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Post by LookingUp on May 16, 2005 14:56:26 GMT -5
I'd like to keep this thread a place of openess, support and learning. If you want to reply - make sure it's validating, supportive or kindly points out holes in my reasons. If you're just having a bad day and want to take it out on an SO then please take the high road.
I never thought I'd start an online journal. I was afraid my husband would find it and be hurt. His porning and other addictions have hurt both of us enough that I wouldn't want to be the one to cause him (or me) more pain.
But there's a part of me that wants this world-visible link. It seems almost poetic justice. He took photos from the world-visible porn, destroyed my life as I'd known it with himself in private. Hopefully this will work in reverse. I take my most private thoughts and put them world visible. Although I know my logic is probably faulty - hopefully this will make it go full circle and end the pain.
I woke up yesterday morning after having a dream of my ex-husband - the one who I was married to for over 20 years and who was a PA/SA and gave my syphyllis and didn't tell me until the doc found it in tertiary stages. In the dream we were playing with our youngest son - when he was about his son's age (my grandson). We were happy. We were laughing and talking and dreaming of the future. Then he leaned over to kiss the back of my neck - or so I thought. But instead he pushed needles in my neck and upper back. He kept pushing more and they hurt. I ask him to stop and tried to wriggle away and his grasp became firmer and he kept pushing more painful needles in me and I was trying not to scream because I didn't want to upset our baby. I seldom remember dreams, so thought it was weird and went about my day without thinking of it again.
I woke up from a nap today and recognized the dream was pretty symbolic of my relationships. I marry with hopes and dreams and the porn is the needles that my mate inflicts on me. I ask my husband(s) to stop, I tell them it hurts and they continue to poke painful holes in me where I can't see and where I have no control to protect myself.
My other thought for the day: after a wonderful, spiritual day like yesterday, how come my first thoughts of the next day are the self-pitying thoughts that come from being an SO?
This morning I grieved because I realized my husband and I have had nothing but superficial conversations for months or years. If I ask a self-disclosing question I get one of three answers, "I don't know." "I never thought about it." or "I'll think about it and get back to you." In a few weeks, I'll ask if he's thought about it and he puts it off.
He's a good roommate. He's helpful, kind, cheerful, never critical and a good cook. He's a good provider. As much as I love him, sometimes our relationship does feel more like roomies or siblings. He watches television. I do my thing. If I start to watch a television show he's watching that I think I would like - he switches channels. If I ask about a social life, it's drinking at the bar or nothing. He lost the privilege of me going to the bar by how he treated me when he drank. That boundary will stay firm. If it wasn't for our annual vacation, we'd have no life together except maintaining the home - grocery lists, paying bills, washing windows, etc. But he says he's totally happy and content in the marriage and doesn't even get dry drunks on weekends any more. I truly believe he is content living as strangers. Do I have the right to push for more if he's happy and I'm not? Oh, but when I push for more communication intimacy, it's like pushing boulders up mountains - ends up rolling over my foot and causing me pain while he looks at me like I have three heads for trying to push a boulder uphill.
I try to throw myself in God's arms to fill all those hurtful places that no human could fill - but there's still a bit of self pity because I know if it wasn't for his addictions that he'd fill a lot more of that empty place inside my heart and body. He'd at least be able to fill that empty part of my heart that was made for a husband's love.
I'm still looking up to God who I believe will get me (possibly both of us?) through this nightmare.
LookingUp
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Post by jmari on May 16, 2005 18:39:28 GMT -5
You are a most profound and inspirational woman. Everytime you write, I read. I don't have very much to add to your journal, but I want you to know how much you have helped me when I was below the radar screen of negative and you brought me to a visable place.
God still wants you relying on Him. That is why, I believe we both still hurt and feel the ouch from this.
Again, LookingUp, you are leading many of us wives out of our pain.
Thanks just aren't enough. Jmari
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Post by LookingUp on May 17, 2005 0:39:57 GMT -5
Thank you jmari and vronykah for your kind comments, input and validation.
I've been thinking a lot today. I'm reading the book "False Intimacy" and it's been a real eye opener of my own recovery. One of my coping mechanisms during my hellacious childhood was fantasy and mb - the first time I remember mb with it being pleasurable, I was probably 3 or maybe 4. Then I tried and discareded tobacco. Then drugs. Then sexy dressing and flirting. Then education - yes, I got compulsive about getting an education; I was so gung ho that after getting my BS that I got two master's degrees - each one in nine months by taking a double load of subjects - never used them, just collected them to fill that void. When that didn't fill that gnawing need, I became addicted to romance novels. They were a great way to cope with a dysfunctional marriage; unfortunately, it kept me from making true intimate bonds with my children and both sons have relationship issues. Then I married my husband and had no coping skills for everything I was dealing with. New marraige. New step-family. New country. New health picture. Coping with a new brain injury. new to peri-menopause hormones. No job and financial dependency. No family nearby.
That may have been the bottom of my barrell. I finally learned I couldn't control life. I couldn't fantasize the pain and make it go away. I started counseling and some 12-step groups. Through the pain and trauma of Step 2, I realized I had a screwed up vision of God. I'd spent a year in Bible school and hundreds or thousands of hours listening to sermons - in church, on television and on tapes. But I still saw God as a judgmental, mean, distant, sometimes cruel creator/ruler. I could read scriptures about the Good Shepherd. I could read 1 Cor 13 and realize God was good and his love was exemplified in those verses. But I realized in Step 2 that I needed to re-find God. I didn't need a new religion, I just needed to study my own Bible and try to figure out why I'd chosen to embrace the scriptures of God's righteous judgement on evil instead of his heart of love towards His own flock. It took two years of meditating, memorizing and reading scriptures of God's love before I finally started grasping that God loved ME in a way that affected my thoughts and feelings about me. He loved me - not just as one of the sheep in a huge, world-wide sheep-fold. But me, personally and intimately. That was hard work, but it's paid wonderful dividends. It's hard to feel bad about me when I know God loves me personally; it's hard to want to be viscious or get even with my husband or others who hurt me when I realize God loves them unconditionally, too.
Then when I did step 4, I could trust God to help me through the painful things. The child abuse - physical, emotional and sexual and abandonment issues by both parents. As I'd remember those things - my husband was so wonderful to hold me, let me talk, let me cry and never judge me. I couldn't have done it without his human strength and God's spiritual love. But I realized I wasn't as bad as I thought or as good as I thought - I was pretty average and normal and was finally okay with that. I didn't have to be super-woman nor did I need to be super-slime. Knowing I was just like everybody else with strengths and weaknesses helped me have a humble or realistic view of myself. I didn't have to be better than or worse than others - the fact I existed was enough to validate me as a human.
But through all that, I lost the desire for fantasy. Last month during a difficult time in our marriage- I spent about two hours with a fantasy that ended in mb, and realized I absolutely hated fantasy and it didn't add anything to my life and the mb left me more horny and empty then had I not done it. That I'd much prefer ugly reality then false fantasy. If I stay in fantasy - then I can't fix reality or help myself adjust to reality; so it perpetuates the myth and extends the pain. At least when I'm in reality, I know there will come a time when I'll find serenity filling most of my days as I learn to embrace ugly reality. I have more serenity now then I did a year ago and much more serenity then two years ago - even though the reality still has many ugly patches, my serenity is beautiful. But I didn't put that into a different perspective until today. Hey, LookingUp, you're growing out of your addictions and dysfunctions. I didn't realize last year when I made one of the points in my recovery plan to not mb, that it would become foundational in finishing overcoming this no-longer-needed coping mechanism of fantasy to replace reality. For months when I've thought about mb and/or fantasy and mb; I've chosen not to go that way and realize I feel more fulfilled without - even though we're seldom having sexual relations in the marriage. But solo left me feeling more alone and more isolated and caused more pain. I guess orgasm isn't truly a need - a wish, but not a need. I haven't grown hair on my palms or started drooling down my chin because I don't get regular or even frequent orgasms. That was a surprise!
I ate some chocolate and animal protein today. Afterwards I felt drowsy. Sorta like having a few alcoholic beverages. Then I slept. I woke up feeling groggy and not quite in touch with reality. That's one of the first times I've recognized how my food addiction medicates my emotions. I thought I was a food addict because of the sensuousness of food - the taste, the texture, the temperature, and the feeling of chewing, licking or slurping it. Or the emotional portion of chewing and mashing the food. Even the audial experience of hearing rice krispies pop, crackers crack, milk be sucked from a cup - all stimulate my ears. We all recognize the taste of eating and at times I'm so busy eating I don't even notice the flavor. But I recognized that it's more than sensuousness - there is a chemical reaction after eating certain foods. Sometimes I wonder if when I'm free of that addiction if I'll truly be free or if it's another layer of the onion and I'll discover another addiction underneath. That's the scarey part of recovery - it has to be one day at a time because I'm not convinced it's for a season or if it's for the rest of my life. A day or season I can take - but thinking of the rest of my life being analyzing what I do, why I do it and changing compulsive patterns is too much to comprehend. I want the mountaintop and not the valley right now.
I'm praying I come to the place that I can totally give up and be free of food filling emotional/physical needs and food can become an enjoyable part of keeping healthy and not something I HAVE to do compulsively.
The Bible talks about hungering and thirsting for righteousness. I'd love to get to that point. When that gnawing need to eat - when it's not meal time or after I've ate reasonable quantitles or when I'm so full I hurt and still want to eat - that I'll thirst and hunger for God and for working on my realtionship with God and/or others.
Realizing I've grown, part of me feels sad for my husband because I'm not at all the person he married. When he proposed to me. I was still in my fantasy life; thus I didn't want or couldn't handle the intimacy I now crave. We were evenly matched in goals there - we were both content with a pseudo-intimacy that didn't have risk. I've spent hundreds of hours reading, going to counseling, journaling, going to support groups - all planned to help me grow. I'd love for him to come along on a similar road. But do I have the right to demand that? What's the morally pure way to proceed? What would honor God? I know it's not right to try to form him in my image. All I can do is pray and love him for being who he is and for having the many strengths he does have.
With that in mind. Tonight I asked him if I could have an hour to talk. Of course, I wanted to talk about deep things - like understanding what motivates him, his emotions, his deep hurts. But I know that wouldn't be fair and it would push him away. We talked about retirement, moving, our adult kids. What we'd do if we won the lottery. World starvation and missions. I was careful not to try to push him into the deep things I crave but when I felt sad I'd say a "thought prayer" and ask God to both help me hold my questions and to enjoy what we were able to share. We talked for over an hour and he invited me on a date for Saturday - to go to a ghost town about 4 hours from here on a gravel road. It should be beautiful. There's still snow on the mountains and it's warm enough we'll only need light jackets. The porcupine and bears are coming out of hibernation and will be eating the tender shoots, often on the roadside. We'll take the cameras and hopefully get some great photos for our website. It should be a relaxing day. I'm excited. I love the eeriness of the clearing in the forest where 25 years ago a town existed and now the forest is slowly reclaiming where the buildings were bulldozed. Sometimes it's almost like we could hear the children play on the playground, or we can hear families on picnics or men laughing over a beer where they're fishing - haunting memories that aren't ours. Pain for the people who called it home and can no longer go home again. It helps me recognize that nothing on earth is permanent - not even me; and pain often comes to people who didn't deserve it.
I was bad today. I checked my husband's computer history. I knew I wouldn't find anything. I don't know why I did it. Sometimes I think I'm almost hoping to find myself in a one-up position so I don't feel so bad about my own addictions and faults. I think my deep thoughts are, "I'm better than him - I don't eat in secret and he porned in secret." Nanner-nanner-boo-boo. I really wish we could talk about his recovery and how he's doing; but I know it will push him away for days and weeks. I don't know if it's manipulation or just inability to look past his own surface. It's hard to take things by trust and my gut instinct. I don't know how I could handle this lack of communication about his (past?) porn if I didn't have prayer and God. Because even if I don't know what he's doing - God knows what he's doing and God cares even more than me if he's in sin and perversions.
It seems he thinks if I love him then I'll trust him unconditionally. That makes me feel like I'm standing on the edge of a bridge with a bungee cord around my waist and I'm ready to be pushed off against my will. He's said since I lost trust in him from his lies/porn - then it's up to me to refind it. He either doesn't grasp his actions are what lost the trust and he needs to make effort to help me find the trust or doesn't feel capable or deserving trust so why try. I wish he could vocalize what's going on. My gut instinct says he's not using - some slips but not routine. But the fact he gets up earlier than me, or stays up later feels like the old pattern when he was porning. But my gut says it's because the less time we spend together, the less chance he has to cope with the emotional intimacy that could easier happen.
I liked westcovincajoe's number system. Here's mine with 10 being not an issue to 1 being a major problem:
Brain fog (from Hep C, cirrhosis and brain injury): 7 Food addiction: 5 (ate too much of wrong things but didn't binge) Naps: 2 (not a problem since I'm sick but I'm just looking for correlations) Co-Addiction: 3 (checked his computer and spent lots of valuable time trying to analyze everything he did and said and was suspicious of him porning).
LookingUp
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Post by LookingUp on May 17, 2005 19:50:00 GMT -5
My thoughts have taken a different track today. I only had one or two minor thoughts wondering if DH was watching porn while I took a nap. Decided I couldn't fix it so would think something productive rather then destructive. I think our hour talk gave me confidence so I could let go of some of the fear.
He applied for a job a few weeks ago and they will call him tomorrow for the telephone interview. I'm excited because he could retire from this job, we'd move nearer his extended family (and one grandbaby) and I'd be close to the regional medical center. It would be a two year contract, then he'd get unemployment for a year and then be officially retired. I'm leaving the outcome in God's hands - as God knows what is best for us.
Over the past week, I've been working through the book, "Do you think I'm Beautiful?" by Angela Thomas. When I read the title, I thought, "I'm old, graying, overweight, getting crows feet and smile lines - nah, beauty is for the young." But there is an inner part of me that still wants to be totally known inside and out and still loved and still beautiful to the one who knows me inside out.
THe author comes from the premise that our desire to be known inside and out and still loved is a gift God put inside women to draw them to their husbands and to draw them to God. A woman's first reaction to porn is feeling ugly, unloved, inadequate and like a failure. When that happens and we realize one man can't fill that void for totally knowing us and still loving and considering us beautiful 24-hours a day, 365 days a year. That void can't truly ever be filled by one man - because it was made to be filled by God.
Here's a quote from the book that brought tears to my eyes. I read it again and used a few more kleenex. I read it again. It hit such a resonating chord with me. Those are the words I knew deep in my heart that I wanted to hear but I dared not believe that any man or even God would/ could say them over me.
Brain fog: 6 Food addiction: 5 Co-Addiction: 8 Naps: 1 nap (2 hour)
LookingUp
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Post by tootrue on May 17, 2005 22:19:11 GMT -5
That is beautiful. I am going to cut it out and keep it. Wishing you peace and happiness. Keep looking up.
Ellie
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Post by LookingUp on May 18, 2005 19:41:48 GMT -5
Today wasn't serene but it wasn't chaotic. Weird day. I didn't put God first and I've been noticing when I start my day with even a few minutes of meditating on God that my whole day goes smoother. Now, if I could just get that good habit functioning daily.
Yesterday my husband had me print out a few things about the company and about behavior job interviews to prepare for his phone interview today. He didn't read them but watched sports and news about 10 hours straight - his choice. I truly don't have a problem with that because I'm learning to let go of stuff that isn't my stuff.
He knows every Wednesday morning from 10 to 11:10 that I am gone - I religiously go to my religious meeting. About 10 minutes before I left, he was upset that I wasn't staying there to help him read through the stuff and help him type out things he might need. I told him I'd be glad to do so when I got back - we'd still have almost two hours. I did not tell him he knew I had my meeting so why was he vegging in front of the tube or say anything that sounded like a scolding mother.
Then he started ranting (not really ranting just speaking louder than normal and standing in my comfort zone) that I'd just forget about him and go out to dinner with the women and he wouldn't have his responses typed. He knows how to type, I just type faster and am glad to do this chore for him. In the four years that I've gone to church there has only been two times I didn't let him know in advance that I was going out to eat lunch. One time he was at work and the other time he was sleeping after night shift. I have only scheduled one or two meals with my friends if he's off work and home because that was the only time we could get together or was somebody's birthday. I do 99% of my socializing when he's at work. I really, really wanted to blast him; but I chose the high road. But the victory for me was I didn't turn to my food addiction - I took it in stride.
Since this same conversation has been had about a dozen times, I need to have a game plan. When things are settled down and he's not stressing about the interview, I'll re-discuss the two incidents he's talking about, apologize again and remind him how it makes me feel when he keeps bringing up these two incidents since I can't go back, read his mind that he'd want woken up, and change my behavior. I mean, good golly miss molly, if the worst thing I've ever done as a wife is to not wake him to tell him I went out with friends - then he's blowing in the wind hunting for things to try to guilt me. This time I said a tacit "no thank you" to the guilt.
But I don't know if this stuff is normal marriage, addiction responses, lack of communication skills or immaturity. Because of my own background and addictions, I don't know what is normal and I stress over stupid things like that and how I should proceed. I'm proud of me for not giving my first retort, "Well, maybe I didn't call and wake you up, but at least I didn't visually cheat on you." I know that wouldn't be productive and they are different issues and mixing them up just gets the marriage more unhealthy. But it was the first thing that rolled across my mind... I really, really wanted to hurt back.
This afternoon I helped him finish that project and after the interview, I helped him get some stuff done that the prospective company wanted. He was all over himself being appreciative. He did dishes, he thanked me a dozen times. If I want to read between the lines, it was probably partly his way of apologizing and thanking me for standing by him even when his behavior didn't deserve it. I just wish he could put that into words - but if I wish that, then I'm setting myself up for unrealistic expectations which result in pity parties, food binges and bitterness. Not a healthy choice for me.
Reading all the new SOs coming to the board bring back so much pain from my own discovery days. I realize I've had a lot of growth because of discovery that I wouldn't have had otherwise. I love growth, but I often wonder if God could have found an easier way to get me to focus on Him and grow. I'm not blaming God because I know he loves me and he'll use whatever tool is available - this time it was my husband's porn. I'm truly glad for the growth and I wonder if I'll ever be able to say I'm thankful I went through this chapter of my life because life is so much more beautiful on the other side. I hope I can say that some day - that's my new goal.
I'm still looking up to my God.
LookingUp
Brain fog: 7 (possibly from cheese yesterday?) Food addiction: 8 (no sugar for 24 hours so abstinence is easier) Co-Addiction: 7 Naps: 1 nap (2 hour)
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Post by presciousself on May 18, 2005 23:45:18 GMT -5
I love your journal. You remind me a lot of my mom. She was a very beautiful, sensitive, intuitive and wise person, like you. I almost feel like she's talking to me through your posts. I hope that doesn't sound creepy. I don't mean it to.
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Post by LookingUp on May 19, 2005 3:39:57 GMT -5
Thanks, Danielle, I feel honored and humbled by your post. Sounds like you loved your mother a lot.
LookingUp
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Post by westcovinajoe on May 19, 2005 3:47:09 GMT -5
Looking up,
Wanted to let you know that I think you a very good writer, I get a real sense of your life from your words.
Just a little question, did you get your idea of rating your addiction and stuff from 1 - 10 from my journal? I started doing a mood chart for my bipolar disorder and it seemed like a good idea for here too. Just wondering if you saw it I guess.
Take care and all the best to you, Joe
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Post by LookingUp on May 19, 2005 5:20:28 GMT -5
Wanted to let you know that I think you a very good writer, I get a real sense of your life from your words. Thanks for the compliment. On my first post with a rating, I said: I liked westcovincajoe's number system. Here's mine with 10 being not an issue to 1 being a major problem: Aren't you up pretty early for a west coaster? LookingUp
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Post by westcovinajoe on May 19, 2005 5:59:18 GMT -5
Wanted to let you know that I think you a very good writer, I get a real sense of your life from your words. Thanks for the compliment. On my first post with a rating, I said: I liked westcovincajoe's number system. Here's mine with 10 being not an issue to 1 being a major problem: Aren't you up pretty early for a west coaster? LookingUp Oh I see, glad you like the number system I do too. Yes up early/late 'cause the wife is ill with abdominal pain. Sort of watching over her as she sleeps until the DR. appt at 730 am. Take care, Joe.
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Post by LookingUp on May 19, 2005 21:47:21 GMT -5
One of those blah days. Husband was on night shift last night. When he got home from work, I went back to bed with him and slept 3 hours. We took a 2 hour nap together this afternoon. Instead of his normal 12-hour shift, he had to pull a 15-hour shift tonight. I took another hour nap when he left for work.
I posted on the board, read, napped, then watched too much television. Sheesh - that's existing and not living. Some days it's nice not to have the energy to think compulsivly.... only had one thought of him viewing porn.
He should know early next week if he gets the new job. I'm leaving that in God's hands. I'm looking forward to our date to the ghost town this weekend... a little excitement is always nice.
LookingUp
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Post by LookingUp on May 20, 2005 10:25:54 GMT -5
A new day. Life doesn't feel so blah today. I feel animated and energized (well, as energized as a slug gets)!
I said something in a pm that I wanted to recapture and augment for my journal. I don't have the exact words, but it was something like this: As much as a few SOs annoy me and I wish they'd go away, they are good for my recovery because they make me look at my responses to them.
When somebody says something I take as rude, why is my first response to want to defend myself? Why is that? What's the worst thing that can happen if I'm dissed? Sometimes I tell myself it's so others will know my point of view and not judge me the same way. But haven't I posted enough on here that the people who have befriended me know me well enough that they aren't going to think the worst about me? Aren't new members going to make their analysis of me based on what I say, too? Why is my first response to things I consider rude towards me or towards a friend a response of wanting to hurt back? Am I that cruel? I'm learning to sit on my hands so I can't type a scathing reply back, but why am I so prideful that I think I deserve to be hurtful back? I think I've found another character flaw in me to work on. After all, others are entitled to their opinion - even when they're wrong; just as I'm entitled to my opinion - right or wrong.
As a Christian, I need to think of 1 Peter 2:22-23, "Christ did not sin or ever tell a lie. Although he was abused, he never tried to get even. And when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he had faith in God, who judges fairly."
I wonder if Christ had to sit on his hands or bite his lips at times to not blast those who misunderstood him or were rude. Well, the abuse and crucifixion he suffered is much more than rude. Of course, I also believe in boundaries as God has boundaries. I guess that's why it's important to have a God-consciousness as I live my life so I know when shutting up or when confronting and making boundaries are the right response.
Historically I tend to flip flop from having boundaries to the point I'm almost a controlling bully to being such a pacifist that I was steamrolled. I think I'm getting better. But with an empty nest and living a 3 day drive from family means it's only my husband who's daily in my life to have to practice these skills. Maybe I'm still a bully or weakling? May we not have any more boomerang kids for me to practice this skill on! The practice of day to day bully/doormat equilibrium is not worth the stress of that again! I truly don't know if our marriage would handle another bout of an adult enabled kid with no expectations and no hygiene. Four day old body odor, stinky unwashed clothes and teeth wearing gray socks and brown cavities is just more than I can handle again.
I think I want to defend myself because I wasn't allowed to defend myself when I was a child. If I tried to defend myself when mom beat me, then I got two beatings. If I defended myself, then she hit me hard enough to break my glasses. Now I'm a big girl who can finally stand up for myself and I'm realizing that defending power doesn't make bridges to understanding. But there's a part of me that wants to be justified even though I know in the overall scheme of thing it doesn't mean a hill of beans. God justifies me, defends me and I know I am a good person who doesn't try to be malicious, mean or cruel even if others may take it that way. Why isn't God's approval and acceptance enough? Why do I think I can/should make everybody else approve or accept me? After all, I know there's some people I'll never approve or accept - so why don't I want to extend that to others?
I know I'm often verbose in my writing trying not to be misunderstood - which probably leaves me more open to misunderstanding because there's more words to sort through. I'm truly working on that. Well, not too hard, but it's something I'd like in my life.
My husband came home from his 15-hour night shift. When I woke up this morning there was a box of crackers on the end table. I know many wives wouldn't rejoice that their husband didn't pick up after himself. But when I saw it, I wanted to run upstairs, throw my arms around him, kiss him and tell him how happy I am that he was eating crackers there. When he's in that spot, he's watching television. So I feel that he didn't porn. Mornings after night shift are triggers. Ever since we were married, I've asked him to wake me so I had the option to visit with him and he's refused to do that. I always presumed that was his porn time - especially when the kids were home because they wouldn't be up early but might have hindered his late night viewing. Then part of me feels almost sick that something as insignificant as a box of crackers on the end table could cause rejoicing - what in the world has my life came down to because of porn. It's sad statement on addictions.
I had a little trigger on Wednesday. I think that may have precipitated the blah day yesterday. Trying not to take things personally and trying not to care. My husband had to give references after his job interview. Of course, the third person he thought of was a female co-worker that has caused a LOT of stress in our marriage. I know she treats my husband just like she does any man. As a sex object. I see her rubbing her boobs on other men's bellies and turning coyly with her back half to him and looking up in his face and batting her eyes. I've explained to my husband how I feel when we're grocery stopping and she rubs all over him and he doesn't put the cart between them. He says she's just friendly and he doesn't want to hurt her feelings because she could screw up at work and make his job very difficult and jeopardize the lives of workers. I realize he's a key player in his job and if one of the workers screws up somebody could get killed. I've seen my husband come home from work in tears after a co-worker was injured and air evaced out or killed. I know he's where the buck stops if somebody is injured. I know this gal is part of that team. But it doesn't mean I want her rubbing her breasts all over his belly. If anybody rubs the furr off his pot-belly, it's my job! I hate that he doesn't have strong boundaries and can't figure out how to do them in a polite way that won't offend others. But I know I can't change him. I can drive myself crazy trying. I hate that he called her - it just rubs my nose in all her crap. And I know if we move that there could be another belly rubber, cheek stroker, eyelash batting b!tch that will come into our lives and try to steal my serenity. It's easier to have a blah day then to sort through the emotions. I think the only boundary I can make is to let my husband know that if she rubs her boobs on him again in my presence that if he doesn't say something that I will ask her to step back because that belly is already taken..... his choice. He can do it politely or I can do it with venom. Nah, I'd probably be nice but my practice responses are very venemous. I realize it's not just my husband, I've seen her rub her way over lots of men - even saw her take her blouse almost completely off (only sleeves were on) when she was on the picket line to ask a man to help her find the mosquito on her back.
LookingUp
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Post by cflanders on May 20, 2005 10:56:00 GMT -5
This made me smile because I am exactly the same way. ;D
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Post by presciousself on May 20, 2005 12:54:45 GMT -5
you are a patient woman. I would have to ask her what the bleep! she thinks she's doing. Possibly with some kung fu thrown in.
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