My Yellow Brick Road

[Valjean]

"Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard,
Some do it with a bitter look,
Some with a flattering word,
The coward does it with a kiss,
The brave man with a sword!"

Was ever a truer word spoken?

I identify with everything you write C2M, the lonliness, the fear, the lack of love. Everything. I'm still after Jen, but she's been going out with this guy for over a year, I've met the new girl on the train, but after all the planning of going to the same uni she's decided to go elsewhere. And once again I'm stuck in the middle.

The old brother figure thing, you won't be surprised that I've been there too. Isn't it always the way? A friend of mine said not to worry about the relationships or lack thereof because I was "lovely, and a really great guy" well, you and me both C2M, but I can't help but feel that we're everything girls say they want, but really don't. Probably just my pessimistic view, but I've never had any evidence to the contrary...

Anyway, I hope this meeting goes well tonight, and with Nine tomorrow

Your friend,

Valjean

[C2M]

Thank you Valjean. You are a loyal musketeer in this battle we face.


Day 2

I didn’t get any sleep at all last night. I crashed on the couch at Catherine’s party and left about 6.00am for my 9.30 meeting with Nina. I am currently in an internet cafe awaiting her arrival. Its now 7.33am

Catherine’s party – I’ll be honest, my intention was to get laid, preferably to Catherine and if not then to any willing female. I’ve been feeling so under-sexed that even street lampposts have been turning me on.

Catherine was looking as gorgeous as usual but was occupied with the event and her other friends. I thus made my way through people engaging in frivolous conversations through the evening until I made company with a pal of Catherine whom I had met on an earlier occasion. I attended this evening with a male friend of mine Michael, who is a naturally charismatic and confident person. Whilst I spent most of the evening engaging in monotonous conversations about politics and house prices, I found him laughing and flirting with almost every woman he came in contact with, notably Catherine! That bar-steward!

Apart from a few false cuddles I didn’t get close to Catherine that night. She made no effort to engage with me and neither did I really with her. Which is cool because she leaves for France in 10 days for good.

The positives I can derive from this evening is that I think I am beginning to understand the science of attraction. I believe that being outgoing, sociable and confident are key qualities that make us attractive. Thinking about it, I am fascinated by this Purple girl not by her looks but by her openness and free spirited nature. Her looks simply enhance my desire.

Bar a few deformities, I am not an oga, I do feel I have reasonable looks. Personality wise there is an extrovert in captivity within me. I want to sing, I want to dance I want to entertain.

Porn is such a reclusive pastime. The door of my life must open for others. Only then I can be free…

I am looking forward to meeting Nina now. She has a big interview today and is very nervous. I’m her moral support.

I feel good. I am alive.

This is my yellow brick road.

C2M

[C2M]

slipped today. Fear and self pity got the better of me.

Something magical that Namesate wrote in a tread put things helps to put things into perspective -

A man was taking a rather long walk into town on a warm Saturday afternoon. Along the way he passes a few friends relaxing in the sun and stops to chat for a few minutes before he continues on into town. He was really enjoying himself and thought to himself how happy he was that he decided to take this walk. As he looks up at the beautiful blue sky, he suddenly trips over a rock hidden by some deep grass. He takes a rather hard fall and after cursing his misfortune he turns around to head back home. On his return his friends asked him if he had forgotten something...he said "no I have to start over...I tripped" and continued back to his house. His friends looked at each other puzzled as to why he would start over after having made so much progress."

So instead of dwelling on my slip I must build on my PROGRESS i made during my 25 days clean. During that period I had some of the most magical feelings I had ever felt in my life. It needs building on. I will build upon it!

C2M

[iwanttoquit]

hey chap, exactly as Namaste says.. pick yo' self up and on your way!

given what you're trying to achieve I don't know if going to parties with the intention of getting laid is very healthy.. could it be that your brain wasn't allowing you to freely engage withthe flow of conversations because it was just shouting "take her and side and s3x her!!" (repeat ad infinitum)
just imho

stick with it, you've got a good base to build on

[C2M]

iwanttoquit said:

hey chap, exactly as Namaste says.. pick yo' self up and on your way!

given what you're trying to achieve I don't know if going to parties with the intention of getting laid is very healthy.. could it be that your brain wasn't allowing you to freely engage withthe flow of conversations because it was just shouting "take her and side and s3x her!!" (repeat ad infinitum)
just imho

stick with it, you've got a good base to build on

lol thanx for the input buddy. I've been partying a lot these days all I seem to do when I go is huddle around known female freinds or keep a liquer bottle as company shunning any real activity...


On a worst note I slipped again but will forever pursue my goal.

C2M
On a worst

[Namaste]

Hey C2M,

On a worst note I slipped again but will forever pursue my goal.

You read my journal, so I'll do the same for you. The above quote reflects what has kept me going for so long. I'm in this for the long-run. A slip is just a slip, but the joys that come with continued recovery will last a lifetime.

With loving kindness,
Namaste

[iwanttoquit]

hehe, just listening to some Green Day and thought I'd drop by to give you some encouragement. Sorry to hear about the slip, just keep plugging away and look forward to being free.

all the best

[C2M]

Day 0

I apologize to all for the negative nature of this post.

I have had a couple of big slips including prostitutes. To make matters worst I throughly enjoyed 'acting out'.

Pre-slip I was feeling uninspired, helpless, scared and alone. Post slip I will admit to feeling detoxed for a while, however I am very much still spiritually and now it seems mentally polluted.

Defeatism seems to be taking over. How long can this continue? How many more loveless, empty days of self-ridicule, fear, depravity, frustration and embarrassment will I have to endure. Am I cursed? Was I that evil in my past life?

Currently its a toss between tying myself to a railway track at rush hour or somersaulting off the top of London Bridge, either way both will be more dignifying than my cowardly charade I currently call my life.

I do not have the guts to carry out such acts at the moment but if things continue like this, who knows?

Life is a game of snakes and ladders. However I feel like sliding down one endlessly long snake.

c2m

[C2M]

My rude awakening

I was going to title this entry 'Born on the fourth of July' my addict mind cunningly knows that I fall for these gimmicky challenges so as to
further waste my precious time in porno world.

Gimmicks? Well instead of that I got a big slap in the face and boy does it sting. Tonight, well about 20minutes or so ago I got off the phone after speaking to Purple, the 17yr old girl I have been recently infatuated with. To cut a long story short she labeled me a JOKE.

A (expletive)ing joke! Who the (expletive) is she! But what infuriates me is that her opinions are probably shared by almost everyone I know.

Why am I not part of any social groups? Why do I have very few treasured experiences and most of all Why don't I have a girlfriend???

Is it because people see me as a joke? Is it because people see me and think "Phew, I'm glad I'm not him"?

I do not think I am a joke. I think I am perfectly normal, in fact I think I am specially gifted and have an ocean of potential.

But when you have been labeled and cursed in a certain way all your life, you are bound to be paranoid and hence close yourself up.
This in turn limits your standard of living, social skills, esteem levels in general.

I ran to porn because it was alive, exciting and I was winning. Outside of my fantasy world I was labeled a loser, but in my own little world I was winning. All the women who discarded me as either hideous or just plain invisible, were naked in front of me being humiliated, embarrassed and abused. This was my sadistic revenge. I was seeing that iconic celebrity, naked. That perfect human form being dehumanized.

All this the thoughts of a saddo. But I am not sad, I am just finding comfort. But delusional comfort expires and evaporates. I am not a disillusioned person. I know that porn has to stop and I am fighting this. It is hard doing it alone.

So now you know why I porn. I porn simply to escape, to find comfort, to 'win'. Porn however makes me a loser.

And I refuse to concede to this.

Let me describe myself. I am pudgy, round, have a double chin, wear glasses and have buck teeth. Hardly the features of an Adonis in most peoples eyes.

But I am still not a joke.

I do a donuts job for a living, I sleep in a bunk bed with my kid brother and haven't got two pennies to rub to together.

But I am still not a joke.

I have few friends, no social life, don't drive and had a porn collection that would have embarrassed Larry Flynt.

But I am still not a joke.

My addiction is such that I cannot go 10 minutes unsupervised in front of the television or online without passively or overtly searching for titillation.

But I am still not a joke.

I was bullied at school to the extent that I tried to kill myself by drinking a bottle of washing up liquid. I left high school with zero grades.

But I am still not a joke.

I haven't had a gf for 7 years. The only sex I have is with prostitutes. A feeble 30 days is my record so far for intentionally abstaining from mb or porn.


OK, OK I AM A (expletive)ING JOKE!!!

Thank you Purple, the Emperors clothes have have been presented and he is truly naked.

Life is not a joke. It is not to be taken lightly. I am a soft touch and have to hit harder, none more harder then on myself. I am not a joke, I believe in myself and I will succeed.

I AM NOT A JOKE.

This is my yellow brick road.

[Ian06]

I porn simply to escape, to find comfort, to 'win'. Porn however makes me a loser.

Hey C2M

Saw your journal and I decided to visit, reading everything you wrote.

Just wanted to say that I can relate to your feelings, man. I relate to the quote above. I used porn to find comfort, to escape, to win. I know the feelings.

I just wanted to lend you my support, C2M. I'm happy to check in with you journal, read and post. We can't do this alone.

I've gone years without girlfriends as well. I was also using porn & masturbation during those periods to help me with my lonliess, isolation, depression. I am single at the moment again. Which seems to be a positive, since I'm able to take care of myself -- for me -- and not lose myself in someone's life. Or something like that.

Please keep journaling. As much as you can. I believe it helps. And you write very well. Articulate yourself extremely well. It's a great tool for you in your recovery -- keep using it. Put it all out on paper. I keep two journals -- one here online, and one at home. They both help. This is the first time in my entire life that I've been so motivated to do so much writing, journaling. It's astounding that I've kept up the ritual for almost 1 1/2 years. But it helps me a lot. Put things into perspective. Blow off steam. Vent and swear. Let go. Forgive myself. Take care of myself. Learn how to love myself.

Take care, C2M. It's going to see you posting.

Ian06

[beginning]

Hi C2M:

There is a nobility in your suffering. Who the hell does Purple think she is, anyway?

We all have flaws, yes, but we also have our dignity and oceans of potenital, as you said.

I've just binged and feel bad about myself, but reading what you wrote inspired me.

Best wishes,
beginning

[C2M]

Thanks Ian and Beginning to your warm and encouraging words.

Ian I will admit that I have marinated some of your poetic yet detailed and chronicled writing into this journal. Expressing my misery and my joy until I reach that peaceful stability of 'happiness' is what I intend to achieve. I feel honored to have you reading.

Beginning we almost have a sibling like relationship on this board, both as indisciplined as one another but both refusing to accept defeat! LOL

Today is a new day on my road to recovery.

C2M

[C2M]

Day 1

I am writing this from an internet cafe in the middle of the sex capital of London. Not here intentionally but need to be here for the work I do. Being surrounded by brothels and sex shops makes it all the more convenient to 'slip' into my fiendish ways.

Only today for example I went 'investigating' in a brothel to make an inquiry about a possible purchase. Luckily or unluckily my bank balance was insufficient hence I couldn't place an order of lust...

So today I was 'clean' due to external circumstances and not necessarily will power. But who cares, clean is clean.

Plodding along I had yet another eureka moment, however what was different to others I had is that this made so much sense. WHY must I be obligated to act the way I do? WHY do I feel compelled to be compelled? WHY can't I Just do it? There are people out there doing acts of courage, strength and dignity everyday and here I am struggling with this embarrassing lifestyle.


This lifestyle is MY choice, this addiction is MY choice. Yes circumstances may have pushed me toward this lifestyle but ultimately I need to understand that I am still in control. My negative, cynical, pessimist behavior is such because I am comfortable with it. I live in an unpressurized environment with no real responsibilities.

I am accepting of my situation. There is no urgency in my behavior, I move lethargically through life expecting my calling to arrive. The truth is that -

NO ONE IS COMING, THERE IS NO SAVIOUR AND MOST IMPORTANTLY THERE IS NO TOMORROW.

I am alone with everybody and it is down to ME to end my depression it is down to ME to gain strength.


No one is superior to me and I fear nothing.There is nothing I cant do, there is nothing I cannot achieve. Can't is now a banned word.

This is my yellow brick road.

C2M

[beginning]

cry2me said:

Thanks Ian and Beginning to your warm and encouraging words.


Beginning we almost have a sibling like relationship on this board, both as indisciplined as one another but both refusing to accept defeat! LOL

Today is a new day on my road to recovery.

C2M

Thanks C2M:

Very true. Here's to the view from the mountain top, brother!

Take care,
beginning

[C2M]

Day 0