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Post by JohnG on Mar 25, 2007 12:05:49 GMT -5
How is it going TomLincoln? Are you still doing well?
JohnG in Barcelona
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Post by dj2005 on Mar 26, 2007 12:55:33 GMT -5
hey tom! i was so glad to hear from you. congrats on your continued growth, and i think it's great what you are doing by keeping your internet connection unplugged. you are finding strategies that work. also- tony robbins is awesome! he has so much valuable stuff to share. have you watched the movie "the secret"? it has some great stuff along those lines. it's even made by an aussie i think...
peace, dj
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Post by tomlincolnsixecho on Mar 27, 2007 6:44:31 GMT -5
Hey guys thanks for staying in tune.
Firstly I slipped on the day I was last here, because I had the internet left on. So I pulled the plug and refused to use the internet at all. However when the time was near, I grabbed the cord, even after reading through my letter. It seems that I have to change my way of thinking, but I don't know how. I can do all sorts of things, plans, etc, but I can't give myself the strength to resist temptation at those tough times. Those times where your mind is going crazy with fantasies.
I have asked for strength, and I have asked for a massive challenge to conquer. If I can beat a big challenge, it may help me build some strength. I'm trying to get more active, meet new people, and find ways to meet new people without resorting to going to hotels, which is where I don't want to go. I still don't drink.....Funny that I have no desires to drink, and yet alcohol can bring escape to reality.
I realise that there are a number of things I want in life, and I know if I continue down this path I may never get them. And I want to make these things the most important things in my efforts.
I'm still getting up pretty much every morning and doing 200 situps first thing. I have some discipline in that, so why can't I say no to my desires.
Anyway. I'm here, and I need strength, I want to succeed. and I must make the effort. I must build the strength to say NO to temptation tonight and tomorrow.
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Post by tomlincolnsixecho on Apr 18, 2007 6:30:12 GMT -5
Hey guys
I'm back. I never gave up while away, but I never made it past a week. It would be clean for 4-5 days, then crash and burn over the weekend.
I tried to pull the plug on the internet but no luck I just overrode it.
I have no strength. I get to the point where I am home and I see the computer i think about it for a minute, then bang I'm totally gone.
I want to kill this addict in me, I hate him, and I want to kill him. I'm not going to the thursday meetings, as I decided socialising was important, and since I hate the pub scene, I started up a basketball team, and am meeting plenty of new people.
Ive been keeping fit lately, and still 5 days at least a week doing 200+situps first thing in the morning. I have regrettably stopped the Anthony Robbins method, I should be doing it.
One real hard thing is not drinking. Not because I am desperate to drink, but due to the peer pressure, I get asked to go somewhere, and all the people will be doing is drinking, and I know I want to go out and meet people, its a bit of a conundrum for me.
I really want the strength. I am going to enquirre tomorrow about the Saturday meetings, as it is important I at least go one every week. I need that strength to say no and do something else when I am tempted, just like I am right now. but that is all I'm signing out and about to eat tea.
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Post by JohnG on Apr 29, 2007 16:04:50 GMT -5
How's it going TomLincoln?
Check in more often or are you still without internet?
If you don't want to drink don't drink and don't take any (expletive) from anyone about it. I have been off the booze for 14 years and if someone says, "have a drink!" I say no thanks. If they repeat themselves, I say, "I said no." That usually puts an end to that nonsense.
Your bud,
JohnG
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Post by JohnG on Apr 29, 2007 16:05:30 GMT -5
Oh yeah, and are you getting to meetings? Saturday?
Me
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Post by tomlincolnsixecho on May 5, 2007 21:30:25 GMT -5
Firstly thanks JG for replying to my post, its good to see that you still care to write to me, after disappearing.
I must say this. I don't think setting all of these rules are going to assist in my recovery. I've found in doing so, I just find new ways to break the rules I set, I mean thats what I did when I was a child, I mean a rule is there to be broken if you really desire to.
I tried unplugging the internet. It worked for a while, I had a nice little message wrapped around the cable, warning me of the consequences. I would try to get online, and then realise I didn't have a connection, I would stop and yes it did work. But after a few times, I started to go to the box, and think for about ten minutes about going into the box. I didn't for a while. But then I found myself going into the box. I read the message the first time, and just threw it away and I had lost the battle. The second time I tried this, I just ignored the message and went online. So I can establish that no matter how many rules I set, I'm only going to break them.
A couple of times I'd wonder, why can't I say no..........I think about it, and wonder and it perplexes me, as saying no isn't really a hard thing to do.
I'm not sure how long I've been away for, but I would never get past seven days. I would constantly get to the weekend and slip up all weekend. and it wouldn't be until three or four slips, that it started to sink in how miserable I would feel.
The last time I slipped was Wednesday last week. I think what's kept me going is an obsession with something positive, that is inspiring me for something more. I've never felt this before, I've been through many moments in my life, where I have gone through phases of interest, and then ended up quitting because I didn't really like it. One example of this was golf. I started practicing golf, because I was bored, and I didn't have anything I enjoyed. I would practice day after day, and get interested in everything about golf, after a couple of months, I realised I didn't really like golf at all.
I've gotten back into basketball, and I hadn't played in over ten years. Since getting back into it, I'm enjoying it more than anything I've ever enjoyed. I've been on Youtube for hours and hours on end, with a newly set up account, and downloaded nothing but basketball videos, and they are inspiring me so much. Watching Michael Jordan and DR J videos, I'm so inspired, and its making me want to do more, not just in playing basketball but in life.
I used to just play basketball, and tried my best of course, but never strived to be any better. I'm learning so much at the moment, about how I can become a better player and what I can do. I don't want to play without learning some finer quality skills. The frustrating part was starting to learn some really cool moves, then not being able to play at all. I think though that this is making me stronger, and I am more desperate to get back into it. Even though I can't walk, I'm here at home dribbling the ball in my chair, on one leg, practicing my shot, doing everything I can. If I went through my life obsessed about basketball, and spent time with others weekly socialising, I would be so happy. So much more than wasting it away on P.
about day three I was at the weekend, I resisted all urges, and was online and right by the computer watching television. I'm still struggling to get out and socialise. I don't like going to the hotels and being around drunkards. So I am trying to find things do to that don't involve drinking or being around people that are drinking.
As for the Saturday meetings, no I haven't been to any yet. I should I know, but I haven't.
I have had unrestricted access to all of my fantasies on youtube, I could have acted out all week, but I haven't, I haven't moved an inch. There have been a couple of times watching television, or getting an email, that has aroused my attention. The worst I have done is googled an actress, but I kept it at that.
On Thursday been I seriously injured my ankle, and I have been unable to walk since. I've been restricted to home the whole time, unable to go out, it was seriously frustrating, However I haven't slipped at all apart from the court. That I am proud. I'm now in day 11 of a clean recovery, and is the best in a long time. I want to be more active on the board, but not too active, at least once a day however if possible.
I know I haven't been past two weeks in a very long time, So I just have to stay strong, I just know how easy it is for everything to be lost in an instant.
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Post by JohnG on May 15, 2007 8:54:54 GMT -5
TomLincoln,
I am still reading and waiting for you to come back. How are you? Have you been to meetings? I had a rough patch last week - too complicated to explain here but I did not let myself slide into an even worse situation. I have gotten back on track and boy is it hard. But necessary. I don't want to go back to the way I was living before.
I wish you the best and hope that we hear from you soon.
Your friend always,
JohnG
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Post by tomlincolnsixecho on Jul 12, 2007 6:25:48 GMT -5
I've been getting back into it. I know I always say I will change but I don't I feel kinda stupid for it. I guess I can say I honestly want' trying hard enough, or exhausting all opportunities. A whole lot of talk.
I'm glad I came back and made a post, because It got me moving, and I started some action. I am in the process of wiping all of my holiday tapes. I don't want to throw them away I can reuse them. I cleared my Youtube account, stayed away from all vices, and I even said No to google imaging an actress I saw on tv, good work.
I've been walking 8km to and from work to keep fit, and it also gives me time to get my thoughts together and collect them in a positive manner.
I'm determined to make sure I don't slip up this weekend, I have failed every weekend for so long now. I have a plan and a number of things I am doing over the weekend, to make sure I don't slip up. I'm going out with friends, and I am making sure I keep busy. Im trying to clean a bit of the house and yard up at a time, and do lots of different things to keep me stimulated. There is nothing worse than trying to do just one thing.
I'm happy with my efforts so far, I know there is lots more to do, I know I have slipped up on a good mind so easily, Its up to me to say no at the slightest temptation, because that is always the path to destruction
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Post by tomlincolnsixecho on Jul 15, 2007 5:15:01 GMT -5
I have gone ok this week, I have taken the advice to get rid of my old holiday videos, I spent on the beach. I'm glad I did it, as its something I haven't done for over Four years now, and I've held on to them the whole time. I guess I'm proud of this. I haven't been clean over the weekend for months, so this is good.
Friday I did well, watched a bit of sport on tv, and went to bed early, Saturday I got up early washed my car and went to the football. It was a great day, I'm still looking at women inapropriately at times, however I'm not obsessing or staring over and over. Sunday was going to be the hard day, but I did well. I cleaned up all my junk, tidied up my room, and have kept myself occupied, without looking at stuff on the internet or tv. I had one urge to look up some stuff, but stayed away.
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Post by tomlincolnsixecho on Jul 20, 2007 19:37:16 GMT -5
Things are not good
I have done some stupid things. I could feel myself slipping away, but could do nothing to stop it, or should I say didn't do anything to stop it. It all started out with a thought in my head, which then I searched on google, but stopped. but over the next few days was doing it over and over. I started looking for a couple of dvds, which had certain scenes in it, I was on Youtube. Then on Thursday I think it was, we didn't have to play basketball, so guess what happened. Well what should have happened, is I should have gone to the support group but I didn't.
My night was spent on Youtube, to mb. However the worst part was that I found an ad for a dominant lady, which I was to see. Friday night came around, straight after work, I literally raced to get there, only to find out she was gone. I then went into the city, and walked around, with my addict in me trying to work out what to do now. I then walked into two brothels, looking for my fantasies, I didn't find any ladies that could satisfy me. (Yes I know, this is pathetic, and I hate myself for constantly doing it).
I then decided maybe instead I'd catch up with a friend, I called but they weren't coming out til later. So thats when I decided to go and see this mistress I had seen before, and well, thats where I went downhill. I actually remember during the time spent there, that I was thinking I wasn't really enjoying myself for a while. this was during being there, that the good in me was realising that this was bad news, and usually that doesn't come til later.
I was quite pissed off later on, couldn't believe what I had done, wasted good money when I knew I didn't want to. I want to get out of this BS. I've made some good progress lately, but thrown it all down the drain with this mess up.
I got home went to bed pretty much straight away. First thing in the morning I got out the notebook, and wrote down everything I have to do to stop this BS. I know that If I am to beat this I have to follow that list. One major thing for me is spending as little time doing nothing as possible. I've spent so much time sitting infront of the computer, tv doing nothing really in particular.
I Have to step in when the addict in my tries to take over. I know this point, because it consumes my thoguhts, this is when I need to take control.
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Post by JohnG on Jul 22, 2007 4:43:27 GMT -5
I Have to step in when the addict in my tries to take over. I know this point, because it consumes my thoguhts, this is when I need to take control. TomLincoln, I relapsed over a week ago. I binged for four days after not having looked at pornography for six months. Why? Quite simply because I stopped doing what I know works for me: meetings, reading recovery literature, prayer or meditation, reading and posting on the board, and talking to other recovering addicts on the phone frequently. My problems start when I stop doing these things. And for me at least, when the wave comes I will either fall because I have not done my work, or I will stand because I am well prepared. "Taking control" is a daydream. By the time I am at that point it is too late - what I have done over the past days and weeks will either prove to be enough or not. I have to stop thinking about what I will do tomorrow and actually do something today. What about your meetings? I know you have a work conflict. Have you done everything you can to resolve it? How about changing jobs? Sounds radical? How far are you willing to go to get better. I have gone as far as considering quite seriously the possibility that I may have to sell my house and move to a more populated area where I can get more meetings. For now I am just going to drive the 2+ hours round trip to get a second meeting each week. One is not enough for me especially given my geographical and social isolation. But make no mistake, if I had to choose between my "dream" house project and my sobriety I know where my priorities lie. I am not trying to tell you what to do. I am merely trying to communicate that if you really want to get better you may have to make some tough choices. But maybe it doesn't have to come to changing jobs. You could, for example, get more involved in the board community. You are not around here much. I have real and strong friendships here and have talked by phone to various members. I have invested a lot here and it has paid off in spades. But it is never enough for me to come here just when I am feeling bad. I have to come when I am well and I have to spend real time offering support to others. I have to be involved. Your friend always, JohnG
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Post by tomlincolnsixecho on Jul 22, 2007 6:16:48 GMT -5
Hey JG thanks for driving by.
I found I needed to socialize much more, rather than stay home and be so lonely in front of the tv or computer. I started up a basketball team, I am happy I did it because It keeps me going, and its a great time for me to get out and meet people without having to bother with the club scene, with alcohol. I hate that. Unfortunately I miss out on the meetings because they clash. I am making sure I go this week because we have no game. I know I must go and I must get some numbers, so I can keep in contact with some others with similar problems.
I was deeply disgusted with my behavior over the weekend. I had so many opportunities to stop. What annoys me most is that I have a vision, I know what I want to achieve, and then I throw a stake right through my own heart.
I'm not finding it hard over Saturday and Sunday, although I should have gone out. I did however get some cleaning and investment ideas worked out. I stayed away from p or acting out, even with the computer right in my face. I know I can't get rid of it, as much as I'd like, I need the computer, I have to be stronger though.
One thing that stands out this time, Is that probably on five occasions I started to think about the event with the mistresses. But within 2 seconds I would deny the thoughts, I don't remember ever doing that. Its this kind of strength that I hope I can build.
I have a busy week, I have a number of things I want to get completed, things to the house, I want to look at some investment opportunities. I have some organizing to do. I have a plan to uphold.
I think there is a support group on the weekend, however that is for couples, I'm not sure If I would be ok to go there as a non couple, or whether it would help me, But I would be willing to give it a go if it can help me leave this bs behind.
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Post by tomlincolnsixecho on Jul 25, 2007 7:35:10 GMT -5
I'm over this addiction and the crazy obsessions within me. For the first time, while I was acting out, I said this, and I thought what the Hell was I doing here? Its time I grew up, and I'm starting to realise this. I have done well this week, I've changed the way I'm going about things, Ive hardly been on the computer or television. I finally started completing some tasks I had been holding off for 2 years, I am starting to take action rather than to talk about it like I have done for so long. I am trying to get out at least three times a week, and spend as little idle time on the computer as possible.
I'm not interested in dp, Mb or acting out with a mistress. I have felt shame for myself before but not like I did with the most recent slip. It was a strange sort of shame, I was very upset with myself, and I felt so lowly of myself, something I had not experienced before. I had upset myself in a way I'm used to feeling from being upset from others.
I think I may have gotten an infection from my acting out, I guess I will find out if that is true when I see the doctor tomorrow. Just another reason for me to realise how important it is for me to change my behavior.
Its over the last couple of days that I've decided this whole game I'm playing, Its over. I'm over it and Its finished, bye bye addict. I have so many reasons to end it, and look forward to the good years to come.
I'm making this promise to myself, that I will no longer compromise my life, for this crap. I will not upset myself like that ever again, How dare I!!!
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Post by JohnG on Jul 25, 2007 10:03:15 GMT -5
TomLincoln,
Thanks for your post in my journal. It is good to see you around here more again. I missed you and while Still is not around that much anymore, there is lots of good support here. I probably spend too much time on this site but it goes a long way to keeping me safe. I am so invested in the friendships that I have here that I had great difficulty not coming around while I was acting out (and before). It felt like there was a big hole in my life. Unless and until I have access to a good alternative I will need to lean heavily on this board.
Getting involved with other people on here has helped me feel connected and feel accountable to the people I regularly interact with. I feel like I am a part of a community here - I have friends, acquaintances, people I never interact with but have "seen around." I have argued with people, supported people, been supported by others, cried at their stories or when they offer me a kind word... I have no idea where (or too good of an idea) I would be today without this community.
Please stick around. I certainly can't hurt.
Your friend,
JohnG
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