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Post by soulsurvivor on May 22, 2007 6:57:57 GMT -5
Excellent to hear that 1) you didn't read the stories and 2) you though they were (expletive). Huge kudos on that! I had to laugh at "your own Nog." Good to see you have him under control--even if it takes devine intervention, which I think many times it does.
Your second post really hit me. The whole world does becomes a much better place when we shelve this rediculous habbit. Even the crappy work we have to do becomes less of a burden. I am always pleased that I am running the errands rather than sitting in front of a computer destroying my life.
Keep up the good work gimmeshelter! Looks like you have a great start here.
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bb13
Full Member
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Post by bb13 on May 22, 2007 7:27:59 GMT -5
gimmeshelter-
I'm an SO....love the way you talk about us. ;-) Hey...you're welcome over on our side anytime! We're not that scary! :-)
I wanted to commend you on your good work! My husband and I went to therapy for the first time this past Saturday and tomorrow he goes alone for his second session. He's been clean of P for 5 days now but is still MB (as you can see he has a long way to go but he took the first step which was to recognize he has a problem and is now trying to do something about it).
I hope your wife is really proud of what you have accomplished so far. Keep up the good work and you'll be a free man (in mind, body, and soul). That's really great!
BB13
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Focused
Full Member
Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it- Goethe
Posts: 149
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Post by Focused on May 22, 2007 21:23:57 GMT -5
Hallelujah there brudda! It's amazing how the crap we look at changes the way we look at women and the thoughts we have just walking down the street or working.... getting clear of the P for a while has given me a fresh perspective on how my mind works (or doesn't depending on how you look at it).... lots more positive about being able to get through at least part of the day w/out ogling some girls body.
I bet it was a nice relief to go downstairs with the wife at 2 AM without the normal guilt of having slipped down the P hole.
Hope you're doing well!
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Post by gimmeshelter on May 23, 2007 18:40:43 GMT -5
Day 17 Thanks everyone for dropping by. to bb13, I wish you and your SO the best. You should know that I am very fond of the fairer sex and realize that much of what happens on the SO board was born out of years of hurt. I wish each and every one of those women's pain would be lifted from them. My main reservations were just about the jumping on the PA's. Remember, the ones posting here are the ones trying to change their lives, not the ones pulling the "late night squirrelies" soulsurvivor, good to have you back! You make the board a better place... Focused, good to hear from you again, seems like we're succeeding on parallel courses. Always good to hear what you think. That epsiode I described was more powerful than I was able to write. Their faces shined and glowed. I saw them as what they were, and what was beautiful inside of them. I've still got a lot of growing up to do. BTW life is good this week. The work is slowing down, getting ready to visit family for the holiday this weekend. Had some weirdness the other day while cleaning a computer. My washing of the hard drives turned into a "see if I can find the hidden P file" game. Of course this was done in the name of recovery, but it felt to me like I was a little too eager to find something. Never did though, guess the scrubbing is working!
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Post by gimmeshelter on May 25, 2007 13:19:10 GMT -5
Day 19 Doing well, heading to the in-laws for the Holiday. Day 17 got a little rough, actually found an old link on the computer and had to unglue myself-it's like a magnet! Ended up on a website with some suggestive stuff (not P), decided that this was definitely not the right path and got my ass off the comp. Better now, obviously not cured though...
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Post by gimmeshelter on May 29, 2007 19:03:02 GMT -5
Day 23
Not having a stellar run of it. Had the close call day 17, the went away for the weekend. Was at a buddies house w/ my wife and was playing a video game while she watched a movie. Movie was basically Porky's on crack, and searched the Net when I got home to see who the "actors" were. Naturally a few of the pics from the movies came up and I clicked them, after all it was in the movie, right? Definitely testing the boundaries and running on thinner ice. To make matters worse, after a few weeks one forgets how much life this takes out of you. It stops seeming harmful. What could a peek hurt after all? Any way going to try to get my mind to a better place but the dark side is strong in this one today:(
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Post by gimmeshelter on May 30, 2007 17:53:45 GMT -5
No further counting
Didn't make it much past that post yesterday. I am evaluating where I went wrong and making another go of it. Don't think I'll do any counting this time...
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Post by gimmeshelter on May 31, 2007 19:16:15 GMT -5
OK, Getting reorganized, didn't mention this sidebar to the wife. I think what threw me more was that the big changes that came at the beginning had stopped-my recovery was becoming routine. I definitely like life better without P though, so I'm back at it. As I said no day counts though. As I have thoughts about this I'll post them here...
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Focused
Full Member
Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it- Goethe
Posts: 149
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Post by Focused on May 31, 2007 21:09:55 GMT -5
Hey Gimmeshelter- I was checking in to see how things were going and I'm seeing a bit of a pattern with a few of us who joined this forum around the same time.... we're all struggling! I had an almost slip (similar to your looking for the "actors" in the movie) and I just wrote a post to Doublea..... here's a link if interested since I'm tempted to write or copy the same thing since it is appropriate. lightwave.proboards48.com/index.cgi?action=display&board=journal&thread=1177968887&page=3#1180662939Anyhow, as you mentioned life is a heck of a lot better w/out P and maybe we all need to keep reminding ourselves of how bad things were to remember how much better they are now!
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Post by soulsurvivor on Jun 1, 2007 8:11:47 GMT -5
Hey Gimme. I was sad to read that you had some trouble the other day. DONT GIVE UP! Recognize that redlight behavior and avoid it. Complacency with recovery is a huge downfall for many. Once life starts seeming better, we forget how much we really hate P. Always keep in mind that P is trying to destroy you. I think of it as smoking (hence my image). Each time I take a drag on a cigarette I am destroying myself physically. P is much worse, each time I take a hit I am destroying myself spiritually.
Often one slip after a period of sobriety will often lead to full allout binges. DONT LET THIS HAPPEN. Keep fighting. dont despair. This time...give it up forever...no day counting...its forever gone. isn't that a great feeling?
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Post by gimmeshelter on Jun 2, 2007 11:42:13 GMT -5
Thanks for stopping by! Actually I feel like I'm back to my recovered self again, guess the moons aligned in an evil way and it was off to the races! From what I can tell my biggest danger now is allowing myself "recovery breaks" when the going gets rough. I never was one for excessive self loathing or guilt, so my attitude was "well I messed up, but back to work"....I'm trying to remind myself that these slip ups take a psychic toll and that any pattern which involves P/MB in any frequency is ultimately unhealthy.
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Post by gimmeshelter on Jun 2, 2007 11:54:02 GMT -5
I was reviewing my slip today, first quiet moment I had this week. I was reminded of a recurrent dream I had as a kid. The dream is basically the scene out of Willie Wonka where the kid falls into a pool of chocolate milk and is sucked up a pipe to be retrieved by the Ooompa Loompas. In the dream the kid is me and the pool is unavoidable. Although I know that danger is in the pool all attempts to stay safely away fail and I inevitably fall in. That magnetic draw, the inability to stay safe in my dream, is the same sensation that I felt as I struggled internally. I've got to figure out a way to shut down the pull when it becomes white hot.
I'm in a good place now, but trying to plan strategies, now that I know the pool isn't always so quiet.
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Post by useless servant on Jun 2, 2007 16:53:43 GMT -5
It's good your spirits are high, gimme!
Excellent work on accountability! Keep on going!
Marv
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Post by gimmeshelter on Jun 4, 2007 22:47:16 GMT -5
May as well not BS myself, did some more slipping over the weekend. Man, this is not going well! I don't even know why it happened, but I'm not quitting. The last week has been weird. Worked very hard over last week, then I heard from an old flame. Her life is in ruins-mother passed away last week, boyfriend just left her and stole her money, etc. She's living in a hotel room and bawling and is in real danger of becoming an alcoholic (she drinks like 2 fish), maybe even committing suicide-and I feel helpless. I am married to a woman I'm crazy about, and she's 6 months pregnant. To make things tougher the girl in trouble is someone that I had an off and on relationship with for over 15 years, so my connection to her is still strong-we also had an intense physical relationship. So I may be rationalizing, but my sh## is definitely not in order....
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Focused
Full Member
Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it- Goethe
Posts: 149
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Post by Focused on Jun 5, 2007 18:02:55 GMT -5
Hey Gimme- Not to make light of your ex's issues, but there will always be crap in our lives.... anyhow you know where that's going. Can you be a friend for her now w/out your wife getting pissed and you going nuts?..
I've felt like my mantra lately (partly to myself) has been, if it's not working for you, what are you changing in your life. As I did after MANY falls over the last several years, you may also want to look for little changes to make, looking back at your recent slips to help keep them from happening over and over. I think you're right when alluding to it becoming more difficult each time you let yourself slip.... you're just building on habits whether good or bad- keep looking for ways to develop the good ones!
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