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Post by rockwell on Nov 7, 2007 15:30:08 GMT -5
Tim,
*Sigh* I know how you must be feeling. Just want to tell you something. Try and get sleep. You have been through one hell of a week with the issues of your ex, your son, what the future holds, etc. Extreme stress that the rest of us have no clue about. The AV was bound to rear his ugly head at this time.
You need to feel peace right now. The AV wants to be activated. Rebuke it!
Your committment is real. But Lust is real (Lust: unbridled sexual desire and drive). Hang in there. One positive thing I want to point out is that you did not complete the MB act. So that rushed chemical high you would have felt if you had ejaculated did not happen.
Do not listed to that AV! He is a liar and a cheat! YOu have lots of positive qualities and think about them. More later....
rock
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Post by LookingUp on Nov 7, 2007 15:52:48 GMT -5
Congratulations on your rigorous honesty. Congratulations on not letting the AV lead you down a grim path of self-flaggalation and shame.
I think what you said here is terrific and shows that you're recovering really good: "When I'm ready for healthy sexuality I'll know...... I am not a bad person. I am not a freak. I am not sick. I don't need to hide..... Now, on with my squedule. the addictive voice wants me to wallow in shame, to waist more time. Bull(expletive) on that." YAY. Please remember not all women are like your wife.... When the time is right, I pray you've grown to the point you'll recognize the red flags and avoid getting into an unhealthy situation.
I hope you have a refreshing, glorious day and have a great time with your son after he gets home from school.
LookingUp
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Post by unico on Nov 7, 2007 17:56:14 GMT -5
Saddle up again Tim, you are still heading on the right path away from addiction. Your resolve to beat your addiction is admirable considering all the personal stuff you are dealing with right now.
Unico
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Post by timoteiy on Nov 8, 2007 15:22:25 GMT -5
Thanks Rockwell. Looking-up and Unico,
I'm dealing with what is commonly know here as 'circling behaviour'. I keep starting and stopping the fantasy stuff and going from one activity to the next and not getting much done. I have to go for an appointment at the bank, box up some clothes and other for my daughter and ex to send on the bus, start to sort throught the piles of boxes all over the house, get some stuff for the lawyer, then go to work tonight. I will resort to the list making, break down my tasks and keep progressing.
The A.V. is prodding me with all sorts of insecurities, working on overwhelming me with the tasks at hand to get me to give up and resort to some form of feeding the beast. I am multiply addicted. the Addictive voice even makes suggestions about smoking dope or drinking, things that it had given up trying for years.
I thought about A.A. and whether I should contact someone there, but I'm not sure that's a good idea. I need to get involved with people. I am going to try to get helping the guy that bought my wood boiler and supplies to build a heating system for his shop and outbuildings. I also need to get involved in some way with parenting groups, or recreation groups. I don't want to get involved in 'recovery' as an end in itself, almost as a form of addiction in itself.
My son is very prone to anger. I was trying to get him to fill me in on what he was learning at school last night and he flipped out. He doesn't know the scholl work, he is behind because of going up North with his mother. He just feels frustration and reacts with anger, saying he has no homework. This is going to be tough. I will have to get in sync with what he is learning and work on him slowly. We talked and I explained to him that I know how frustrating it is, but he has to learn to deal with the frustration, and that as he learns the frustration level will go down. It will be a long journey to get him through his teenage years, one requiring much patience, understanding, and perserverence. Realistically, if he is to stay with me, I will have to aliign my whole life around helping him.
I like the rational recovery method. I don't really think it is as unique or revolutionary as the author makes it out to be, but the approach and methodology makes it a usefull tool to help deal with addictions. It also will take alot of effort to get going, but getting away from the addiction cycle will make me so much more effective a person in all my affairs that I have to put it at the top of my priorities.
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Post by timoteiy on Nov 12, 2007 22:47:42 GMT -5
I'm still commtted to beating the beast down. I'm working on rational recovery strategies. I am having some success without spending all my time here. I am committed to a life without porn and the masturbation it fuels.
I am fighting circling behaviour, unproductive sabatoge by the beast. I need to devote alot of time to learning the skills that will get me through the day without allways believing the addictive thoughts that come to trick me. Ultimtately I do not want to rely on others to help me keep sober, although I do see the need to 'network' and do alot of social things with other people.
The lawyer and the court thing is still looming over my head. I wish i could just devote time to getting things straightened out in my life, getting a better life for my son, and my daughter. Money problems, legal problems , addiction problems.... Nothing is stable, I don't know what the future holds, what it will end up like. I need to dive straight into stressfull situations and decisions to make life more stable. I am enjoying abit of a lull in the legal thing, child custody, deviding assets etc., but I have to dig in to that again or I will lose. alot of effort is necessary to help my kids, I have to keep fighting .
The amazing thing about the addictive voice recognition is that I only have to acknowledge that the addicitive voice is attempting to talk me into a slip, as the voice of the selfish beast. Then I acknowledge that I am in control, show the beast that "I" have control over "it" There is alot of disclipling and practice involved in learnign this technique, alot of effort. I need to put alot of time into it. I do think it makes sence as a
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Post by LookingUp on Nov 13, 2007 10:16:03 GMT -5
Sounds like you're balancing a lot of major things in your life very well... congratulations. Glad you're able to recognize the addictive voice and shut it down. Sounds like lots of progress.
LookingUp
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Post by unico on Nov 13, 2007 11:22:03 GMT -5
Good to see you journaling and finding the Addictive Voice useful. Drop by in the Circle sometime
take care
Unico
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Post by rockwell on Nov 13, 2007 12:52:17 GMT -5
Tim,
Keep beating down the AV Beast! He weakens over time if not fed.
rock
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Post by ≈ cease4peace ≈ on Nov 19, 2007 23:02:41 GMT -5
Hey Tim, hoping everything is go well for you, c4p
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Post by arctic on Nov 20, 2007 3:32:58 GMT -5
Tim,
I also hope that you're doing fine and I wait for your return to regular posting here.
All the best and let's hook up soon.
Your friend, Arctic
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Post by rockwell on Nov 20, 2007 12:03:29 GMT -5
Tim,
Checking in with you to see if you are alright. Your circle friends are here for you everyday.
Your friend,
rockwell
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Post by LookingUp on Nov 20, 2007 13:18:49 GMT -5
Hi Tim, How's things going out West? I've had you and yours in my thoughts and prayers as you go through this difficult time.
LookingUp
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Post by timoteiy on Dec 7, 2007 13:56:04 GMT -5
I'm back
I have been totally taken over by my addictive voice.
I started to get the notion that I was So Condemned by my addiction. I stopped sharing and stopped "recovery" and the weeks rolled on with on and off slips. I have been so busy with my son, my work, my trying to straighten my life out in other areas ( especially financial_), my addictive voice had somehow convinced me that I didn't have time for this. I have gradually gotten worse. My committment to sobriety has been lost. I didn't see the point of it. I lost the will.
I viewed some porn, looked at a few magasines, masturbated a few times a week. At first it seemed "under control"- I wasn't even recognising the harm it was doing- I mean after all, I was making progress in my life. I am close to making a deal with my ex- wife and have come up with solutions to getting myself stable financially, with dealing with fathering, etc.
I have lost the discipline, the drive, the motivation for sobriety. I have also isolated alot, although my mother and brother are staying here, and I have my son, I work so much and convinced myself that I had no time to reach out to others on a personal level.
Its going to take some time to get back into this.
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Post by rockwell on Dec 7, 2007 15:19:30 GMT -5
Tim,
I am glad you posted. We all have been wondering at the Secular Circle what happened to you and if you were ok. So I am glad you are ok and have your son and hopefully working out a deal with your ex and getting financially on track again.
I am sorry to hear about your relapse. While you were away, I too relapsed. I was on a 2 day bindge. The after effects were awful and I am still pulling myself out of the pit slowly. It was not worth it after a successful 9 months of sobriety.
So I am on day 10 of sobriety. We have had several falls in the Secular Circle, if you read the board you will see what happened to each of us. I think only three have not had a fall.
But the group is on the upswing now and it appears everyone is committed to sobriety. We are now going to do a group count and try to have the entire group make it 7 days with no slips or relapses. Then we will increase the goal. Are you in?
You are not alone in this that is for sure as we all have experienced our downfalls. I certainly can relate to what you are going through as far as the addict in you goes. So there is no judgement here on my part. But as you said, your life seems to be heading in a better direction in other areas.....so now is the time to get your addict under control and renounce the porn and start healing and recovery once again.
All the more reason now too. You have your son back and you need to model your life before him. You do not want him to end up as an addict or to accidentally find P on the computer. So please make a decision to come back to the board and committ to yourself and the circle. It will be hard the first week...at least it was in my experience, but as you get through each day it gets a bit better.
Please PM me anytime for support. I certainly believe you can do this as you had a great success stretch going for you despite all the circumstances going on in your life.
Please make the committment! Glad you are alive.
rockwel
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Post by ≈ cease4peace ≈ on Dec 7, 2007 15:40:22 GMT -5
Hey Tim it's great to see you posting again! I'm glad things are working out for you in life, that through all the turmoil you're getting through. Try to remember why you wanted to quit in the first place, what were the main reasons? would they be different now?
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