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Post by JohnG on Feb 1, 2008 6:05:25 GMT -5
DAY 1
I put clean sheets on the bed last night. I made the bed again this morning. I had not made my bed in close to three weeks.
I am now registered at the new site under my old name (JohnG). I don't feel like posting there yet. It would suit me fine if I believed that not a single soul was reading what I am writing here now. I will have to come out of isolation some time but I don't want to just now.
JohnG
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Post by MrOuch on Feb 1, 2008 7:45:35 GMT -5
JG,
Thanks for telling us you live. Take the all the time you need. Your friends have been patiently waiting and will continue to do so.
MrOuch
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Post by JohnG on Feb 1, 2008 10:30:34 GMT -5
I have been reading here and on the new board.
My mind is kind of clouded. I don't remember what I was feeling/going through when I began my relapse in November. I don't really remember what it felt like when I wasn't acting out. I remember that I was happier but that is about it.
I read through page 86 on my journal and just feel numb. So many people who care but I only feel embarrassed at my own lack of gratitude as I read their words. I read my own words from long ago and they seem to have been written by another person - and perhaps they were.
A couple of days ago it occurred to me that I could no longer remember what it felt like to enjoy coming to the board. I thought perhaps that it was an obsession whose time had passed and that if that were the case I would be in trouble because I had never found anything else that helped me. In light of that fear I am glad (I guess) that I am here today. I still have it in me to post something.
This addiction is definitely progressive (if there were any doubt). I can remember years ago when I could go for days at a time without masturbating or looking at porn just because I wanted to. I can no longer do that (merely by the force of my will anyway). Since I relapsed I have masturbated anywhere from one to four times a day and have sometimes lost entire days in which I have done little else.
February 2
I am still here but just barely. A friend told me today that I should at least go through the motions - get into action, drag my butt back here, and the feelings and desire will follow. If I wait for the feelings I could be waiting for a long time. He is right. So in spite of having acted out again last night and not seeing the point right now and feeling no desire to be here, I will do so anyway.
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Post by Curious Voyager on Feb 1, 2008 11:02:36 GMT -5
I know.
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