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Post by gambaru on Oct 14, 2007 20:55:51 GMT -5
I thought that I would start this journal today. I have had 3 P free days so far and I am making a goal of taking my recovery one week at a time. I know that the road ahead will be very difficult.
I accept that I am a PA and as such, I intend to do a lot of self-examination to get to the roots of the addiction. I think that by establishing why I started in the first place, I will have a better chance of dealing with this disorder.
I am in my forties now with a wife and young child, with maybe another to come. My addiction started with soft P in my early teens. In my late teens I began to visit sex shops and buying P magazines, a practice that continued until the mid 1990's when the internet became accessable and a flood of P became available at the touch of a mouse.
At times of job and/or relationship stress I used P for MBing on the web almost very day. At other times, such as recently, I have been using it once or twice a week, even though I have been trying to avoid it.
It is really amazing how many triggers there are for sending P thoughts careering into my head. TV advertising, newspapers, billboards, the casual sight of a short dress on a summers day, a hardware catalogue with a woman holding a drill....the possibilities are endless when your head had been filled with P rubbish for so long.
Anyway, I am so glad that I found this site and of the people here who have experience and empathy. I am grateful for their help and encouragement already.
ps. I ordered a Patrick Carnes book from Amazon today - "In the Shadows of the Net". Looking forward to its arrival!
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Post by gambaru on Oct 15, 2007 20:46:15 GMT -5
Old ways of thinking and doing die very hard. Whenever I am anxious about something, as I was this morning about a fairly minor incident, I almost instinctively go searching for a P hit. It is that ingrained in me. I can understand why though. The habit of P use is very much like a drug, which propells me for short time into a unreal world of numbing forgetfulness. It is a pure escape.
But I didn't give in to the urge and instead am writing in this journal and thinking of other ways of coping with my anxiety. I know that I am an anxious person, a worrier, so I must find better ways of dealing with it.
So, clean for 4 days. It's a start, anyway.
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Post by gambaru on Oct 16, 2007 21:15:16 GMT -5
Reading through the journals of others at this place is an inspiration. I was quite easy for a while to imagine that the terrible feelings and impulses that I have had (and still do) are not unique but common to many PA sufferers. I don't feel like such a freak knowing that I am one of many. That in itself is very helpful and gives me greater heart and determination to improve myself.
I find that by keeping myself occupied on the many things I have to do around the house is useful in keeping 'the urge' at bay. I have that urge as I write (perhaps its a desire for oblivion) but I will not give in to it. I think that it is 5 days now that I have been P free.
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Post by gambaru on Oct 21, 2007 19:08:44 GMT -5
Last week was a tough one. I was beset by anxiety and often tempted to give in to P. But I didn't, so I have been P free for 10 days now. I guess that means I've reached my first week challenge and am into the second week. I would give myself a little pat on the back but I realise that this is just a tiny way along the road and that I've been here before anyway.
The power of P imagery comes back in full force when I am under pressure. Even when I feel slightly uneasy, those images flit into my mind and the voice starts up. It pretends to be the voice of reason ('come on..just once'...it's not really harmful, is it?' and so forth) but really it's the voice of death. Death to life. Death to a decent relationship. Death to whatever is life-affirming.
It's tough. Even as I write. But there is no choice but to go on.
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chops
Junior Member
Posts: 53
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Post by chops on Oct 21, 2007 22:05:02 GMT -5
I can relate to the images just coming up without warning. Just keep up your resolve to stay clean. And since you feel reluctant to, I'll give you a pat on the back.
Keep up the good work
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Post by gambaru on Oct 23, 2007 22:08:31 GMT -5
Thanks for the pat on the back chops. Very much appreciated!
Spending a lot of time alone with my little boy makes my vows of abstinence that much harder. I have time to kill and only limited options on how to use it up. On a positive note, the book I ordered on breaking the cyberporn habit arrived and I have started reading it. So far its excellent in describing my 'disorder' and there are many case studies, such as can be found at this site.
I am only thankful that things did not get to the level that some poor souls (in the book) did, particularly with acting out or illegal behaviours. But who knows, they all started out at the same place, and I might have just as easily gone that way too.
I am going to do more work on my anxiety levels...some sort of guided meditation, I think. I really need to sort out my feelings of uneasiness.
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Post by gambaru on Oct 24, 2007 23:27:58 GMT -5
Today is a better day. It usually is if I start off with a swim in the morning. I also saw more of my darling wife today so that puts me in a better frame of mind. Just minding the little one can be a lonely affair, especially if its over so many hours. That's not a complaint, but loneliness and boredom are temptations that I prefer not to have deal with as I struggle with this recovery.
You know there isn't a day passes when a P image from somewhere deep inside my head flits into my mind. Dismissing the thought immediately is critical, whereas entertaining it for even a few seconds is the beginning of a slippery slope.
I think its 12 days now and my two week target is almost here. Far from rejoicing, it really just means renewed vigilance.
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Post by gambaru on Oct 28, 2007 21:39:16 GMT -5
I really should write evreyday but sometimes my responsiblities as a father and husband take up vast swathes of my time. Some days I feel no urge to look at P at all; while other times there is a deep vein of desire within me that I have to do my best to dismiss. I have been P free for 16 days now, so I achieved my 2 week target. I will admit though that the sheer tension of recovery almost got the better of me and I did peep at a few racy pictures of my lovely wife. I'm happy to say that they are definitely not P in any shape or form and my wife is only too happy for me to do it.
She is incredibly understanding. I have suggested that she look over this site and particularly areas concerning the partners of recovering PA's but she is quite disinterested and in short, doesn't want to. I'm glad that she trusts me and I will really try to keep up this effort. Hard as it is, it's worth it.
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Post by gambaru on Oct 29, 2007 21:15:00 GMT -5
Feeling a little out of sorts today and trying hard to gainfully occupy myself whilst the toddler is sleeping. It doesn't take much to set off urges....a dream, the scent of perfume on the wind, a summer frock. It's what you do with those urges that is critical. To entertain them is to court trouble, well, at least it is for me. My old habit of simply loading up the P on the PC must be broken, so I must find ways of channelling stress in to creative tasks or even sporty tasks. Reminding myself of my great good fortune of having a caring family is helpful. Once we have moved house, I want to seriously take up writing. I know that that will help.
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Post by gambaru on Oct 30, 2007 18:56:10 GMT -5
It very tough at the moment. I have a friend who is dying in hospital and all manner of other things that are up in the air. So recovering from PA is an added stress. But I want to perservere because, frankly, I hate porn and all it stands for. I hate what is does to me and the dependency that it creates. I have been reading widely and find, again and again, people's lives ruined by PA. I hadn't reached that point but, for the grace of God, might have one day. I have a mildly obsessive personality so it is doubly important that I keep well away from the stuff.
There are a lot of fine people at this site who have waged difficult battles with various kinds of addiction. They are inspirations to me. There is a lot of knowledge, wisdom and experience. To my disappointment, though, there is also an extremist element whose quick judgements and dogmatic positions are, at best, counterproductive. I spent almost 20 years as a school teacher and found myself many times in counselling positions. Dogma doesn't work. Nor does shock therapy. Listening, understanding, moving ahead in small increments towards achievable goals, depending on the individual. And taking that person at face value when they first present. In the end its about building trust so that valuable work can be done.
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Post by gambaru on Nov 1, 2007 21:48:47 GMT -5
Well, I reached my three week goal today. 21 days without porn (small drum roll)! I find that taking it a week at a time is the best strategy for me as I seem to think in terms of weeks rather than days. That may be due to the years spent as teacher, counting down those weeks to the holidays!
I haven't made any firm resolutions on MB yet, except to minimise it as much as possible. I accept that there can be a link between still-remembered porn imagery and MB, but in my case the nexus is far weaker. So at this stage I want to focus on being P free and if I decide later to completely abstain from MB (supposing I am convinced of the need), then I will give that a try too.
P gets a lot smaller in one's life if the focus is changed to things outside of the self, whether they be other people, situations, tasks and so forth. I'd like to return to volunteer work early next year as this also takes me out of myself.
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Post by gambaru on Nov 6, 2007 19:29:56 GMT -5
Sorry. I haven't logged in for a while. No, I'm still clean and P has been the farthest thing from my mind. My friend in hospital has died and we are all sad and in mourning. The funeral will be in couple of days time. Only in death do we truly come to appreciate the qualilties of our friends and families. We take so much for granted. Goodbye Arthur.
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Post by gambaru on Nov 10, 2007 17:11:26 GMT -5
I'm finding less and less time to write here. Now 4 weeks P free which, while not a record, is becoming a little more solid. Of course, there are times when I do have the desire - quite often, in fact. It's just that I have to find ways to say No each time. There are a lot of mental tricks you can play on yourself, or little side excursions of the mind. Directed, of course. But I have trained my mind and body so well to respond to the powerful stimulus of P that it will it will be a lifelong struggle, fought every day.
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Post by unico on Nov 10, 2007 17:59:22 GMT -5
congratulations on your 4 weeks. It looks like you are realising using porn is always a choice. Keep making the right choice and you soon be clocking up the months
Unico
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Post by gambaru on Nov 11, 2007 20:29:30 GMT -5
Thanks Unico. Yes, I do realise that it's a choice whether to use or not, irrespective of compulsion. The hard thing, the really hard thing, is to make that choice and to keep making that choice. And to not allow excuses, whether real or imagined, to compromise that choice. The flesh has always been weak, though the will can triumph.
Incidentally, I like your Sartrean comment. Memories of undergraduate days....
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