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Post by rockwell on Oct 29, 2007 13:26:18 GMT -5
Tim,
I am praying and hoping for you. I pray that the peace of the LORD be always with you.
A verse that comes to my mind is "God is our refuge and our strength. An ever-present help in times of troulble. Therefore I will NOT BE AFRAID."
rock
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Post by amaninfull on Oct 29, 2007 20:34:27 GMT -5
Tim,
Sorry I've been away. I just had a son.
It sounds like you've continued to fight, and it sounds like you are doing all the right things.
The baby just woke up so I need to make this quick.
In the US, removing a child to another state without the other parent's permission is, I'm pretty sure, considered kidnapping. Explicitly disallowing contact, hiding, etc. - that's kidnapping.
Sorry, man, I've got to go - hopefully I'll be able to check in again before long.
YOU GO, MY FRIEND! Fight for your kids.
love, AMIF
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Post by amaninfull on Oct 30, 2007 13:08:28 GMT -5
Tim,
Responding to another thing you posted in the SC: I'm not sure I see the logic in your idea that if your wife returns with the kids, you must cede the house to her. Taking possession of the house was a dramatically positive move for you on all fronts, material as well as psychological. The children are, in every sense, a separate issue from the house. Your best case is to end up with both, so I would consider putting my energy towards this outcome rather than preparing for a less-desirable contingency.
It is really quite a miraculous awakening I have been privileged to witness over the course of your journal. In the beginning you had, in your shame, let go of everything that was important to you. And it's as if your eyes have become clearer; you can now see the entire arc of things more clearly, as if you've become sober (which, in fact, you have). The truth, hard as it may be to face, is this: you're a good man who deserves to live a full and satisfying life. And yes, you used to be addicted to porn. You may also have done more than your share of smoking, or drinking, or videogame playing. That doesn't change the fact that you're a good man who deserves to live a full and satisfying life.
Wishing you the strength to keep fighting for it.
AMIF
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Post by rockwell on Nov 2, 2007 13:46:29 GMT -5
Wondering what is going on up North. Write if you can.
rock
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Post by timoteiy on Nov 2, 2007 14:54:39 GMT -5
I have little time on the internet here.
I have been totally absorbed in this legal process and trying to get my kids some help in this community, which I know no-one in except the lawyer appointed me and my ex-wifeand adversaries.
I had to be willing to give up residence of the family home because, as the lawyer told me, my ex would be considered the primary caregiver,and they would not force her to move down home if I didn't give her the house. Bu she refused anyways.
My children want to come home . My sone has said over and over that he wants to live with me. My estranged wife's lawyer pulled a fast one in the court case. After losing a total of 10 days work, and spending thousands of dollars on travel, legal costs., the court date arrived Thursday. He said he didn't have time because he had another court date in half an hour from this one. We met later, my ex said she insisted that the kids would stay with her and kept all her original demands. It was shaping up that she would lose temporary custody of the children but then, he shortened the court hearing by saying he had to go back to his original case in another court. The only thing that came of it was that they agreed to move the court to a town near mine (town that my lawyer lives in and there are more family court services. She only has to appear by video (doesn't have to leave her town!)
My son wanted to testify that he wanted to go with me. He spoke to his school cousellor and told her this. My ex found out, and pulled both kids out of school and has kept them from phoning me until I leave (tommorow) My son defied her orders and phoned me; we talked until she took the phone away from him. I am terrified for my children now.
The ex's affadavit is full of many incidences of my sex addiction as proof that I am an "unhealthy influence " on the children. I have said nothing yet about her physical and verbal abuse of the children. This was on the advise of the lawyer to avoid "mudslinging" Is my addiction a worse influence than the hostile, threatening and frightening of the children? We will see what the court says
I am unbelievably sad now. I can hardly believe this is happening. The court date beibng put ahead allows her to make sure the kids are established in this community, and come up with all kinds of statements on how the kids are doing better here- against their will.
I can't give up on my kids. It will cost me thouseands more. I need sobriety and clarity. I need to change my whole life around- get out of isolation and get a better life.
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Post by amaninfull on Nov 2, 2007 16:35:51 GMT -5
Tim,
You are fighting for the right thing. Take heart. Don't give up. Fight, for all the times you rolled over. Fight, for all the times you stepped aside and let her do what she wanted with your money, your kids, your time. Stand and fight. Dig in. You ARE changing your whole life. This is you, doing it.
Be prepared. Have your own affidavit, very neutral and businesslike, documenting every violent incident you can recall. Have affidavits from counselors and others attesting to your full-bore dedication to addressing your former porn addiction. Affidavits attesting to your dedication to your children. Document her hiding the children from you, moving them, pulling them out of school, instructing them not to call, etc. Document her telling your mutual acquaintances about your porn addiction and how it has affected your standing in your community. Have all your ducks in a row and be emotionally neutral: let her burn down her own case by being vindictive toward you in front of the judge.
Hang in there. You can do it. This is how you turn your life around: you fight for the things that matter to you.
You can do it.
AMIF
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Post by LookingUp on Nov 3, 2007 17:57:16 GMT -5
I totally agree with documenting everything.... especially in a clinical, concerned tone with no drama. I agree with AMIF - you're turning your life around - keep standing tall and strong even in the face of this storm.
I'm praying for you and yours.
LookingUp
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Post by timoteiy on Nov 4, 2007 12:35:11 GMT -5
Yeah AMIF! You are so right. I have tried to reason. I played the nice guy who ended up living in a tent, going to work hungry.
I feel so sorry for her that I end up giving in, and it only incites her aggression and rage.
I am back in my home town.
My ex held the kids out of school and wouldn't answer the phone on the last day that I was in that town.
I had left a few messages on their answering machine, I had tried to talk to my son's school counsellor, to the social worker.
I was sad, depressed . I had spent all this time and money to have her lawyer pull a trick on me, postponing the trial.
I was kept from my children on the last day I had there.
Then the phone rang. It was my son. He had argued with his mother and got on the phone to me.
After a short conversation I told him that I wanted to talk to his mother, and then to get back on the phone with me. I wanted to tell her that she could not terrorise the children. I wanted to find a way to protect them. After a short argument the phone was hung up.
I phoned back, no answer.
Again I fell back to feeling helpless and defeated.
2 or 3 hours later I was back at my hotel room, thinking of knocking myself out with a bottle of wine or something, when my cell phone rang again. It was my son, who had got in a fight with my mom when she was going to hang up, saying that he was allowed to talk to me. THey had fought, and my ex's boyfriend had broken up the fight. My son ran out of the house. My ex's mother was there and they were going out. They told my son that he could go to his dad, and left him in the middle of nowhere.
He had walked for hours back to town. I'm not sure how far, because I wasn't told where they live, but I know it is somewhere between 12-20 kilometers. He phoned me from a gas station on the highway. We stayed at the hotel, and my lawyer spoke with her lawyer, who eventually spoke with her. They agreed that my son could stay with me that night and if he still wanted to go with me in the morning, they would let him go.
I phoned her in the morning. She had changed her mind and argued with me, called me down. My son told her that he still wanted to go with me, on the phone. She showed up at the little airport, with the big stuffed grizzly bear in the lobby. Crying now. My son told her in person. He got on the plane with me. He's here now, in my town, with me. He's playing with his friend next door as I write here.
I have a vision, a "big picture" as it were, of being the best father I can be, clean of this addiction. I am going to tell him about how I need to get help for this addiction. I am going to have to fight to have a relationship with my daughter. She is younger, more afraid of abandonment by her mother, and more likely to go along with her.
I fear that my son is feeling that he has to look after me. After all, I was pretty pathetic looking living homeless and broke, going to work and only able to take them out on walks without a home to go to. I know he needs a father, some direction, to grow up strong, independant and able to find good love on his own.
It is going to be difficult. If I can keep clean of this sex addiction and not end up resorting to some alternative addiction, I will stand a chance.
I still only see the next step, the next problem, to be thrown my way. I know that my son need to live free of fear, full of love. So does my daughter. She needs to know that she is very much loved by her father, and that I will do what it takes to help her too.
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Post by amaninfull on Nov 4, 2007 19:28:14 GMT -5
Dude, you just brought tears to my eyes! No fair!
Reading that post made my day. Good things can happen, and they can happen to you. Your son is no fool, he has two eyes and two ears and sound judgment. The same is true of anyone who gets a chance to have an unbiased view of the situation. This includes judges, social workers, teachers, etc. You just keep tuned in to who you really are and don't let yourself get knocked off center, and you'll keep getting personal victories in small ways and big.
This was big.
AMIF
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Post by timoteiy on Nov 5, 2007 12:39:33 GMT -5
Thanks AMIF, you truly are a big help to me. I do see a huge victory in that my son wants to be with me. I have to learn to accept that my wife will be hostile no matter what the outcome is and will continue to fight and fight. I have to learn to live with uncertainty
I took my son to school, enrolled him, talked to principal, counsellor this morning. They are working on getting him help from counsellor, setting me up to help him get caught up with homework. I need to go and get some money a guy owes me to survive, get back to work, get some laundrey done and get some things moved in the house.
My ex has given my son the cold shoulder for what he has done. She is hurt by his decision and she acts cold to him on the phone.
My nerves are on edge now. The only thing that helps is to keep moving, seeking help. The addicitve thinking is struggling to take advantage of my insecurity. I will never act out with porn and masturbation again. I am trying to follow the Rational Recovery method by making these statements TO MYSELF. The addictive voice wants me to stay stuck in a feeling of helplessness. Because my ex is going to fight for control over my son, and try to re-inforce my addictive voice with shame by using it against me with court and with gossip, I need to get going, moving.
I am going to get organised somewhat today. I must keep a list and use it to move forward.
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Post by rockwell on Nov 5, 2007 13:30:22 GMT -5
You are in my thoughts and prayers, timoteiy. I pray for peace
rock
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Post by unico on Nov 6, 2007 21:00:45 GMT -5
Thinking of you Tim. Remember you are coping well at an extremely tense time. It has to get calmer at some point. Just keep being firm but polite with your ex in all your dealings with her.
take care
Unico
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Post by rockwell on Nov 7, 2007 9:17:17 GMT -5
Yes, TIm, try to keep it "business like" with your ex. Get right to the point, no emotions involved. When you must speak with her, keep to the facts only. I only know this because I had a family member go through a divorce and I learned how ex spouces best deal with each other especially if one is confrontational and vindictive.
Things will work out the right way. Step by step.
rock
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Post by timoteiy on Nov 7, 2007 14:54:11 GMT -5
Thanks guys.
I slipped. I screwed up big time. I slipped and my beast is full of lust.
I was tired last night. I got off the train after working all night, after not slipping at the bunkhouse, after starting to read the Rational recoverry book.
I left the book in my pack at work but I have to get on the program as best as I know.
I was so tired when I got back. My AV convinced me that a smoke and a sexual fantasy would be in order before hiking home. After that while I walked the addictive voice started to tell me different search terms that I could Google at home, related to sex. I entertained the thought for the 2 kilometer walk home, at 4 A.M. , tired, and when I got home I was convinced. I looked for a half an hour, when to bed, started to masturbate, stopped, slept, had sexual dreams inondate my sleep.
At 7 in the morning my son got up and got ready. I talked to him briefly, then went back to bed.
I awoke shortly after, alone, the lust was boiling. My addictive voice was once again looking for ways to get me to feed lust. More searching, looking at porn, more starting and stopping masturbation.I didn't complete the act of masturbation. 3 hours waisted until I put an end to the binge.
the addictive voice got me with the fact that I was so tired. Now that the lust is settling down, the addicitve voice will try confusion, shame, repetitive, and unproductive behaviour at me. I will counter with keeping to a list of things I have to do today, which will be shortened by the waisted time.
Being tired from the long hours I have at work is a huge trigger. I have to come up with a way to deal with this in advance. It is much like the last slip I had where I drank abit to settle my nerves, and the loss of inhibition led to a slip.
I started in on this slip with a sly little tactic that my addictive voice tried on me. It started to feed little messages to me about, 'what is healthy sexuality anyways?' What are you going to do when faced with a real woman, are you going to date one day?' If you don't do something to feed your sex drive, you will be lonely" " Women like sex, sex is =normal and healthy." "How ARE you going to deal with your sexuality anyways? Are you just going to repress it?" It kept at me with ," no decent woman will have a relationship with someone that comes out, in the interest of being honest, to tell her that you are trying to recover from sexual compulsiveness or addiction to porn and masturbation. Look at how you wife reacted- rage, trying to kill you, going after everything you worked for, gathering alies to squash you like a bug." "Look at the hopelessnes of the 'significant others' on NOPORN."
It was good to do that. I am committed to getting porn out of my life, I am committed to a healthy sexuality, but the addictive voice does not have that in its interest. When I'm ready for healthy sexuality I'll know.It only works to feed the distorted needs of my beast.
I am not a bad person. I am not a freak. I am not sick. I don't need to hide.
Now, on with my squedule. the addictive voice wants me to wallow in shame, to waist more time. Bull(expletive) on that.
I've got a son to look after, business to attend to.
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Post by amaninfull on Nov 7, 2007 15:15:52 GMT -5
Amen, brother. Bull(expletive) on shame and acting out, which are just two sides of the same coin. You've got a life to live.
You are continuing to arm yourself with more information about how and when the AV does its work. When you've been drinking. When you're exhausted. Maybe you can do something really dumb and obvious like: before you start an extra-long shift, put a post-it note on your monitor that says something like, "Am I tired? If yes, then I need to go to bed, not get on the computer."
Keep up the fight. I'm there with you.
AMIF
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