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Post by gambaru on Nov 12, 2007 22:29:18 GMT -5
With my wife up at the new house painting and my little son asleep, that temptation arises again. The voice is weaker than before, but would grow quickly in strength if I but once entertained a fleeting image or sentence.
So much time on my hands lately, which is not a good thing. But I seem to be handling it, though I am not sure why. By nature I am rather anxious, even when there is no reason to be. So it's puzzling, though pleasingly so. I know in the past that anxiety has been a central trigger for me and P an almost knee-jerk escape.
Outside the cicadas are singing, the sky is that deep late-spring blue. I have had a morning swim. I think I'd like to write something like a song or a novel. Perhaps I'll start with a haiku. Hmmm.
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Post by gambaru on Nov 13, 2007 22:33:55 GMT -5
The similarity of so many of the stories here would be remarkable if not for one common element. The internet. The net seems to be the one easy key to a world of P-ic experience. The shame and fear of disclosure of popping into a sex shop, or ordering tapes or CDs through the post ( a delay in the experience; and to whose address?) is eliminated. Privacy, convenience, immediacy and a vast menu of (often free) P to choose from! No wonder the net is such a lure. No wonder its sits centrally to so many PA's experience.
I can afford to be a little philosophical about things now. There is not a day passes when there is a chance to fall and nothing to be taken for granted. I could easily be swallowed up whole again in 5 minutes. But I can still reflect on the nature of these experiences and their wider implications, without feeling the need to rush to the computer for a hit. I might want to, but I'm not going to. It really is my choice.
To get to grips with my general anxiety and poor coping skills, I have ordered some (rather expensive) CD's from the States. No its NOT P if you're wondering....just music and specially produced sounds that, if the testimonials are to be believed, are great for stress and much else. Looking forward muchly to their arrival!
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Post by MrOuch on Nov 14, 2007 1:12:12 GMT -5
gambaru,
I just read your journal from the beginning. You have done some really great work so far. Keep it going. Be vigilant and clean.
MrOuch
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Post by gambaru on Nov 14, 2007 21:13:20 GMT -5
Thanks for making the effort, Mr O. Every scrap of encouragement is helpful in some way. I do feel calmer now and a little less obsessed with stuff. Also clearer headed. One other pleasing result so far is that I look at women less and less sexually, or as objects of desire. That doesn't mean I don't admire a pretty face, and, it being almost summer here, the odd flash of skin. But it's admiration only, not lust.
It's gone a month now and I count the days, with relief.
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Post by gambaru on Nov 16, 2007 20:50:32 GMT -5
A little more frustrated today. A lot of quite irritating things are happening at the same time. My 20 month old son has learnt how to scream in a very high pitched voice, my wife has period pain and the phone keeps ringing at diificult moments. I've also had these little sharp pains in the groin area for a week or two, and, hypocondriac that I am, I always imagine the worst. The doctor seems to think it will pass, maybe just growing old. Hmmm. It just adds to the frustration.
Yesterday, I reached 5 weeks P free. Its days like today that put you most under pressure. Once again I'm (essentially) alone, Tom having fallen into a deep midday sleep. The temptation is there, but I'm not giving in to the urge for a quick fix. Its not worth it. Not today. Not ever.
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Post by MrOuch on Nov 16, 2007 21:01:33 GMT -5
G,
Don't forget this.
Just out of curiosity, what is your plan for sobriety? What is your plan in the event of intense temptations? You might want to think about this now. Just a thought.
MrOuch
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Post by gambaru on Nov 17, 2007 19:04:31 GMT -5
That's a good question, Mr O. The intensity has not be so strong over the last 5 weeks, probably because I have had so many distractions and also because of my membership here. I haven't thought of a definitive plan as yet but here are some of the circumstances in which I feel temptation can be kept at bay.
In a week or two my family are moving to new house where the internet PC will be in very public space, unlike now. That will certainly be helpful as the web has in recent years been the place where I have accessed P 100% of the time. I live in the mountains on the fringe of a big city so I do not have ready access to other sources, such as sex shops. And thank goodness for that!
I am also seeing a psychologist (which predates my joining this site), who is helping me with anxiety and self-image problems, which I feel are pretty central to my PA. That will continue into the future or until I run out of money!
I am also trying to address anxiety by starting up guided meditation and self-help CDs of various stripes. This is certain to have a flow on effect into other areas of my life.
Finally, I will continue to come here as often as I can to read and write about my addiction. I find that very helpful.
This doesn't exactly answer your question about how to deal with intense temptation, so I will give that more thought and try to work on a better plan. I'm very open to suggestions.
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Post by gambaru on Nov 19, 2007 18:04:11 GMT -5
Another beautiful day and no inclination to look at P. It's really nice to be able to go the computer and just work at other things and not feel like you have to spend an hour or two searching through the utter crap that you formerly did, just to get a ludicrously short-lived high. So I can look at the news, a little sport, a blog or whatever and not feel I'm about to waste a lot of time.
A swim in the morning really helps I think. A natural high. I guess I'm lucky that my local pool is so beautifully located in the middle of a national park. And great company too.
Off to my psychologist today. That's an hour I really look forward to.
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Post by gambaru on Nov 20, 2007 21:44:21 GMT -5
Today I started on my guided meditation program, which is one part of my recovery plan. The CD's come with a great deal of hype but, having spent 30 minutes on one CD an hour ago, I actually feel very relaxed. The program required a dedicated amount of time every day, and I will try to find that time. I guess some days it will be difficult but I know that its important to reduce the anxiety levels in my life. As I've said, escape from stress and anxiety is an underlying reason for my PA, so you can only guess at how significant this might be.
No inclination to look at P again today though I did wake up this morning from an erotic dream. It's quite a natural occurrence and I'm not unduly fussed about what my sub-conscious is doing. Just so long as it doesn't lead back to P.
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Post by MrOuch on Nov 21, 2007 0:31:16 GMT -5
G,
Exercise is one way that helps us stay focused. You're doing well, keep up the good work.
MrOuch
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Post by gambaru on Nov 22, 2007 20:26:08 GMT -5
Another swim in the mist this morning and feeling relaxed. Today is my 6 week P free point, so I have earned a little trip away to see a friend in Canberra. Actually, we have a Federal Election tomorrow so its going to be a bit of an election night bash and I'm pretty excited about it. They are always a hoot!
No, I'm not getting complacent at the passing of time. I am only too aware of how one bad day, or even a bad hour, can lead to my undoing. The main reason I can say no to P is because I want to. It's really as simple as that. If I get the urge(s), which of course I do, I tell myself that I don't want to do it and then I try to find something constructive to do. It's working at the moment so I think I should continue, though I realize that back-up strategies are also critical. So as Mr O says, exercise also helps to keep the nasties from the door
See you in a few days.
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Post by gambaru on Nov 25, 2007 22:05:23 GMT -5
Had a great weekend away. For me there's nothing better than a good chinwag over politics and an election to boot. Okay, well, I am a little strange.
Today I have been assailed by urges. Some of these undoubtedly spring from just wanting to, well, bonk my wife, if you'll excuse the expression. And that's quite natural. But since the birth of our son about 20 months ago, she has (completely understandably) lost most of her libido. That's why it's very difficult to give up MB, which I really would like to do.
My focus is on being P free firstly and allowing other things to follow, circumstances permitting. It's more manageable at least, and trying to do too much at once might just see my house of cards come tumbling down.
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Post by MrOuch on Nov 26, 2007 14:06:07 GMT -5
G,
Just checking in. Glad to see you're still clean. What are you doing to fill the void left by P. You're making great progress in staying clean, what is your plan to deal with the urges you've been feeling?
Stay Clean.
MrOuch
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Post by gambaru on Nov 27, 2007 23:58:36 GMT -5
I'm feeling a little irritable today though I don't know why. That's another warning sign for me so I decided to put on a relaxation CD and come here for a brief chat.
Yes, there is a void left by P but it isn't as big as I had anticipated. I find that minding my son soaks up an awful lot of time and when he sleeps (as he is now) I am especially on my guard. In addition to that I have a lot of the home duties so really, free time can shrink as much as I want it to. Next year I will be looking for a P/T job to fill more gaps.
As for urges, I have been rather lucky to be able to get on top of them. Not once to date have I felt that much pressure that I felt I would break. But if a tsunami comes, I will need to think of how to deal with it. At the moment, that part of the plan is lacking.
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Post by MrOuch on Nov 28, 2007 22:45:55 GMT -5
That's a big warning sign for me. That's when I know I need to be extra vigilant.
The problem with the tsunami is that unless you're scanning for signs of it's imminent approach it can be on you before you know what's happening. That's not a good thing. Journaling here can be a good way of keeping on top of the urges. Keep it up.
MrOuch
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