Kyle's Accounting

[kyle]

Today was a up and down day that ended on an up.

Today I had a face to face with my pastor and initially I was completely unsure of what I was going to say or even how I was going to say it. I prayed about it last night and still was unsure, I got up this morning feeling very uneasy and prayed again. Again, no real sense of what to do.

Well I met with the pastor and after we sat and chatted for a moment about odds and ends he then asks, "so, what is up?" At that point God took over and out it all came. Here I was in a Bob Evans restaurant and just spilling it all out on the table for anyone to hear. Funny thing is, I didn't really have nay anxiety from it because I knew God was there and with me.

Well After I finished we had some question ands answers back and forth and then it was done. I was a bit worried that he would be shocked at what I had done and he just took it all in in stride. He did say he didn't condone what had happened but that he would be there to support me and help me every step of the way to gain my freedom from this terrible addiction.

After the meeting everything seemed to fall into place again and I knew that God had done his work within me again. It is a truly wonderful feeling to know that God is working in my Life and in that of those he is sending to help me fight.

[kyle]

Well the last couple of days have been a little hard. I don't know what is causing it but I know it hurts all over. I have been feeling depressed and angry and hurt and disappointed and a ton of other emotions. I have not been one in the past to allow my emotions to take hold but since D-day I have found that I have had to start dealing with them up close and personal.

I know my Pastor supports my recovery, My wife says she does as well and I know God does too. I just can't seem to shake the gut wrenching felling for some reason. I am hoping that it is just that I am having to deal with emotions I never have before and that with my quiet time and support from all those close to me. I will get through.

I have put on a happy face for so long and told myself everything was OK when it wasn't for so long that I am not quite sure how I am supposed to react, it is all very new to me right now. I will continue to pray to god and ask my support group to keep me focused and I think things will be just fine.

[kyle]

Well it has been a while since I last came here and alot has happened.

I want to say thank you to God for allowing me this second shot at my life. I have screwed up alot along the way by trying to control everything. I don't make any excuses for what I have done and I have accepted all responsibility for it. I know now that I will be able to free myself from this addiction and that God is now fighting with me instead of me fighting against God.

This last week has been a long one. I have struggled with some things like my emotions and my self inflicted hurt. I have worked through them and will continue to do so but none the less I still struggle and just ask God for his help daily as I continue down the path he chooses.

I want to thank God for having my Wife stick with me through this very difficult time for her. She has endured more than any one should have to and I have put her in that position. I am thankful that she chose the way of helping me vs. the way of discarding me. She is a wonderful woman and stronger than I could ever have imagined. Her Love is endless and I know I am a very fortunate man that God has chosen her to be my wife. I love her very much and will never jeopardize that Love again.

Sunday was a very difficult day for me. I had to be taken to the Hospital and have an emergency Gall bladder removal. Again I struggled with thought that this was some form of punishment to me for what I had done. I continued to pray and I even confided in my wife this and she just reassured me that it was all going to work out. I am still struggling with my own thoughts on occasion but I have not struggled in the least with returning to my old ways. The last couple of days have been a bit painful but as each day passes, I get better so I am happy about that.

Well I will sign off now and remind myself that it is one day at a time and that with God's help, I will be free from this addiction once and for all.

[ethanm]

Good to hear you are still hanging in there!

[kyle]

Well today was a pretty good day. Things have begun to again resemble a normal life and My Walk with God has never been better.

It was going well till my wife ask me how things were going for me last night. I said I was fine and that I had not done anything wrong. Then she ask again. I was a bit confused and then she said she was asking because she found an email that was sent to me from a website saying I could find contacts in my area. She thought I had started going back to the sites again. The good part is I have not. Well, I did some research and found that I had gone to this greeting cards place and sent her a very loving Card and now my email is swamped with crap. It is really sad that I did something for her in love, and because of what I have done, now when questionable emails show up she questions me. That is very heartbreaking. The hardest part is knowing that I have caused that mistrust. Talk about something that will keep you focused, that will do it.

For those of you reading this, if you like to send those greeting cards through the mail, Do not use Passion.com as it will flood your email with junk mail that you will not want.

[kyle]

Has been a few days since I last was here but there is nothing really new to talk about. Life has really changed for me and I am loving it. My wife and I are so much closer now because I have been able to truly place all my energy to ward her. God has blessed me with this great gift of love and for so long I just ignored that fact. Now that my eyes have turned where they belong, On God and on my Wife, things are so much more meaningful.

When we talk now we talk about everything, no matter how minor we think it might be. Our life has changed so much for the better it is hard to believe sometimes, but I know it is all due to God. I have turned my eyes back to God and he has taken away my sin. I will have to continue to work and walk with him on a daily basis but the rewards he has already given me are worth anything he would have me do.

Keep the faith my Brothers, God will provide if you just ask him with all your heart.

[kyle]

Last night was a huge turning point for me and my loving wife. We have totally turned everything over to God and it has shown in both our lives. My freedom from this sexual addiction and her being able to get her husband back have all been the work of God in our lives and to him i give all the glory.

Coming completely clean and confessing it all has gone a long way in helping me get to the point I am now. I didn't have much choice in the matter as I have said before, but I am so glad that I was able to. Had I not, Last night would never have been able to happen for me. God has blessed me so much in this past few months and I am so very thankful for it.

I just thought I would come here and shout it loud that my wife and I went out last night and were able to celebrate our 22nd anniversary. Had God not been with me it could never have happened. We had a great dinner and afterward watched a Huge fireworks show and were able to sit and talk about how we were, in essence, relearning about each other all over again. It is such a blessing to know that we are still together though all of this and that, with God's help, we will be together for a very long time. Last night I also ask my wife marry me again. She said yes and we are going to have a whole new outlook on our relationship and future together. I give all the glory to God.

[JohnG]

Kyle,

Congratulations on your 22nd. I have never posted to you before but you are doing well and it shows. Keep up the good work and cherish every moment - it is so easy to forget how precious each day of freedom is.

Your friend,

JohnG

[kyle]

the past week has been a good week. There have been a few lows but nothing that God wasn't able to bring me out of. I truly believe God will not give me anything more than I can handle.

I have had so much success in my being free that it is hard to tell sometimes for fear it will discourage others. I had the unfortunate position to be caught with my hand in the cookie jar so to speak and had no choice but to come clean completely. For me that was probably the best thing that ever happened. Since then I have turned everything over to God and I know I am free of this addiction. It will never haunt me again and I am so thankful for that. I am angry still at myself for ever causing the hurt and pain I have caused and am working out those issues now. My Wife and I are closer than we have been in so many years and we grow stronger and closer every day.

I just pray, daily, that others here will find the peace I have found with God and my wife. Once you get there it is the most rewarding and enjoyable feeling you will ever find. Things become clearer, and life becomes so much easier to handle, knowing God is right there with you. I give all the Glory to God as he is the one who has accomplished this within my life.

[heyyoutoo]

hey kyle,

i just want to encourage you to stay strong and let you know it was a big step you took in admitting it and telling your wife. you can overcome it.

i too am battling with it and have just started a journal, so i may write in your from time to time to encourage you and in doing so encourage myslef to stay strong and overcome

[kyle]

Today I just wanted to come here and post that everything has been moving in a positive direction. God has truly taken control of things for me and I have willingly turned them over to him. I had started the Setting Captives Free course and am happy to say that I have just finished day 59 of 60. I am so thankful that I found that course to help me fight through this sin that I had fallen too.

My wife and I have grown so much closer that I ever thought possible through all of this and I would never trade that for anything in the world. It has brought our family closer, I have gotten rid of many of my bad habits, still have a few lingering, and have gained a much better understanding of my relationship with God. I feel like I am finally becoming th husband my wife has searched for for many years now and the man that God has wanted me to be all along. My children now have a Father instead of a tyrant and those things are priceless to me.

I just thought I would come and let folks know that there is hope and that there is a future once you admit you have a problem and confess them to those you have hurt. I could not have said this a few months ago but am now able to proclaim it with full confidence.

God Bless

[kyle]

Well its been a few weeks since I was here last and I must admit that it has been tough coming here any more. An accountability partner of mine here and I were talking the other day about how there seems to be an awful lot of people who come here with good intentions and then do not follow through.

It seems that there is a lot of bickering lately in posts and It is really disheartening to see. I came to this board through the grace of God and it has helped me immensely and I really want to give back but it seems lately that has been a waste of time. Maybe it is just me but when people come, ask for advice and then disappear without a trace, you begin to wonder if they truly wanted to heal in the first place.

I have a couple of different places that I post at and I am finding it more and more difficult to post because I am not even sure people are listening to the advice they are being given. Not just mine but anyone's. I continue to pray on a daily basis that I am doing the right thing by continuing to post and it just seems to get tougher each time.

My accountability partner and I have both finished up the SFC Way of Purity course and are working to become mentors through them as well. We are both firm in our belief that God has taken away our sins and that he has healed us of our addictions. It makes it really difficult to say that here because many times you are met with a response that says "you need to be careful because this is a life long thing that never really goes away" or something to that affect. Well I do not believe that and feel that I have become free now and forever. I know many here do not believe in God and that they do not feel this is possible. I do not fault them for that but it just seems strange, to me, that because I do not feel like they do that I am just trying to Justify or lie to myself about my recovery. At least that is how some of the replies seem to come across.

Well I will continue to pray about my time here and hopefully I will find a way to continue to help and not feel like I am wasting my time. God has been very good to me since I finally turned to him and now I will turn to him once again to determine where I should be.

On a better not, these last few weeks have been great. I have, as I said earlier, finished mt Way of Purity course and have begun the mentoring course. My wife and I have become closer that we have ever been and we are now rebuilding our lives together. I am so thankful that she decided to stay with me throughout this ordeal and that we have been able to grow closer together rather than further apart. My family has become stronger as well and things have just been great at my house. I am very thankful to have found this site and a few others that have helped me see that freedom is possible and that you do not have to live with this blight for the rest of your life.

I have gained valuable insight from many members here and that is why I come here and do what I can to help. There are many good people here with big hearts and a willingness to help and for that I am glad I found you all. I guess that is all I have at the moment and I just pray that things work out to be beneficial to everyone.

God bless you all,

[kyle]

Things continue to move in a positive direction.Life has been good lately and my wife and I continue to grow back together. We talk more openly to each other with each passing day.

Last time I was here I spoke on how I didn't know if this was the place that I needed to continue to be at and After much prayer and discussion with God, I feel that I am where I need to be for the time being. I have had a few conversations with people here in private and I want to say that their encouraging words have helped me more than they could know. I guess we all get to roadblocks on occasion and maybe this was one of mine. This board has given so much to me I feel like I should return it back the same way.

[kyle]

Tonight was a bit of a reality check for me. While there have been great strides for me and my wife, I found out tonight, while we were at counseling, that there is still some lingering doubt in my wife. I knew to expect this in a way but it is always hard to face the fact that I have caused this in her. I also know that I am on her time line and not mine. I hate myself for the distrust I have created and just continue to know that God is there with us and that he will bring about the changes needed for us to become one again.

I love my wife deeply and have found, throughout this issue, that she Loves me as well. I have also been able to turn things over to God where I didn't before and that has made the difference. We have begun to rebuild and with God's help, we will come completely through this. I pray that others find what we have found and that I continue to remain focused on God and his promise that he will heal us.

[kyle]

Well this last week has been a bit tough. We have been going through some financial issues that have strained things a bit around the house. I have this nagging Feeling that because I am stressed out over things that my wife feels like I don't want to talk and that I am going back into my old habits. That is so far from the truth but I am struggling with how to bring it up in a conversation without making her feel like I am pointing fingers or backsliding. I do not ever want to be where I was and even though I have allowed stress to slow things down some, I still want to move in a positive direction.

We have accomplished so much these last few months and my life is so much better now that I have rekindled my relationship with God and have begun a new life with my wife. I am so thankful for her and I feel like I probably do not deserve her. She has been such a warrior in this whole process and I continue to feel like I am letting her down and I really do not know what to do about it.

We have been talking alot, although lately it has falling off a bit, and we have been rediscovering our lives all over again. It has been great and I think it is just going to get better. I guess I just want an answer that I cant seem to find right now will just have to continue to search until I find it.

I knew coming in to all of this that there would be times of struggle and doubt, but It really does suck when those come up. I feel so helpless and that is the hardest part of all.

On a good note, we are still communicating better than we had and I do love her more than I thought Possible. I know she loves me or she would not still be here so I will dwell on that instead of the negative things and continue to move in a positive direction.