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Post by gambaru on Nov 29, 2007 17:29:04 GMT -5
Thanks Mr Ouch. Your observations and encouragement are a constant source of strength for me. Yes, I need a tsunami warning system in place asap. Sorry to extend the metaphor.
As part of my recovery program I have started reading an interesting book about the effects of childhood trauma and the consequences (often subtle or hidden) that flow into adult life. One of these is a lowering of the threshold at which we respond to stimuli, whether it be good or bad. I am particularly bad at handling stress and get unduly upset at little things that go wrong. Like many people I had a dysfunctional adolescence, though I always baulk at the label of having been a victim. One can recognise one's ill treatment or traumatisation without taking on board the role of a victim, which strikes me as being counterproductive at best. Sorry to sound preachy, but I know too many people who are trapped in this mindset.
So I'm very interested in finding out how I can raise my threshold levels in response to all kinds of stimuli. I hope that you can see how this is intrinsically linked to my PA. Becoming irritable, unhappy or upset is a very clear trigger for me. Ongoing anxiety (I have no idea why) is another strong trigger which goes all the way back to teenage years.
I am working on it and I do have some clear strategies and outside assistance. But it will be a long journey and its likely to last the rest of my life.
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Post by MrOuch on Nov 30, 2007 9:06:16 GMT -5
Gotta give a big "Amen" to that. Stress has always been the trigger for me. Now, when I feel myself getting stressed out I look around for the temptation monster. I know that's when he's in his element--offering a respite from the cares of the world. No thanks. I'd rather suffer the temporary stress of life than the lasting agony of regret. Be well today.
MrOuch
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Post by gambaru on Dec 1, 2007 20:43:58 GMT -5
Absolutely, stress or irritability plus boredom are a deadly combination. The voice gets active, especially the sly one that whispers 'why not just a peek at some of those bikini models. That's not porn, is it?' Well, maybe it isn't I say, but I know full well that its a stepping stone into P and one that, 9 times out of 10, it will lead me into trouble.
I forgot to mention that last Friday was week 7. But it doesn't get any easier, does it?
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Post by MrOuch on Dec 3, 2007 19:13:04 GMT -5
Congrats on 7 weeks.
As someone once told me, it doesn't get any easier, it just gets different. It's almost like it's an organic thing. The temptations that can't get through the front door anymore start trying the back door and looking for open windows to get into your house. You've got to stay vigilant and focused on what you want to find and what you want to avoid.
Be well today.
MrOuch
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Post by gambaru on Dec 4, 2007 22:25:13 GMT -5
The house is s pretty good metaphor for this process. I'm sure once all the actual entry points are exhausted, then temptation will try cutting a hole in the roof!
I'm continuing to read as much as I can here, though time keeps getting away from me, especially recently. There are some people with very strong views about just about everything, but particularly concerning PA and SA. Granted that these are very serious matters, but, even so, maybe its better on the whole to skip over an entry that's offends rather than write a harsh rebuttal.
I will try to write often but with the approach of Christmas and moving house, I may be less often than I want to.
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Post by gambaru on Dec 5, 2007 22:54:59 GMT -5
I've been using a meditation CD for two weeks now. I have to report that the claims surrounding this particular CD has been pretty accurate. After a 30 minute session I am more relaxed than ever and completely disinclined to look at P. I am a much less anxious person. Of course, this only the beginning of a program that lasts (potentially) for years, though I may stick to the current level for some time. I will keep this journal updated on my progress because, should it prove to be as beneficial as advertised, then I think it will be a a marvelous weapon in the fight against PA. So I hope that others here might also benefit.
I can see from reading posts here that there appear to be different levels of PA, all catastrophic of course. Though it might be just as accurate to say that PA affects different people in a variety of ways and that individual responses to recovery will necessarily be different. Some seem to struggle with greater adversity, some get less upset about this or that trigger, or the odd unusual or inappropriate post. I suppose that reflects our starting points, our history and our current circumstances.
I am very very lucky that I am happily married to a gorgeous woman and have a relatively new family. I have other distractions like being in the process of building a new house and being in a friendly supportive community. But if I was coming home to an empty house, had fewer friends and social connections, I'm certain that I would find the struggle much more difficult. It is difficult now, its just that I have lot of support to assist my recovery. So my heart goes out to those people, who are far braver than I.
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Post by gambaru on Dec 6, 2007 23:29:42 GMT -5
Today was a very difficult one. I woke with a headache and a storm was brewing from the east. You could almost taste the electricity in the air. So it was a rather tense time. I checked my inbox as usual sorting through the junk and other items, then clicked open an email from a friend, which had an attachment. They are always very innocent.
Opening the attachment I was taken to a web page with a you-tube style window. To my great surprise, up popped a short video about something called real dolls, life-size mannequins made for, well, lonely people, I guees. At that point I should have shut down because the images (even though lifeless and without context) where certainly potential triggers. But curiosity got the better of me and I let the video run its 30 seconds or so.
Of course, my mind has been plagued ever since by recurring imagery. I know that I should have turned off the video within seconds of its opening and that it could easily have led to much worse things.
Therefore, under the vows I made to myself some eight weeks ago (which included not viewing any P image for any length time), I will restart my time again from now. It may he harsh and certainly most of my friends or family wouldn’t consider what I saw as P, but, for the recovering PA, its as good as.
So as a lesson to myself, I must return to day 1.
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Post by gambaru on Dec 8, 2007 21:42:16 GMT -5
I have worked out a system for dealing with attachments and the like. If I am not absolutely certain of the nature of the attachment, my wife will open it for me and vet the contents. She thinks I'm a bit balmy asking her to do it and she thought I was silly making such a big deal out of the incident described in my last post, but that is what I want. Otherwise, I will just hit the delete key.
Really, things are so busy. The grass is almost knee high and the chances to mow it few due to the rolling storms we are getting. The house is almost finished, if only builders and tradesmen will turn up when they say they will.
Nadia (my wife) and I had a swim together this morning while gran minded the bub. That was a really nice thing to do.
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Post by gambaru on Dec 10, 2007 17:53:07 GMT -5
I've been reading more of the Patrick Carnes book 'In the Shadow of the Net'. I realise that I should probably be paying more attention to the details of the 12 step program. I find that some of the material doesn't specifically apply to me, even when I ask myself repeatedly 'Is this how I am feeling'. For example, I don't grieve at the loss of my old 'support', P. I am actually delighted that it is fading into the distance. Yes, sometimes I miss it and when I'm uptight, I naturally want to turn to that old habit. But its not so hard to make the intellectual decision - 'no, I'm not going to do it'. It's harder some days than others, of course. But its never impossible. On a totally different note, I have discovered (maybe remembered?) that my email program has a tool for examining the contents of attachments without opening. So that's one (first order) problem solved!
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Post by MrOuch on Dec 11, 2007 17:15:09 GMT -5
G,
Just checking in. Looks like things are going well. Let that p fade into oblivion.
Be well,
MrOuch
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Post by gambaru on Dec 16, 2007 20:04:28 GMT -5
Very busy lately so no time to come here to write. One good thing about busyness is that you don't get a lot of time to contemplate P or your former habits. Its fades into the distance.
News today of another child P ring that has been busted. The accused are a typical sample of society; a retired police officer, teachers, sports trainers, truck drivers.... My guess is that these men (for indeed they are all men) started out in the same place, looking at 'ordinary' P and gradually, perhaps without realising it, becoming more and more desensitized to increasingly taboo material. Maybe its the incremental nature of the progression that makes this ghastly journey possible. My point is that, to anyone who says that P is harmless, take a look at these men who have taken a trip to moral hell.
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Post by gambaru on Dec 19, 2007 22:10:10 GMT -5
Just a quick note that I'm moving house in the next few days so I might be offline or away camping for the next week or two. To be honest, I'd rather ditch the internet altogether, but my wife uses it quite a lot. Pity.
Happy Christmas to everyone!
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Post by MrOuch on Dec 19, 2007 22:20:55 GMT -5
Back at you. Have a great holiday and move.
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