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Post by gimmeshelter on May 7, 2007 18:54:01 GMT -5
Day 1
Good things:
1. Wasn't late for work from sneaking downstairs before my shower. 2. Didn't act agitated when my wife called me on her way home from work. Usually she interrupts my "session" that I try to get in by getting home 20 minutes before her. 3. Warmly greeted with my wife and met her at the door when she got home. Usually I'm trying to clean up and close computer windows when the dog warns me her car is pulling up.
Bad things: 1. Pretty doubtful about my chances of getting far. 2. Worried about becoming "asexual" and boring. 3. Worried that my energy might end up spent on something worse (infidelity mostly).
All in all a pretty good day though. Decided I'm going to give myself 5 bucks when it's over and try to educate myself more...
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Post by gimmeshelter on May 7, 2007 21:02:36 GMT -5
So I told my wife I was quitting. She of course had internalized a lot of the repercussions of my P and M and had decided that she wasn't exciting enough, or attractive enough, etc. She thought maybe our problem would be solved if she and I bought some P videos and watch ed them together. That made things even murkier, as that was my usual suggestion when I'd get caught-that my behavior was normal and that she could join at any time. It was super tough at that point to just get the message across-I AM QUITTING. IT"S NOT YOU, IT'S ME. There are no conditions this time (I told her once that if she'd quit talking to her ex boyfriend I'd quit P). I told her there could be no more grey areas meaning that P is OK once in awhile, etc. I'm not sure I believe this myself, and as I said on the general board I sure as hell don't know about giving up M, but until I educate myself that's what I'm going with...
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Post by gimmeshelter on May 8, 2007 17:18:12 GMT -5
Day 2
Good
Feel pretty good today. I work with many attractive young women and didn't feel like my lack of P or MB was directed at them-one of my concerns.
Much less nervous energy today. Waiting for the wife to get home, this is one of my usual P times. But no real urge at this point.
Bad
Concerned about how this pent up energy will need to be spent. M was always a safe release. But I seem OK today.
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Post by gimmeshelter on May 10, 2007 17:45:49 GMT -5
Day 4 Things are actually going very well. I came home today and hit an old Bookmark. Lingered for a moment and felt a twinge of desire, but was able to close the window and erase the bookmark. The wife is taking good care of me, think she enjoys the end of "sexual anorexia". All in all pretty good. I'm wondering about a few things....
I used to like reading erotic literature. This would definitely lead to MB, so I guessed I answered my own question about whether I can still read it?
Also, I have many pictures of my wife. Would looking at them trigger other viewing?
Probably a moot point since I'm off MB and either would definitely send me to the solo show...
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Post by gimmeshelter on May 11, 2007 8:18:41 GMT -5
Day 5 Doing well, actually feel very blessed because the waters have been pretty calm. Hope it's not the calm before the storm, becuase I know I was a raging abuser of this stuff. Anyway, hoping to legitimately make it and then help starting others.
One thing I was ahamed of was that there was an organizational meeting last Sunday geared towards charity work that was right up my alley. I missed the meeting because I was at home taking advantage of a P opportunity. I called the group and offered my services, so I'm starting to come alive a little...
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Post by gimmeshelter on May 12, 2007 10:39:54 GMT -5
Day 6 Things are going really well. I'm a little concerned about the weekend, because there's a lot of extra time and worse yet alone time where slips can happen. However, I've planned the day out with chores, may actually be efficient for once! Life is much better than I expected. I was worried I'd transfer this energy to other avenues, particularly was concerned about infidelity. However, I'm more attracted to my SO than ever this week, I think the whole fantasizing about other women was a P thing and I probably was MORE likely to cheat while I was in the grips of the mighty P...will hold strong this weekend and get a week under my belt...
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Post by gimmeshelter on May 13, 2007 22:23:40 GMT -5
Day 7 Made it through the weekend, not much problem. My SO is pretty excited by my newfound stamina, so life is pretty good. Still watching over my shoulder for the demons though-not that stupid. Pretty funny we were at a benefit last night and a bunch of good looking girls were walking around dressed as Vegas showgirls. My SO wanted me to snap some photos, but I said "I don't think you want me looking at those when we move the pics from the camera to the computer. Better not." Score 1 for the good guys!
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Post by gimmeshelter on May 15, 2007 23:21:39 GMT -5
Day 9 Working like crazy the last two days, sold our old house so we've been doing last minute repairs after work. Life seems pretty good, don't really miss the stuff. Had a few moments Sunday night, since that was when some of my P pages refresh and I liked to cruise. But played a video game and forgot about it pretty easily. Really like feeling like I'm a little cleaner than I did before. I don't feel like a big phony in church, since the only thing I prayed about was that I would stop looking at P-think God was like "just do it and shut up already..." Also, I feel like I'm a little better behaved around my female coworkers. Not that I was inappropriate, but I would definitely check the girls out and I'm sure I was caught a few times in the past. Ironically stopping P hasn't made me the sex starved pervert I was afraid I'd be-rather I feel much more well adjusted...
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Post by gimmeshelter on May 16, 2007 17:09:04 GMT -5
Day 10, got home from work and felt a few twinges but came to the board and am doing fine. Going out with some coworkers soon, and will deal with the tension until I see my wife this evening, as a normal guy does. I should keep my mouth shut, but I've been reading the posts between some SO's and one of the long time PA's here. It seems like he angered a few of them and now they are commenting on him in significant numbers and frankly some of it seems like personal attacks. I don't think he was trying to insult anyone and certainly meant no harm. Going into his journal and picking fights over it seems wrong. I want to be able to express freely in MY journal, and that means that if you don't want to know what's in my head keep moving along. Additionally, the SO area seems like a dangerous place for the addicts to post, as the reception seems pretty rough over there. I for one do not intend to EVER mix the two. I know that I am a good, actually very good person. Unfortunately I have a large flaw, manifested as a (expletive)ization of a normal human drive. I'm working on that. That doesn't make me monstruous or untrustworthy, in fact my owning up to it makes me much more honest than most IMHO. I'll stop before I go too far but that's how I see it, as posted in MY journal...
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Post by gimmeshelter on May 17, 2007 0:13:36 GMT -5
Well, back from my coworker outing. I'll tell you, there is little correlation between my P life and any social sexuality that may be out there. I am successful and attractive, and my coworkers are all female. While I behaved like a perfect gentleman the girls danced around the bar, and one of my younger employees was very flirtacious with other men. She is in her 20's and engaged to be married next month. She spent the night lamenting that her fiance has cut her off from sex for a year and that she needs "marital aids" regularly and fears he is gay. I was able to be proper, but came out of there reinforced that this is most certainly a two way street. BTW she is a respectable girl, so if one has any preconceived notions they can throw them out the window. Glad to be home with my wife, and with my fidelity intact. I won't go into it tonight, but there were others in similar power positions out tonight that were acting very lewdly. A sad commentary on the state of the man/woman state of our world....
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Post by soulsurvivor on May 17, 2007 7:31:28 GMT -5
Congratulations on Day 10 Gimme! I just read your entire journal. We seem very much in the same boat. Like you, I consider myself very successful in other aspects of my life. I have simply managed to (expletive)ize (great characterization) a normal human drive. Also like you, I have some compulsive behaviors, but no other addictions. I agree with your assessment of the men/woman state of the world as well. Just the other day I was out with my wife at a pretty fancy restaurant. One guy there was dining with two attractive women. They kept looking over at us for some reason and my wife and I made eye contact at one point. <next part is potentially triggering but I don't know how to block it out> One women came over to our table and simply asked if men liked women who dyke out together. (that is what they said, not my own words). I said no. The guy at the table was on my side. The women would not believe us. <end of trigger> I think this is another really sad commentary on the state of the world. What will become of my daughter I do not know. All I know is that I refuse to be part of the problem. I think this attitude can help in our recovery. I realize that P is destroying more than just my life. It is eroding the very moral fabric of our civilized society. Hang in there with your recovery. My recovery has been going extremely well lately. Once you get by the one or two month point it gets easier. The cravings come less often, and the memories of what you have seen become more faded. The big challenge becomes complacency. Always remember that you are fighting something, even when the cravings are not hitting every day. I look forward to reading more of your journal. (and I promise not to post any of it in the SO forum
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Post by gimmeshelter on May 17, 2007 22:03:36 GMT -5
Day 11
BUSY day, hell busy week. Guess it was a good time to quit P, as I needed the productivity. I've decided to wipe my computer by re-installing the OS, figure having a "sparkly" machine will give me peace of mind. Still paying myself $5 a day, already have my 100 day purchase picked out! I'm glad to see the boards looking a little more normal-more about recovery and less about jabbing one another. No deep thoughts today-turning this bad boy off to go be with my wife, where I belong...
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Post by gimmeshelter on May 19, 2007 16:10:45 GMT -5
Day 13 Pretty grumpy today, think it's mainly becuase I worked my ass off this week and now my wife has me running my ass off this weekend. Plus I'm committed to family events (hers) next weekend. Oh well, maybe I'll get a life in June. Other than that I'm fine. Going to take 3 Ibuprofen and knock a few beers back. Maybe there'll be a spare moment tomorrow. At least I've got my P free ness intact!
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Post by gimmeshelter on May 21, 2007 18:28:10 GMT -5
Day 15.
A little grumpy over the weekend, think it had more to do with working too hard and having a weekend full of crap to do than anything.
Sat night I was up late working on a computer (reinstalling OS, wiping HD clean), came across some stories I had written. They were fantasies about an ex that I had written about a year ago. This particular ex married just prior to me and we had 'hooked up' numerous times prior to meeting our current SO's for casual meetings. Needless to say she fed a few of my less sterling habits by sending pictures and writing stories back and forth to me, a process which ceased as our other relationships grew. These particular stories were written, but never shared with her. I guess I'm telling this for 2 reasons:
1. I found the stories extremely graphic and digusting. I couldn't believe my brain had generated this (expletive), much less that I thought it might 'turn on' someone.
2. No matter how disgusting I found it, a voice in the back of my head (my own NOG:) said 'just read it through one more time, then you can erase it.' By divine intervention I had read about 3 lines when my wife appeared at the top of the stairs and called me up to bed.
I erased the stories, shut the damned thing off, and up I went. My wife smiled and said "Nothing good ever comes after 2am". I had to agree....
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Post by gimmeshelter on May 21, 2007 18:32:52 GMT -5
Since I'm writing, guess I'll share another story. Was in church on Sunday and when the choir sang (we have a young congregation) I was scanning the choir and realized that I was enjoying the sunny countenances of the pretty girls' FACES! Only looking back can one see the contrast and how much different one can feel. Those same women were being scanned with a predatory eye a month ago, looking for one "that I'd like to do"... The crap f*&%cks you up more than you can see, it's a shame everyone can't get free for awhile, step outside, and see the world in a new way....
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