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Post by C2M on Apr 17, 2007 10:38:23 GMT -5
If anyone remembers I was forum member Cry2me, a man addicted to porn and prostitutes.
The end of the year became embarrassing in terms of my struggle against this with self abuse becoming a mandatory ritual. Thus this year, I had personally avoided returning to this forum promising myself that I would notch up a substantial amount of clean days before sharing my story again.
Thus far this year I have only managed 16 days clean of porn and prostitutes.
I even drew up a personal Good Friday pledge to swear off porn for life, however by the following Friday I was masturbating and screwing again.
Spiritually I am uninspired and be honest unconvinced. Add to that I lead a painfully insipid social life where if the term going nowhere fast was associated to my life, I would have broken the world speed record.
I basically live with my head in the sand. Fear controls 90% of me. I am 26 and have achieved nothing and posses nothing.
It is time for the Phoenix inside of me to rise. I must seek my calling in life. Every day, hour, minute and second counts now.
To achieve my goals I must lose the bitterness, cowardice, laziness, self-pity and general pessimism that controls me and replace them with strength, courage, openness, charisma, assertiveness, self-respect and dignity.
This is my yellow brick road.
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wonked
Junior Member
Posts: 90
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Post by wonked on Apr 17, 2007 10:43:33 GMT -5
Be proud of your devastating honesty. Draw strength from it. Write down the man you want to be and fantasize about how much better your life will be when you are free from this.
This web site is not rock bottom. If you are here now, you've probably already hit. This web site is a lifeline and you have a hold of it.
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Post by C2M on Apr 17, 2007 10:49:14 GMT -5
Thanks mate. This is the beauty of places like this. You can be as honest as possible without the real fear of embarrassement. This journey is going to be long but worth it.
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Post by Valjean on Apr 17, 2007 10:55:09 GMT -5
Just wanted to welcome you back C2M I've only recently come back myself after a few months of absence and it is odd how different it feels in many ways. Anyway, you sound pretty determined at the moment. I hope you can turn it into some real success. Looking forward to reading more from you, Valjean
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Post by barnes on Apr 20, 2007 7:00:07 GMT -5
Welcome back also. Although it would be better if there was no need for any of us to be here.
I can't hold off any longer asking about your avatar? It looks like a heart held in a hand, but it also looks like a hand-grenade, complete with a pin in the top. Is it an exploding heart?
Hope you make it to freedom this time.
Barnes
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Post by C2M on Apr 20, 2007 12:04:01 GMT -5
Hey Barnes thanks for the visit! Your correct my avatar is of a hand grenade shaped like heart ready to explode. A perfect depiction of my current state.
C2M
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Post by C2M on Apr 20, 2007 12:45:06 GMT -5
Slipped yesterday Good news is that im clean today I've just posted a new thread on the support board in regards to this weeks tragic Virgina Tech Massacres lightwave.proboards48.com/index.cgi?board=general&action=display&thread=1177090359I'm interested to see how it will be received. If this weeks tragedy teaches us anything it teaches us that life is not eternal and we cannot take a minute we have for granted. I need to drill this into my mind until I live by this!!! C2m
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Post by iwanttoquit on Apr 21, 2007 9:07:34 GMT -5
Hi C2M. I didn't read your previous journal (I only joined quite recently). I also thinjk you're doing the right thing, trying to tackle it.
So you slipped yesterday, don't worry I've done "it" many hundreds (if not thousands) of times. Barnes said "Hope you make it to freedom this time." Have you got a plan for how you'll get there? How do you're p sessions start? fantasising? boredom? work avoidance?
Next, that 16 days is time you have resisted - well done! you've demonstrated to yourself you don't need it. I guess you felt quite pleased after you resisted "the urge", try and hold that thought.
on another note, it's kind of ironic that your avatar is off "American Idiot". You could replace "American" with English, Spanish, ... and it could be any of us!
all the best, iwanttoquit
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Post by beginning on Apr 21, 2007 19:30:09 GMT -5
Congratulations on your new journal, C2M.
I'm glad you returned to the board. That shows that you really want to change. That mindset is the cornerstone of recovery.
Be well, beginning
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Post by beginning on Apr 23, 2007 18:15:56 GMT -5
Come in, C2M! We miss you.
Cheers, beginning
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Post by C2M on Apr 25, 2007 17:09:57 GMT -5
Hey beginning and others thanks for your concern!
I think I’ll start this post with sharing some positive news relating to my health. I undertook a medical trail this Monday were my blood was being donated for a bit of cash. Conveniently they also checked my blood for HIV and other life threatening diseases. Thankfully I am negative and I earned £30 for the trouble! A great incentive to quit messing around with filthy harlots!
On a bad note it’s unfortunate that I have to report another slip. The immediate feeling I get from a post masturbation slip is comparable to Peter from the Bible, i.e. a deafening sound of the cock crowing. Furthermore reporting a slip is extremely embarrassing and even more so when it is so close to my last one. Positives I can take is that tomorrow is another day and a new start.
This is my yellow brick road.
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Post by beginning on Apr 25, 2007 18:57:53 GMT -5
Good to have you back, C2M.
You have a clean bill of health now. How about resetting the clock and start anew? It seems to me you are ready for it.
Cheers, beginning
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Post by C2M on May 16, 2007 16:56:25 GMT -5
Day 12 - The EVOLUTION
Writing this I ask myself how significant the saying “Grow or Die” is to conquering my addiction. I tell you how - it is mother(expletive)ing essential if there is any hope of success. I was a dying person, the depression, anger, fear and resentment in me was sapping me away, draining my time, depredating my brain and spirit until I became an empty vessel of junk, dribbling ghoulishly through life sparked only by fictitious, lust filled fanatical thoughts of a delusional porn paradise.
I now live differently and most of all THINK differently. For example, what I learnt from attending the few PA meetings is that my addiction was more powerful than me. So in January I removed (well it was removed due to a virus) internet access in my room hence instantly removing a port to my addiction and given me more free time to pursue my more important goals.
Secondly I am more positive, I read positive books, watch positive films, listen to positive music, interact with positive people and engage in positive activities (running, working out, puzzle solving, socialising, and learning a new language (Francais!)).
Finally and most importantly I am becoming more confident in being ME. This concept was reignited in me when reading poster MJ’s journal. The less I care about what others think about me the freer I am to develop as a person. The less I compare myself with other people’s success and failures the more I am able to concentrate on my own pursuits.
This is my life and I am ALIVE.
I know, what some of you are probably thinking, only 12 days clean and this fellow thinks he is Mahatma Ghandi LOL! But I believe this is the one, no more porn or self-abuse again. Currently I am making some of the most progressive strides in my physical and emotional life that if I continue like this then nothing is impossible and all is achievable.
This is my yellow brick road.
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Post by C2M on May 24, 2007 16:25:04 GMT -5
Day 20 I've just reread my last post. Pretty Euphoric. Not a bad thing but I have make sure that it doesn't blind me from the depressing facts of my life that I need to sort out. Currently I am working in several menial unfulfiling 'Mcjobs', living at my mothers home, in a mill of debt and have not been in a relationship with a woman for seven years! Inner happiness is all good but my current situation is not allowing me to grow as a man. My mental state is see-saw. One day I am full of elation and the next I am suicidal. I am in a 50/50 state now. A good thing is that porn is very distant at the moment... I have also met someone amazing! This girl I met at my latest 'semi-Mcjob' (holds a little more prestige than some of my other positions) that I started two-weeks ago. Its strange because although we started together, trained together etc it took me about a week to actually notice her. Her beauty is not instantly noticeable yet when noticed it is unforgettable! However that still is not what draws me to her... No what I like most about her is that she has so many of the characteristics that I lack in my personality, i.e. assertiveness, extrovertionaism, openess, fearlessness and self-confidence. In fact she could be considered as crazy, a person who lives everyday as a party, sings and dances in the streets not afraid to try things but forever entertaining or annoying all around her. Move over Nina I have found a new love... I'll call her Purple. Too bad she is only 17!!! ... yep I must be bloody desperate ! This is my yellow brick road.
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Post by C2M on May 30, 2007 5:50:45 GMT -5
Day 1After 25 days of progression I'm here to report a slip. What can I say. I am human. My loneliness caught up with me, I needed that instant gratifying comfort that porn gave me. Moments leading to the slip my mind went, I saw no future, no point. No one loved me, no one cared so what the hell. Afterwards like a baby I sobbed. My sobriety was like my baby and I had killed it. 25 days had made me more stronger. I can see myself getting together again, definatly... My love life - or lack of itNow about this girl Purple. It's really crazy because I know she is dangerous, I know my lust for her is an illusion but every time were within a close proximity with one another I lose almost all sense of responsibility. I do not reserve or hide my feelings towards her, in fact I'm all over her like a rash, I know she likes it because she doesn't tell me to stop but she can see I'm desperate and me being desperate will make me vulnerable to manipulation. A reason why I am so open about my feelings to her is that I can vividly see that my feelings are hallucinations, so I express them openly as to scare her off thus protect me from creating something 'real' with someone who would affectively break my heart. I tell her how I feel through actions, words and playful innuendos. Although she likes the attention (she gets it from several others not just me) she is not interested in anything romantic. She tells me that I am more like a brother figure to her than a lover figure. She wants a mean, dark, bad guy. Not a sensitive, sweet love freak. In all honestly I do not know what I am doing but I have to be a man and deal with this. If I am honest my 25 days of strength and sobriety were motivated by my relationship with Purple. Which doesn't say much about my emotional indepandance... In this journal I have yet to mention Cathrine a French fille I met sometime before I rejoined this board. This woman personality wise couldn't be more different than Purple. Subtle, down to earth, innocent (well she comes across as it) but also open and enjoys my company. Only two things prevent anything fruiting between us. She leaves to France for ever next month and she has a boyfriend. I'm seeing her tonight actually, I have become accustomed to containing my feelings until they disappear and forming trusting relationships with these women. Unfortunately they reappear from time to time and it is usually written all over my face. Nina, the woman so prominent in my last journal, is still around I see her tomorrow for a mutual catch up... I am a man and a man I must become. I seek companionship but I know there is so much more I must do before I do so. Love is destiny, I must understand that everything else is in my control. This road is long and I walk it alone. I am the Tin-man with a heart. I am the Lion looking for some courage. I am Dorothy (well Donnell, her male equivalent) who just wants to go home. Where ever it is. C2M
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