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Post by kyle on Jul 9, 2007 8:31:46 GMT -5
Well here it goes.
I am a 43 year old man with a very loving wife and 4 children. We have been married 22 years this august and I have allowed my addiction to destroy my wifes trust in me. I think the hardest thing I have ever had to do is admit that this is as big a problem as it is.
I don't even remember where it all began or if there was any real reason to start. I just know that as of now, Pornography has become addicting to me and I want it to stop. This last episode happened because I laps back to looking on the Internet and joins a site where you could actually talk to other people via emails within the site itself. Seemed harmless enough to me. Then it happened and I couldn't seem to stop. I started Emailing people and even got some responses. I knew I would never actually meet anyone but I still sent the emails. I did a pretty good job of covering my tracks but not good enough and my wife found one and that was the beginning of the end. This was last Wed or Thursday I believe, and every day since then has been a living nightmare for me.
I am sure many of you have been in this place already but for me, it is the worst thing I have ever felt. To know that I have crushed my wifes trust and respect for me is the worst thing that could have happened. I have made her physically ill and she is repulsed at the site of me. That has cut me so deep that I have become physically ill myself. I know I have hurt her worse than I could ever hurt anyone and that has killed me inside. I am not a man to cry at much of anything, but I have not been able to stop very much at all over these past few days. Seems like every time I think of the damage I have causes i begin to bawl like a newborn baby. I think that if my wife is hurting half of what I am, and I know she is hurting way more than me, I feel I have to break this addiction before it totally ruins my life forever.
My wife is the biggest victim and has believed my sob stories for way to long. I have finally hit bottom with this last episode, when she was ready to throw my butt out. I do love her and will do what is necessary to rebuild the trust she once had in me and to save our marriage. She has always believed in me and I have destroyed that belief.
I will be fighting for my life now and with God's Forgiveness and his love, I know that I can break this addiction permanently. I have only been sober now for 3 days but I guess you have to start somewhere. I will be heading to a professional counselor no later than Wed but sooner if I can find an opening. I have also started the "Setting Captives Free" on line addiction course to use all available resources to break free. With God, all of you, and my Wife as my witnesses, I will beat this addiction and regain my wifes trust and respect, no matter what the cost.
Day 4 has now begun so let the fight continue.
Kyle
Kyle
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Post by kyle on Jul 9, 2007 17:05:20 GMT -5
Well we are almost through day 4 and I have done well. My wife and I are going to see a counselor today so things can really start moving in the right direction.
I have completed Day 2 of the "Setting Captives free" online course and In just 2 days things seem to have taken a huge turn. I am flat out turnng this issue over to God and allowing him to work through me to break free of my Addiction. I have never really done this before, Letting go like this, But when you hit the low point I have found you come to the realization real fast that your own way has not worked. Unfortunately, I foud out to late and it has caused additional problems within my family.
Guys, If my short story gives you nothing else, please understand this' My belief tells me that the only treuly permenant way you are going to kick this is to completely and wholeheartedly, turn your eyes to God and let him do what he is really really good at. Let him fight the fight with Satan and yoiu just do what he tells you to. By doing that, you will win.
I have not even had an urge today which is not normal for me. I attribute this completely to God now working in my life.
Kyle
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Post by kyle on Jul 10, 2007 6:48:24 GMT -5
Well we went to counseling last night and I am very pleased with the result. I was able to get some things off my chest and open up alot more than I ever have been able too. I know God is working overtime on me but I am just thankful that he is. This was definitely a step in the right direction.
Kyle
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Post by kyle on Jul 11, 2007 23:34:45 GMT -5
Well today was very tough. I finally came completely clean about problem. I initially told you guys and my wife everything that I was willing to say at teh time because I knew of how much I had hurt her, And I also knew that she was absolutely ready to toss me out with the trash where I felt I belonged.
Well today we were talking again and through here prodding and questions, I finally admitted to the 1 final act where I had an actual affair. I thought for sure it would be over right then and there, But I also knew that if I was to have any chance at all to salvage my life and my marraige, that I had to get it out. I know this may sond strange, but even as disgusted as I am for ever allowing myself to hurt her that deeply, I am relieved that it is now out in the open so that I can truely break free of my addiction and heal the hurt I have caused.
Day 5 in the books
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Post by kyle on Jul 12, 2007 20:52:26 GMT -5
Today has gone well. I really don't have anything to add except that it is now day 6 with nothing. I am very glad I can continue on this path as I know that God is on my side. With him there, i can handle it with ease.
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Post by kyle on Jul 14, 2007 10:54:41 GMT -5
Well I missed a day to come here but no slips at all. Not even a thought. I am So glad that I finally was able to completely allow GOd to work his ways within me. I know that I will break free and continue to improve my relatioships that I had damaged. I know that, with God's help, I will win this fight and become the Man God has made me to be.
Thanks for all the support I get from folks here on a daily basis and I look for that everyday. I pray that God will work within me and to help me and all like me to break free of this sin.
Keep the faith my brothers and Sisters. We can win and God will mmake it happen if you trust in him.
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Post by kyle on Jul 17, 2007 13:24:25 GMT -5
Well yesterday was a down day, I woke up well enough but it didn't last long. I really dislike the person I became due to this addiction and am doing everything to break free from it. I Talked with God and have been following his guidance but today just didn't seem like that was enough.
It all started once I got to work. I know what I have done has destroyed my wife emotionally and, in some measure, physically, and I have accepted my responsibility for that. I really wish I could take it all back and make it go away but I know it is going to take time for her to heal. I am ok with that. What is hard is a couple of my co-workers are dealing with marital problems of there own and they wantto confide in me for some reason. I have talked with them in the past and they have vented so I guess that is the reason. well anyways, today they were talking and one of them popped up with " I wish my Husband were more like you" and that really hit me hard. I felt so sick to my stomach, and almost instantly felt like crap. IF they only knew what I had done they wouldn't be thinking this of me. Many of there opinions of me stem from when I have done things for my wife, I have ordered flowers and gifts from there to have them delivered to her work, I have planned activities that they all think are the most romantic things in the world. For them to say things like that now make me feel lower tha dirt. Well I called my wife and told her I really needed to talk, I was extremely depressed at that point, and I think she felt it in my tone. I told her it was nothing bad but I don't really think she beleived me.
Well later last night we talked some and Id seemed to help but then other questions and doubts popped up and It made it worse. we talked a bit more and then I asked her if she wanted me to leave the room for th eremainder of the night. She said yes. well there is a blow to me because I really felt we were making progress. I still think we are so I will just have to bite the bullet on this one and deal with my feelings.
I know in my heart that God is working and will work on this too, but at teh same time I think it is something that I am going to have to eventually forgive myself for. I can't ever forget it, but to truely heal, I am going to have to follow GOd's wisdom and forgive. This may take some time because until I have been able to regain my wifes trust and respect, I am not sure I will ever be able to forgive myself. One day at a time and one step at a time.
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Post by kyle on Jul 20, 2007 15:20:18 GMT -5
Things have begun to improve greatly. I think by turning my life over to God completely. I am able to focuse on my wife and her needs. We have been talking more openly and honestly than ever before and it is a great feeling to no longer be hiding things from her.
I continue to work through my "Setting Captives Free' course and it has helped me maintain my focus. I feel between this course and these boards, I am going to easily break free completely, once and for all, from this addiction.
I know that some of you reading this are sceptical about how I feel. You are saying to yourself, this has been seen before and he will soon come crashing down. Well I am here to tell you that will not happen. I have truely turned it all over to God and know that he will not fail me, even though I have failed him numerous times. I wish I could explain it but I can't. I just know.
My wife and I have grown so much closer over this last week. I so look forward to spending the time with her now. I know there are still many things that we will have to work through, and I also know that there are going to be down days in the future but I also know that God will be right there with me facing each one of those days both good and bad.
I remind myself of the old poem about footprints and I think right now there are probably only 1 set of prints in the sand. I think God is carrying me through right now, but he will eventually set me down and I will be walking along side of him again.
Well 2 weeks free from anything thought or action and I am loving it. Today was a great day.
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Post by kyle on Jul 23, 2007 12:40:23 GMT -5
Not much to say right now. Things have been going extemely well for me so far. My wife and I are continuing out talks, we are very open and honest with each other now so that has made a huge difference I think.
I have now been 17days free and will continue on that path because I know God is working in my life to completely remove this sin from my life. I now walk with him on a daily basis and look to him for guidence if there is any question at all.
I have my second meeting with my counselor tommorrow so I will probably have more to say then. Will be very interesting on how some of the questioneres I filled out come back. I am a bit nervous about it but at teh same time I really want to see the areas where I need to work so that I can get on it.
Keep the faith my Brothers, Through God all things are possible.
BTW, if anyone reading this journal would like to post a comment, feel free. Any advice or suggestions will be greatly appreciated by me.
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Post by kyle on Jul 24, 2007 21:48:33 GMT -5
Well today didn't go as well as I was hoping for. Went to the counselor and Had some Harsh things that my Physiological profile said about me. I really never realized that that was the way I was treating or acting towards others. It is a hard thing to see yourself in a different light then what you had perceived it to be for so long.
Looks like I have a lot of work to do now. I am not agreeing with all of it but looking back now I can see that about 90 to 95% of it was true in one respect or another. I really do not like the person I was and still am atm. I will be working hard to change and it will be a fight but I really think as long as I continue to look toward God for his guidance and wisdom, it will all work out in the end.
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Post by kyle on Jul 25, 2007 14:05:37 GMT -5
Well today has been slightly less disappointing. I have been beating myself up over what I heard last night and I know it was something that needed to be heard for me to improve. I still Hurt some but not near as much.
My wife, God bless her, is being very supportive in my recovery efforts and that means alot. I have put her through hell and that she still stands with me is a gift that she could never imagine how precious it is. We talk now alot, and are not hiding our feelings any longer.
I am sure things will get better but had to come here and say something to help me stay focused. When I get down I tend to become less vigilant and that is when Satan will attack, that much I do know. Keeping my mind focused is the way I will win this fight to break free of this addiction.
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Post by h3h8m3 on Jul 25, 2007 14:25:45 GMT -5
Kyle, I just wanted to drop a note for you. I'm so glad to hear that your recovery is progressing. And that you've made the SCF a part of it.
I believe that God can set you free from this sin, and you certainly can move past it forever. But don't forget that every moment presents you with a new opportunity to choose sin. Don't ever make that choice again.
Regarding the hard stuff you heard from the counselor, don't be too surprised by it. Previously you were living a selfish life. A life that was there to fulfill your own needs and desires. As you continue to turn more and more of your life over to God, and as you read the word and let him fill you up further the Fruit of the Spirit are goign to start growing in you.
Your anger will be replaced with love. Your depression with joy. Your sarcasm with gentleness. That's what the Spirit will do you in your life. Let him bless you.
Each morning I wake up and pray that the Lord will give me humility for the day. And as SCF has taught me, I offer my body, mind, heart and soul to our Father as a worship offering. It helps me at least start the day off right.
Saying a prayer for you.
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Post by sawyer on Jul 25, 2007 22:49:12 GMT -5
Kyle,
I am definitely clearing some more time for your journal tomorrow. I absorbed allot but want to delve into the details later. With that said ....
At some point in this journey, you started becoming the man and husband you COULD be. Disclosing EVERYTHING, facing the monster in the mirror, and starting to trust God are some GIGANTIC steps in a very short time.
Be PROUD of yourself, reflect on the good you are doing in recovery, mourn as you see fit as it is part of the process, but never forget how far you come.
I swear if I could give you one of those manly type of hugs and a pat on the back, then buy you a beer - I would.
And that monster you see in the mirror, the one the counselor showed and you are having a hard time looking back at. What you see will motivate you to continue, now that you have seen it - it is really hard to go back. Don't look away, keep facing it, and place it in God's hands.
Stay Honest, Focus on Today, Be humble, and keep strong.
Sawyer.
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Post by kyle on Jul 26, 2007 11:21:42 GMT -5
First I want to thank you guys for your encouraging words. It makes alot of difference to me that people genuinely care for others here and are willing to give of there own experiences to help, and to continue to encourage rather than discourage when things are not going as well as you would like.
Yesterday was a lot better than the day before, And I suspect that now that I have been able to see the person I was, as Sawyer pointed out, It will be that much easier to never go back to that again. As much as it hurt to hear, I am now glad that it was pointed out in the unbiased manner that it was. It is just very difficult to really look that deep into yourself on your own. I knew I had some issues but never thought they were so many. Looking back now, I am really glad they are all out and I can begin to lose thee bad traits one at a time till I can see an abundance of the good side of me and minimal problems.
The best thing about this whole situation is that My wife and I talked about it. She said after her initial glances she could tell it was really hurting me to hear it and that she didn't intend for that to happen. She knew that I would be hurting and she was trying to lighten it as much as possible, unfortunately I don't think anything could have lightened that issue. We have since discussed things to begin clearing out the old and working towards bringing in the new. This has turned into a good thing. Funny how God was right, He said there would be pain but that it would subside. As usual, God is right on the money.
Well I will check in again soon,
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Post by kyle on Jul 28, 2007 6:18:31 GMT -5
Well I am back and the last couple of days have gotten better still. It is really amazing at what happens when you finally face your sin of addiction and turn things over to God. Great things are still to come but so much good has come already that I am feeling better each day.
I know there will still be challenges and temptations but I will be able to overcome them now. I have a very supportive and Loving wife that has become my partner again. Although I am sure there will still be times of Anger and distrust, for now I am just glad that she has decided to stand by me and help me through this. We have come a long way in a short time and it is all due to God not giving up on me.
I have almost finished the book, "The War Within" by Robert Daniels and it has been a huge help in identifying many of my faults and showing me how to combat the sin that has almost destroyed me completely. I should be finishing it today and then I will be starting on "The Exemplary Husband" by Stuart Scott. This looks like it will be a good read and help as well.
Well as you can see I am in a really good mood today and am looking forward to all that God has to offer today so I will close this and check back later.
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