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Post by LookingUp on May 27, 2005 17:32:51 GMT -5
Happiness and other Attitudes
I've been doing some self-analysis on personal happiness. I've had people say since I'm not happy in my marraige then I should leave. Sorta' like personal happiness is the goal of marriage. I'm not convinced that is the goal of marriage. I like what my family physician says, that "God invented marriage for people to have a long-term relationship where they can grow; if they happen to be happy then it's an added blessing." But part of me is hanging onto glimpes of Cinderella with happiness ever after.
I certainly wouldn't want the stability of my husband staying with me be dependent on if I made him happy all the time. I don't go out of my way to make his day miserable; but sometimes even with my best intentions I do that anyway. That's part of co-habiting for the long-haul. I'm glad his commitment stays even when he's not feeling happiness and I've made that same commitment to him.
Maybe some of this happiness quest is because civilized society has too much time on our hands. If we were striving for food, shelter or safety - then would happiness be a goal?
Yet I see newsreels of people in war-torn or third world countries who are living in poverty like I've never imagined - and you see children smiling and playing, mothers holding their babies with a look of contentment on their poverty-ravaged and hungry faces.
One of my friends spent six weeks in a country where women must be dressed in head to toe in clothing and never speak to a man. Yet she says the men were very respectful of the women and the women were joyous and content with their lot of life. In that culture women often weren't given any more status than cattle but the women had their Muslim religion, their children and their friends and had a degree of peaceful and joy she said she seldom sees in North America. She went to a wedding and the men celebrated in one room and the women in another. She said the women's party got quite loud, boisterous and wild and they had a terrific time.
Is my attitude dependent on my circumstances or is it dependent on my choosing to have any specific attitude. So if my attitude is a frantic search for happily ever after; then am I setting myself up for a fall if happiness is based on other's interactions with me - and even my interactions with me since I sometimes disappoint myself?
Therefore, if I choose a certain attitude - say serenity - and strive for that in my personal life (irregardless of my circumstances or marriage); then wouldn't I have a better chance of reaching that goal since it's not dependent on others? It would seem it should be. Plus, if I'm serene, then wouldn't I have more of me to give away to others in loving friendships since I wouldn't be frantically looking to meet my unrealistic expectation for happiness? Maybe it's from the location where I was raised, but people often say, "He makes me happy." But I've never heard anybody say, "I make me happy." I've heard people say, "I'm content." But I've never heard anybody say, "He makes me content."
Today I choose serenity and contentedness. It worked for the most part. It also helped me with my food sobriety. I am mildly grieving the loss of expecting happy ever after. But I realize contentedness feels more laid-back and relaxing then chasing that elusive butterfly of happiness. It sounds much more do-able; a much more realistic expectation. It also sounds much more comfortable and requiring much less energy - yet with the potential to be very fulfilling in a new way. Maybe that's part of middle age adjustment in preparation for the silver years ahead. _______________________
I woke up this morning and my husband was getting up. He came downstairs and my first thought was I had to come down to monitor his computer viewing. My next stop was if he's going to do it, he'll find a way. I rolled over and hugged my stuffed animal and fell back to sleep. I woke up once when his chair squeeked and my first thought was not if he was getting up for more coffee; it was wondering if he was mb. I once again choose to roll over and go back to sleep. That is not ignoring an issue and hoping it will go away, in my opinion; it is recognizing where I have control and where I don't. It is recognizing crazy-making behavior and choosing not to act on it. It's trusting God to tell me when to get my fanny out of bed and check and when He's got it in His more than capable hands. ____________________
I felt really awkward but told my husband how much I respected him for not touching or looking inappropriately at me for the past month or so. My wording was awkward and he acted like I'd grown two heads and had a lava lamp for eyes. I can't believe he didn't remember the many fights we've had about his touching/looking; but maybe he just can't acknowlege any personal growth or he'd have to admit what a depraved bully he'd been. Anyway, I'm glad I let him know I appreciated it, even if it wasn't a graceful or fluid exchange. Hopefully next time will be easier.
LookingUp
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Post by LookingUp on May 29, 2005 11:20:52 GMT -5
Life is not a popularity contest
I was raised to think life was a popularity contest. Mom always pushed us girls to be popular and gave us hints on making friends on making boys like us (by necking and petting) and asking us out again, on how to rally people to vote for us to get homecoming queen or cheerleader. I failed miserably at being the social star she wanted. My sister met and exceeded her expectations. I don't know how many times I heard, "If you'd just try harder you could be as popular and smart as your sister." Aurgh. No wonder I was in my 40s before I got over the resentment and truly cared about my sister. My sister didn't do anything wrong, but her sharing the same planet just reminded me that I was the defective, disappointing, unloved child. Yet, the main thing I really resented was she won the Betty Crocker "bun" trophy and I didn't. She hated homemaking and I loved every minute of it - cooking, cleaning, sewing, knitting, heck, I even made the family's underwear including my bras for years because I loved being a homemaker. Yet she won the danged award and laughed about it since she hated homemaking and found it drudgery. But girls were not allowed to take higher science or math but required to take 4 years of home economics at our school; that's the only reason she took the class.
Needless to say, Mom is a butt-kissing, people pleasing, gossiping, back-stabbing, social butterfly. (I'm not saying all social butterflies have these negative attributes as I'm sure there are genuine people out there who love people and being around them.) But as she ages, I see a lot of her friends getting tired of being gossiped about and back-stabbed. Many will not even tell her Hi anymore but walk away. So what I always thought I wanted to be, that I couldn't be - was maybe because my intuitiveness was saying I'd sell my soul to get what she wanted me to be.
My husband's porning has brought up all these old insecurities. All of them. I must not be popular or he'd only want to look at me.... if I was special then he wouldn't want to take his eyes off me to look at porn... if I had figured out better how to be social and have friendships, I'd have better support from friends - or at least not hide my problem.
I even question my decision of being a homemaker because of his porning. It's not lucrative, it made me dependent financially, it's not glamorous, I don't have cute little stories to tell him about my exciting day at the office or classroom. I don't doll up in suits and heels to scrub the floor like I would to go to work and he says he misses that. Yet, it was a decision we made together. I don't resent the decision, yet wonder if it played into his choice to porn.
This morning I was thinking about the popular girls at my high school. I was on the fringes, a pretty wallflower and my shyness came across as conceitedness (or that's what Mom said). For years I blamed my crappy childhood social life (and unacceptance by Mom) on my shyness and insecurity - but I look at the popular girls - the cheerleaders, the homecoming queens, the student council board. Several of the kids were from alcoholic homes, several were sexually abused (most by one old perv in town), one had a mother in and out of mental hospitals, a few were in foster care and a couple were emancipated at age 16 and worked full time, managed an apartment and finished school. One was locked in his room with no food for not getting straight As or not excelling at sporting events; another boy was told daily that he was the reason his father drank - because he was inconsiderate enough to get conceived so his parents were stuck with each other. This was a small school that graduated about 25 kids a year! I doubt if overall their home life was any worse or better than mine. Sure, there were a few lucky ones who had "normal" homes (or at least they never admitted problems to me); but overall there were probably as many popular kids from troubled homes as there were kids from more normal backgrounds.
I wonder why some kids take hard homes in stride and other kids let it hold them back or get into addictions and compulsive behaviors? Why was I a kid who let my background hold me back? Why did I choose food addiction as a coping mechanism?
I don't know if there's any point to this. Just needed to type it out, reread it and see if there is any point. So far the point to all this is illusive. It makes no more sense reading it then it did thinking it.
I'm still LookingUp to God believing He has the answers.
LookingUp
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Post by LookingUp on May 30, 2005 7:25:32 GMT -5
Night Shift
Thank God, the three night shifts in a row are done for this month. Now he'll only have 2 night shifts a week. I totally hate night shifts. It totally brings back all the porn fears.
When we were first married, I'd ask him to wake me when he got home from work at 7:30 AM so I could spend a little one-on-one time. Since he had three kids living with us full time, we had so little alone time. But he refused to do it. If I'd wake up on my own, he was sometimes friendly and sometimes dismissive. I think that was his porn time. Now when he crawls into bed and snuggles into me, I feel like I want to barf... hands that have been wanking are holding me; eyes that have committed adultery are seeing me. It totally grosses me out. It takes an act of willpower to not stomp out of bed but I know I need my rest. Some time I can't stand it and get up. Like today, I actually heard him get home so came downstairs and won't go up until I figure he's asleep. I don't think he porned as he was watching sports news - but the memory and lack of trust still makes me want to puke.
I bought a new bed, box spring and mattress when we were first married. Within a year it started making more noise then a creaky gate in the wind. He loved it - great excuse to not have sex because the kids or neighbors would hear us. It sags so bad in the middle that I normally wake up with a back ache. He refuses to replace it or let me buy a new one. But it makes sense - if I can't even yawn without the darned bed squeeking, then he'll certainly hear me get up so he can shut down porn and look interested in sport or photography sites. The bed is so noisy, the neighbors probably know when I get up.
Why does this keep coming up. Because I can't figure out how to dump the residual anger and still don't trust him. What normally works for me to dump the anger. An apology and talking out why the person did behavior and being heard why that behavior hurt or angered me. But he won't talk. If I try to talk, I get "I don't know." "Never thought about it." It sounds like I'm married to a moron - but he's very intelligent - made it through high school a year early and got 88 on his gov't tests (had to get 50 to actually graduate). He's very articulate and able to communicate on any subject but him or us. Guess that means our relationship ranks up there with Spam (on the computer or in a can).
Obesity
I know a lot of guys blast us SOs for gaining weight. I think I deserve a medal that I didn't put on double since D-Day. I was thinking this morning and he hasn't given a compliment since D-Day. As I kissed him good night this morning, I realized he really doesn't have any room to judge. According to the medical charts, I'm 75-80 pounds overweight; but those same charts would class him as 70-75 pounds overweight. He carries it better but I realized his belly sticks out much more than mine. I still compliment him because I find him beautiful - even when he's 8 months pregnant. I've put on 45 pounds since we married, but he's put on 45 pounds, too.
Golly gee, I just went to the gov't recommend weight and I'm only 70 pounds overweight and he's 50. The doc says some of my weight is from the way the sick liver can't properly utilize food - some malnutrition and since it can't digest fat, anything I eat with fat goes on my hips. Doc also said I'm lucky because my body is a good one that's putting it there and not in my veins as cholesterol.
Parents and learning about God
I remember when Dad died and I was 12; there was so much pain and nowhere to put it since Mom refused to let us talk about us. Told us to be strong and get over it. Since D-Day, life has felt the same. Don't talk, be strong, get over it. I'm just as impotent at age 54 as I was at 12 to get people I love to talk to me, to hold me when I grieve, to support me.
I've read that if your parental units weren't able to be there for you as a kid, that it's very hard to get an accurate understanding of how God wants to be there for you when you become an adult. I've read and memorized many scriptures of how God loves me and wants to be there for me. But there's still a part of me that believes I'm even too defective for God to care about. I belive he loves me, but with reservations. .... I often feel God loves me based on my performance - not on his ability to love. My logic knows that's skewed, wrong and demeans God; but my head can't wrap itself around that truth. I want to believe it so much but I'm so afraid to be hurt again.
Anger
Since I can't use my normal method of dealing with the anger, pain, resentment - then how do I deal with it? I try to do step 3 and turn it over to God - but it doesn't seem to stick since I don't know my husband's side. If he wasn't too chicken to talk about stuff, these bumps in the road of life could become wonderful ways to connect, to grow individually and as a couple. I feel so very alone in this marriage. I realize we are born alone, go through life alone, and die alone. But I know we were made for connectedness, community, camaraderie - and I have so little of that in my life. My counselor assures me his refusal to talk aren't because he's chicken but because he's never looked inside himself and truly is clueless what's under the surface - sounds like a lame excuse to me.
I remember when I was about 18, I snuck out of bed, walked into the country a couple miles from home where there were no farm houses in the middle of a full-mooned night. I cried, I screamed, I growled like a injured animal. I was there rolling around on the dirt road for about an hour in deep emotional pain. When I got up, I felt so clean inside - confused, wondering if I'd lost my mind, not understanding what had happened, but peaceful for the first time in a long time. Now that almost 30 years have gone by, I need to go do that again. Get the pain and anger out so it quits hurting me, so I don't have to stuff it down with food. It's scary to think of doing that - to let all that pain go free - it'll probably start forest fires, tidal waves, hurricanes, tornados and who knows what with the force of the blast. But it can't be good holding it in, either.
Love
I'm sure if anybody reads this they probably wonder why I stay. I stay because I love my husband and he's a good man. He's more than I ever expected to have in my life and he's very good to me. I still see glimpses of his deep love for me and that thrills me; but I see more of his resentment and isolation and that scares me.
I also realize that although he does things to hurt me, I'm sure I do things that he feels are hurtful. That's part of living together. I also realize my co-dependency and his isolation won't get into the co-D mode. He could hunker down and meet my requests for talk and open communication - but if his heart wasn't in it, then wouldln't that be co-dependency? Thus this marriage is also a very major situation in my life that is teaching me to get over the co-D.
Friends
After church last night, four women I respect and enjoy invited me to join them as they start a new home Bible study. We spent three hours around one lady's kitchen table and did the study, laughed, talked, shared and it felt so good. I haven't done enough friendship stuff since I got sick around Christmas. I felt so connected, warm, vibrant, accepted, alive. One lady is twice divorced and twice widowed - since I'm twice divorced we talked about that and laughed at ourselves. I think we all felt built up and encouraged.
I called my husband at work to let him know I wasn't going right home. He was very, very .... don't know the exact word..... I felt like I became invisible to him. He is so resentful of my female friendships. The few fights we've had about my very infrequent social life have brought out his resentment that I'll go out with them but I won't go to the bar with him; therefore, I must be ashamed of him. I've volunteered to go out to meals, events, sports, blah, blah - then he says I'm acting like his mom and trying to push him into my mold. I won't go drinking with him because he's lost the privilege by how he treated me when I did. I've given enough second chances to gag a yawning rhinocerous. No more. He can go alone and if he gets drunk and forgets to come home then I'm history. He fears he would forget to come home. He knows I'd be history as I left two husbands for adultry. So he stays home and suffers in silent resentment... silent to me.
I resent that he can't be happy I'm having friends. I resent that I feel he "punishes" me by treating me invisible for having a good time with my girl friends. I resent if church goes a bit long that occasionally he accuses me of not going to church but having an affair. I'm tired of his insecurities.
I probably handled it wrong at first. I'd cater to him, make a big deal about his hurts and fears. That doesn't work any more. If he wants attention then he better try to get positive attention rather than have me crawling on my belly and groveling for sins I didn't commit. Not gonna' happen any more. The max repentence from me is "Sorry you feel that way; why would you marry a woman you don't trust?"
And the day will go with him treating me invisible; me resenting. Neither of us talking because if we do, he'll blameshift stupid stuff at me, I take all my very limited energy trying to keep us on topic because he resists talking by bringing up all my sins and potential sins of the past.... even before he knew me. Anything I say can and will be held against me the next time he's upset. It's just easier to not say anything. He's got me right where he wants me - and I hate it here but not sure how to change it! I wish we had a win/win relationship; but when there are disagreements it too often feels like "let me kick you down so I feel a step higher."
This too shall pass. Eventually I'll find the magic formula where this (expletive) doesn't get under my skin; where I have God's peace and joy that aren't tied to my circumstances. That is my goal and I know it's Biblical so I pray it happens soon.
I'm still LookingUp to God - from hence cometh my help.
LookingUp
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Post by LookingUp on May 31, 2005 7:49:15 GMT -5
Getting the Anger Out - Part 1
I feel so angry that I feel so angry. This wasn't how I wanted my life and marriage to feel.
I got five hours of sleep. I need eight. I'm tired enough to go full force with my anger so it's a good time to to start getting it out. When my husband proposed I told him no. I said I would not marry a smoker and I wouldn't be a step-mom. He promised to quit smoking when we were married so I could be there to help and that his kids wouldn't be a problem 'cause he'd make them mind so we'd all be comfortable. He promised it would only be two years and we'd have an empty nest and that it would all work out okay. He worked until he convinced me.
It was two years (a half year and 3/4 year at home) for one kid, three years for one kid and four years for the youngest and youngest was a boomerang kid. I so fear that if we move we'll have this one back with us. This is the kid that my husband won't discipline. He stinks from poor hygiene, he masturbated in front of me with no consequences, dated a 13 year old when he was 19, gets drunk and is such a klutz that he makes holes in walls and broke the railing to the basement. He also didn't pay his $40 a week room and board after he turned 20 and didn't get into trouble for it. This is the kid (who's almost 24) that came for Christmas dinner and didn't even give us a card - but opened all his gifts like he was entitled and didn't even say thanks (that I heard). We had to lock our bedroom door with a key or he'd rob our stuff. We locked the storage room or he'd take what he wanted. My husband refuses to discipline the kid because "he'll figure it out some day." I think it's because his mom died. Well, big deal; I lost my dad when I was 4 years younger than him and Mom didn't use that as an excuse to raise a selfish brat without responsibility or hygiene. I'm probably really not against the kid as much as seeing my husband be a doormat and let this kid run all over him. Oh, I don't discipline because the kid is 6' 7" and has been known to put heads through walls...... I was told when we married to never discipline because of his temper and size. Again.... got myself in a position where I was powerless. I'm angry because my husband didn't follow through. I'm angry because I don't trust my husband to not let his kid move in again - especially if we move. I'm angry because my husband can't/won't tell me how he'll handle it if the kid drops in on our doorstep homeless again.
The other two kids I have learned to love. They aren't children of my body, but they are children of my heart. The oldest was disciplined, the middle was ignored but managed to turn himself around and is an exemplary young man; but he's also a porn and sex addict who cheats on his SO - but he's respectful to me and we've developed our own relationship.
But my husband won't assure me that his son won't be allowed to move in with us when we move. Last summer my husband told him not to come home but to get a job where he was at school. The kid called from the airport that he was home. Husband said he could stay during summer break but he had to go back to school. He decides not to go back to school so stays until November when my husband told him he had to move - kid finally moves out in late January. I doubt if he averaged one shower a week - or change or clothes. I won't eat at the fast food place where he cooks. No way! His teeth wear little gray socks because he never even had a toothbrush. Of course, my husband won't make him shower as "it's his life." I did refuse to eat meals with them when he stunk; I'd take my plate to another room. Of course, it didn't bother them because they could talk sports and ignore me - just as they did if I was there. Like normal where his kids are concerned - he makes up his mind and tells me that's what he's going to do then puts the addeneum of asking me if that is okay. If I suggest modifications then I'm butting in and it's his kid and I have no input. It's a win/win for him. He can do whatever he wants, deceives himself that I agreed (since he asked); plus he can then act offended if I don't back him 100% (since I 'agreed'). Hey, I'm invisible. That makes me angry.
I'm angry that I'm horny right now; ovulation is always difficult time for no-sex as my sex drive skyrockets and is so very intense. That ache of not having had sex for a few weeks makes me angry. Again, I feel powerless because I can't force him to have sex.
I'm angry because he woke me up coughing. I'm angry that he hasn't managed to quit smoking. I'm angry that the smoking makes him cough, gag, almost puke up his guts in the morning coughing. I'm not only mad that he's killing himself but that he's killing my sleep. I'm angry that he'll come to bed without airing out and refuses to wash his face so his beard stinks. I'm angry. I'm angry he still smokes. I'm angry he hasn't made a plan to quit. I'm angry he lied to me. I hate his lies. I hate that he disrespects me so much that he lies to me. I'm angry that he's acting like some day he'll just miraculously wake up and not desire his tobacco addiction - fat chance since he's smoked for 43 years (since he was 12).
I'm angry that we can't talk about anything except superficial crap. I'm angry because when we were dating he said the reason his first marriage lasted so long (until death did they part) was because they spent an hour every day curled in bed and talking. I doubt if I've averaged an hour a month of gut level communication. His excuse? Because we don't have kids together to talk about. I'm angry that he could self-disclose while we were dating and then turn it off. I'm angry that I believed his lies. I'm angry that he deceived me.
I'm angry that if I try to discuss something at bedtime that he can not only refuse to talk, he can see the tears in my eyes and roll over and be snoring in 30 seconds or less. If I thought I hurt his feelings, I'd be pacing the floor for hours trying to figure out how to make things right. Maybe I'm co-dependent. Maybe he just hates me so much he gets his jollies knowing he hurt me so he rolls over totally satisfied. I can't fill in the blanks with truth because he won't talk. That makes me angry.
I'm angry that he won't try to find options together for things we can do together for a social life. Heck, he won't even watch a television show together as a way of spending time. Okay - we do our annual vacation and planning for that. We eat 3 or 4 meals together a week. We get groceries together. We take our annual day trip to the ghost town. But we don't have anything to do for a DATE. I'm not ashamed of being married to him and want to be seen with him, want to do things with him, want to spend time with him. I can only presume that he's ashamed of being seen with me - of courting the wife he chose. It makes me mad - not only because we don't have a social life and/or dating life but he refuses to talk about it. If I make suggestions then he won't do it or tells me I'm being bossy. Okay, so I don't make suggestions but he won't come up with dates. The only thing I can presume is that he's ashamed of being seen with me. That makes me angry. Why would anybody marry a woman they were later going to hide away because they were ashamed of picking her? It doesn't make logical sense. But if people don't tell the truth or be open in communication - then the person with questions can only fill in the blanks with erroneous information. That quest to fill in the blanks wins - even if it's filled in with wrong information.
I'm angry that when we were dating he showered me with little gifts. There were big gifts for birthday and Christmas. He took into consideration what I liked and made wise decisions. He often surprised me with a single flower, a pretty pebble he picked up on a walk, a surprise candy bar. It wasn't big things or even things that cost money, but little things that said, "while you were out of my sight, I was thinking about you." Now I don't even get gifts for birthday or Christmas unless I pick them out and order them.
I'm angry that when we were dating and he realized my feelings were hurt that he wanted to talk about it. If he messed up then he apologized. In the almost 7 years we've been married he's apologized twice - when his son mb in front of me and the last D-day. At first he'd bring me roses - but no apologies. Later he'd bring me a single flower - but no apologies. Later nothing - no words, no gift, no sign that he cared I was hurt. These were like major things - getting drunk and leaving me at the bar; or getting drunk and fondling another woman.
I'm angry that when we were dating he said he occasionally watched a sporting event on television. To me, occasionally means maybe every week or two. Heck, I wouldn't even mind if it was a couple times a week. I wouldn't even mind if it was daily as long as I got SOME time. But he watches television or news more and more. The first two years he watched the Stanley Cup and World Series - that was all the television he watched; so I believed he was capable of telling the truth - that he occasionally watched television. But it gets more and more and more and more. One of problems with ex was his compulsive television... when he had to get up at 3AM to leave for work at 6 so he could get his television "fix," I knew there was a problem but never thought it was an addiction - but I've learned so much in the past few years. I seldom watched television - maybe once or twice a week ever. I watch more now then ever in my life. I wouldn't mind his television viewing if he'd make an attempt to watch a few things I like. He likes History channel, but if I sit beside him, then he changes channels. Last night I asked him if he'd watch "Faith of our Fathers" since he likes those type of things on History channel. But it was off to bed for him. Do something with his wife? How repulsive. I'm angry that I'm learning to watch some things he likes (sports or news) but he won't even attempt to watch things I like (CSI, Without a Trace). I'm angry he wont' even try to find a new genre neither of us have tried so we can have something together. I'm angry. I feel I'm being shut out on purpose. I feel he hates me so much that he doesn't want to try to spend time together. That makes me angry. That makes me frightened.
I am angry that he destroyed my trust with his drinking and how he treated me and other women. When we were dating he occasionally had a beer and I'm okay with that. He said when we were dating that we'd go to a bar three times a year - our anniversary, his birthday and New Year's Eve. I was okay with that. I was not okay with 7 or 8 times a months. What really made me angry was he was drinking a 12-pack ($4.25 a beer) about half the times we went out and often buying snacks and smoking ($9.00 a pack) and we didn't have enough money for the bills so he paid "his" bills but let "my" bills go - so I was several months behind on my car payment and may have ruined my credit. When my house sold, I had my car paid off so we didn't have that hanging over our head. Plus, at that time, his kids were getting $40 a week each just for sucking air - they didn't have to clean their rooms, go to school and had no chores yet they had more spending money then I had. I was angry about that. He eventually changed that policy - and that made me happy.
I am angry that when we dated he went to church with me and talked about the Lord. We get married and he went a few times, then we both quit going and now he won't go and the few times he's gone I wish he was home - he starts trying to play slip my hand up my skirt, grab my breast and whisper gossip all through the service. Of everything, this is what I resent the most. I wanted a marriage founded on God and using his Bible for guidance when we ran into snags. But that's not to be. I'm angry because I thought that was something we were both in agreement on. I'm angry that I was deceived. My counselor says he's entitled to change his mind. Yeah, he is - but it doesn't mean I have to respect him for changing his mind on something that was fundamental for me. I am angry. This point is the biggest of all - this hurts even more than the porn, the enabled son, the lack of communication. I'm angry that he pulled the rug of my joint-spiritual foundating out from under me.
As to our social life. Am I chopped liver? What in the hell is wrong with a man that he'd marry a woman so he could ignore her? So he could do anything possible to try to break the friendship and love that brought us together? Where in the heck is his integrity? Where's the man I fell in love with and married? What was wrong with me that I didn't realize he was a mirage and didn't exist at all?
To be fair, how have I changed? I laughed more back then. Since I worked at an office so I dressed up every weekday. I've put on weight (but he'd seen photos of me this heavy and I let him know it was a possibility while we were dating). I got sick - but not much I can do about that. I've gotten more gray hair - but he knows I like my gray and was hoping that would happen.
The few times I've asked him how I was different now then when we were dating; he's said I'm mostly the same and no big surprises except he thought I'd party more - but I only knew about the 3 times a year that he'd said would be our bar dates. He was upset I didn't sleep nude - but since I didn't sleep nude when we were dating I really don't see the issue as I said I was uncomfortable sleeping that way. I made a concession - I sleep without panties. Once in a blue moon, I'll sleep naked. If he truly wanted that, then he should make made, passionate love at bedtime so I'm to wore out to find my nightie. That sounds like a win/win - he gets a naked wife and I get to make love!
I'm angry because the man I married was a mirage, an act, a vapor that wasn't reality at all. My counselor says I was partly self-deceived that I had to see most of that coming but was looking through the love lenses and wasn't thinking clearly. I've read back through the transcripts of our many talks on icq and even knowing the what reality is like now, I can only pick up one or two clues that life would be like this.
The kid thing: When we were dating, he was having trouble with truancy but if they broke furniture or a wall then it came out of their allowance. If they marinated in cologne he wouldnt' give a ride. I thought he knew how to discipline. I realized there would be some nuts and bolts issues that would need to work through on co-habiting with his teen kids; but I had no clue the biggest issue would be morality in the home. Smoking, drinking, drugging, truancy and sexing in the home - with no consequences. I'm still angry that he allowed illegal things to go on in our home and took the chance that him or me could have gone to jail. I'm angry at that level of disrespect; I'm angry that he didn't let me know what I was getting into. I'm just thankful those days are (hopefully) over.
The smoking: Since I quilt cold turkey after 7 years of smoking two cartsons of Pall Mall filterless a week, I just presumed that anybody could do that. I never thought of myself as special. I was very tolerant when he was down to 3 cigarettes a day but now that he's up to more then 1 dozen cigarettes a day, it really bugs me as the coughing is worse and wakes me up and isn't healthy for him. That one I should have seen since I saw him smoke maybe a dozen cigarettes during our courtship. He was always careful to wash his face and brush his teeth so he didn't stink of tobacco and hide the butts and not just throw them all over the yard. By the way he persued me when we were dating, I presumed he had the balls to persue not smoking with the same forceful determination that would lead to success. He bought the nicotine gum to try to quit; but didn't smoke any that I'm aware of because he gave it to his kids to use to make it through high school (the school here has a smoke break for the kids every two hours so they can keep something besides chaos and fights in the classroom). He bought the nicotine patch and didn't use it. The bottom line is he likes his addiction and plans to keep it and escelate it. Nothing I can do about it. I could move into the guest bedroom so he doesn't wake me up at night (often rolls over and puts his mouth about 4" from my ear to do his coughing and gagging; but that leaves me feeling insecure about his porning. I am angry that he won't get the help he needs to follow through on his promises. I am angry that he disrespects me so much that he won't make a plan to give up his addiction. I'm angry that he wakes me up. I'm angry that he comes to bed stinky and his yellow stained fingers burn if they touch delicate tissue. I'm angry that I have to keep figuring out boundaries for something that he said wouldln't be an issue. I'm angry.
About sex: This was a topic we discussed extensively when we were dating. He said he was use to 2 or 3 times every two weeks and I was use to 4 or 5 times a week - we agreed to try for twice a week. Unfortunately, he was lying and has changed it to a few times a year. I wonder where he thinks I"m suppose to get my sexual needs met? Maybe that's why he's so unsupportive of my girl friendships and why he accuses me of cheating if church goes long. I believe marriage needs a good sex life. Those endorphins truly help us cope with the little annoyances that living together create - and a good sex life creates endorphins that help put things in perspective. No endorphins and the ability to cope dwindles and every molehill feels like a mountain. What really hurts is two of my three husbands refused sex with me. I'm not proud that I have had several other men (sorta ashamed actually as that's so against my moral code) - but in a way it's a sanity saver. I know I'm not the defective one sexually. I know I can please a man and be pleased by a man to the point it leaves us both panting on the bed too spent to move. I'm angry that my husband and I have proven we're capable of that kind of sexual love - but he refuses to try. I'm angry he won't get counseling to determine why he can't get an erection since physically there's nothing wrong - since the equipment works with mb or night/morning erections. I'm angry that he doesn't respect our marriage enough to work on our sex life. I'm angry that he puts his privacy above counseling so he could find out why he has ED. I'm angry that he will only occasionally try non-intercourse sex. I'm angry that our sex life sucks and I'm angry that he doesn't give enough of a (expletive) to try to get it fixed.
Communication: I truly didn't see this coming. We could talk on icq and later a program where we could talk like a phone over the internet, plus phone calls, plus the 9 weeks of his vacation and 2 weeks of my vacation spent totally together in the year before we married. We never ran out of anything to say. I feel like I was an item on a checklist. Get groceries. check. Wash laundry. check. Wax car. check. Get wife. check. Go to work. check. Pay bills. check. I feel he did whatever it took to get me to say yes and then he'd got a wife so he could just forget everything he'd done to get me. We went to counseling to work on the social issues; she'd ask him a question to think about and when we came back in two weeks - he'd never come up with ideas but excuses of why we couldn't have a social life. There was little discovery of ways to work the marriage better or communicate more effectiely. He quit because I wanted to talk about his porn/sex issue. Maybe that was a mistake on my part; but I didn't see we were making much headway at learning to communicate because he wouldn't be honest, wouldn't do his homework, would just gaslight. Since we don't go to counseling now to learn to communicate better and to see each other's side - then I truly don't see this problem ever getting better. Since this is the foundation of a good marriage - I'm angry that we may never have that. I'm angry that I was deceived. I'm angry that he tried in courtship and quit in marriage. I'm angry that he can't talk about why we can't talk. I'm angry.
His honesty: If I haven't left his lying ass - then why can't he just be honest since I've showed my commitment to doing the till death/adultry do we part. I didn't catch him in lies while we were dating; but some of that was naivity on my part. He'd call me at 2 AM (4 AM where he lived) when he wasn't working and said he got up to make his water. Now I think he was going to the bar, it closed at 2 and he went out for supper/breakfast. When he got home he called to check up on me to assure I was alone and asleep. I thought it was love. I thought he'd really made his pee - if his words were a bit slurred, I figured it was sleepiness. Having drunk to excess never crossed my mind. After we married, a few people would tell me they were surprised he drank to excess because they'd never seen him at the bar with a beer - only with a coke. Others have said he was his normal self as he was falling down drunk in the bar, looking under women's skirts and being a jerk-ass. I can't even get pre-me understanding of who this man was. Not that it matters, but it's a fun mental exercise. His daughter talks a lot about it - but I'm sure her impressions are very biased that he was the best and worst of a parent depending on her expectations.
When we were dating, I told him I was really afraid of menopause. My mom was a total basket case during that time. I know days (like now) when I'm post-ovulation to mensus plus having peri-menopause moods that I feel very, very emotionally hot-wired. My emotions are just barely contained and I feel jumpy like I'm going to explode in a million pieces. Not necessarily with anger but with overwhelming emotions that are so strong that no human could contain them. He said when we were dating that if I had a hard menopause that he'd spend extra time talking and cuddling me and not take it personally if I flew off the handle. All pretty promises - but if I have a rough day, cry easily, am grumpy - then he takes it personally and won't talk about it and locks me out of his life - I become invisible. I feel angry that I'm not worth a little tlc when he sees I'm having a difficult time.... just worthy of his silent scorn.
(too long - moved to second post)
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Post by LookingUp on May 31, 2005 7:49:42 GMT -5
Getting the Anger Out - Part 2
I am angry that I feel so alone. I'm angry that my expectations weren't met. I'm angry that I didn't see this coming. I'm angry that life dealt me this hand. I'm frustrated because I can't change it and I want to have those needs met in marriage so much. I'm angry because I'm angry that I'm clueless to know how to get those needs met outside marriage. I'm angry that I'm clueless how to let go of those expectations - so they hang on and cause me pain, anger and major insecurity. I'm angry that this marriage makes me feel like a stupid idiot. I love growing as a person; but sometimes I'm angry that I feel I've had to do so much more growing then he's had to do. I'm angry that he's so selfish that he expects me to do all the changing. I'm angry that maybe selfish isn't the right word - but since he wont' talk - then how can I fill in the blank with the truth?
To be fair, the above is only small segments of our marriage - as small or large as I allow them to be in my mind. There are things I love and respect about him, too; and they are the major part of our relationship. He's a good provider. He has very good money and time management skills. He's a dedicated worker. He's taught me to relax and not be a workaholic. He's a good cuddler. He kisses great and that didn't stop when the sex stopped. He's intelligent. He's sexy looking - like a middle aged Ken doll... maybe more like the tin-man from Wizard of Oz with big shoulders, long legs, erect posture and limber gait (plus he needs a heart that wants personal growth and to develop the marriage to see what we're capable of). I respect that he quit drinking. I respect what a good grandpa he is. I respect that he treats my kids equal to his (even though they are weird and selfish). I respect that he's kept his promise to take me home every year ('cept the year I didn't want to go). I respect he wakes up and is awake and not mopey for an hour while he wakes up - like me. I respect that he's got a good sense of humor. I respect that he's learning to make a few boundaries with his enabled son. I respect he helps around the house without being asked - if he sees something that needs done then he does it and doesn't expect me to fall all over him in thanksgiving because he washed dishes. (although I do try to remember to thank him) He makes sure I have a generous allowance so I have some financial independence. He makes sure I have economical phone access so I can call my family internationally any time I want for as long as I want and hunts for ways to make it more economical. He notices if I need new clothes and suggests we go shopping - I often don't notice as I'm not into clothes since gaining weight. He makes sure my car tags, license, etc are taken care of in time. If my back aches, he'll give me a short backrub and occasionally a nice long one. I respect that he's worked hard and saved so he can retire young. I respect that he's friendly and smiles easily. I respect that he takes good care of the yard and has a pretty flower garden and rose bushes - hard to do with 6 weeks of summer. I respect that he's a great cuddler. I respect that he's learning to respect my boundaries. I respect that he never gets angry or belittles me when I'm sick or too weak to do my chores; he takes that in stride - he may ignore me but he doesn't criticize me (that's a first for me). I respect that in this town of mega-gossipers, that he seldom gossips. I respect that he's able to just let things go - doesn't stay in a frump if the neighbors block our car in the driveway, or wake us up at 3AM playing their country band over their home PA system.
I feel so much better after getting this out. The tears have quit. I'm able to talk rationally. I don't feel so tense. Confession must be good for the soul.
I"m still LookingUp to God to get me through this.
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Post by LookingUp on Jun 1, 2005 14:20:55 GMT -5
I'm not frustrated now
After my huge vent yesterday morning, I've really felt calm. I didn't know getting the anger out would make me almost punch drunk with relief.
Plus.....
We had sex! We made love! We had a roll in the hay! We did the horizontal hussle! We did the mattress mambo! It was wonderful, terrific, fantastic, everything I remembered it could be. Those little endorphins are chugging around my blood stream and I haven't felt so relaxed, happy and content in a while. PMS and peri-menopause hormones are totally eclipsed by those good sex endrophins!
Plus.....
He had a firm enough erection we had v@ginal intercourse for a while. Not long enough for either of us to orgasm that way; but it sure felt terrific to do it. Plus, the weight I gained made it so everything lined up better and it was awe inspiring! I really admire him for trying and I'm so thankful that it was successful. I don't know how many years it's been since we've had coitus without Viagara (I think 4). Viagara makes him sick with a throbbing headache and cuts down on both of our pleasure. I'm so thrilled that things are looking up. I attribute the change to his stopping porn. Of course, since he won't talk about that subject, it's only a presumption.
Plus....
We're home hunting and we spent most of yesterday truly talking. Not just "this is a nice house" or "that one's pretty" but what we wanted, why we wanted it, how certain features would be beneficial or not to individual retirement plans. I feel like he's my husband again and not just a boarder in the same dwelling. I feel like we're connecting on more than a roommate level. I feel loved and cherished.
I realized having him connect to me truly makes me want to get healthy again; I'd given up caring if my disease killed me or not because as lonely as I was in the marriage - I would have prefered to be with Jesus as I know He won't ignore me and make me feel unloved.
I'm still LookingUp to God.
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Post by LookingUp on Jun 3, 2005 21:21:16 GMT -5
Several topics tonight:Aftermath of child abuseI've typed so much in Freya's journal that if filled my journaling needs the last couple days. It feels so good to discuss the past with somebody who's been there. I wish nobody would ever have had to be there though. The time mom crawled into bed - her kisses were sloppy wet. I was 13 and wasn't allowed to date until 14 so hadn't been kissed passionately before. My first kiss from a boy (same boy who gave my sister her first kiss) was as sloppy wet as hers. I didn't go on another date until I was 18 - just didn't want slobbered on. Ex2 went 18 years of our marriage refusing to kiss me on the mouth because I asked him to occasionally swallow so his saliva wouldn't run down my face and get in my long hair or ears. It's hard to be passionate with swimmer's ears! I remember him slobbering so much that I'd have to change the pillow case and wash my hair before I could get to sleep - when I was big pregnant with child #2, I said no kissing if he couldn't stop slobbering. It made him mad and he never kissed me passionately again. I wonder if he learned sloppy kisses from all the porn he watched? He told me I should consider it a sign of how excited I made him. I thought it was just bad manners. But I'd never made the connection between hating wet kisses and Mom. We also went the last dozen years or so without touching my breasts because he refused to do it gently and I had several infected milk glands and it was excrutiatingly painful. I love how DH kisses. He's like kissing a passionate man and not like bobbing for apples. Even when we're not having sex for long periods - he still spends time making out and I love his kisses. That's a good thing! He was also willing to learn to be gentle on days when my breasts hurt... I really respect him for that. rapeI was never much of one for going to bars. It just was not my thing. Some of the girls from work invited me to go to a disco and I went to make friends but not for the scene. I remember finding the whole thing disgusting. The music was loud, if a guy asked you to dance then he wanted to go out to his car to make out or get laid. The music was so loud we couldn't talk - so it wasn't conductive to making friends. This one guy kept asking me to dance - Leisure Suit Larry - middle aged, shirt open to the naval showing his hairy but drooping chest, and lots of gold chains. I said thanks but no thanks. I was there about an hour and then walked home since it was only about 7 blocks as I really hated it there. That was a Friday night and the next week I was raped. I bet he stalked me and raped me for not dancing with him. I don't know that without a shadow of a doubt after 35 years, but as I think back I think it was the same guy. What a sick perv. Act as ifI was laying in bed reading and was paranoid my husband might be watching porn and kept finding excuses to run downstairs for a drink of water, check e-mail, anything to monitor him. Then the logic side of my brain took over and asked if I had any suspicions by how he'd been acting? I do not think he's been porning and he's making progress in treating me as a beloved human and not an object, our sex life is improving, we're talking a little bit. Things are better then they've been in over a year. So why was I almost in panic mode wanting to monitor him? All I could think of was my own insecurities from childhood that I didn't deserve any better then a looser husband. Then an OA slogan kept popping in my mind. "Act as if..." I got tears in my eyes. I want to act as if my husband has left porning behind and we're headed for a better future. But it's so scarey because if I "act as if" and then find porn it would devestate me. But as I think it through - if I don't "act as if" and still find porn, I'll be devestated. I can't see the pain of discovery would be less or more if I'd chosen to "act as if" in the meantime. How do I know if I "act as if..." that I'm not just going back into denial. I will "act as if" one day at a time and see how that works for me. I will discuss it with my counselor. I'm really confused by this new concept. I "act as if" I've forgiven somebody after I make the decision - and eventually my emotions line up and I realize I truly have forgiven them. Can I "act as if" I'm in full recovery from my husband's porning and find the same peace? choicesI've heard that life is just a series of choices. I realize it's much more than that, but using that as a analytical model - then it seems that if you make a choice (to forgive, to give up an addiction, to get an education) then the hard part is done and you only have to follow through with actions that correspond with the decision. That works for me in many, many areas of my life - but it doesn't work in my food abstinence. I keep praying for the gift of repentence and the gift of abstinence from God. Although I feel bad I've gained weight, I don't yet feel bad that I ate compulsively to get there. It's almost like my denial system can't make the connection of the obesity and the eating. My logic can see that but my denial system is in place strong. I'm still LookingUp to God
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Post by LookingUp on Jun 5, 2005 19:47:59 GMT -5
Act as if
My decision to "act as if" was really put to the test today. I'd taken a nap and my husband was watching Sunday afternoon sports. Our bed squeeks, our floor squeeks; so I know he heard me getting up; heard the toilet flush (I know, too much information) and start down the noisy stairs. But he was hurrying from his computer to the couch. My first thought was he'd had to close down whatever he'd been watching on the monitor. I read his concern for me (as I hadn't been feeling well today) into a syrupy smoke screen to get my mind off why he was walking away from the computer and even decided he looked guilty. I wanted to cry. I was so hurt. I also knew if I'd ask that I'd get the lies.
Then I felt he was trying to push me to take a shower and go to church. My first thought was - he wants me gone so he can porn.
I wished I could have went to bed and sleep for 20 years - not a good coping skill. I reminded myself that I'd chosen to "act as if" and was determined to act as if "act as if" was working in my life.
To keep an eye on him, I came to this forum, read posts, posted, and thought about it. Several times while I was on the computer, he'd run to his. I realized when his tv game was on commercial, he was watching a java sportscast of another game. That's probably what was happening when I walked down the stairs.
The look I interpreted as guilty may have just been concern and a bit of fear that my couple weeks of feeling good may be dwindling.
He knows I enjoy church and he often encourages me and he knows I have a more cheerful attitude the following week after going to church. Chances are it had nothing to do with porn but with him trying to be supportive since I've asked him to learn to do that.
Residue of D-Day still sticks to me
Kinda' like the ash from Mt. St. Helens that stuck to everything. I hate the aftermath of d-day. I feel paranoid - like the man can't even sneeze without me interpreting that in light of porn. Not everything in his life is porn related - I know that but I quickly forget it and it seems to be the filter through which I view him.
What is wrong with ME that I look for the bad and hunt for the negative meaning in everything he does? Almost like I'm trying to catch him in the wrong - even when he's in the right so I'll feel better about myself. That's sick behavior and I want to stop it. It detracts from being who I am and who I want to become. I'm sure it makes a wedge between us that stops both of our healing. I'm so thankful he doesn't monitor my food intake like I monitor every second he breathes air. He must love me a lot to put up with me - or else is in oblivion.....
I got bold and I'm proud of me
We were talking about the financial difficulties one of my sons is having. We wondered why they can't understand that when they can't pay their utilities or their rent - then why blow what little money they have taking all 5 of them to Outback. Of course, since son is an adult, I don't say that because I don't meddle. But it seems if they had two brain cells together they would figure it out.
My husband said when the kids were still at home that we didn't have extra to go out for meals and we took it in stride. I reminded him that he drank every week and sometimes twice during the first 4 years we were together - which was $4.25 a beer not counting tip and usually had 10 to 12 each time; and I was quite frustrated at the time because I hadn't received my work visa and he was drinking my car payment so my payments were often late and were 3 behind when my house sold and I paid it off. He changed the subject; I didn't press as I'd made my point and I let him know of my hurt - and that really released a lot of resentment for me.
I was so proud of me to bring up something that had hurt me - not in an condemning way but in a way that let him know how I'd felt back then.
Maybe if I had better communication skills back then, we wouldn't have some of the communication problems we do now. I certainly accept my half of the problem. I know I can't change the past but can only work to make the future better. That's my plan. Not condemn myself for what I didn't do then - but to start making opportunities or making the best of opportunities when they appear now.
I'm still LookingUp to God.
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Post by tootrue on Jun 6, 2005 0:15:28 GMT -5
Lookingup, I'm glad things are going well with your husband now. Your vent was magnificent! What a great excercise to do....Wishing you continued happiness and good communication, and success with all the things you are working on, Ellie
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heartbroken27
New Member
Taking it Step by Step, Day by Day
Posts: 38
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Post by heartbroken27 on Jun 6, 2005 11:28:37 GMT -5
I'm new to this board, and I'm new to my hubby's PA. The counselor that we are seeing asked us to buy 2 books "Wild at Heart" by John Elredge and "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldredge (I hope that I have the last name right). I'm not even through the first chapter of "Captivating" and I get goose bumps and tear up, it hits so close to home for me. So I thought that maybe it would help you as well. What the counselor said was that your hubby reads "Wild at Heart" and you read "Captivating" and then switch books. So I thought that I would throw that idea out there. You do seem to be a very strong women...just keep on looking up and I hope that you recieve all that you long for.
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Post by LookingUp on Jun 6, 2005 17:43:32 GMT -5
Ellie,
THank you for the wonderful comments. They really super-charged my day.
hb27,
Thanks for the book ideas. I have them marked in my favorites in Amazon for next time I order. I just completed "Do you think I'm beautiful" by Angela Thomas - it sounds very similar and I cried many times. There's some quotes from that book somewhere in this online journal. I carry that quote in my purse and read it any time I'm feeling unloved or unloveable. I hope that quote will help me work past some of my shame-based thoughts and insecurities.
Act as if
I went to counseling today. I discussed how I'm using the phrase, "act as if" and she said I was using it in a healthy way and not in a denial way. She said I've confronted, I've made boundaries, recognized I can't control him, now all I can do is protect myself from getting drawn into the maddness of monitoring him. We also discussed how often when the partner detaches with love (acts as if), the addicted partner no longer feels pressure from his mate and that freedom gives him the liberty to start seeing things more from her view - and may help him grow.
Boundaries
My husband made a boundary! I'm so proud of him. I wanted to jump up and hug him. This is real progress. Historically, if I did something that hurt him, he'd just block me out for days or start picking little fights, or annoying me (passive aggressive?) But he would not let me know what I'd did even if I asked. This time he asked me a question that let me know quite boldly (but gently) that he did not like what I was doing, he found it rude and belitteling and that he did not treat me like like that. He was right. I apologized and said I'd try harder and I'm not doing that any more.
I'm excited because this is a real positive step for us. It's like a glimmer of light that we may have deeper communication. I'm so proud of him!
I wonder if he was surprised that it didn't turn into an argument. I think we're both growing up.
Seeing his growth has also brought up a full bucket of warm, loving feelings for my husband that I'd hidden so I didn't feel I was at so much risk.
Growth
She said since when we were first married that I had very few boundaries and wouldn't voice my needs, that normally the partner who grows first into boundaries and stating needs - the other one sees them as controlling with rules and bossiness. Yes, I've been accused of that.
She'd told me a few months ago that often when one partner gets firm in setting boundaries and follow through that the other partner will either leave the relationship or eventually tag along in growth. That was a fearful time for me because I was afraid if I stayed strong that it could end the marriage just as easily that if he would keep porning would end the marriage. Since I"m usually the dumper instead of the dumpee when relationships end - that was so out of my comfort zone that I was in denial she'd even said it. I know we're not out of the woods yet (is any marriage), but I feel better bringing up that denial piece and considering it.
She also told me to stand strong in the qualities of a house I want. This is a new experience for both of us; we've both had mortages but never picked the home. (weird circumstances in our separate histories).
Spirituality
I'm not spending as much time on my spiritual side because I'm busy with support boards and home hunting. I know this is the top of a slippery slope and I need to get my priorities straight or I'll run aground. Reminder to self: Start spending quality time with God because it brings me joy and keeps me from selfishness and self-pity.
I'm still LookingUp (but not as much as I want to).
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Post by LookingUp on Jun 7, 2005 17:21:19 GMT -5
DH was on night shift and I slept like a baby without one ear open listening for him to get home and waking up wondering if he's doing something I wouldn't approve of. I didn't have to go through my morning "act as if" lecture. Thanks to the hydroelectric company - no electricity from 6AM to almost 11AM. That meant no television, no computer, not enough light to read. Aaah, think I'll send them a bonus when I pay my utility bill this month.
When he woke up we decided together which realtors to phone again. No wonder some of these houses have been on the market for 6 months - probably nothing wrong with the house just that the realtor won't return e-mail or phone calls. Jerks!
I started a book called "Hiding from Love" by John Townsend (the co-author of Boundaries). I think it's going to be an excellent book. Not only have the first two chapters helped me understand how I hide in my food addiction, I would think it would be even more pertinent to understand PA. Will make a book report when I'm done.
I loved the final post today on the "Should I tell my wife" locked thread. It's so wonderful to be validated because I'm growing and changing and what I perceived as one way a year ago doesn't have to be the same this year. I've lived with relationships where everybody wants everything static and never changing - and reading that just made me smile. I wanna' change, I wanna' grow, I may be getting old, but I don't want to get so rigid and afraid of change that life gets stagnant and boring. I think the desire to grow and change and be better is what life's abount. The day I didn't learn something new or grow or change is a day that was a black hole.
LookingUp
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Post by LookingUp on Jun 8, 2005 19:46:49 GMT -5
No big insights today. Just a calm, serene day where I was not compulsively thinking of food or my husband porning. I could handle some more days like that! In fact, it's almost 10 PM and I still haven't even thought enough about food to decide what, if anything, to eat for supper. Didn't even think about food enough to battle whether to have a snack or not.
Took a nap while my husband did whatever - probably watched sports and I didn't obsess about what he might be doing without me monitoring him. I feel he's making progress on overcoming, we're talking more (but not about that) and life is good.
There's the niggling little negative part of my brain wondering if this is the calm before the storm? Guess that's why I need to keep trusting God one day at a time.
I'm still LookingUp to God.
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Post by presciousself on Jun 9, 2005 8:56:21 GMT -5
That's great. Wishing you many more days like that.
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Post by LookingUp on Jun 9, 2005 18:43:14 GMT -5
Another calm day. I love it.
I am incorporating the filter of "act as if" quicker into my thought life. I took a nap and only had to remind myself once before I fell asleep. I heard his computer chair squeek (where's the WD-40?) and woke up and it took a couple minutes to stop the panic feeling. Other than that - very nice day. The more relaxed I feel, the more relaxed he seems to be. Wonder if my paranoia was changing the whole emotional atmosphere of the house so he was stressing, too.
I like it. He works 12-hour day shifts this 3-day weekend, so it should be three more calm days. I could adjust to this, but then there's the shame-based nature that tells me I don't deserve this serenity. But the shame-based nature lies and likes drama - so have to retrain it to enjoy serenity and calm.
LookingUp
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