not even sure what to say here, Creole. You're stronger. You're detached. He's... what? I have no idea. Co-dep? But that's such a general phrase. What is going on in this guy's head? Is he oblivious that giving someone access to your computer violates your privacy?? Can he honestly be that clueless? Or is it some weird passive-agressive sh!t? And telling you to go to counseling? While that's never a bad thing to do, it's pretty darned condescending. I mean if he were to say, "Honey, I think we should discuss this with an objective, trained third-party, like a counselor. Can we find one that we can see together?" I would understand him not wanting joint sessions with the counselor you're seeing, but that doesn't let him off the hook. I'm just sitting here shaking my head. I know we don't see all the interpersonal dynamics going on between you two, but he is coming across here as pretty darned clueless or mean or pain coming across passive-agressively. To my mind it has to be one of these. Then again, I'm not a therapist. Wow. Unless something changes... what hope is there? A question for you? Is there a part of you that wants this relationship to get healthier and be salvaged? Or are you just waiting for the pieces to finally fall into place so you feel right about leaving? Or is it something else? I guess I'm just trying to figure out what you want - best case scenario. I'm realizing, finally, I think, that I just want Peter gone, for example. I'm realizing the questions aren't, "What should I do?" but rather, "What do I really want?" That's helping me clarify things (at least for now, of course. I'll likely be neurotic for awhile yet ) Take care, Creole. I'll pray for you some more and thanks for keeping me in your prayers. fj
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Post by creole on Jun 30, 2006 16:49:39 GMT -5
Thanks for the input FJ. I am always grateful to you when you post in my journal. Wow. Unless something changes... what hope is there? A question for you? Is there a part of you that wants this relationship to get healthier and be salvaged? Or are you just waiting for the pieces to finally fall into place so you feel right about leaving? Or is it something else? In answer to the above, part of me answers yes to both of your questions. The emotional Creole that still loves her H wants the relationship to survive, but the rational, realistic Creole can see the proverbial "writing on the wall" as to how much longer I can tolerate his behaviors. Years ago, when I taught school, I prayed each morning for patience and the Man has blessed me with plenty of patience. One of the things I discovered in recovery is that I need to make no decisions when my inner child is in control. . . .those emotional choices tend to wreck such havoc on my life. I am not saying that I'm an angel to live with cause I ain't. I am aware that I dish out the emotional battering as well as anyone. . .but I've progressed in that I recognize when I get emotionally triggered and begin to do that and when that happens, I take a deep breath and a time out for me. Hell, FJ, I never considered the passive-agressive angle. I did try to talk with him last night; I told him how aggrivated and frustrated I became when the computer kept asking me to confirm the program was on there, and even though I understood the applications he wanted to use it for, I was not happy that he just arbitrarily chosen to put the program on the computer. He became very defensive and quickly told me that I didn't have any control over him, that he would put whatever he wanted on the computer and that I was really in need of the counselor since it had been over a year since I discovered his SA and I still didn't couldn't get over the computer trust issue. He still doesn't get it. . . . . Perhaps it seems that I'm a glutton for punishment, but my time on the road gives me a break from all the negatives in our relationship and allows me me to appreciate him in a different way. Time is fleeting. . . .and I'm learning to find my quiet time so that I determine what I really want. I pray for an answer daily, and God does answer prayers, of that I am absolutely certain. I have turned it over to him. . . (((HUG))) My thanks for the prayers FJ. Peace and blessings, Creole
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Post by cflanders on Jun 30, 2006 17:41:56 GMT -5
I need to make no decisions when my inner child is in control. . . .
Amen to that, sister. ;D
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Post by creole on Jul 5, 2006 8:47:37 GMT -5
A holiday weekend should be filled with excitement, joy and fun. . . mine was filled with pain, emotional pain.
It began well enough. . .trip to the farmer's market on Saturday to purchase two boxes of fresh tomatoes then the rest of the day being spent in making the marinara sauce. It was wonderful. H was in a pretty good mood. Sunday was spent watching the Twilight Zone marathon on Sci-Fi (I love the Twilight Zone reruns!). H became very amorous and initiated sex with me. I responded and was enjoying the foreplay and being with him when "Bam", he just shut down. No explanation, just withdrew from me, rolled over and never said a word. I asked him to talk to me, and he wouldn't respond. The next am he gets up, stomps and bangs thru the house before leaving to go to the gym to work out. A few hours later he returns and I asked him if he wanted to talk to me about what was bothering him. He yelled, "what do you THINK is bothering me?". I looked him in the eye and said, "your ED is causing your anxiety and your depressed". H followed me into the TV room and began talking. . .sex is part of being healthy and he doesn't know what to do about his sexuality. He said that he can't MB and that he doesn't look at porn or write the fantasies, but his "balls hurt so bad". I asked him if he initiated sex with me to get a fix or to be truly intimate with me. He looked at me and said "how can you ask that?". I listened to him talk and he is so depressed, he even talked about killing himself which really concerns me. I told him that I have an appointment with the counselor scheduled for today and that I think he really needs to talk with her more than I do. It is apparant to him that he is merely sober, that he hasn't really moved forward into true recovery, that he hasn't addressed all the repressed rage and anger from his childhood. I suggested that he use my website resources to begin working thru his issues, to begin diffusing some of his anger but he would have no part of it. I also begged him to go see a doctor and begin any sort of anxiety medications, but he flatly refuses to ever take a pill for his depression; in his words, "I'd rather check out than be a walking drugged zombie". H told me that he has nothing to live for, and I pointed out to him that he had lots to live for--our beautiful daughter, our home, his music. He just sat on the sofa, cried and shook his head. He slept most of that afternoon and almost all of yesterday. . . .limited conversations. Still using a joint and alcohol to self medicate.
Monday night my stepmom phoned and was very depressed, missing Daddy. She and I had a good cry together. Not five minutes later, my mom phoned to let me know that my oldest daughter, the crack addict, had phoned her all hysterical and begging her to take her in. On top of my H's emotional desperation, I also have my step-mom's grieving and my mom falling to pieces too not to mention my own grief. Hell, it feels like there is not time for my own grief. . . .
The last 48 hours have been very difficult. I am still gonna try to get him in to see the counselor today. I will keep the appointment if he doesn't go. I really need her advice right now. .
I'm scheduled to leave on another road trip on Sunday. Part of me looks forward to it, but a part of me is dreading it. Another co-dep hurdle, can't control anything.
All I can do is pray. . . .
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Post by findingjoy on Jul 5, 2006 10:32:02 GMT -5
... and I stand in prayer with you, Creole.
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Post by creole on Jul 6, 2006 9:00:22 GMT -5
Thank you for the prayerful support Joy; strange but I can feel when someone prays for me.
Although I tried to get my H to use my time with the counselor last night, he refused, so I went to see her. Explained about his 4 slips and how he couldn't accept my anger telling me that he thought I was "further along" than I was. Explained about how he really didn't volunteer to be physically available to support me during the days following Daddy's death other than the required presence at the visitation and funeral service (ie, I drove myself to Dad's when I got the phone call--I told him that Dad had passed, and he said he was so sorry, but didn't volunteer to get up out of bed and drive me or ride with me to Dad's at 11:30 pm; not there to help me choose the casket, did not stay to visit with my family after we ate at the church). Explained that H told me that he is in physical pain (his balls hurt) and his remarks after he and I had sex, how he used me for his fix, "at least my balls don't hurt anymore". Explained about the computer program and how defensive he became and how he told me that I couldn't control him. Explained how he kept insisting that I needed to go to counseling. Explained the changes in his behavior and the two bouts of depression within three weeks, his statement that he wanted to end it all. Explained how I encouraged him to do the self-work to release his anger, his rage and to get past the pain of the past. Explained how my crack addict daughter was dying alive. . .
Deep breath. The counselor affirmed my viewpoint--that he has regressed to the addictive state again, wants me to change so that things will be better. We discussed the difference between sobriety and recovery. I told her that I wasn't trying to take his inventory and I couldn't help him with his addiction, but from my point of view, his sobriety is questionable and his recovery won't happen until he wants it to. I also mentioned to her that I had purchased the Carnes book "Sexual Anorexia" and after reading about two chapters, he discounted it because Carnes cited research from Kinsey, and Kinsey was a known child molester. Yeah justification for no recovery.
She pointed out that during our counseling sessions last year, we discussed my ending the relationship and I frankly told her that I felt that is where this situation with H is heading. We discussed the possibility that he threw out the suicide as a co-dep attempt to control ME, to guilt me into behaving in a way that I don't want to, and to make choices based on the fear of what he might do to himself. We discussed his passive agressive behavior with me and how he is blameshifting, justifying and making everything my fault rather than looking at himself.
She told me that my plate was full. . .that I was doing very well considering all that I am dealing with right now. She advised me to just take my time, take care of myself, and to continue with my grief and my recovery. She told me that the time I'm still too emotional right now to make a decision about ending the marriage, but that if he doesn't move forward, she knows I will leave, as do I.
I felt like a two ton load had been lifted from me. . . .validation is a wonderful gift.
Peace and blessings,
Creole
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Post by findingjoy on Jul 6, 2006 10:12:55 GMT -5
I'm actually glad your H didn't use the counseling session. You needed that. And you are doing incredibly well in the midst of all of this. I am so encouraged by your strength and maturity.
Of course it's painful, but I don't see you self destructing, damaging property or hurting others. You're allowing yourself to experience the pain, which is a crucial part of owning our essential humanity.
Are there ways you can self-nurture right now?
fj
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Post by creole on Jul 7, 2006 17:03:10 GMT -5
(((JOY))))) As always, I am most grateful for your support, encouragement and your insight. I will be nurturing me. . .about to be on the road for a week. Three days of audits and two days of genealogy reseach in north Georgia and then to Nashville, TN to visit with my sister, BIL & my grandchildren before returning home next Sunday. When I'm on the road, I get to have my quiet time and solitude, read my books and work on me and my recovery. I feel so much stronger emotionally when I return home. . .maybe thats not a bad thing at this point in time. When I'm on the road, if I want to cry and grieve the loss of my Dad, I can do it. Not that I hide it from my H, but hotel rooms are good for grieving; I just prefer to grieve privately. While in Georgia, I will be staying at a beautiful Bed & Breakfast in the town where my great-great grandfather lived; the house was actually standing at the time he and his family lived there. I love genealogical research and this trip was one that Daddy and I had discussed and planned, but we never got to make. Its a way of honoring him and his love of family--Daddy was the one in charge of our family reunions, keeping the information out there, maintaining the family history. He taught me well and I know that if the information is there, we'll find it! Then, I get to spend 48 hours with my beautiful twin granddaughters! What a joy to see them, spend time with them, play and laugh. That in and of itself is a wonderful nurturing gift! I have scheduled a day of self-pampering for tomorrow--manicure, pedicure & massage. Forget the housework, that will always be waiting. I need to take care of me, take time to enjoy the blessings of the day. As to H, its outta my hands. . .his recovery is his recovery. Heck, mine is difficult enough right now. Its been very hard to recognize and break years of co-dep behavior and thinking, but every day gets little easier. Sigh, its up to H to recover. . .he was having a pity party for "poor pitiful *#&$# ED up me", is in denial, but will not go to the counselor or attempt to get any other help. Mea culpa, but I can do no more. Right now, I can't even empathize with him. Will be at least a week before I am back. . . .fj, if you talk to Karen, please tell her that she is in my prayers. Peace and blessings, Creole
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Post by creole on Jul 24, 2006 15:27:29 GMT -5
Well, it took me a bit of searching to find my journal. I've popped in to the Board a few times while I was away but didn't feel the need to post.
In fact, my trip was a good one. . .and the two nights at the Bed & Breakfast were heavenly. A midnight dip in the pool, a glass of merlot, being serenaded by the cicadas. Eggs benedict and fresh fruit with coffe & juice for breakfast, wireless internet, cable TV, a big front porch with rockers. Man, I could live there! The cave and the spring were awesome!
Off to Tennessee. . . .thru Fort Payne which is absolutely beautiful. Spent time with my sister & granddaughters before the 9 hour drive home on Sunday.
H was very happy to see me come home; his mother told me today that he really mopes around when I'm on the road. Our new tempurpedic mattress arrived last Wednesday and it has made a difference in my quality of sleep. No more backaches! H and I did enjoy an old fashioned evening on the front porch last week. . .electricity went out while I was cooking dinner but I was able to finish it since I have a gas range. We ate on the front porch, talked, and just enjoyed the evening as the temps had dropped to the mid 80's and the breeze was blowing.
So much for domestic tranquility. . .
I asked H if he'd been to see our counselor--what a silly question indeed! I then asked him what he'd done to work on his recovery while I was away. No answer. . .I must remember that sobriety does not equal recovery. Only he knows whether he was sober and abstained. . .
Also, crack addict daughter called and chewed me out; she became angry because I refused to give her money. I calmly told her that I wasn't gonna tolerate her screaming at me and talking to me the way she was and that if she continued I would end the conversation. You guessed it-- I hung up the phone on her, which is a real turnaround as that's the way she usually ends conversations with me. 2 years ago, an indicent like that would have sent me into a major emotional guilt ticket trip, would have made my co-dep need to "fix it" kick into high gear! I can't fix it. . .all I can do is fix me.
I feel very centered and grounded right now. No co-dep tendencies and no SA tendencies. Perhaps I have found balance, and even it it lasts just a little while, it sure does feel good! In fact, on Sunday, I will resign as Secretary-Treasurer of an equine organization that I currently belong to when the Board of Directors meets. They are gonna flip and fall backwards, and I will finish out the year, but someone else is gonna have to step up. I have other, more interesting things to do with my life! In the past, I used my activities/responsibilities with the club to avoid dealing with my H, our relationship, and my own misery and unhappiness. I've grown past that, and I can still be involved, but in a less demanding capacity. Yeah, its time to look out for me and what makes me happy. This can definately be moved off the plate!
Although I am still working "free lance" for the attorney at $50/hour, I am even cutting back on that as well. Humm, I'd rather go genealogy researching, go visit my friends, take a nap or read a good book.
My hope is that Karen and FJ as well as Fishfry are all well. I don't think LU is back from vacation. Who have I forgotton?
Until my next post, peace and blessings.
Creole
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Post by creole on Jul 24, 2006 16:12:10 GMT -5
I tried to read the posts on the Partner's forum. . .I believe that I could offer lots to someone, but wading thru the negativity, hostility and downright nastiness in some of those threads just aint' worth it. Not that I'm opposed to Virginia Wolff moments, I am pretty good at em, but for the last few months, it seems to me that there's been too much bickering and negativity. Don't know if I'll post anywhere except my journal.
Progress, not perfection Creole.
Time for a toddy--chilled traminer-reisling on a front porch with the mockingbirds and the cicadas.
I'm really wishing peace and blessings. . . .
Creole
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Post by creole on Jul 24, 2006 16:21:22 GMT -5
A good quote from BlackSpiral: Nobody here is pure of heart, nor comes here knowing all the answers; we come here looking to find them, seeking a way to deal with the impurity that has scarred our lives, and advice and knowledge to build with. . . . Recovery is a journey of discovery and growth; you start out small, not knowing exactly what you need to do or how you need to do it, struggling to find your way. And as you proceed, you grow stronger, more knowledgeable, better equipped to deal with the problems you face and to really build up sobriety and recovery. Everyone starts the climb at the bottom of the mountain, not the top. The real requirement here isn't knowledge, wisdom, insight or puritiy; it's simply a willingness and determination to seek the path you need to walk.
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Post by creole on Aug 1, 2006 13:23:13 GMT -5
Just a quick post. . .emotionally, I am in a good place. How much I've changed in a year. . . and its a good thing! Day by day, the best I can be. . . .no Pollyanna or rose colored glasses. I am still disappointed that my H isn't in recovery, but hey, that's his issue, not mine.
May not check in again for a while. . .another road trip!
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Post by creole on Aug 30, 2006 9:47:21 GMT -5
Thirty days since the last post. . . .I've been travelling, working on my recovery and serenity, enjoying LIVING! Last week I audited in Hot Springs, Arkansas and treated myself on both Friday and Saturday to the spa and massage. The massage felt sooooo good; I couldn't believe the knots in my shoulders. The massage therapist (who was also a licensed physical therapist) told me that I had years of tension and stress all knotted up. Took her over an hour to get the knots out, and I went back the next day for another intensive deep tissue massage of my shoulders. Worth EVERY penny! I can't believe what I've missed for so many years. Believe me, I will be making regular quarterly trips back to the spa to take care of myself. No one else is gonna take care of me but me!
Today is a special day, one filled with happiness, anticipation and yet sadness. For the first time in many years, I awoke on my birthday feeling excited and happy. Yes, I am at the half-century mark.
Reflections: In truth, I've lived over half my life, and for most of that time, I was so unhappy and didn't know what was wrong with me or why I felt like I did. In spite of the pain, Revelation Day was good for me. . . I was forced to confront. I went to counseling, acknowledged and addressed my co-dependent skewed beliefs caused by the the hurts and pain in my life, worked on healing my inner child, and learning to believe in myself. I found this Board just over a year ago, been helped by others; since our town has no support group, the counselor and the members of this Board helped me weather some really tough, gut wrenching situations. To the members of this Board--know that I will always be grateful to you and appreciative of the support, advice and empathy that I received from you.
With regard to my marriage, I've been married over half my life. . .still can't say whether H & I will continue or agree to dissolve. He still does not trust me. . . .and I continue to feel frustrated with his attitude that sobriety = recovery, but what the hell. It is counterproductive to my co-dep recovery to worry over and become tangled in a situation that I can't control or change. Let it go Creole, let it go. . . .
Before Revelation Day, at the height of my co-dependency, I would look for someone to give me advice, I wanted someone to take care of me, solve my problems, and I felt it was my obligation to help and do what I could to make things right. My helping others validated my own self image. Now, I know that the answer is inside me, and was the whole time. I can help anyone, because of love and caring, and not to gain their approval or my own self-approval. I've learned to be still, quiet and wait for the answers. I've learned to honor my intuition, and to express my emotions, especially anger. Self sufficiency is good, detaching is good.
Today I feel special! I am a beautiful, intelligent, caring woman. I am not worried about my weight, my wrinkles, or my H and what he does. I have learned to say NO, I have become financially self-sufficient, I set goals and I achieved them. Very different from the Creole of a year ago. Every day brings me another opportunity to be the best I can be, to be honest with myself and to simply enjoy life.
Today is a sad day also because for the first time in my memory, I will not hear my Daddy's voice, will not hear him laugh as he teases me about another birthday. Call me hokey, call me disillusioned, but I do believe that my Daddy will send me a birthday blessing/gift but I must keep my ears, eyes and heart open and ready to experience.
Off to the beach next week. . . .I love my new job!
Peace and blessings,
Creole
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