I'm still LookingUp

[LookingUp]

Another bland day. I like it. I did some craft work, I made phone calls, I looked at real estate and made several calls, spent some time doing spiritual things; read a bit about a disease I think might be masquerading as the mild liver failure - will research more and then ask my MD - since he and the specialists have been clueless what's going on. Wish they could plug me up to a machine like they do our vehicles and get a print out of what's wrong and what it takes to fix it!

I stepped out of my comfort zone and went visiting with a lady from OA. It was enjoyable. I enjoy visiting, it's just getting my butt in gear and not obsessing that I don't know how to handle social situations and will screw it up and embarrass myself. But when I get there, then I'm comfortable. Reminder to self: Don't obsess over stupid stuff that may have been true when you were 12 but are obsolete fears now.

Tomorrow I'm going on a couple hour tour to take photos of a local strip mine for our web page. I wish my husband didn't have to work tomorrow. He can't call in sick since he works for the mine. But I can show him all the photos and he can take a virtual tour. For father's day we're going on a couple hour train tour of the associated mine facilities so we can both take lots of photos. I'm excited, even though I'm going alone. It was up to 12 C (about 58 F) today and I hope it's nice again tomorrow.

I had a few obsessive thoughts today about my husband porning. Worrying about the extent of his porning and wondering if anybody else had been hurt by his acting out. Realizing it's not my problem but wanting to know. That's partially why the not talking about it is so hard. The only thing I can plug into the equation of how bad was it? is to take wild guesses. Maybe just the few photos I found or maybe bad enough it hurt other people. The not knowing is hard. I guess if the cops come and haul him off sometime with me totally unaware of the downward spiral he went - then I'll find out then. I pray that doesn't happen. But if he injured somebody else acting out - then I hope he does have to make amends - hopefully willingly, if not legally. I'd stand by him through it. I know making amends for my mistakes and sins was so cleansing that I'd love for him to experience it.

Still trying to discipline myself to spend more time daily developing my spiritual side as I've felt a bit spiritually weak recently.

LookingUp

[LookingUp]

Erotic Dreams and Lustful Thoughts

I've been having lots of dreams lately and usually one a night is a sensual dream that wakes me up aroused - then I have a pity party because I know my husband isn't interested.

I had a 3 minute thought fest about asking some guy to come home and screw me while my husband was at work. I didn't even think that way before I was a Christian so having those thoughts now (even if for 3 minutes) totally blew me away because it was so out of character. I felt so dirty for entertaining those thoughts... even if it was for a couple minutes. I realize thoughts come and go - but choosing to spend precious time thinking about it totally appalls me. I feel depraved - when I'm really just deprived of regular lovemaking with the man I love and who loves me.

I hate the aftermath of finding porn. I hate having to recover for something I didn't do or cause. But, then I think of Jesus. He chose to come to earth and go to the cross to save humanity from sin. He didn't create or approve of sin - but was willing to give his life to make a way out for humanity. So going through this is hopefully making me more Christlike. As long as I can find one good thing about it, then it makes it more bearable.

But maybe the dreams are coming because truly accepting a sexless marriage is what I should be working on. Maybe learning to turn pity parties over to God instead of allowing myself pity parties is a growth opportunity whose time has come.


Stress

I've been thinking about stress. I realize stress can be difficult on health issues. But, God promises in the Bible that we will have hard times, that we will have times of temptation, of being put in the refiner's fire. I don't particularly like stressful times - but they are always a time of growing for me.

I can choose to do Steps 1 through 3 and turn it over to God and not stress; or I can choose to stress and have my health suffer. Sounds like an easy choice when I'm not in the fire of life's adverseties. So why can't I think that clearly when I'm in the midst of the difficulty? Maybe that little part of me who thinks I deserve bad and the part that hates me and doesn't respect me or have self-esteem actually embraces making myself suffer and possibly die by hanging onto the stress. I need to think that through and find the truth - that I am acceptable in the Beloved, that I am loved, that I am adequate, that God sees me as terrific - and I can see myself that way, too (in a healthy, balanced way).


Differences

I occasionally read the General side of the board for short bursts until I start getting triggered and then quit - so I'm very careful about the title of the threads I allow myself to read. Anyway, it often amazes me that God or Higher Power is mentioned in many, many threads. That when people are trying to get healing for their own issues, that they know they can't fix it so they turn to something bigger then themselves. Yet, it seems (I could be wrong) that very few threads in the partner side mention God or a Higher Power as being a major part of healing. It made me wonder if since the SOs are trying to heal from their PA/SA's issues - that they are still looking to the person who hurt them to change for them to find healing - or they find new beginnings by leaving that relationship. It just seemed strange that both sides of the board don't have almost equal amount of threads that mention the part God or Higher Power plays in survival and healing. Not criticizing, just curious why it appears that way.

People have let me down so many times in my life - that expecting my husband, mother, children or anybody else to change to help me feel fixed no longer works for me. I know only God can help me feel fixed and whole again. I don't think that makes me jaded; I think I've finally gotten realistic expectations of people and relationships. Since I'm not expecting more then humanly possible from others, I'm becoming more free to enjoy my relationsips and more free to say "no" without feeling I've let others down. I can also hear "no" without feeling I've jeopardized my personhood. I think I'm learning to really like this!

LookingUp

[LookingUp]

Extended Family

I've always wanted to be part of a large extended family that lived nearby. I've never had that - in fact, my bio-children only have ONE first cousin! I never was married to a man with a close extended family. I'd always felt a empty spot because I didn't have that. I grew up in a small community where most people were related - but my parents moved there as newlyweds so we had no relatives within an hours drive so only saw them once or twice a month.

When my husband retires, I'd been looking for homes near his extended family. He doesn't want to live there. I see his opinion. His mom is whiney and loves self-pity. Along with several aunts (both his dad and mom's siblings) one is not talking to this one this week, then not talking to another next week. You have to keep straight who's not talking to who or if you mention them, then they'll ignore you. He doesn't want to move back into that - says let me keep my fantasy of extended family as one big loving bunch. He also thinks the stress of their dysfunction wouldn't be conductive to my health.

Looking for homes an hour or two away so we can have limited access to his family. Grieving the loss of a dream.


Rocks

The town is ripping up the street in front of our house. A big back hoe is removing the dirt about 6 feet deep, putting it in a truck and removing boulders - about 4 feet to 6 feet across. They leave the big rocks on the street and then the back hoe helps get them in a loader bucket - then they drive to the back of our house and dump them in the lake.

It's very interesting to watch. But it's noisy - they work 0700 until 1900 - six days a week. But it reminds me of what I'm doing with my life. I'm sorting through the memories and hurts - and keeping the good and useful ones, and dumping the bad ones - discovering the lesson I can learn, forgive those who caused it (even if it's me) and moving on.

I think the big road boulders are more interesting to watch.


Not so compulsive

I slept in the guest bedroom last night since it's on the quiet side of the house. My husband slept in our bedroom since I'd turned the heat up to 70 and he was sweating. When I heard him come to his bed, I looked at the clock. 2:15 AM. I was so hurt - figured he'd watched porn. Decided not much I could do about it that time of night - I could check his computer, find clean cache and have a pity-party. Rolled over, hugged my stuffed animal, said a prayer and went back to sleep. Woke up this morning and realized the clock was one hour and 45 minutes fast - so he'd came to bed when the ballgame was over.

Glad I didn't get compulsive about it. I would have been really ticked if I'd missed a half a night's sleep thinking painful things when it was only a screwed up clock.

I'm still LookingUp to God.

[LookingUp]

Compulsiveness

I realized I'm driving myself bonkers with compulsive thinking and behavior. It's also making me isolate - which makes me fearful that my husband may be viewing porn and gets me eating compulsively. I gotta' get a handle on it before my own addiction recovery is totally blown.

I've been spending 7 hours or more daily internet house hunting. He wants a nice house - I want a nice, but small home. I don't want a big mortgage because I want to make sure we're not house poor - so we can visit my kids every year or two. He doesn't care if we're house poor because he could care less about visiting his kids. I want to be near his family, at least his daughter and her child. He could care less. He wants me to sell my car when he retires and I don't want to. But I haven't said much - I hate to start disagreements.

But more than disagreements I hate it when he says this is how something is going to be, and finishes up with
is that okay?" But if I have an opinion that's different then his, he's offended and does whatever he wants anyway and disregards my opinion or if I ask to compromise. Then if I don't like it - he's mad because he asked me if it was okay. Normally that happens with things about his parenting/kids, but it has leaked over into a few other areas. I need to learn to state my opinion and not let him walk on me if it's something big enough that I will resent it later. I also need to learn to let the little things go and not resent it. I need to learn to tell the difference of big or little things and act appropriately. I think if he'd actually listen to my opinion and suggestions for compromise that I'd be much more content with the result - even if it didn't change his plan. I just want to be heard; to have my opinion validated even we still do things his way (since they are his kids).

Back to the house: I need to talk about this with him and find where we can compromise so we're not scattered all over the map hunting for a house in many price ranges and locations; but focused on something specific. Then we'll know if we found it.


Get-Away Vehicle

As long as he can't talk about his porn and supposid recovery - then I need to keep my get away car or else have the family car in my name only. Currently one car is in his name and one in mine. I can't cope with not having a vehicle if things get to the point that they were before. That's why I haven't brought it up - because porn is the topic we don't talk about. In the old west, if you stole somebody's horse - it was a hangin' offense. I feel that way about having my own transportation. Even if it's to go for a long drive and go to a quiet place and cry out to God. There's time that sharing a car won't work until I know that I know that he's made recovery a goal and is able to talk about it. Until then, I don't have enough confidence in the relationship to go wheelless.

Funny what things we need for security blankets to get us through this darned addiction.

Sometimes I'll talk about selling the car when he brings it up; but I'm not convinced, I'm just "trying on" the thought process and seeing what it feels like. Yet the next time he brings it up and I say no reason to sell it unless it gives us trouble. I'm sure he thinks I'm a wishy-washy person that doesn't know what I want. I suppose that's partially true. I want my car until I feel "safe" with him again.


Frustration

I have felt so much frustration and tension. Been a while since we had sex, so maybe that's part of it. Day 11 of my period, so maybe that's part of it. The backhoe and trucks started digging our street out at 6:11 this morning. I truly did try to be thankful; after all they didn't start at 4:30 AM at first light! I'm looking forward to a smooth driving surface. My husband slept through the noise (about 20 feet between the bed to the street) until almost 9 AM. He's amazing and has better hearing then me. I haven't spent much time in prayer or meditation, so that's probably a big part of it. THat's easily fixable - will do that when I finish the supper dishes. I'll see how the frustration index is tomorrow.


Isolation

I realized today that the times I isolate (from my husband, friends and God); are the times I become more suspicious of his behavior. The times I am connecting better are the times I'm less suspicious and it's easy not to monitor... or even have the urge to monitor. Looks like that's one clue for getting out of co-addiction for me. When I want to isolate - then call a friend, write an e-mail, talk to my husband, do something that builds relationships instead of tears them down.


Fear of talking about porn

Why am I afraid to bring up this topic. Historially he'd isolate from me for days - which I interpret as punishing me and I feel like I did when I was a child with an abusive mother and no say. I often say I don't ask because then he won't lie - and that's partially true. Often it's hard to keep him on track because he starts bringing up irrelevant stuff like my sexual abuse and rapes - since those are emotional subjects it's hard for me to keep him on track and it ends up being pick my brain (often in an almost cruel, unloving way) instead of learn anything about him. It's just more comfortable to keep the topic under the rug and go by his behavior - if he's connecting or isolating. But within the next year I need to realize that the pain of staying the same by not approaching it doesn't give me the hope that the pain will ever end - I gotta' learn to talk about it and accept whatever response I get and deal with it. But I don't know why. I'm really confused. Guess this is Step 1 - realizing that this slice of life is currently unmanageable.

LookingUp

[Freya]

Hmm. flicked through your posts but have to come back and read it again, your thoughts SO mirror mine!

Funny you mention step 1.. I'm thinking of working the 12steps myself, seems it might be the only way for me to get real peace!

Oh.. I haven't posted this on my site but you might be interested.. I pick at my skin when I'm nervous etc.. 'self mutilation' is where it is put.. so I'm working on that also.. it started when I was a child.. went away for a while, but came bag in HUGE force when I started having problems here. I have so much to work on to become whole again, it's encouraging to see you work through your emotions openly

San

[LookingUp]

Hi San,

I have trichotillomania - also classified as self-mutilitation. That's the "official" term for pulling hair out. When I trich, I also bite nails. I've found that low sugar, low processed grains (eat heavy whole grains) and lots of raw fruits and veggies that I can go days or weeks without the urge. But one candy bar or one hamburger on white bun and the next day I either fight the urge or am several hairs short. I keep my hair waist length so I can stroke without pulling very unobtrusively. The finger nail biting started as a child and I recently discovered if I keep a nail file with me at all times so I have smooth nail edges, then I don't catch myself biting - unless I read. When I was younger, I'd even chew my toenails! The hair pulling started a few days after my dad's death when Mom made us go back to school and told us grieving time was over. I made a 2" bald spot in my scalp and got a whipping for it; learned to not do it in one area - then I got body hair so had lots of choices. As a teen, I use to tweeze my leg hair when I was in an emotional frenzy of trich. Guess the pain had to come out somehwere - if not by normal grieving, then by abnormal.

I also have arithemania. Started in first grade because the fear of failure - and Mom's retribution for not being top in the class had me in a panic.

Just because I understand basically why these compulsive behaviors started - I'm still at a loss why I continue them since they aren't needed now that I'm an adult.

LookingUp

[LookingUp]

Letting it all hang out

Maybe that title dates me but seems appropriate.

We made love today! Yippieee, yahoo. Whooooeeeee! It was good. But I need to talk about me and sex.

Although I initiated (like normal), I had a difficult time connecting to him. I have made the quality decision to stay in reality and not in fantasy. I could stay out of fantasy - but not in reality - I went into analyze mode - my brain was there, my body was there, but "I" wasn't. My brain was thinking: Wonder why he's doing that, wonder why I"m not connecting, wonder if I should fantasize, blah, blah. After the first orgasm, then I connected and the rest was super.

I do better connecting with positions where I can see his face - when I can't see his face, then it's easier to get off track. I wouldn't consider myself visual - but seeing him helps me stay connected.

One time when I climaxed, his eyes rolled back in his head. It was so freaky. He has the biggest blue eyes and to look into big orbs of white with little blood vessels was really --- not cool. Not sure what it felt like. Made me think of the movie The Exorcise - and that was not good timing to think of demon posession.


Kneeling

I have a question. My husband wants to do foreplay with me reclining and him on his knees. This is really strange because as many tall men, he has knee problems. I wonder if that is a porn position - or does porn even do foreplay. Nope, I really don't want to know but I'm curious. Then I wonder if it's a way to avoid as many square inches of contact like it would be if we both reclined? He said it was more comfortable - but then he talks about how kneeling hurts. I'm confused.


Telescoping wrists

What's it with guys that they position themselves so it's uncomfortable to stroke them during foreplay? If God had made women with telescoping wrists and maybe telescoping elbows - then it would make more sense. It seems like the 100th time I've wiggled so I can stroke him full length, then he moves so my arm is uncomfortable and I can barely touch his genitals let alone stroke him. Seems like he'd get a clue that I enjoy feeling his various textures. Guess I need to discuss it with him.


Assignment

I asked my husband to please think about why he never approaches me for lovemaking - that it's always me approaching him. He said he'd think about it. Usually that means he don't know and he's not going to waste any energy trying to figure it out. In a week I'll ask and he'll have forgotten and after a half dozen times, I give up. This time I had him schedule a time to talk about it. Let him wiggle out of that one! Ah, well, he probably can - he's definitely as slippery as snot on a door knob when he wants to avoid something - the counselor has even commented on how fast he dances to avoid stuff.


Potions nnd lotions and toys

Over the past few years, my husband has bought sex toys, games, flavored oils, several other boxes of stuff. Yet not one of them has been opened. When I asked about using the game, he said he was saving it for vacation; we went on vacation with it and didn't use it because we were on vacation. Why does he want to buy stuff to not use it? Makes no sense.


The Desert

I was thinking about my new quest to build relationships with other women and how difficult that is in modern society when people are so busy doing stuff, working, etc. Made me a bit envious of the women in Old Testament times. During their period, they had to go outside of the camp to the "unclean" women's area. During her mensus, she was with other women, resting, talking, enjoying a break from their ardorous duties with the children and husband; probably spending time meditating and talking with God. Since menstruation is cyclic, they probably made some really good friends that they met again and again each month. I don't think God was mean to women when he made that part of the Levitical law, but a way to help women get their special relational needs met. Since I live in modern times - guess I'll just have to adapt to trying to build relationships in the hustle and bustle of modern society.

LookingUp

[Freya]

Hi LookingUp,

I self mutilate aswell, have just found a site that I am going to read through and go from there, here's the link if you want it:
www.palace.net/~llama/psych/injury.html

I have been having problems since I was a child too, I always bit my nails, I don't any more.. stopped when I was about 19, but if I cut them too short, or as you say, they get rough around the edges.. I'll bite. I pick at every mark on my body, anything.. I don't know why.. it's a nervous thing.. I am currently identifying triggers for it.. and also excercising the yelling at myself to stop thing.. (ie if I catch myself I scold myself out loud.. whether at home alone or in public.. my problem in itself is more embarrassing and degrading than yelling at myself).

I also went through a period where I would pluck hairs from my legs like you.. that was a self hate thing I guess.. as is the rest of it.. I really don't like my appearance now which makes me worse with my self mutilation.. I could go on forever trying to explain what I do and why.. thing is.. it has to stop. It got very bad once the abuse and so on started here, I have never been this bad in my life, I can cover it all with clothes but hey.. summer time here is warm.. no fun wearing long sleeves all the time.. even my legs are bad.

And on another note.. sex toys.. yes SA and I went on a shopping spree and bought all sorts of toys a few yrs ago.. we used them for a bit.. it was great fun.. I never use them alone (because I'm an SA) but only ever with him.. now they're put away and haven't been touched in probably 18mths.. shame because it was fun and different.. we have even taken them away with us, and not used them.. dunno what's with that, I'm keen but he's not.. oh and he is only just starting to initiate sex.. and he no longer EVER knocks me back if I want it, he used to scream at me to leave him alone.

And.. isn't it every man's dream to have a woman that wants him? Why then.. does an SA turn away from offers from his partner? I'll never understand that.. my man used to complain about too much sex.. hey we both enjoy it.. when is too much too much? We're on a level on it now thank goodness.

. o O ( I have way too much to say )

cheers,
San

[LookingUp]

Hi San,

I'm just starting to analyze the self-mutilation thing. I use to put myself down before somebody else could. If somebody gave me a compliment, I'd find a flaw in their thinking. I think I gave myself pain before somebody else could.

Our sex toys, lotions, etc. are still in the celophane wrappers! Never used them. One I took out because it was to help exercise that area so I'd quit dribbling pee. I've noticed for a few days after sex, no dribble. But a few drops again after a couple days. I'm hoping this will tighten those muscles so I don't end up in Depends when I'm old. Sorry if that's too much information.

Thanks for the link. I'll read it after I check the board.

LookingUp

[Freya]

Yup again.. I identify.. I give myself pain.. I punish myself for being whatever ... I never took a compliment seriously either.

The dribble thing.. yeh I'm experiencing a bit of that right now, although it's because my coughing is so harsh, it takes over my whole body! It's beginning to worry me though, not sure if this will be a permanent thing or not.. know much about it? I know nothing

Hope you enjoyed that link.. well no.. not enjoyed but found it useful.. some of it is quite shocking hey! Snapped me into reality yesterday.. however then I hacked at myself because I hack at myself *sigh* vicious circle!

Have a great weekend!
San

[LookingUp]

Thanks for sharing the link, San. I read a few pages and when I read this, "Depersonalization is a variety of dissociation in which one suddenly feels detached from one's own body, sometimes as if they were observing events from outside themselves. It can be a frightening feeling, and it may be accompanied by a lessening of sensory input -- sounds may be muffled, things may look strange, etc. It feels as if the body is not part of the self, although reality testing remains intact. Some describe depersonalization as feeling dreamlike or mechanical." I started crying. It was the first time I'd been able to put into words the precursor of when I trich. I think often I'm so focused when I read, or think - that I loose the sense of living in my body - thus the jolt of pulling a hair of biting a nail helps integrate my mental back with the physical. It's sorta' like being wide awake and in twilight sleep - like the only thing that is real is my thoughts. I just presumed everybody did that when they concentrated - got so tied into thinking they lost touch with reality. Maybe that's why I love to make music - I can focus 100% on making music but I never get lost because my fingers or voice have to be active. Maybe I should read out loud! Maybe that's why I have such a high IQ - I can shut everything else out and put all my energy into thinking - just a thought as I grapple with my new knowledge.

When I was married to ex1 - he spent half of our marriage in VA mental institutions for paranoid schitzophrenia - back before there were good meds to help and still used electric shock and water therapy. His counselor wanted me to come to group therapy with him. I was so uncomfortable - first time in any counseling type situation and cried most of the way through (thought they were picking on me - and they were) and tried to hold ex1's hand and he kept pushing it away. Anyway, after two hours of me being part of the "group" (or being an outcast from the group), the counselor diagnosed me with borderline personality disorder and dismissed me to go back to my hotel while ex1 went back to his bay. Nobody else has ever diagnosed me with that; but I've wondered since I have a few of those traits. I suppose mental disease can be like the flu - you may have a slight flu and still be able to work or have a serious case of the flue and have to be in the hospital. Guess I should read more about it.

Thanks for your willingness to be open and discuss these painful issues with me. I've never had that type of caring support before on these personal issues.

LookingUp

P.S. I just read about Borderline Personality Disorder. It doesn't seem to fit at all.

[LookingUp]

Here's a good link:

www.siari.co.uk/Self-injury-diagram1.htm

[LookingUp]

lookingup said:

Assignment

I asked my husband to please think about why he never approaches me for lovemaking - that it's always me approaching him. He said he'd think about it. Usually that means he don't know and he's not going to waste any energy trying to figure it out. In a week I'll ask and he'll have forgotten and after a half dozen times, I give up. This time I had him schedule a time to talk about it. Let him wiggle out of that one! Ah, well, he probably can - he's definitely as slippery as snot on a door knob when he wants to avoid something - the counselor has even commented on how fast he dances to avoid stuff.

Yep, he's truly slippery as snot on a doorknob. Said he can't come up with any reason. Avoidance - with a capital A.

I can't decide if he's shallow, stupid, fearful or just hates me so much that he won't answer my questions.

I think I'll ask the SA side.

I'm really hurt because this feels so rude.

LookingUp

[whoami]

LU I just read your first and last post here. You are speaking my language so totally.
I started working this great job in January...for some money and mostly to just get away from how empty I am with my SA.
I am nicely exhausted with my new career, not so nicely exhausted with my SA.
Thanks for your words. I plan to spend more time reading them. You are gifted and helping me mucho. Thank you, and Blessings to you!!

[LookingUp]

whoami,

Thank you for your validating feedback - it's appreciated.

Congratulations on your job. I've considered job hunting, but I'm not sure my health will allow that. I'm trying to build friendships now so I have more then just my husband and internet support groups when I need the fun, feedback and growth of relationships. It is helping to fill the hole - but it's slow learning to be a friend and to receive friendship.

LookingUp