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Post by MrOuch on Jul 25, 2007 15:51:49 GMT -5
TL6E,
That's the spirit. Let's settle this thing once and for all. Life is too short to waste it on meaningless garbage (p*rn, SA, whatever). If we died tomorrow, who among us would say: "I wish I could have spent more time with my SA."
Peace
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Post by tomlincolnsixecho on Jul 26, 2007 2:33:47 GMT -5
Today I was feeling pretty strong, and I had no real desires to act out. However when I went out, on my way home, I saw an attractive lady walking down the street with a skirt on, and I was staring at her, and I was driving slowly so I could see her. This is when my mind started to wonder, and when I got home I got out the front of my yard and pretended to be on the phone so I could see her, but she didn't go past my house. I did what I had to do then I had to go out, I went around the block hoping I'd see her but I didn't. I was even thinking about getting my video recorder out so I could film her, that was just a thought which I denounced immediately. I at the sight of a female in a short skirt had lost my sense of direction.
I got back onto it, and went out like I was supposed to. From time to time I would still be thinking about her, but I would quickly try to abate those feelings. I went to the markets to get some food, and I was hopeless, I was looking at women all the time, I do think its ok to admire a female, but when you are staring thats another thing. I can honestly say I didn't start following any women around, and I was good, just looking more than I needed to.
I was within minutes of a mistress I had seen recently, and without realising it I had driven past the establishment, but I looked away, and didn't care. I'm happy with my ability to forget about some things, I am diappointed with not taking full control of myself in the situation early in the morning. ITs something I need to work on.
Now I have already driven for 2 hours to do some food shopping at the market, and some thoughts were, that I don't need to go to the SA meeting, Ive driven too far today. But I have decided that, I've done almost anything in the past to feed my addictions, so I can at least put in the effort to get to the SA meeting, in which I haven't been to in months. I ve only been to two.
Getting on here when I got home was a start, I have some things to do, then I am off to the SA meeting. I'm not going to disappoint myself like I did last weekend, that is finished.
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Post by JohnG on Jul 26, 2007 3:10:18 GMT -5
Now I have already driven for 2 hours to do some food shopping at the market, and some thoughts were, that I don't need to go to the SA meeting, Ive driven too far today. But I have decided that, I've done almost anything in the past to feed my addictions, so I can at least put in the effort to get to the SA meeting, in which I haven't been to in months. I ve only been to two. Getting on here when I got home was a start, I have some things to do, then I am off to the SA meeting. I'm not going to disappoint myself like I did last weekend, that is finished. I am glad to hear this TomLincoln. I firmly believe that if addicts put half the effort into getting better that we put into acting out, we would all get healthy without much problem. Our struggle is to do the work, but when we do it there is not much struggle with the addiction itself. Good luck at the meeting. Your friend, JohnG
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Post by tomlincolnsixecho on Jul 30, 2007 3:21:05 GMT -5
I'm starting to fade away, and its time to step up and get away from the hurt, remember the hurt I experienced a week ago.
I over the last couple of days have been wandering around on youtube, checking up on videos that I had seen in the past and for searches, but haven't gone any further, I avoided coming on here to do a search, and I could definitely feel myself slipping away. I'm here now so its time to start rebuilding some strength.
The thing is I'm keeping it pretty light at the moment, I know a little bit is a lot in this game however. Despite this I have known that if I venture off anywhere else, If I end up on an adult site, that I've failed because I know it would be very hard to halt the momentum of my addictions once at that stage. I would think that I'd have a big binge at that stage, and be right back where I was.
I have to realise that getting onto youtube to check out user profiles, or do searches is dangerous to my recovery, and that I should stop this immediately. I also definitely need to tone down my ogling in public, I know it can get bad at times, particularly on the weekend when I went out.
I'm still hanging in there, I know the areas to recover, now it s time to put it into action, and not just leave it here. Frustration is definitely setting in and everytime I get reminded of how long its been since Ive had a relationship, it gets very depressing, but at the same time makes me realise how I can't be impatient, and I have to focus on what I want.
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Post by JohnG on Jul 31, 2007 13:21:32 GMT -5
TomLincoln,
You need to get out of your journal more. I appreciate you post in my journal but I realized that you don't get out enough. There is a whole community here with humour, drama, random acts of kindness, support, friendship, silliness, philosophical debate, political debate (avoid that), and a load of good people. Don't stay locked up here by yourself. Stretch your legs a bit. Post something on the general board.
Just an idea.
And STAY OFF OF YOUTUBE!!!!!!!
Your friend,
JohnG
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Post by tomlincolnsixecho on Aug 9, 2007 2:32:09 GMT -5
Well sorry John.....I haven't stayed off youtube, instead after deleting my previous account set it up again, and I think in 3 days had 70 videos on there. I've perused various p websites, and something I don't usuallly do is to download HCP. I was on a P2P program and I think I downloaded 3 or 4 gb of HCP, I remember saying to myself lets give up and just keep doing this. but after I'd finished it was hmmmmm...what am I doing.
For me it always starts out ok, then I find it hard, then I fall, and when I fall It takes me a few days before I get pissed off enough to try again.
Yesterday I went out, I went out a bit too early, I had some things to do look for a car, and then I was going to go to this meeting I had a vague idea where it was. I ended up spending a couple of hours at the mall wasting time, sort of checking females out, but wasn't my total agenda, I wasn't there just for that. I then went down to watch my football team train, as I was near the stadium. It got to 5pm and I had 2 hours to go to the meeting, I was going to drive down to the streeet where it was, and traffic was terrible, I couldn't even move, I then decided F IT I am going home.
I had a couple of thoughts in my head, which gave me some reasons to give up the addictions, and to focus on something more important. However these as only thoughts vanished quite quickly, as I mb'd last night and in the morning.
I remember hearing a quote on tv the other day and it was "Good things come to those who wait" Now I know ive heard it before, but I thought it was amazing, I didn't hear anything before that or even know what the ad was about, but it attracted my attention, and this time it was for good. It has stuck in my mind well, and I'm thinking, this is so true, If only I could always convince myself of it.
I got out the notepad and wrote one major goal I want to achieve over everything. I then wrote down sub headings which outlined everything I have to do to achieve that goal. ITs huge, And I know I've done this to an extent before, thats why its extremely important taht I read this every day without fail, I need to constantly remind myself of how important it is to me.
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Post by tomlincolnsixecho on Oct 4, 2007 23:58:10 GMT -5
Gosh! how stupid do I look writing all this crap about how I'm going to be a better person, what I'm going to do.......ITs all talk, It never eventuates. nearly 2 months since I've been here and Im starting to think I haven't improved at all, Infact I'm probably in a worse position than I've ever been. I want to give this thing up. But I have very little enthusiasm. Part of the problem is that I've been on holidays for the last month, I have had way too much time on my hands
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Post by JohnG on Oct 5, 2007 8:58:43 GMT -5
TomLincoln,
I have never stopped hoping that someday you will find peace. Even in sobriety I am suffering but I know that if I went back to acting out right now I would could easily get lost and maybe never be heard from again. Please don't disappear.
I will pray for you (though I am not really a believer - but it can't hurt).
If you ever need me you know where to find me my friend.
JohnG
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Post by tomlincolnsixecho on Oct 6, 2007 7:33:36 GMT -5
Thanks for the kind words JG. Unfortunately I have slipped up. I didn't even think about the board before or during the slip. It started earlier in the day, to the point where I said to myself that I didn't care, I have to do this. Anyway I found myself downloading, and wanting to subscribe to P sites, I only had a minor interest in previously. I'm definitely wandering around atm. I have a couple of things to do, then I'm going to write down a few things, and get back on here to write more. my attitude is disgusting, it needs to change.
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Post by tomlincolnsixecho on Oct 9, 2007 7:53:33 GMT -5
I'm not proud of who I've become, I've been downloading stuff I never even thought about downloading previously. stuff that I've never been too interested in, and I thought about also acting out with a prostitute. Well my holidays are over which is great. Too much time at home is a killer. I feel so much better already.
I got out my notepad, I have heaps of them in my room all over the place. Its amazing how much crap I've written in them. I wrote something yesterday that stuck in. I wrote down my goals, and everything I'm will do to make them happen. I also wrote how I will NOT let anything get in my way and I will not acept anything less of myself. I wrote a list of stuff to do after I got home from work. I didn't get everything completed, however I have been flat out doing a number of tasks, and most importantly working on achieving my goals, particularly 2 main long term goals. I figure If I don't take a big big step in achieving these goals I never will. I will always put it to the side and never achieve. I 've also done some brainstorming for my goals, I'm looking positive. I did have a few moments tonight where I started daydreaming about how great life would be IF! Despite this I've done very well. I also have written something down, that when I'm feeling uneasy, I am going to do one of a number of things depending on where I am to stop the uneasyness. Which as I write now, I have realised the biggest problem, and that is being in public. I must find a way to vent my frustrations whilst in public, rather than obsessing about women I see in public.
I'm keeping busy, and I have a few hobbies to keep me busy, but I don't want to fix myself on one thing, I'm trying to involve myself with many different things to mix it up.
Keeping it strong, I am about to set a plan for tomorrow, and I willl not accept anything less than I aim for. I will not let anything get in my way!
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Post by tomlincolnsixecho on Oct 10, 2007 4:34:40 GMT -5
Ok So I have gained some momentum. I am keeping true to the promises, completing tasks, and not allowing anything to get in my way of achieving my goals. I am finding myself brainstorming all day at work in my down time, thinking of creative ideas for achieving all my goals. I must stay strong, and I will not accept anything less.
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Post by tomlincolnsixecho on Oct 14, 2007 5:29:32 GMT -5
Ive had a fair weekend. I spent Friday night keeping pretty busy, although this was again at home and alone. Saturday I spent all day out, keeping myself busy with some of my hobbies. I think I did well, as last week, I did not and ended up doing things I shouldn't have. Like walking around looking for women. I spent the rest of the night at home, alone again. However I kept very busy with my hobbies, and had a lot to do. Sunday I probably should have gone out to do something, but I've stayed home, but still kept busy. I still refuse to let anything get in my way of achieving my goals. I think though I definitely need to keep my daily plan going over the weekend, as I sort of did what I felt like this weekend. I've stayed clean however and intend on continuing that.
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Post by tomlincolnsixecho on Oct 23, 2007 2:07:05 GMT -5
I seemed to be doing alright, and I was enjoying what I was doing and all without acting out. Although I considered myself clean for ten days, I can't honestly say that was the case. I had tuned in the tv before going to work to a fitness show to see some of the women on there, just to look. I considered this ok, I did it 2-3 times in my 10 days. I googled a few women on tv or that I saw in the paper, looked at a few images, but went no further. I had not ventured into Youtube or any porn sites, which is what I usually do.
Saturday came and I went out for a drive early in the morning. I was out and about taking photographs in various locations. I had been enjoying my weekends for this and it gives me a chance to get out and about and visit new places. I had a strong belief that everything was going to be ok, and I assured myself of this. However driving through a busy street, I was constantly checking out women, always keeping in the back of my mind my fantasies. I know that I was thinking if I saw the right woman I would stop the car. however I convinced myself that I'd be ok.
Well that ended when I came across a game of womens softball. I lost it, pulled over and started watching it. I considered getting out my camera so I could look at the shots later on. I left though, and didn't go ahead with it. Thats when I just kept on going and I went to the track where I started taking photos of women in Track and Field events. I spent a few hours there. I even approaced a female competitor about one of my fantasies.
I then went to the beach and wandered around for 3-4 hours again, looking for women, just walking up and down the beach. When nothing eventuated I bought the local paper, and started looking up and calling escorts to support my fantasies. I walked into two but didn't go ahead with it. I had also considered something which I had never ever considered, and I don't quite understand, why I so desperately wanted to experience it. It was something that I never thought I could ever like, but there I was desperate to visit the prostitutes.
I got home and then straight away spent $300 on P. I did this from 9pm to 6am, by the end of it, I was extremely sore, from the constant MB. This is pathetic right....yeah I know. the minute I had finished, I realized what Ihad done, like always. I started feeling the regret, and thinking about ways to stop this, its like I get a hit, its great for a moment, but then I want OUT! I went to bed but woke up at 9am. I then started thinking about the videos I downloaded. I MB again. Went back to bed, got up around 1pm. I think I got back into it later that night. But then deleted the files after I finished this time, and all the bookmarks. I also cancelled all my subscriptions, however I would still have access to this. I'm sure I knew this deep down. I went to work and vowed to stop this crap. I was doing well up to lunch, and out of the blue, somebody mentioned something totally off the topic, it was quite disgusting, but yet it intrigued me. I couldn't get it out of my head. All afternoon, I thought about how I would download some videos, I hadn't even considered downloading. All this from one comment. I did have some good thoughts that at some stages tried to convince me not to go ahead with it, but Its always like I'm fighting a two party battle, and the addict in me just keeps arguing until it gets what it wants.
I got back into it, redownloaded the files I deleted, bought $100 more. my housemate came home, and I just switched the monitor off while I continued to download files. I was so frustrated cos he was there, and I just wanted to get off....get off and download as much porn as I could get my hands on. I ended up deciding to go to bed at 8pm very early, so I could set my alarm for 4am 2 hours before I'm due to get up for work. All this to download porn. I ended up MB before I went to bed, I then said ok I'm out, I wrote down on a notepad, that I will look in the mirror when I get up and tell the truth, what do I really think. I then set my alarm back to 6am. Wouldn't you know it, I woke up at exactly 4am......whats with that!!! by then I didn't have the hurt anymore. So what did I do....spend the next two hours before work, downloading porn, and spending another $50.
I was thinking about it on the way to work today, and I said to myself.........
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Post by tomlincolnsixecho on Oct 23, 2007 2:24:09 GMT -5
that I had to try a radical new way of thinking. Last night I was thinking about refinancing the house so I could go overseas, and spend thousands of dollars on my fantasies. I thought, ok this is where I need to take a fresh new approach. Maybe I need to take on a counselling course, last time I checked it was going to cost me $4,000 now it might be the time to take a risk on it. for I'd rather fail by trying, than fail by giving in. I started to think that I have to start taking risks, and not fearing the consequences. I'm not saying go into a bar and start a fight. But talking to somebody, socialising. etc.
I was in a daze for the whole morning, I then said ok.....I'm going to get home, this is the first thing I 'm going to do. that is post on the board. I didn't write anything down, but I said I have to do this. I had a mental image of everything to do from the moment I got home. I did have a bit of fear that I could fail, yes I was fearful of that. However I decided that after yesterday, that I was going to block everything out, the woman that passes by, the sexual comments, the magazines, the thoughts. I was going to ignore them all, if need be change the subject. The interesting thing is when I started blocking out these things, I started to think about the more positive things to me. I started to envision what I really wanted out of life, and what I want to achieve. This is great, this is what I want, a passion, zest for life.
I did well today, I couldn't help but have images pass through my head throughout the day, but I treated the thoughts with contempt. It perplexes me as to why I consider my obsessions to be problematic. Why does it make me feel so great and then so bad. Maybe its because I know I want something else, but I can't achieve it.
Anyway, I got home and I turned on the computer deleted my files, I got on here and started writing and here I am. I have a heap of things I WILL get done tonight. One of them is plan for tomorrow. I am sick of saying things and not doing them. I keep saying I want to write down my goals, and read them out everyday but I never do. So it's time that I now do this, I have to do it, I hate the person I have become. I must allow myself at least 5-10 minutes a day reading my goals, this is an absolute must.
Another thing I am going to be strong on is blocking out everything. I also want this written to be read every single morning. This is to say, no looking at women passing by, no tv, no magazines etc where I obsess. I was watching the news earlier and on came some smutty content in the commercials, so I just turned the tv off. That is exactly what I need to train myself to do. Posting on the board everyday is a must. I reckon If I have made a good contribution on the board in the past, I have not slipped on that day. I have to have interaction with others with my problems. I must call a person in my sa group, and just talk, I have one number, I need to get to some meetings. I have to do this. I hope I can do this, because I can see what I want, I just can't seem to grab it.
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Post by JohnG on Oct 23, 2007 4:04:12 GMT -5
TomLincoln,
I wish you luck. I confess that I always read your journal when you come back but I have not posted in a long time. I don't know what to say. You know what must be done but you don't do it. I pray that you reach your bottom soon because if you are considering refinanancing your house to go overseas to act out you are really headed down the wrong path. You have a number from a member at SA but you don't call. You don't go to meetings. You don't get counseling. You don't post on the board outside of a few posts each month in your journal when things get really bad.
You once got very upset with me for being so blunt. But seriously, what are you doing other than making resolution after resolution to be better, to not look a P, or to "block" out bad thoughts? ACTION is what is required. And lots of it. You say above, "I need to", "I have to", "I must" which are all expressions of a desire to do something tonight, tomorrow, but not of taking action NOW. Instead of writing "I must call a person in my sa group", CALL a person in your SA group. RIGHT NOW. As you are reading this there is nothing to prevent you from picking up the phone and calling that person. If you don't call them it is your choice not to. There is no other reason. And I can offer you all the support in the world as can all the other members here but not one of us can pick up that phone for you. None of us can go to a meeting for you. None of us can do your work for you.
If I didn't care I would not write anything at all. I would just shrug my shoulders and move on to the next journal. If that is what you wish me to do I will do it. But I would rather see you get down to business and do what you yourself know what has to be done. You are not new here. You know how to find resources. If you ever decide to get really serious and deal with this problem you will succeed. It is well within your reach. Your next post could be made a half hour after reading my post and could start, "I called a member of SA"... The choice is yours.
I remain your very loyal friend,
JohnG
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