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Post by rockwell on Apr 10, 2007 10:40:08 GMT -5
VOICE REPORT! The voice was clear this morning. It told me to look at P once I got to work. It told me I deserved it since my wife and I had some sharp words with one another. THE REMEDY: I called my wife and told her I was sorry for snapping at her. Then came to this board and read the newcomers messages and the utter pain they are in. I read my tag line. I recommitted myself to my fight against this which began on Feb 22. The voice fled. My proper mind is restored, and I am thankful for this message board, yet once again. rockwell
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Post by blueclouds on Apr 10, 2007 19:15:24 GMT -5
Just coming off a 2-week period of no internet connection. I was ok for most of it, but over the last two or three days the voice went wild. It threatened to take over again... "How easy and comfy it would be to just slide back into the pit, soft and warm," and that sort of thing. I had to hold out though I realized at the time that ultimately holding out won't do it. In fact, it was this realization that finally silenced the voice. Funny -- thinking to myself, "You are utterly vulnerable to this," ended up making me less vulnerable. Day 77 or so. These days, the voice is urging complacency, which leads to... which leads to... which leads to...
Blueclouds
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Post by timm on Apr 10, 2007 20:49:46 GMT -5
That's a wonderfully succinct description of how surrendering and admitting powerlessness can be an important step both in facing ourselves honestly and in becoming sober. I certainly share the experience of being able to use the utter conviction of my own weakness as a tool to find - outside myself, as it seems to me - the strength to stay sober.
Tim M.
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Post by ethanm on Apr 11, 2007 9:43:14 GMT -5
"maybe if we just flip through a message board with bikini pics" "maybe if we just browse YouTube and if you happen to see something you weren't supposed to , we can call it an accident" "maybe we can use Google image search for work, and if one of the things were looking for could be innuendo, we'll keep looking at more pics till we see something on accident" Thats how I used to be wired and probably alot of you recovering. Its the "we" part that SHOULD FREAK YOU ALL OUT. If you refer to yourself in the plural regarding inching towards the gray area that can lead to a big slip, you need to walk away from the computer till YOU are YOU and not YOU and IT.
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Post by rockwell on Apr 11, 2007 12:18:44 GMT -5
VOICE REPORT: This morning the voice said to me, "GO MB! You don't have to look at any P, but just go MB....come on, you need to get it out!" The thought was actually tempting and I started to imagine myself MBing. I stopped the thought and realized that it is not worth it. Save it for your wife, rockwell! Oh the things we can think....
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Post by holyman on Apr 12, 2007 8:00:04 GMT -5
The voice is asking me to look at some innocent pictures of girls wearing little cloths. It's telling me that it isn't porn I am looking at, just pictures. They are not naked and therefore it's alright. I know the voice is lying, it want to trick me into giving in, it wants to lead me down the slippery road. I tell the voice, get away from me in the name of Jesus Christ. Go aways.
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Post by ethanm on Apr 12, 2007 10:04:38 GMT -5
So what does your voice sound like? Its always been a shooting almost pain like feeling down my back and a numbing feeling inside my head like someone kneading my brain with heavy hands. I hate it, I rewired it to sound like chewbacca. Now its just funny and easier to tell it to go jerk off by itself.
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twig
Full Member
Posts: 119
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Post by twig on Apr 12, 2007 20:31:15 GMT -5
I noticed it as "the voice" the first time, just this evening: Sitting at the computer, the name of a site I used to visit flashed into my head, vividly, covering up all my other thoughts for half a moment. I got up from the computer, thought about how I was lonely and down, and why I was hearing it, and moved on - did some chores, called the friend I'm visiting this weekend.
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Post by aslan on Apr 12, 2007 21:22:59 GMT -5
Kinda like this idea. I haven't heard the voice for a while but he is kinda screaming at me at the moment. Let me own that so that I can also tell him to shove off at the same time.
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Post by blueclouds on Apr 13, 2007 3:34:28 GMT -5
The voice is always with me. Sometimes he hides by keeping silent, but he is always waiting to jump through any window I leave open. Abstinence keeps the voice relatively quiet, but does nothing to diminish the owner of the voice. This can only be achieved through real change. I want to change. I want to fundamentally restructure my mind -- see, the owner of the voice depends upon my current mental structures; he is composed of them.
Blueclouds
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Post by wheresmysoul on Apr 13, 2007 7:18:57 GMT -5
The voice nags and nags and nags...distracting me until I go MB just to shut it up so I can be prodctive again. Its a smart voice too.. it knows me. It is just as smart as I am. BUT, its not as strong as I am. thats the key.
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Post by JohnG on Apr 13, 2007 12:29:25 GMT -5
I heard the voice this morning. It was calling on me to fantasize just as I woke up. I struggled for a minute, then said this is stupid! and got up and took a shower. No more voice.
Please file a Voice Report with the appropriate authorities.
JohnG
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Post by ethanm on Apr 13, 2007 14:43:16 GMT -5
It has been gnawing at me for a few days now, I suppose he's chanting his death rites. Good. Little (expletive).
Wifey's doc switched around some of her meds, and while she's in a better mood, the libido takes a while to re-establish, so I've been feeling a little neglected, but instead of throwing up the walls and taking matters into my own hands I'm showering her with favors, gifts and compliments. Its GOTTA work better this way, right?
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Post by haikuyou on Apr 13, 2007 19:32:13 GMT -5
i've been writing about the voice, who I call The Beast - or It - in my recovery journal. I thought i'd repost. It's an interesting little fella. kind of a (expletive). it'd slit my throat for a high.
:
from my journal "And So it Begins:"
I've decided that I'd enjoy doing character sketches of the beast and tracking its behavior. like a little science project. The objectification of addictive voice is helpful in that it sepparates it from me and removes the confusion of thinking that 'occasionally porn seems so attractive to me.' in fact, 'occasionally porn seems attractive to it.' or more accurately still: "Porn is always attractive to it, to the beast. Occasionally it tries to speak for me and can be convincing unless i make it repeatedly clear that it has no claim to my personal pronouns."
so beast activity:
thursday: The beast was promoting tension about attending my 12 step porn group, and hijacked my language center on a couple of occasions. It mentioned that 'the group will think you are in denial and that will have the effect of undermining your confidence'
a couple comments in the direction of the beast:
- no outside environment factor has the power over me to force me to choose to look at porn or masturbate. undermining of confidence or any other undesirable effect that an outside source might have on me has absolutely nothing to do with my Choice to never look at porn or masturbate.
The beast was saying: "would you look at porn for a billion dollars?"
in response: tricky little (expletive). But there is a fundamental issue with the question - the hypothetical scenario has exactly a zero probability of occuring, and thus, the answer -being dependent on the occurance of an impossible scenario - is moot. But more importantly, the question is a deceptive beast tactic at making me feel as if under some circumstance i would in fact decide to abandon my big plan. If i gave in and admited the potential to abandon my big plan, i can predict the next beast tactic as being somewhere along the lines of 'if you'd do it for a billion - how bout for a #%@*&ing good high?" or maybe a more subtle approach to see 'what abstenance is worth to me' - stepping it down further and further until im in a position to choose to go back on my big plan.
the problem with even entertaining the beast ideas is that the beast is not something that has any interest in my well being whatsoever. It would choose a porn high over my finding happiness in this life. it would choose sexual highs despite consequences. I don't doubt it would kill me, hurt people i love, etc. with no second thoughts. So me even entertaining the beasts hijacking of my brains language center is like me entertaining suggestions and advice from someone who has repeatedly shown a desire to destroy me and the people i love. The difference is that there is no reason to fear the beast, unlike a truly beasty person, because the Beast is utterly powerless and has no ability to hurt me or others - unless i yeild such power and control to it.
but for the record,
masturbating or looking at porn under "extenuating circumstances," which is exactly what the beast's hypothetical scenario describes = masturbating or looking at porn whenever I REALLY REALLY want to. maybe not when i want to, or when i really want to, but when i REALLY REALLY want to. and that is not being recovered from an addiction - that is being addicted, since I have chosen to abstain and would be acting against my better judgement. Masturbating or looking at porn when i REALLY REALLY want to = living a life that is not in harmony with my personal morality and my intellectual/emotional/spiritual desires. That is the reason i have quit porn in the first place - to ensure that harmony and escape addiction. So, would i be an addict for the rest of my life for a billion dollars? No. easy answer. A billion dollars wont make me happy. A billion dollars might make me happy. Porn WILL destroy my short and frail existence. No 'mights' about it. Decided.
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Post by haikuyou on Apr 13, 2007 19:37:17 GMT -5
more Beast activity:
i dreamed last night about being sexual with a coworker. It enjoyed it. I also enjoyed the dream, but only realized upon waking that the sexuality was with someone who was not my girlfriend. In the dream it was like she was my girlfriend. the beast piped up with "look at that - you dreamed about being unfaithful - your #%@*&ed now. good luck keeping bad thoughts away today- you know you liked that dream - and you know how to get with another girl in your head whenever you like..."
i think i'll label such behavior a "frontal beast attack," because of the deliberate and direct message. but there are a couple things i would communicate to the beast, were it capable of comprehending, which it is not, because of the lack of intelligence inherant in beasthood.
first of all, i enjoyed the dream because sex is a good thing. The enjoyment is unrelated to the enjoyment of pornography. The sex dream played out in a stage in my mind in which i was essentially making love to my lover. Only after waking did i become aware that the girl in my dream was a coworker and not my lover. Thus, the excitement that it, the beast, associated with the dream - an excitement of 'being with another woman,' - like with porn - was not the excitement i felt in the dream. That is a fictional story told by the beast - that i was making some sort of decision to be with another woman in the dream - like i might make a decision to be with another woman through porn. It was a Good Trick and a valid effort on the part of the beast to attempt to equate the sexual dream with pornography and try to undermine my confidence with such a story, but it doesnt pan out. I know that is confusing to you, Beast, but you are a #%@*&ing idiot - millions of evolutionary years behind me.
I am not responsible for the scripts, actions, profanity, or sexual content of dreams, except in that my past behavior or thoughts may have influence over them.
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