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Post by tomlincolnsixecho on Oct 24, 2007 1:39:15 GMT -5
Well I have Just tried to call the contact after getting home from work I have I couldn't get through however. I m not giving up I will try several times tonight. This is the first thing I've done since getting home, that was my promise and I kept up to it. I have to get the times and venue for the SA meeting. Last night I went out to a social gathering and met a number of new people, I didn't sit back, I chatted to new people and introduced myself. I know I have to take on a radical approach, and I'm going to have to be tough on myself. Things like the going to the SA meeting being one thing, in the past its been all talk. I can't afford to take it easy and hope that things are going to be ok. I know what I need to do tonight, and I can't afford to get sidetracked. today I had some thoughts enter my head, and I ignored them, I can't give an inch. I did as I was reading the news paper look at a couple of female pictures out of curiosity. The thought of google imaging the lady crossed my mind. and I'm even getting those thoughts now. But I said then as I say now, that I must ignore it, and not give an inch.
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Post by tomlincolnsixecho on Oct 25, 2007 1:28:32 GMT -5
I got through and spoke to another member of my group. I got a chance to keep in touch with the person, and It helped me greatly. I am still waiting to find out when the other meetings are on as I can't make it to that particular meeting. I have forced thoughts out of my head a number of times, but nearly got caught out without even realizing it on 2 or 3 occasions. Again first thing I got home and I came on here to post on the baord. I am going out later tonight, but before then I have a number of tasks that I need to complete. These are all a part of my goals. I must stay strong and keep on fighting.
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Post by tomlincolnsixecho on Oct 26, 2007 4:36:16 GMT -5
Well today was just a general day at work, I was a little bit angry at a couple of people at work, as, I'm sick to death of them laying into me and bagging the hell out of anything I do, Now I ignore them all together.
I've only just got home as I had to go out, I went to the city, and it was a real challenge. IT was hot weather, and a lot of the women were wearing less than usual. everywhere I looked there were women. I found it near impossible to not look, I looked at a couple of women twice, but the whole time, I was reminding myself of my goals, and how I should look at their faces rather than their bodies. I didn't do as good as I had wished, however I am happy that I was cognizant to the dangers of staring at the women. This helped me loook away, look at their face, or close my eyes take a few steps and keep on going.
I have a busy night tonight, I have to get ready for tomorrow which I have planned a day out with friends. I must stay strong and head toward my goals.
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Post by JohnG on Oct 26, 2007 7:16:18 GMT -5
I got through and spoke to another member of my group. I got a chance to keep in touch with the person, and It helped me greatly. I am still waiting to find out when the other meetings are on as I can't make it to that particular meeting. Good job. Any news on the other meetings? Your friend, JohnG
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Post by tomlincolnsixecho on Oct 27, 2007 21:58:25 GMT -5
I have failed....
I thought I was strong, and I had been out in public, I was doing the things I was supposed to be doing. I found it hard not to look at the women in ways that would hurt my progression. I got through it though. However yesterday I was at an event, and I was taking photos of the event. I saw this very attractive woman, and I started taking shots of her, and then I lost it, I was taking pictures of lots of women around the place. It didn't stop me from doing what I was supposed to be doing, but It made me lose control of myself. I got a call from my contact but It was too late I had already lost control. But what I should have done is gotten the strength to call, and stop this crap.
I got home and looked over the photos, some of the photos were definitely fueling my addiction, taking photos only of their legs etc. However one thing I'm a bit unsure of, is a photo I took, and it was an excellent photo, a brilliant portrait shot, showing great emotion in the face. I haven't deleted that photo but have deleted all the others. I would like to keep it, I am not in denial, I genuinely believe it is a great shot. AFter all I've deleted all the others which weren't honestly good shots. ITs a little bit hard because I took the shot with bad intentions but its ended up being a great shot for my work.
I had been there for 30minutes and did well I hadn't even thought about acting out, but that all changed. I had to do what I did the previous day, and shut everything out. When I saw that first woman, I should have said........1. this is not the shot I'm trying to get, its not helping my work, this is feeding my adiction, now move along. I didn't do this and as a result I failed.
I spent the night downloading porn again and spent another $20 on a membership. I actually thought about whether I should do it or not, and I did. Why couldn't I stop. I realise that it is the first instance of acting out I need to prevent, once I open the door its so very hard to get out. One thing different to nearly every other time I've slipped, is that I'm back on track straight away, usually I don't get that chance, and I'm slipping all weekend. I have slipped, and I'm disappointed as I spent more money on my addiction, when I am in the process of organising a solid budget for my goals. ITs not just the money though, its also the time. A whole lot of wasted time.
All I can say is that I'm here, and not acting out again, I have to continue everything I was doing in the previous 3 days, in addition to.........
1. must call my contact when I'm feeling uneasy. If I can just do this once, I know I can build strength. 2. I now have times for 2 SA Meetings, and I can go to them I must go to at least one of them every week, without fail.......I'd go out of my way to travel interestate for my addictions, so I can make an effort to get to them. 3. I must when in public, as this is one of my biggest problems atm, make a point of looking away instead of staring. I know what I look at when I see a woman, so instead look at her face. But I must go over and over this process every time I go out, so I don't allow myslelf to lose control.
I think I was doing everything else right, but I lost it. If I fail, I need to give an honest effort to fix up on the mistakes I've made so I don't make them again.
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Post by JohnG on Oct 28, 2007 5:31:52 GMT -5
TomLincoln, for what it's worth, a couple of thoughts: 1. must call my contact when I'm feeling uneasy. If I can just do this once, I know I can build strength. If you wait until you are feeling like acting out, it will usually be too late. In every recovery program that I am aware of that uses this technique (of phone contacts), the time to call is BEFORE you are in a dangerous place. I speak to another addict by phone 5 times a week. Seem like a lot? Well, I would rather spend ten minutes talking to another addict than 4 hours or more acting out. And I have NEVER acted out when I have been in regular contact with other addicts. My two relapses occurred when I was isolating myself from my peers. If you can go to two meetings a week why would you only go to one? In early recovery one meeting is almost never enough. In AA and many other 12 step programs it is suggested that you attend 90 meetings in 90 days whenever possible. Obviously this is not possible for you, but you could do 26 meetings in 90 days (rather than 13). This is critical. From what I have read in your journal in my time here, this is a HUGE trigger for you. Keep at it. Your friend, JohnG
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Post by tomlincolnsixecho on Oct 29, 2007 0:44:21 GMT -5
Hey thanks again John for your support.
Firstly, I think that makes sense. I do need to call contacts before I get into danger. An example of that was on Saturday morning. The problem is that I was with a friend already, and we separated, which at the time, I took to my advantage, for the bad.
I am happy to make it to a meeting once a week, I live 80minutes away in traffic to get to my meeting. 90 in 90 days wow....thats a lot.
As for the not looking at women thing, Its something I did today, and did well, but the real test is when I go to the city, which I have to go there tomorrow. It is very important that I remind myself constantly, maybe a sticky tag on my steering wheel, what I have to do, and how I need to stop my staring, because it leads to more destructive habits. I know what I have to do tomorrow, lets keep it to that. I think If I can make a big effort tomorrow, and keep it up throughout the week, and on the weekend, I can stay clean. I have previously focused on breaking my porn addictions, but now I know I need to look at a lot of other problem areas. I need to repeat my positive methods over and over and over again, so it becomes instinctive for me.
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Post by JohnG on Oct 29, 2007 5:36:03 GMT -5
I am happy to make it to a meeting once a week, I live 80minutes away in traffic to get to my meeting. 90 in 90 days wow....thats a lot. That is a long drive. Then I would work hard to cultivate phone contacts there. If you can call and talk to other addicts three or four times a week even just briefly it will have a tremendous impact - believe me. If you have several contacts you could ask them if they would mind you calling to check in once or twice a week and with several you could thus get good coverage for the week. Don't forget to read program literature too. This is important because the real program is contained in the literature and much of the work you have to do alone anyway - though with subsequent feedback from others. 90 meetings in 90 days is a lot but I lived five minutes away from a place in Denver (when I got into AA) that sometimes had three meetings running simultaneously. I did about 100 meetings in 90 days and after that third month, though I was not "cured," I have never once gone back to craving alcohol. If there was some way to achieve the same effect with this addiction, I would happily do another 100 meetings! I hope you are well today. Keep up the good work. Your friend, JohnG
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Post by tomlincolnsixecho on Oct 30, 2007 0:28:06 GMT -5
All is well, thanyou john for again replying
was just a general day at work, and now I'm ready to go out tonight, and I have to stay strong, and resist temptation, Its great that I'm getting out and not just staying at home, I have a few things to do first, and I won't let anything get in my way of doing them.
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Post by tomlincolnsixecho on Oct 31, 2007 1:15:08 GMT -5
Just a casual day at work today, I always knew what I had to do for the rest of the day after work. after work I needed to get a few things from the shops. I was there for a few minutes and then I was just stopped in my tracks by a female there. I looked at her then made sure I changed my position to see her. I was quite clearly checking her out and into another section of the shop. This is when I pulled away and got out of the situation. I still saw her a few more times, but didn't look in the way I was previously. I also looked at 2 other women a couple of times. However it was the first one that got me in that obsessive state. I'm glad I got out of it. However it wasn't good that I got into it in the first place. I was still thinking about her on the way home. If I hadn't have snapped out of it. I may well have gone further.
First thing first I had to come on here and post on the board, as I know from history that, these are the times I slip up and download porn, and MB. I still consider this bad, I'm no longer just looking at the porn and MB issue. I'm looking at the obsessing, and the staring.
Why did this happen???
Well I wasnt' sure If I was going to go to the shops, I was going to hold it off til the next day. But I went. I just walked in casually, only slightly in the back of my mind about the dangers, but I guess I took it a bit too easy.
What can I do next time???
Next time, I have to go in there repeating to myself exactly what I must NOT do. If I find myself looking at a woman inappropriately I shal look away. I don't care if I'm repeating over and over and over again, I don't care, It has to be done.
For the rest of the night I have a series of things to do. I must stay clean, I realise if I don't stay clean theen I cannot possibly complete my goals.
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Post by tomlincolnsixecho on Nov 1, 2007 1:04:27 GMT -5
As promised I come online as soon as I got home, and started posting. Today has been an ok day, I'm still reading my goals every day before I go to work. I still at times thought about the female I saw last night, but I must go on. I definitely realise that If I slip up I can't possibly achieve my goals, and they are way more important. I have a few things to do tonight, Cook tea, Basketball, research some more ideas etc. I'm staying strong and I will learn from my mistakes.
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Post by tomlincolnsixecho on Nov 2, 2007 1:15:57 GMT -5
Today I forgot to read my goals, I could see myself forgetting about all the work I need to do to get out of this mess. This is danger time, considering the weekend is upon me and I have so much more time available than during the week. I got home and I started looking at profiles for female basketballers, out of curiosity. I realised that it was my addictions that were trying to lead me into searching the profiles, with definite intentions. These intentions were that if I saw what I was looking for, I would start thinking about taking it further. This would probably lead to an hour of searching around the internet for various things, then when I struggle to find anymore information, I'll be on YouTube. Then I'll be downloading porn, then I'll be thinking about prostitutes. This is not where I want to be, it is definitely not. I must read my posts in the morning. I Will do so after this post aswell. I also must post on the board as soon as I jump online not wait like I did tonight.
Tomorrow, I go to work, as soon as that finishes I'm off to my first Saturday SA meeting. Sunday I am going hiking all day. Monday and Tuesday I have days off and I will also be considering the same thing.
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Post by tomlincolnsixecho on Nov 4, 2007 17:56:25 GMT -5
Saturday was a great day. I went to my first meeting for a Saturday, as I could not attend Thursday meetings. I thouht it was well set out and I met a heap of new people and were very friendly and helpful. I got two contacts, so now I have 3. I'm glad I went and it has helped me imensely.
Sunday I went out on a trail all day from 9am to 7pm. It was a great day and I was too myself, didn't have to worry about anything, it was so peaceful. I know I'm making progress, and I know I have some contacts to call if I'm at all in trouble or just need to talk.
For today and tomorrow, I have days off, Its important that I keep busy and keep moving. The tv hasn't gone on today, I have a lot of house work to catch up on today as it has been neglected lately. I have to go out later, but the idea is to keep busy. I want to find somewhere to go tomorrow, and then I can take some more interesting photos.
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Post by tomlincolnsixecho on Nov 8, 2007 0:58:11 GMT -5
I'm still here and still clean, only with minor problems with some staring, and indescision over looking at some videos for the wrong reasons. I did need to look at holiday videos for ideas on my holidays. This was tough as it quite often showed women in swim suits.
I can feel myself sometimes not reading my goals in the morning, But I did it for the last two mornings. I haven't been online here for a few days, but I'm still high spirited. I'm watching less television, and keeping busy reading, and organizing my holiday plans. I'm playing basketball tonight. As for the weekend, I have to do a few things, I'm going to go out for a walk, pretty much spend the whole day out. I know if I have trouble ahead, I have Three numbers I can contact for help. for now I'm doing well and staying out of trouble, I know its still a challenge, as I still find myself staring at women. And last night I had about 17million dreams about my addictions.
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Post by tomlincolnsixecho on Nov 9, 2007 0:46:29 GMT -5
Just a normal day at work, no real problems, maybe some thoughts, Basketball last night was good, I actually started talking to some women without thinking negatively. I am happy with my progress, and I have a number of things to do tonight, I will keep true to. I have numbers to call if I feel uneasy, as I am upon the weekend. I have a meeting to go to tomorrow, I can catch up with people, I want to get up early and go for a ride. Staying strong and true.
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