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Post by gimmeshelter on Jun 6, 2007 18:38:48 GMT -5
Thought I'd check in... Things are better again, no problems since the weekend. I've noticed that I'm going longer periods without the urges, even if the road has gotten rough (downright slippery even). I don't know who follows the national news, but they found a local girl dead in the park nearby today, she was abducted from a store parking lot Sat. Only a few weeks ago a guy shot up a mall just a few blocks away. Being a part of a community where this stuff happens reinforces the strong determination that we must squash the depravity that lives in a few sick hearts and fight to protect our wonderful women. Anyway, still not counting days as that only succeeds in mocking me. I appreciate the support of you that have e-mailed or posted, you really have made any success that I've had managable....
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Focused
Full Member
Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it- Goethe
Posts: 149
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Post by Focused on Jun 11, 2007 8:17:15 GMT -5
Hey-
Glad things are going better- are you doing anything different to keep things that way?
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Post by gimmeshelter on Jun 15, 2007 0:11:34 GMT -5
Well, had a few more slips. I know yada yada yada big surprise, seems to me that the ones who don't slip are the rarity. I've been following Focused's recovery, congratulations on staying strong! The problem with falling down after some success is that it's like a diet-once broken, you feel like "what harm would another Twinkie cause?" Unfortunately the old negatives slip back in-guilt about lying to my SO, self loathing, etc. I have no intention of giving up, but my resolve is abyssmal. I'm so ashamed that I'm posting this late at night so that it won't be at the top of the board in the morning. To those that have been around with me if you're thinking about temptation message me and I'll tell you how it feels to fill your body with poison again...
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Focused
Full Member
Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it- Goethe
Posts: 149
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Post by Focused on Jun 16, 2007 14:35:43 GMT -5
Hey Gimme-
I'm seeing a bit of a pattern today.... everyone I'm checking in on today has really been struggling- sorry to see you're part of the in-crowd today.
I feel sometimes like people can look at me as an overly-optimistic-semi-blind cheerleader when I hit them with the "look at what you can take positive from your slip and move forward line" but I've been there on MANY occasions and only by doing my best to stay positive and each time I slipped, trying to take some little bit of wisdom from it to make things easier next time things got difficult.
Thanks for the encouragement on my end- it is still a daily thing but I won't call it a struggle since it is only every few days that it becomes more of a struggle. Staying clean has started to feel like my new lifestyle and I'm looking forward to more of the friends, like you, that I feel like I've gotten to know, can find the right combo to knock out this stupid addiction we've all let run our lives. I've been successful in part because of your encouragement and ideas and am here if anything I can do from this end.
At the risk of spouting off for too long.... just as it makes it easier to slip after you've had a slip, for me it got easier to be clean for longer each time I had been clean for a few days or more, so take some solace in the fact that you are building some good habits even while the old ones are still sneaking in sometimes.
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Post by gimmeshelter on Jun 16, 2007 19:13:19 GMT -5
Thanks for the pep talk Focused...yes, even though I've had a bumpy road lately I'm definitely overall seeing an improvement in my habits. The worst of it was lying to my wife, even if only implicitly-she was becoming very sensitive about why my attention was again waning and she felt less desirable. Even if she didn't know, I could tell she knew-and that conflict made it so much worse. But life is again improving. Hopefully soon I'll be able to report that I am genuinely on track again.
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Post by soulsurvivor on Jun 18, 2007 6:27:54 GMT -5
Hey gimme. I was sorry to read about your struggles lately. Hang in there. Here is an analogy I like to use for this addition. Each time we use P it is like a thin thread. Over time we add more and more threads, and eventually it becomes a string, then twine, then rope. I have used P so much that I have something like on of those fisherman ropes that can haul barges.
Although the thread is breakable, and so is the string, the rope can only be broken if we unravel it. It takes a long time, and a lot of patience to unravel the rope, but eventually it will be weakened to the point where it will break.
Right now, it seems that your rope is still too strong to be broken, but every day you do not use P, and every time you resist the urge--you are unraveling the rope. Eventually it will be breakable, but it will take a lot of time.
I hope this analogy helps. It helps me understand that every single day of sobriety is useful, even if there are a few slips thrown into the mix.
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Focused
Full Member
Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it- Goethe
Posts: 149
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Post by Focused on Jun 20, 2007 17:35:17 GMT -5
Hey-
Just checking in- you out there?
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Post by gimmeshelter on Jul 13, 2007 0:45:07 GMT -5
Thanks for checking in, yes still around. Been involved in a little civil war over here, not sure who's winning-bad P me or good kick the habit me. Guess if I don't know the news isn't good. I've tried to punish myself for slips by reformatting my hard drive each time, which takes 3 hours or so, but even then after a week or so I "sneak a peek" and then there goes the day-back to square one. I've got a lot of fight left and good intentions, but unfortunately the slips have put me where I used to be-dissatisfied with my loss of control, the feeling that my life is wasted on this crap when I could be so much more, etc. I appreciate the concern, will try to be more present and accountable. Know that I haven't given up the ship and that the fight goes on....
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Focused
Full Member
Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it- Goethe
Posts: 149
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Post by Focused on Jul 19, 2007 20:23:27 GMT -5
Hey Gimme- Glad to have you back! I got a good laugh earlier when I googled some lyrics when posting to DoubleA's journal.... I'm only a few months older than you and know if you're from the states you'll know this one..
--------------------------- Welcome back, Your dreams were your ticket out.
Welcome back, To that same old place that you laughed about.
Well the names have all changed since you hung around, But those dreams have remained and they're turned around.
Who'd have thought they'd lead ya (Who'd have thought they'd lead ya) Here where we need ya (Here where we need ya)
Yeah we tease him a lot cause we've hot him on the spot, welcome back, Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back. ----------------------------------
Sorry things have been a fight lately- I've got faith you'll pull it out- you just need to start doing some things differently- and you're the only one who knows what they are. Don't take it too seriously- and have some fun finding some positive things to do during the times that you used to spend looking at P!
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Focused
Full Member
Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it- Goethe
Posts: 149
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Post by Focused on Aug 2, 2007 22:49:06 GMT -5
Hey Gimme-
Thanks for checking in with me. I'm looking forward to you posting again.... although I certainly understand that it may be more important now to read and see what others are doing. I know for me, starting and keeping up with my journal has helped me get better at being honest with myself, others and to allow others to push me a bit into areas I don't really want to go.... (i.e Sawyer encouraging me to talk to my wife finally). We've all got different stuff that works for us I wish you whatever is needed to hook into the right combination of things to change so you get to where you want to be.
Keep fighting the good fight amigo, even the small victories are worth it.
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Post by gimmeshelter on Aug 4, 2007 10:09:15 GMT -5
Thanks Focused! I suppose the journal is mine to do with as I please, it just felt very deceptive for me to post after a few days of success only to fall again. And, frankly I was tired of confessing my weakness and failure-not fun. I have learned an immense amount over the last few months. I've learned that abstinence from P is not about setting records for days clean or about self hatred for failure. It is a very slow molding process in which you identify old habits and change them. Most of my failures have come from being plain old bored and seeing what trouble I could get into. So, I've tried to replace that space with exercise, housework, hobbies, etc. I am working hard on identifying the moment where the impulse hits and replacing it with work. I've also been reading bits of St. Augustine's Confessions (a throwback from college-will post some relevant excepts later. I think I'll try to find or start an accountability circle-maybe the "I've fallen and I can't et up!" circle..
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Focused
Full Member
Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it- Goethe
Posts: 149
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Post by Focused on Aug 4, 2007 10:31:15 GMT -5
Hey- For what it's worth, I think you're on the right track with looking at it as a long-term process and not a switch you can just flip and it's gone.
I thought/hoped that by finding this forum and by using many of the things I learned here that I'd be done with P... well, it hasn't quite worked like that but, like you, I've seen some successes and have started learning how to put the pieces together for long-term success, not just putting together a string of days that I'm struggling to make it to the next one. Things have gotten much easier on my end and seem to get better by the week as I do what we've both written about- change my long-term habits and look for better uses of my time.
For me, knowing that I had committed myself to posting here didn't keep me away from P when I was really down.... but there have been MANY times that, instead of looking at P I came here to post and got my mind off of it and onto this more productive outlet.... like you said, it's your journal to do with as you please but my suggestion is to challenge yourself to figure out how to use it as a tool to get through the difficult times... we all need as many of those as we can get!
Enjoy the rest of your weekend
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Post by gimmeshelter on Dec 11, 2007 0:13:53 GMT -5
Thought I'd post again, it's been awhile. Afraid that the last few months have seen me back at my old shenanigans, using P. Really a pretty weird relapse, I sort of made a deal with myself that I would tolerate this nasty little habit as long as it wasn't interfering with me getting other things done and didn't affect my relationship with my wife. Unfortunately, I've been pretty successful in my little deal. I use P much less now in terms of hours out of the day, the binges come and are intense but I can usually keep them at a little over an hour. As far as my wife, our relationship is better although sometimes she drops hints that she could be happier with the situation. Perfect, right? I think the thing that's been keeping me from trying to quit again is I don't feel so bad about it anymore-life has become pretty routine. But, the P still nags at me. When I listen to the voice in my head (rarely) I find that my life is going really well-I'm successful, have a beautiful wife and child, and am admired by my peers. The only fly in the ointment? You guessed it-P. I haven't talked about religion here before but I am Christian and feel that my P may be the hitch that causes me to be passed over when my judgement comes, and that bugs me. Is it worth continuing to find out? Do I really want to gamble with my soul? I know I don't and I know I would have even more potential if I wasn't engaged with the smut. So maybe I'm just looking for a reason to come at this full force again. I think if someone would like to be my accountability partner that would be a good first step. Think I'll post a "help wanted ad..."
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Post by gimmeshelter on Dec 11, 2007 11:09:44 GMT -5
Hit by the "massive midwest ice storm" last night, so working from home (rare for me)! Thought I'd keep it honest and throw up a quick post. Looked around a little bit and saw that soulsurvivor and Focused are still around and succeeding. That's great, you two are my inspiration, good to see some make it. Going to look for some accountability and positive influences before I sign off...
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Post by gimmeshelter on Dec 12, 2007 22:14:49 GMT -5
Still around, not much luck over in the accountability circles. Great idea, just not much follow-up so far. Guess I'll keep looking around. Doing fine though, although I know 3 days doesn't mean jack in the grand scheme of things-been there a hundred times.
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