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Post by johannes3 on Dec 9, 2006 11:05:09 GMT -5
That's so wonderful, Still. I'm absolutely happy for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mitch and Still, I really appreciate that you feel my journal is important--your support helps me continuing it even when I feel like falling back into "shutting everything down" mode. Ah, and Mitch, but I must have told you that I once printed out the C.S. Lewis lizard passage and put it into my wallet, as a reminder and as a recovery support. Hehehehe, C.S. Lewis and Mozart are the same--I acknoweldge that both of them do have their rare moments... ;D ;D
I regret I didn't update my journal last night--I feel as if there's a day missing now...
Still, about my interview rampage friend: we're really really close friends, and it's not that he's bragging. Fortunately, now that his interview number has reached 5, I've gotten over my initial envy...but it's true, I'm a bit angry with myself that I wasn't honest with him a few days ago: I was telling him I felt so depressed about my lack of interviews, and he asked whether his good news is bringing me further down, and I responded, "No no, that's independent of my situation." Frankly, that was a lie, and next time we talk, I will want to confess this.
Yes. I need to keep on trying. And figuring out how my applications could be made stronger.
Yesterday was a really mixed day (but I guess that's normal?): it started off totally low-energy--I barely did anything in the morning, just somehow getting my handout done, and for the most part feeling exhausted. I did somehow make it through my first class alright--and one good thing: people have really been working well on their group projects; they're definitely more motivated about this assignment than previous ones.
Afterwards, I had several one-on-one conferences, and during one or two, I was just feeling so tired and was barely able to concentrate on the student. But I also got through that.
Last night at home wasn't too great--yeah, I watched two episodes of "Six Feet Under," and watching the second episode was definitely zoning out; better I'd have spent the time writing in here. Grrrr, and as much as I get out of this series, it is somewhat sexually explicit at times. Several characters on the show use sex as medication....oh, and for the sake of accountability, I had a totally unexpected glimpse at the ledge. I was wasting a few minutes online, googling the name of one of the actors in the episode I saw--and whoa! I innocently clicked on one of the results, and it turned out to be a semi-porn site. No worries, I immediately closed it--something I fear I wouldn't have been able to do a few weeks back. But I was rather shook by this brush with danger. And I can tell how right now my mind is not completely in the right place--today's a day I need to take extra care to remain sober.
I'm not feeling that well this morning. I'll be making a few phone calls, and work on a job application--you know, I can feel how much I wish I could get a job where I can finally settle down, and so I'm often tempted to only apply for tenure-track jobs. But that's probably very short-sighted.
Let's all recover.
Johannes
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Post by johannes3 on Dec 9, 2006 17:42:29 GMT -5
Crawling into my journal. I need to be here now. This is a safe place that can help me. It's a scary day today. I've just been totally unfocused, procrastinating online, and a few minutes ago I was one click away from going to a porn site. I hate to admit this. I want to create the impression that I'm now the poster boy of recovery, having had this great breakthrough with my journaling, and it's just an easy ride from now on where I can condescendingly look down on everyone else who's still struggling.
I don't know what it is. I didn't sleep well last night, and so now it's almost six, and the day feels so lost.
I need to leave the house. I don't see any point in it, but I need to get out. That's what sane voices are telling me.
First, I'll turn off the computer, and then I'll do the dishes, and then take a walk--need to get something at the drugstore anyway--and I'll check in again later tonight.
I am staying sober today. I am promising that to all of you who read my journal. Thank you. I've been sober for almost 4 weeks now, and I think today is really the most difficult day sofar. But I can make it.
Let's all recover.
Johannes
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Post by choselife on Dec 9, 2006 17:58:24 GMT -5
Excellent, excellent job, Johannes. I'm sure there are reasons why you were close to opening the porn site, although you may not be aware of them right now. They will come to you later, when you distance yourself from using P. I don't know any more than you do, but I got to think that these days that appear to come out of the blue are just part of the process for all that are having successful recoveries. I should be checking back tomorrow. I definitely expect you to be sober, and I am here to help and support in any way that I can. Don't criticize yourself for being one step away from using P; only give yourself credit for making the right choice. When you write about what was troubling you in future journal entries, you will undoubtedly learn some useful stuff that can only be learned from those days that you are close to acting out, probably because there were some emotions going on today that are in some way different (and more challenging) to deal with, than the prior 27 days.
CL
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Post by johannes3 on Dec 9, 2006 22:19:28 GMT -5
I fell. I can't believe it. After writing my previous entry I did manage to leave the house. As I was walking through the December cold, I suddenly realized I was close to simply walking downtown and visit an adult video store and purchase a porn dvd. Well, I went to the drugstore, and then made some steps in the direction of the video store, but then turned into a sidestreet and slowly walked home, sometimes stopping again, and wanting to go to that store. I made it home alright, went to the support board, read choselife's caring message.
And then? I just broke down and went to the wrong websites and ended up downloading several porn video clips and acted out. I still cannot believe it. While in the trance, I thought, alright I'll delete my no-porn account again--I'm just too ashamed to face my friends here again.
Well, I'm not deleting my account, but am filled with sadness and grief and some confusion. I thought I was doing so much right--well, I was; it just wasn't enough yet.
On the way home, there was one minute in which I came out of the trance--as I was walking, I remembered the walking meditation, and I did that for a couple of steps (and probably would have done it for longer if it hadn't been that cold).
Recovery bridge collapsed beneath me. Need to build it up again. Could someone tell me what I did wrong? Was it last night when I watched one episode too many instead of going to sleep and resting?
And you see, acting out does work--that's the horrible truth: I'm now out of the trance, am starting to feel focused again, and presumably tomorrow will be an alright day.
But that's perhaps addict talk.
And I honestly want recovery and sobriety.
Let's all recover. Including me.
Johannes
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Post by Stillhopeful on Dec 10, 2006 7:57:49 GMT -5
Hi Johannes, Oh dear. Well, I will say what I thought over a week ago: I do not think you should watch that show - six feet under - ever again. I mean it. It is clearly a trigger for you, somehow. Find some other show you like, or avoid TV entirely (as I advised long, long ago). No hiding, though. You must come here and post daily. I will only be around for a few days more before my overseas trip but I know others read your journal and will support and encourage you. Thanks for your congratulations on my award, by the way. I am still very happy about it. I'll check here tomorrow night. Still
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Post by johannes3 on Dec 10, 2006 11:08:41 GMT -5
Thank you so very much for your support, Still. Definitely no hiding. I'm staying here. I have been thinking hard about how to adjust my recovery plan. Let me go back to Friday: as I said, I was feeling very much the exhaustion of the end-of-the-semester stress. Yet I got through the day, and after putting away the laundry, I settled down in a happy and relaxed state of mind. Watching a "Six Feet Under" episode was not the mistake, the slow downward movement began when I simply went on to the next episode; that's where the compulsive behavior set in. And then Saturday morning, well, anyone could have sensed that I was in a fragile frame of mind--and you see, I spent most of the day (before acting out sexually) procrastinating online: this is where I made the main wrong turn, and all attempts late at night when I finally realized how close I was to the edge, weren't sufficient anymore. So what do I take from this? One very very clear rule about my internet usage: I need to immediately realize that procrastinating online is middle circle behavior, even though it may seem innocuous to others. I can only use the internet for work and recovery. And that's totally alright. I can live with this. Now, similarly, I need to (and will!!!) monitor my movie watching habits. I don't want to, at least at this point, implement a zero dvd policy. It's all about self-awareness: am I watching a movie for healthy pleasure and growth, or just because I'm avoiding something, distracting myself? But here now the big part of my revised recovery strategy--and I could use lots of input on this--: I think I'm very good at sensing when I'm doing things just for distraction/avoiding reality, etc. Let's take as example the urge to surf online--for example, I'll feel that urge after signing off this board, and facing the essay reading I need to do today (and which I could've easily done yesterday, it seems... ); I'll have the urge to procrastinate. So what do I do instead? Now simply forcing myself to do the work isn't the whole solution. What I mean is, I want to acknowledge those feelings of tiredness etc., and do healthy things to address them. See, what's almost always happening is that I get into this mindset where I think, "Oh man, I'm so totally stressed out and I should take a break but gosh I can't allow myself a break, oh damn, let's just go online for a few minutes to ward off the unavoidable pain of getting back to work." I can't do that anymore. I truly can't. Now here's something important: if alternatively I, say, called up a friend to distract myself, that wouldn't help either. What would help, though, if I called up that friend, and told her or him about my current feelings of distress. Something else I can do: since this journal is so helpful for me, I could, when I feel the urge to distract myself, come here, really commit myself to coming here, and express my anxieties and talk about what I'll do to address them right now. Because it's all about rediscovering the healthy things I used to do. The best thing for immediate clarity I can think of is putting into practice the lessons I'm learning from meditation. So in those moments when the procrastination urge hits me, I can commit myself to getting up and doing a brief walking meditation--this may be better than just a sitting meditation. In the bigger picture, of course it's a lot about consciously allowing myself spaces of rest and happiness. So as of now, I will no longer surf aimlessly online. Yes, there are several legitimate things I need the internet for--but everytime I'm online, I will be very clear about whether I'm really focused on that specific task, and not drift into lalaland. Thank you all for being here. I will be using and needing this journal even more than before. I'm serious about my recovery. Let's all recover. Johannes
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Post by johannes3 on Dec 10, 2006 11:13:59 GMT -5
About TV: I don't have a TV--simply cause I know I can't handle it--so all the movies I watch at home are dvds on my laptop. I think going to a zero dvd policy isn't the way to go right now--it reminds me a bit too much of how I was about 15 years ago: I had these weird fits where I determined I'd live without any distraction; I'd get rid of my radio (I didn't have a TV) in order to have no distractions whatsoever. There was something maniacal about this, I think.
But if it does turn out that I can't avoid watching dvds compulsively, then I'm certainly going to consider stopping it altogether.
J
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Post by johannes3 on Dec 10, 2006 13:33:00 GMT -5
Checking in after two hours of work. Something I remembered--I am not obliged to go online when I need to take a break Instead, for a few minutes I can do something I used to do in those times long ago..........Yes. READ!!!!!!!!!!! Now that's an epiphany, isn't it? I'm at the coffee shop here, and I had brought in a proimising book on teaching, "The Courage to Teach," by Parker Palmer. It's all about how our personalities are crucial to successful teaching. And the book is written in a non-technical tone that I can relate to. I think yesterday's slip actually began on Wednesday: I had been so successful with all the grading--AND I FAILED TO ACKNOWLEDGE THIS, but simply trotted on in my stressed-out routine. Let's all recover. Johannes
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Post by johannes3 on Dec 10, 2006 20:58:54 GMT -5
Maybe, in some strange way, I've been lucky. Maybe yesterday's terrible slip is forcing me to climb to the next recovery level. If I hadn't slipped, I wouldn't have considered this radical reduction of my online activities. It's scary, yeah. And it's a bit dangerous: just like during the times I had an internet filter, my addiction would escalate to going to prostitutes, so now this clamp down on internet surfing makes the addict inside me want to disregard everything and simply say goodbye to recovery at this point when I'm willing to stop numbing myself. But no worries! I am totally staying sober.... Leopold once said that as addicts we're in this strange situation that we have to become good people, because in contrast to healthy people, we can't just live with half-measures--I mean, many people are fine with distracting themselves via TV and internet. I'm not. It'll always fuel my addiction. So.............what now? ? What do I *do* now? ? Okay, spending more time on the support board, it seems..... It's almost nine here, and I did get the work done I needed to do today. One healthy thing now: I'm *not* forcing myself to read more essays today; I'll do that tomorrow morning. I now have a free evening--free because I needn't compulsively be online. Wow! Scary. Exciting. I had some good conversations today. First, I talked with M--the friend with the million interviews--and told him how I was frustrated at first with all his interviews, and he of course totally understood and said he'd been concerned about this. He also said his success is actually creating tensions in the department, you know, with those colleagues who are also on the market and not getting interviews yet. But so I was glad we brought this issue into the open, and we're totally relaxed about it now. I also talked with my Mom, and it was so great, as so often--you see, she really exemplifies for me a life of non-compulsivity and spiritual health. So in contrast to my Dad who, sadly, has never found a way to address his addictions. Anyway, she told me about this exciting documentary she saw, about a Scottish artist who creates artworks that interact with nature--you know, he'll like create some kind of stone pillars and build them on some beach, and then wait as the tide slowly dissolves the structure. Or he'll gather ice and somehow bring it in contact with a tree branch, and then create this dazzling effect of sunlight shining on the ice, and of course eventually melting it. It's so life-affirming to talk with my mother. And of course I'm totally ecstatic that her health is so good now. Okay. I am now going to turn off this computer. Let's all recover. Johannes
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Post by findingjoy on Dec 11, 2006 1:15:27 GMT -5
Just wanted you to know that I"m still following. I don't always know what to say, but I'm here and I am so glad you're faithful with your journaling. It is such a powerful tool. Since you're *only* at 6 pages, next time you want to surf the net... just go read your journal front to back and see what insights pop up at you with the benefit of hindsight. I was doing that today and it really helps me regain my focus. I read something and I think, "I wrote that? Wow, I was in a good place, and I had some great thoughts!" Kind of fun, actually. Since I don't really know anything about the dynamics where you work, maybe this is out of left field, but I was wondering if you can talk to M again and find out what it is that makes him so attractive to employers? Is there something you're meant to learn from him professionally? Like I said, I may be totally out to lunch, but I wanted to ask anyway. ttyl fj
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Post by Stillhopeful on Dec 11, 2006 8:11:44 GMT -5
Hi Johannes,
I've been squiring an international visitor about our city these past few days (when I should be getting ready for my big trip). I am reading, however. I like your resolutions and am glad you've taken time to develop them.
I also like FindingJoy's suggestion. It doesn't hurt to ask.
best wishes,
Still
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Post by johannes3 on Dec 11, 2006 19:18:58 GMT -5
findingjoy and stillhopeful (those two names fit well together, I think... ), thank you for being here. I am having a tough time today writing in my journal because I'm just feeling so nervous and anxious about everything. And well, my commitment to no online surfing is quite scary, of course--what do I do now? Feel my feelings??? You must be kidding!!! So anyway, yes, M and I have talked a lot about the job search, and well, there are several reasons he's more successful right now. The main one being that his profile is much clearer. You see, he's applying for college teaching jobs in German departments, and he has a straightforward CV, and superb teaching qualifications. My profile is like totally weird--I'm a jack of all trades, and that makes me a bit of a borderline candidate. I have a PhD degree in "religion and literature," and so I apply mainly for English/literature positions--but am of course competing with mainstream English PhDs. And then my literature expertise is mainly German literature--but I'm not really qualified for German departments cause I have virtually no experience teaching German language. (And don't really want to teach it if I can avoid it.) Anyway, so now you also see why those Christian colleges are interesting to me: I'm assuming that the religion component in my education might make them consider me. I sell myself as a generalist, that is, someone who can teach college writing, all kinds of literature, and some religion and philosophy. I think I should be a cool candidate for some schools!! Ahem, but not for Spring Hill College in Mobile, Alabama--I got their rejection letter today... ;D ;D ;D And yeah, after Christmas, I'm starting a new job application initiative! I'm tired. I will check in again later. Let's all recover. Johannes
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Post by rockbottom on Dec 11, 2006 19:38:45 GMT -5
Hello Johannes
I have read the last couple of days worth of posts of your journal. You're insights, questioning and reflection are invaluable to me. There are many parallels with what you and I are both going through at the moment. In fact you inspired me to start a journal of my own (which I tried starting last week 'forever is in the now' - and have failed to keep up).
I too am a procrastinator. I do exactly the same thing of surfing on the net mindlessly - when I am tired, when I am allegedly trying to relax/take a break, when I am angry/frustrated etc... Unfortunately, this inevitably leads me to act out. After spending hours doing absolutely nothing (which may involve me acting out), I feel absolutely crap. Sometimes physicially sick. I then completely vilify myself, and go through in my head all the things i could have done with the time. Hence, re-emphasising to myself, that I seem to be just wasting my life. This cycle has plagued my life. I too have come to realise that for the moment I cannot use the internet for anything other than work - and I have even tried to only use the net whilst there is someone else in the flat (i.e. forced not to act out). By the way I have only tried to do this in the last week - with only partial success.
In theory I aslo have a list of things that I should do instead if I am procrastinating about work; feeling tired; realising that I am engaging in behaviour/cognitions that will trigger me acting out etc... Things like reading, listening to music, meditation, breathing exercises, going for a run, tidying up/organising. I say in theory as I have yet to successfully do this.
Sorry, if this reply is slightly out of context. My mind is not functioning properly. I am determined to write in my journal everyday, and follow your progress too.
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Post by cflanders on Dec 11, 2006 19:49:41 GMT -5
I'm sorry about your slip.
Yeah.
Let ME be the (snot-laden) poster child for feeling one's feelings. At the end of last month until very recently, about 4 days ago, actually, I allowed myself to feel some sadness.
Some things had happened that re-opened my Original Wound, my R with my father. Not wanting to get into the whole thing on your journal, not wanting to get into it here at all, really, but what's important is that a couple of years of therapy finally sunk in and I had a choice between 2 things:
1. Act out (and for me, that is anonymous S, starting with online trolling)
2. Feel my feelings.
I went with Option 2. That meant about 6-10 long crying jags by myself. No one to "help" me, or hand me tissues, or give me any comfort ... I realized it was really time for me to deal with myself, myself.
FYI, Johannes. I'm pretty "manly" when it comes to crying jags. I'd rather get hit by a truck or eat nails or ...
And I have to tell you, that thus far, allowing myself to do that (damn, was it ever hard) was a turning point for me. At least for the moment, which is all that matters.
Feeling our feelings just plain stinks, but it beats the alternative.
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Post by rockbottom on Dec 11, 2006 20:08:04 GMT -5
But how do you stop 'feeling your feelings' leading to 'acting out'?
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