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Post by Stillhopeful on Nov 9, 2007 0:55:42 GMT -5
Have a great weekend, Tom. It is sunny and quite warm over here so I imagine it's the same where you are?
best wishes!
Still
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Post by tomlincolnsixecho on Nov 10, 2007 18:39:36 GMT -5
Thanks Still. It was and still is sunny not too hot and not cold. Its great weather at the moment, but I still don't mind when it rains, we need some.
Firstly on Saturday morning, I started to get bored, I decided to watch less television, I didn't turn it on, I couldn't do it, I didn't find anything I wanted to do, I was so bored. I didn't know what to do. I started watching tv but turned off the computer.
I then went out, I had a meeting to go to at 5pm and it was 11, I just had to get out of the house. I took my camera and went out looking for some interesting shots to take. While I was driving I had the strange thought, that I've had a few times before, I started to think, whats the point of anything, I couldn't see a reason for anything, and I seemed to lose all motivation for doing anything. I can't explain anything other than that or what that all means.
I got to the city and walked down to the mall, I walked up and down 2 times, and all I was doing was looking at the women, It was a hot day and they were dressed to the weather. I did get a couple of things while I was there, but then decided I was there for the wrong reasons. I got out of there, I went out of the mall and started taking some photos, which is what I wanted to do. I am glad that I took no photos of women, while I was in the city. I was tempted to do on one occasion but I didn't.
The meeting was good, it was good to get there and talk to other people and their problems, and was good for me that I wasn't the only one struggling. Had it not been for the meeting, I probably would have stayed in the city, or gone to the beach, looking for particular women, or even hanging around taking photos. I then probably would have gone home, and downloaded porn til sunrise. I got a few more contacts to call, which is great.
I started to think that my whole idea of saving all of my money for a nice holiday, it might be a better idea to balance things a bit better. There is no point being unhappy 350 days of the year and then 15 days of the year enjoying myself. Each day should be as good as the next, and material things mean nothing. I am desperately seeking friendships, and relationships. I know they are really important in my recovery. I have learnt that material things haven't made me happy, how could I have thought that they would?
First thing Sunday morning, I got up after having a good sleep in, I got some thoughts and vivid images of particular women. Straight away I wanted to go to the beach, I wanted to look at women, even take the camera and shoot them. I got out of bed, and decided it would be good to come on here and post. As soon as I turned on the computer I got a particular site in my head and so badly wanted to get on there and download some videos. I still have thoughts now on going on there, But I know I can't If I do I will be back to the start, and I know thats where I don't want to be. I have goals, and maybe they need to wait a bit longer, so I can enjoy other things, but I can't act out, I know what happens when I do, and I dont want that.
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Post by tomlincolnsixecho on Nov 12, 2007 5:09:57 GMT -5
Today I was back at work, and I had a bit of extra work to do today, so I didn't get home until 6pm, so that was good, kept me out of trouble. A few thoughts ran throughout my head all day, and even when I got home, I didn't watch much television, and I didn't get online for any purposes aiding my addictions. I'm struggling but fighting hard. Its seems as if the longer I go in my recovery, the harder it gets. I think its great that I have resisted temptation. I'm proud of that.
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Post by tomlincolnsixecho on Nov 15, 2007 4:02:09 GMT -5
I haven't been online for a few days, Things are busy at work, I am staying away from temptations and yes they are there. I have the meeting to goto on Saturday, and I'm staying strong, I must be committed to this if I want to get out of this mess. Ive been pretty angry and frustrated lately. But I must be proud of what I have achieved so far, and in the resisting of temptation.
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Post by tomlincolnsixecho on Nov 18, 2007 3:43:48 GMT -5
Things have been tough......Real tough. I could have nearly slipped, I've been really frustrated and angry at everything. I'm entering one of my best recovery efforts. Friday I got home and stayed away from any acting out online. I went to bed early as I had to work in the morning. It was a hot and long day. I got home and had an hour to decide if I was going to go to the meeting. I decided not to, for the fact that I was not in the mood to drive for an hour to go to a meeting when it was well over 100. I just took it easy, either watching the tv or using the computer but not both. I found myself watching the television where a particular movie came on for its sexual fantasy themes, I got caught up for a little while watching the story line, but turned it off before anything that would hook me in came on. I didn't do much for the rest of the night and it was quite frustrating. I didn't feel like doing anything at all. All day today its much of the same kind of heat. I've been sitting in the lounge watching tv and on the computer but keeping away from temptations. I have a lot of thoughts racing through my head however. This seems harder than ever, and its quite frustrating because I don't want to do anything.
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Post by tomlincolnsixecho on Nov 19, 2007 1:44:09 GMT -5
I look at my 100 Days thread, and I see 21 days. Have I made mistakes? Yes, Have I done things I shouldn't have done? Yes, have I seeked material for my addictions? Yes. The one thing I am still very proud of is that I have ended the problem before It got out of control. I have on a few occasions seeked out shows on television, and twice looked for actresses on the internet. However where I would then head off to Youtube and then P sites. I have stopped myself and come on the board. I'm not perfect, I was thinking so much before coming on for this post about acting out and downloading P. This is very tough but I am still holding some strength. I'm struggling, I'm frustrated, now is the time, to recharge, and to stay on my feet. I must build strength when I'm out in public, this could be by not looking at women for my sexual needs. And perhaps going down a more positive path.
I'm still in this and I'm happy that I'm still trying and havent given up.
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Post by tomlincolnsixecho on Nov 28, 2007 4:13:51 GMT -5
I seemed to be doing farily well. I think I had made it all the way to day 26. I had a number of moments throughtout that recovery period where I was on the verge of acting out. A number of times I found myself going out of my way to look at women for my needs.
I spent a great deal of time in frustration and anger. Although I got myself out of that, it didn't stop me from slipping. The fact is If I'm not having any fun, I'm angry and frustrated, I'm not doing something right. And I don't care how long I go without acting out, I must remain positive and find hapiness.
Toward the end of my sobriety period, I found myself fantasizing every day for several days, thinking about various things. On Friday, I started checking out female profiles on the internet, and the next thing I was downloading all sorts of things, I MB, and that was the end of my recovery period. The next day I did it all again.
Tuesday I was losing it again, I had gone out, and I found myself looking at women who were running through the park. I then started to fantasize over and over. when I got home around about 930. I started looking up all of the stuff, I looked at over the weekend. I then started searching up escort pages. I started to fantasize about going overseas for my fantasies. I make a fair recovery period and end right back at the start. Although I was clean, there were plenty of things I did which I want to stop. And that is the obsessive behavior. I was online until 3am. I had to go to work at 6. I almost decided not to go to work. I paid the price, I felt like crap all day. All morning I fantasized big time. I was thinking about the prostitutes, dominatrix etc that I could see, going overseas for my obsessions. I managed after I got myself together, to decide, when I got home to do a series of things, some of these included coming on the board, and ringing a member from my meetings. Its pretty obvious I slip when I don't do the things I'm meant to.
Toward the last 5 days of my recovery I had stopped posting on the board with regularity, and I missed the last two weeks of my meetings. The first time because I had worked all day and it was hot and I couldn't be bothered. The second time because I spent with my family.
Right now I'm finding it very hard to get motivated. Even though I had a plan from when I got home, I wanted so badly to act out and get straight into the downloading again. I knew however I had to get sleep and I couldn't get caught up again in the mess I made the previous night.
I know there is so much more for me out there. I am fearing so much that with my recent obsessions and fantasizing, I might forget about the important things and fly off into dangerous territory. I've already been fantasizing about going overseas for my obsessions.
I need to build strength. The first thing I'm going to do after this post is to call a member, make my committment to the meeting on Saturday. Do a few things I've missed during the week, get back into the same mode I was in while I had built strength early in my recovery.
Reading my key notes every morning. Doing my exercises every morning attending my meetings Making some calls during the week.
I also want to stop the obsessive behavior in public. this needs to stop, I quite often fall apart at these times.
I'm over my anger and frustration with slipping otu, now its time for some action, I have to keep on fighting.
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Post by tomlincolnsixecho on Nov 29, 2007 6:55:47 GMT -5
I'm trying to get back on track. I'm on here late because I have worked all day, had one hour before going to basketball, came home and made myself lunch for tomorrow as I didnt' want to waste money on junk food.
Some wild thoughts have crept through, I've let them go, but they are definitely still there. I know I have to change and do something different. I think this starts with reading my notes and taking action on them. I have to be strong, realise my goals, but realise this over and over again every day. The meeting on Saturday is absolutely paramount. I have to get some confidence, and become more sociable.
A few problems for me today. The two or three times, I got thoughts in my head and didnt let them escape. I started to think about it for a minute, but then got rid of them. I can't let my thoughts get to me.
I got involved in conversations involving talk about p, and sex, and women. I did realise however that this was wrong, and exited the conversations.
I'm fortunate that I haven't had time to breathe, I haven't had a chance to act out which is good for now.
I realized a couple of things today. One that scared me was who I could become if I kept following this destructive path. There is a person I work with and I was talking to them about porn, but I was doing this for my own source of information. They are 42 living at home with their parents, and they have no desire for real relationships, so they say. They involve themselves with porn constantly. I can only go by what he said, but I definitely don't want to be this person when I'm older, and this scares me.
The second was interesting, I was talking to a friend, and we got into a big converstation and I built a lot of confidence by talking to them. I actually spoke about my problems. and I got a lot out of it. From what I'm gathering a lot of guys don't consider porn a problem, they actually find it quite fine. However its a problem for me because I lose control of myself when I'm acting out. I started to realise that a few of the social things I'm involving myself in, are a big oppportunity for me to meet plenty of new people and make something of my life. Instead of thinking negatively, I can think positively, and make something of the social groups. I have to remain strong, I want to achieve my goals, I can't do that if I keep acting out.
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Post by tomlincolnsixecho on Dec 11, 2007 18:24:05 GMT -5
I've done a good period of some 20+days then its constant slippng for me. I've made no ground at all, and just when I think I'm back on track, and thinking positively I slip. Last night, I kept getting the urges, but ignoring them until I gave in. once I give in I never get out. I just have no strength in getting out of those urges.
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Post by tomlincolnsixecho on Dec 14, 2007 7:19:20 GMT -5
I was half way through my post and my housemate come home, that pissed me off, And I had to shut down the explorer. This something I don't want anyone I know to know, I want to keep it to the board and my meetings. That way the people that I talk to probably wont (expletive) On me, as I know from previous encounters that it happens. I've been trying to keep sober, but honestly I'm in day 2 or 3 and I can't honestly say I'm doing enough, I am going to the meeting tomorrow no excuses. I did my morning excercises on the first day but haven't done them over the next 2 so in the morning I'm doing them, and I'm staying positive, I've felt a little bit of negativity creeping in, but the great thing is that the positivity is still there, and I'm realising when I'm not being positive and doing something about it. Its Friday night and yes I am at home alone, I got a new video game, and I've been playing that, I did a few things, and finally the house is starting to look tidy, I Have a few more tasks to do tomorrow. I didn't come onto the board until later in the night, I should have come on first thing, but no problems to report.
I'm here, and one change I'm making is to make the effort to read other posts and to comment on them. The big thing I'm noticing is that how much I can relate to other peoples posts. I'm also learning from their mistakes, and trying to make sure it doens't happen to me. Socially things are going well, and my confidence is definitely improving. I believe my Confidence level is at 5/100, my aim is to get that up to 90. and have full confidence, no fear in talking to people and just enjoying myself.
Tomorrow is a busy day and thats the way I like it, then Sunday I want to go out and take some photographs, I have to make an effort and not just talk about it like Iv'e done for the last year and a half. I have to make an effort to contact others and become more socially active, That is a big goal for me. Its something Ive never been good at, so importantly I need to break that fear. I know breaking fears banishes them, why would you fear it anymore.
I'm about to fall asleep and I'm not downloading porn. YAY!
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Zed
Full Member
Posts: 101
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Post by Zed on Dec 14, 2007 9:58:21 GMT -5
Hey, thanks for reading my entry. It was really encouraging for me today. You know, one time I talked to a counselor about this problem, and she asked me if I ever did anything ELSE intimate for myself. I asked her what she meant, and she basically said that a habit like this is usually caused out of a desire for intimacy, but just because I was single (I don't know if you're single) didn't mean I couldn't be intimate. She said anything from having a hot chocolate to going for a walk can be an intimate substitute for my habit. That was the first time I've ever heard that idea; I hope you can think about it.
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Post by tomlincolnsixecho on Dec 16, 2007 6:34:22 GMT -5
Hey Zed. Thankyou for coming to my journal. I find the intamacy thing interesting. Finding time for myself, and appreciating life for everything it has to offer.
This weekend has been rather dull, I hate getting to the end of the weekend and reflecting back and everything I talk about before the weekend, or during the previous week, just doesn't happen. At least the most important things anyway. I think what got me through was my new video game, in which I spent 3-4 hours a day over the weekend. I hardly used the computer. And I had maybe a few urges, suprisingly I had some urges reading posts on here.
I know being at home alone is the biggest danger area for me but I still do nothing but talk about it, I'm always like I must do this I must do that. I do know how I can't complete my recovery on my own from brute strength, It just doesn't happen.
I did do a big thing this weekend, and taht was to get back to the meetings, It was a pity that only Four people were in attendance. I still got the chance to talk about my problems however.
Today I wrote a list down of things I'd like to accomplish. I didn't even start any of them until 4pm as I was playing my video game. I then got them all done, except for the clothes off the line, I'm still happy, I had a dirty fridge, that got cleaned well, I'm happy for that because I know it was a terrible job and I didn't want to do it. I had a pretty big workout and I know I'm going to be sore tomorrow.
I am just thinking now, what I am going to do, Ok I know I need huge things to happen to get my recovery on the roll. I want to prove to myself that I'm serious. Tomorrow
1. I will do my hour of power, I realise that this is important, and that it keeps me alive and positive. 2. I want to be positive all day, and my goal is not to be abusive, yell carry on or swear. I want to be respectful of people as I would want them to treat me. 3. I MUST make 3 phone calls, no excuses, It will happen. 4. I will stay clean
I'm already going out tomorrow, so I know I'm going to be socialising, but I will make an effort to be sociable, and not to sit in the corner and avoid conversation.
I know I want to keep things going one day at a time, but I am aware that my weekends revolve around me sitting at home completely alone. This weekend is going to change, I make this committment, and it WILL happen, I am going to get in contact with people over the weekend, I am going to go out, even if its going out to dinner with friends, I am doing something and going out. Saturday I go to the meetings, and Sunday I am going out and taking some photos. I'm not going to be a slave to my armchair.
It is important for me to stay strong and true to my recovery, I must do everything I need to do tomorrrow to stay clean.
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Post by tomlincolnsixecho on Dec 18, 2007 1:55:47 GMT -5
Today I had a day off work which was a potentially dangerous time, as I have to be honest, I haven't done a lot to keep my strength up high. I've spent the day at home, and have had a fair bit of no time. The only really productive thing I've done is do the dishes, and get on the board. I have spent most of the time playing my new video game, which I enjoy greatly, but I know that a time will come where the game isn't as enjoyable, this is why I need to keep my guard up and stay strong. I can not afford to take it casually and slip up.
I have had some difficulty in waking up for obvious reasons, I still am ignoring any thoughts, and keeping true to myself.
One thing I am happy with is last night, although it wasn't as good as I'd have liked, I was sociable, and met some new people, and I actually got into a conversation, that is helping me out now, in some goals I want to achieve, Its funny how you get talking to someone, and they have links, connections, that help you in your goals.
Today I made two phone calls, had a good conversation, tonight I'm off to play basketball, hopefully I meet some new people there.
I do realise strength is the key I must keep on doing the things that bring me strength. I aim for tomorrow to make sure I do the things I must do. Tonight I am aware that there are potential dangers, I must make sure I follow the right path, and not get caught up in the wrong scene.
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Post by tomlincolnsixecho on Dec 18, 2007 2:20:50 GMT -5
I thought I would repost.
I went back to the start of my journal to read, and I quite literally, had to turn my head away, reading the s@*t I wrote about. It has really made me think about how bad things have been for me. It really disturbs me like I've never experienced before. It scares the hell out of me. When I reflect back on the last year, almost a year to the start of this journal. I wonder what is it over this last year have I really achieved.
1. Basketball, I've started playing that and I absolutely enjoy that, I've become sociable with several people but havne't made an effort to branch off into frendships, or anything outside the basketball itself. 2. Ive taken up photography, which I absolutely enjoy, I have also made another group, inwhich I haven't branched out yet. 3. I have started going to meetings, I stopped but then started again, by finding a way to get to some.
These are the things that come to mind, I honestly can't say much else has really happend for me.
I havne't made any new friends, people I can talk to I havne't been involved in any relationships I still don't communicate well with others, particularly my family. I'm still in a job in which I don't really enjoy and have no real desires for. I still don't socialise much although it is improving with my newly formed groups. I havnent' really fulfilled any great goals.
I look at this list and it disturbs me as constantly I would write in notepads and online, about how I would do this and would do that, but it quite obviously never happens. At least I can reflect constructively on this and say well what do I want to change, and everything that is on that list of things I havne't really achieved, needs to change. I quite simply at the end of the next year be saying you know what.......wow, I did it. I can do this by keeping the strength, being honest, and taking on challenges, even if I am bruised and battered
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anew
Junior Member
"We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act but a habit." - Aristotle
Posts: 80
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Post by anew on Dec 18, 2007 2:41:03 GMT -5
At least I can reflect constructively on this and say well what do I want to change, and everything that is on that list of things I havne't really achieved, needs to change. I quite simply at the end of the next year be saying you know what.......wow, I did it. I can do this by keeping the strength, being honest, and taking on challenges, even if I am bruised and battered You have begun your journey since coming to this board/working on your personal sobriety. This is good - do not let any thoughts you have of unfulfilled goals diminish, or take this away from you. It is yours now - hold onto it. Sobriety also fits into your other goals. That said, I am experiencing similar feelings - there are several things that I haven't achieved this year. That needs to change - for me the first step is removing things that kept me from achieveing those things - P, MB and procrastination in general. The next step that for me needs to happen is to work on my goals - you've begun on this one already - you've joined Photography and basketball groups. This is incredibly postive - don't give up on these groups. Keep the strength, and keep up these challenges throughout the coming year and I'm sure you will achieve your goals. I find goal achievement is incredibly cumulative - as you get initial successes, more and more develop. Judging by the 100 days thread you are almost/are at a week. Congratulations on this milestone - whether or not you've gotten here before, be happy you've achieved this. I'll be checking in here often - I may/may not post, but I will be watching your recovery and I wish you luck. Stay strong.
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