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Post by unico on Oct 7, 2007 17:21:52 GMT -5
keep strong timoteiy, it's sounds like you are exerting more control over your life right now. i wish you the very best in getting an equitable agreement re the house.
take care Unico
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Post by timoteiy on Oct 7, 2007 18:40:43 GMT -5
Thank-you Unico and Artic, I do appreciate your support.
Believe me, at a time like this, i am thinking and thinking and thinking: what will she do next? I am worried about threats of violence ( so is my family) I wonder if I have covered all my bases. I worry sick about how the children are doing. wheter they will be used as pawns. I am so dumbfounded, and awstruck that this is actually happening.
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Post by timoteiy on Oct 9, 2007 0:17:54 GMT -5
Found more bills that my wife had run up in my name
I found out her plans to ship the house contents to boyfriend's up north.
I even got to see some of the real estate she was looking at up there.
(I bet if she gets a house in her name she'll get him to sign a pre-nuptual agreement!, She is looking at more really fancy houses up there. No wonder she felt she needed to take all the house eauity and all the valuables!)
Got a hidden storage rented and moved alot of valuable in there in case she comes to take them whn I'm not home (she has to be forced to negotiate-- I'm not taking them away, just keeping them safe) I moved all the expensive antique furniture, some appliances, my tools, jewelry, pictures etc and alot of my stuff. filled an 8foot by 8foot by 20 foot steel container. Now at least if she takes things she can't clean me out.
There was an accident at work (not me) and I won't be going in the middle of the night tonight and probably will get tommorow off. I amd going to move more valuables and try to get a place to hide my 2 trucks etc.
My mother is here and is very freaked out that my wife will come in in a rage and get violent. I think I will change the locks, move some more stuff, deal with some legal issues ( the credit company may be going after my wife for fraud, she is keeping the kids from visiting me and I am still liable for her increasing spending, I need a legal seperation and I need to get her to deal with me on the house.)
It is strange, but today, in the middle of all this upheaval, I realized that I wasn't struggling with my sex addictions, either the obsessive thinking part or compulsive circling or acting out. I needed to stand up for myself along time ago....
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Post by timoteiy on Oct 9, 2007 19:41:36 GMT -5
Got the washing machine and dryer ($2800) returned. The furniture/appliance store owner was afraid of being charged in a fraud charge by the financial company. Cancelled her phone. Found out real estate information, talked to bank, to social worker about missing children, about visitation rights Talked to lawyer, Family Justice counsellor about getting a legal order for a family assessment. My wife's father phoned me. He wants to talk some sense into her and get her to make a deal, he says he'll try to get her to allow the kids to talk to me.
100% sober, no fantasy, no masturbation. Fighting the good fight.
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Post by ≈ cease4peace ≈ on Oct 10, 2007 8:00:14 GMT -5
Hey tim, just dropping by to show thanks for viewing my journal. Also, I really am glad you're still sober, good job! Despite all the stress aroudn you, uyou're doing a great job. I am praying for your wife, for her to get out of this "rage cloud" she seems to be in.
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Post by LookingUp on Oct 10, 2007 12:52:51 GMT -5
Glad your sobriety is smooth sailing right now. Glad you're being proactive concerning the demise of your marriage and protecting your assets. Praying you get contact with the kids FAST.
LookingUp
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Post by amaninfull on Oct 10, 2007 16:49:06 GMT -5
Wow. You are going through some very heavy weather, Tim. And you are totally taking the bull by the horns.
I think you have woken up. I think you are seeing clearly. I think your eyes are unclouded by porn or by shame, and you are taking the steps you need to take to ensure a decent life for yourself and your children. I'm in complete support.
I think you have quite clearly laid out the two options, and they seem exactly right to me. I support you in sticking to your guns and not budging an inch: those are the two options, period. You have expressed that you are willing to fight until the bitter end if she chooses that route. My ex-wife *always* counted on the idea that if she got crazy enough, I would back down eventually. Until I stopped backing down. She got really crazy then - but she couldn't take anything away from me any more, not my money, and not my dignity. Look inside and make sure that you're willing to fight to the bitter end. If there's a shred of doubt, she will end up taking more from you than you can give. Your dignity is worth fighting for, and your children are worth fighting for.
By the time the new year rolls around, all the big questions will be settled, and you will be on the way to making a new life for yourself. Stay tough for another 75 days. You can do it.
AMIF
ps - get out of all joint credit cards, lines of credit, and bank accounts ASAP (but you knew that)
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Post by arctic on Oct 10, 2007 17:39:57 GMT -5
Hi Tim,
You're doing some incredible work on your life mate. I really admire you for it! The speed at which you've risen from the ashes has been unbelievable, and truly inspirational. I salute you.
Your friend, Arctic
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Post by rockwell on Oct 10, 2007 19:30:59 GMT -5
Tim,
With all the stress you have been under, it is amazing how well you are doing with your recovery and it is a testiment to your will power and desire for wholeness. Stress is a big trigger for most of us here. You are handling it and not acting out. Great for you. Are you using Arctic's AV methodology? I am trying it out myself. I think it is a good plan. I will keep in touch and read your journal frequently. Take care. See you in the secular circle.
rock
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Post by timoteiy on Oct 11, 2007 14:39:23 GMT -5
WOW
I just checked in to say Hi. Thanks for the support!
I'm really stressed out now but Iam going full guns with all the legal stuff. I have help from my dear old mother and my brother. They drive me crazy, but they drive me too.
Amaninfull-Right on.. I am so much less clouded by shame and porn now.
It helps me to fight the good fight.
YES when you described how your ex ---expecting that she could just act crasy enough and I would just back down, that describes my wife to a "T". She intimidated me for years with my own shame! I think she was lulled to sleep because of the 2 months that I sculked around town, sent home all my money and let her build up more debts, spreading bad stuff about me.
There is alot of ifs here though. I am dealing with alot of incertainty. Even if something blows up in my face in this legal battle I vow to keep the fight up. Other wise I will be stuck where I am indefinitely, and that sucks!
Ceasefor peace thanks I hope everything is going well with you and with your girlfreind. I have so little time to keep up with what's going on here.
Looking-up: Kids are missing in action. I think I know where they are. Social Worker is tracking them down, and school.
Artic. Everybody has to get in the ashes every once in a while. Other wise, how would you rise from them?
ROCKWELL--- the only thing at this point about A.V. technology, or methodology is what I here from Artic, and its only because I admire the guy greatly that I tout the A.V. thing. I ordered the book at the Library, and I'm hoping to use it too-- I need something that keeps me working on keeping the lust monster at bay on a moment to moment basis.
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Post by timoteiy on Oct 15, 2007 20:03:06 GMT -5
The Search for my children is on its 10th day now. I have contacted social workers, family justice mediators, talked to my ex-wife's family, to her friends, etc. she has come and got the van and the only person who knows of her whereabouts is a friend from the women's shelter where she works whose renowned anomosity towards men assures her loyalty to my wife and her willingness to project hatred on me instead of helping in the situation. I hope to have a court order in place by next week.
I have ( through the abovementioned women ) offered to look after the kids with the help of my mother, or to get them their clothes and stuff, and no-one has replied. My mother has called this woman. The only one to get ahold of my ex-wife is the family justice mediator, through her mother. He said that she says the kids are okay and she plans to get ahold of me in a few days. But why not send for the kids stuff, clothes? i believe she is acting out of rage and is using the kids against me. Certainly, if the kids are okay, why not let them talk to me? Are they being told that Dad is against them, won't let them have their stuff? Is she afraid that the kids will tell me about what their mother is doing? Why is she hiding? I found out her boyfriend's e-mail address (a dropped business card in the house) and e-mailed to him pleading that someone be sensible.
I am also dealing with a credit agency to try to get a handle on all the debts. It doesn't look good.
I slipped 2 days ago with masturbation, but still no porn. There was some soft-core porn on one of the T.V.'s at the "bunkhouse" in the alpine town we stay at at work. I stayed away. The temptation is strong. I don't feel the need to beat myself up about the masturbation, although I do consider it a slipp, and I feel the effects of my lust monster after a feeding.
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Post by amaninfull on Oct 16, 2007 15:18:31 GMT -5
Tim,
You are doing really beautifully. I'm sure it's incredibly challenging. Stay with it. Try and get enough rest.
I didn't realize your wife had taken your kids and is keeping them from you. I don't know about Canada, but that is *highly* illegal here - it's called kidnapping. She will have to prove somehow that you are a threat to them in order to deny you custody or visitation rights. I imagine your hunch about why she did this is correct, but what's really important is that she has hidden your kids from you. I would certainly ask your attorney about this right away.
I wouldn't worry too much about her hiding from you. I imagine she will contact you if there are any property issues she wants to settle; if not, that would seem to be OK, at least for the time being.
I really hope that you have an attorney. There are so many legal issues involved that it is a good idea to have someone on your side who knows the ins and outs of the law.
Keep it up, brother.
AMIF
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Post by LookingUp on Oct 17, 2007 17:06:32 GMT -5
I said a prayer for you. I said a big prayer for your children - that they remember the truth of their relationship with their Dad (who swings from trees with them) and if she's trying to brainwash them that it won't stick.
Some courts will let a parent have the children if the other parent is doing PAS stuff (Parent alienation syndrom) because that is emotional abuse. It might be worth asking your lawyer if that's possible to get a favorable primary custody ruling in your province because of it.
I agree with AMIF - you're doing beautiful. Looking forward to an update... and pray you have good news concerning your children.
LookingUp
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Post by unico on Oct 17, 2007 21:17:01 GMT -5
Like others hoping the issue with your children gets sorted soonest.
take care my friend
Unico
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Post by timoteiy on Oct 21, 2007 19:20:59 GMT -5
Thanks guys.
Clean of porn and masturbation another day. I was faced with a near start to a slip at the Field Bunkhouse where I selpt last night. I awoke several times with the lust demon attempting takever. The thing that helped me at that point was mostly the anti-sexual effects of the anti-depressants I took.
Amaninfull- I am worried sick about my kids. I have an attorney but have to do alot myself because of the expense involved. Looking-up- I am looking into Parental Alienation. Right now I am going through family court for access to my children. Unico thanks for your support.
This week the results of putting in a court order for visitaion of my children I will be faced with my sex addiction in court, in front of family, friends and enemies, as a means for my ex-wife to deny acces and keep sole custody of the kids.
I have phoned and e-mailed every source of contact I know that would be in touch with my estranged wife and children. Her mother, her father, the friends in town that support her (and hate me), her boyfriend (e-mail and phone- which took some detective work), and my son's friends. I got no help from a social worker, and very little help from a family justice worker. After repeated e-mailings, my ex's mother responded by lambasting me with threats of how I was going to be dragged through the coals in court and my shamefull porn and masturbation exposed, then "left alone, without access, to play my one handed sport"
Her father hasn't been in touch with her for weeks. He said when they went there for dinner and my wife said grace, my daughter added, " and thank God my mom's boyfriend doesn't live in (my town). It seems a daughter whom I got along with well, has rejected me. A friend of my son's told another friend, and the news got to me that he was phoned by my son crying about how he was fighting with his mother and they didn't get along. When I inquired with the kid and his parents, they said they had heard nothing.
I kept calling her contact friend, who was unco-operative and hostile to me until I got some clothes and things transfered to them and the courtesy car exchanged for our Van, to avoid her getting charged for theft. She wouldn't tell me anything, or denied she knew anything. She sees me as a pervert, a potential abuser. She works at the women's shelteer where my wife was also working, and in her spare time has helped many woman divorce their husbands. She also set my wife up with her cousin, who lives 1,100 kilometers drive away from here! (Up near the Alaskan panhandle, to give reference)That's where she planned to take all the spoils and build a home. she had demanded EVERYTHING. Not a word of lie!
I have had the reputation as being a extremely hard worker, and have earned my own way from the age of 16, owned a house and business when we met, never spent crazily. By shaming me she was able to take control of finances and break me. Man am I awakening to a massive hangover of what has gone on.
I found out my wife had charged up thousands more in debt to my name (about 3400 or more in a matter of 3 weeks at 28.5% interest) and that she planned to load up a huge container with the household goods and leave me with insurmountable debt, with her name still on the house to collect that later.
Living in a bloody tent with not enough money for food to keep servicing the debts while she did that was too much to bear.
I moved into the house, my mother and brother came up from the coast, I moved valuables into locked storage, and I phoned her and told her that the kids can come and stay with me while she decides what to do with her life, but enough was enough.
I told her that my mother was up here to look after the kids and the kids could stay with me, but she was not going to break me!
She was pretty shocked. All she could reply was," but you're unstable"
I have lived thorugh years and years of her shaming, controlling and rage. Now I temper my righteousness with an understanding of the effects that my addiction has had on her, but the control she exhibited over my life is passed on through her family background that not even the most skilled S.O. posting here could convince me that it is all my doing.
How did this happen?
Our relationship was crumbling and we were living with a ripped apart house, with me in a stressfull training program coming home to do plumbing, electrical, carpentry, tiling , renovating, with ever increasing debts. I was fighting a losing battle on my own with the lust demon, from time to time getting in little binges of porn and masturbation.
My wife came home and caught me with porn on the computer, playing with myself. She flew into a rage, throwing whatever she could get her hands on at me while I got my shoes on, finally whipping me in the head with a metal nozzle end and a garden house while I ran out in the rain. That was it, and I had been living homeless since.
She had been playing games with me, wracking up debts, not letting me visit the children. I think I did my time. she said she wanted me dead.
I know damn well there's many 'significant others' here on this board that would applaud my wife's 'assertiveness'.
Listen. I've done my time. I've paid the price. Any more and you might as well shoot me.
Years of being verballly assaulted, and NOT JUST BECAUSE OF THE SEX ADDICTION! What kept me there? SHAME LOW SELF ESTEEM, alot caused by this wreched addiction.The same thing that kept her there.
She had control over every aspect of my life, my children, my relationships with other people, the money. AS she took control over A.A., church, friends, even openly calling me down in front of them, I lost interest. I became the blame for everything that went wrong. a month and a half afteer I left, I was blamed for the dryer quitting, requiring her to charge another 3,000 set to me!
Getting control over this addiction I had to stay away from the perverse habit I have gotten into, to keep trying to please shame-based people. These are people that will allways use shame as a method of control, and I will never be allright in their eyes. It kept me in the disease.
Now I have been served a court order. Finally my estranged and angry wife is demanding I go 1100 kilometers, in 10 days from now, to a court to allow her full custody of the children, demanding that I only get to visit them when she says, and in that town. Also demanding financial support while she lives under her new boyfreinds roof, with my kids.My kids are now estranged from me.
Tonight I feel a bit suicidal. But I want to fight, I feel blood pumping, and the fight keeps me alive.
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