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Post by johannes3 on Dec 4, 2006 16:29:48 GMT -5
Mid-of-the-day check-in. I know, I'm currently clinging to my journal for sheer life. I feel very vulnerable these days (and that's a good thing, I guess). All my anxieties were triggered an hour ago by a conversation with a colleague who showed me a paper from one of her students. She said she didn't see how she could pass this student, but reading the paper I felt, "Wow. If this doesn't pass, well then my students aren't doing well at all." (The thing is, for this developmental English class, we have to submit a selection of student papers to a committee that evaluates the papers.) Alas, and then I had to tell my colleague that I couldn't talk further because two students were coming in to see me, and I sensed that she was a bit put off by this, and just left without a word. It was really weird.
Anyway, but I did have a good conference with the students. They came up with a good project to work on: change the meal plan rip-off system that our school has in place!
I'm noticing how my mood is constantly switching these days. Yes, I do feel a bit more grounded--and I think the amazing thing happening with my journal here is that I'm actually finding a place to speak from the heart. And this is indeed what dissolves the acting-out impulse. I think I always acted out because I didn't have anyone to confide in.
More later.
Let's all recover.
Johannes
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Post by johannes3 on Dec 4, 2006 20:04:19 GMT -5
Okay, I can always come to this journal, right? It's a 24/7 thing, and I can write in more than once a day. I need to write in now. It's almost eight o'clock and all my procrastination instincts are kicking in. Yep, the essays. All I can sanely do is pace myself for an hour a time--so I'm going to check in here at 9 again, and report how I fared. If I get three papers done, that'd be great.
I'm so scared. Job search wise (wait, that can't be the correct spelling, can it? It's so funny being a writing teacher: whenever I send my students an e-mail, I'm always totally pressured not to make any mistakes--well, and I suspect my students feel the same way when they write to me... ;D) the next few weeks will be, well, interesting. Because if I'm supposed to get any interviews at the end-of-the year convention, I should be contacted some time over the next three weeks. Every time I check my e-mail, there's this hope that some school has gotten back to me. I know I know, I shouldn't get all caught up in this.
Anyway, I'll be back in about an hour!
Let's all recover.
Johannes
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Post by johannes3 on Dec 4, 2006 21:18:24 GMT -5
Update. Not doing that well. Some fears triggered by good news: a very good friend of mine just got his second interview invitation, and while I am truly happy for him, this is also triggering all my irrational fears that whisper in my ears, "Yep, Johannes. You'll never get an interview. All your applications were totally stupid, and why do you even bother? You're a failure, and you know it."
It's damn hard getting rid of that voice!!! I'm just depressed and paralyzed and want to distract myself.
I know, all of this will change once I do get an interview--although I don't have that many applications out there, I'll admit.
Not sure what to do now. I'm just tired and nervous and sad and envious.
Johannes
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Post by choselife on Dec 5, 2006 8:24:04 GMT -5
It seems like you are really in touch with what you are feeling, as painful as those feelings may be. To identify them as irrational is great, but I can understand easily how those feelings are so painful that you want to avoid them. My gut feeling is that those painful feelings will naturally diminish pretty quickly, after the initial shock (and impact) of first experiencing them. My advice would be either to talk to a trusted, supportive friend who can relate to what you are feeling; or distract yourself in a healthy way. When I have been in similar situations, and made the right choice, it was ultimately empowering. When I have made the wrong choice, the impact of that wrong choice was to feel like (expletive). It was like I felt like (expletive) from the feelings I experienced from the trigger; and then to get that internal sense of consistency with my feelings and my actions, I did an action to sync up my actions with my state of mind (if that makes sense to you). I feel for you and I am with you, and regardless of how things went last night, this is definitely a situation that I am confident that you will learn from.
CL
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Post by johannes3 on Dec 5, 2006 11:27:44 GMT -5
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Post by johannes3 on Dec 5, 2006 23:35:22 GMT -5
It's already gotten very late, and so I can't update in as much detail I would want to. You can tell it's after 11 at my place because one of my neighbors is cranking up the music/TV or what--it's very quiet in this building until the time Johannes wants to get to sleep It was a long day, and I feel good about it. It was a very emotional situation with the plagiarism issue: I came into the classroom about 10 minutes before the class start time, and M was already there--I sat down next to him and asked him about the paper, and he eventually admitted that he didn't write it. I think I did very well the way I handled this situation: I did penalize him, but didn't go berserk over this issue, and I'm really hoping that he "got" it. He was definitely crestfallen. We talked for about 10 minutes very seriously, and so then I went back to the front of the classroom, and I'm sure the rest of the class were wondering what was going on: I had a very serious and exhausted and sad expression on my face, and they maybe also saw that M was looking very subdued. Anyway, so I was shuffling around papers, and then finally went to the door to close it, but then I realized I couldn't just start class, so I just went into the empty hallway--classes were all already in progress--went to the bathroom, and then walked around a corner and just leaned against the wall for a few minutes trying to gather my bearings. Also, I was thinking whether I should impose further sanctions on M--something that, I believe, virtually all of my colleagues would have done (all I'm doing is giving him an "F" on this assignment)--but at least in that moment, leaning against the wall, I thought, "This is the right way I handled it." It was just such an intense experience. I then was finally able to get back to the class, and it was an okay class, I think. And it was nice that at the end of the class one of my favorite students came to me to ask me a favor, and she told me she was taking my course in the spring. That really lifted my heart. Did lots of other things over the day. Tonight I mock-interviewed my friend who's having a phone interview tomorrow. It was fun, and I think I helped him a lot with the tough interview questions I came up with. Tomorrow's big grading day, and I'll be checking in here with progress reports... ;D Oh, and I think I'm three weeks sober--is that correct, CL? I think I'm a few days behind you. Though frankly, the day counting is the last thing on my mind these days. That's progress, I think. Let's all recover. Johannes
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Post by Curious Voyager on Dec 6, 2006 10:14:43 GMT -5
Feelings?
Feelings don't deminish-not the bad ones--not the good ones. Feelings never deminish or go away.
The only change is in our ability to feel and deal with them. We learn to survive or we die but no way no how do feelings deminish.
Learn to allow the feelings to flow through you.
From rational recovery: "Feelings are not Facts."
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Post by johannes3 on Dec 6, 2006 10:36:20 GMT -5
Yes. I truly f e e l that I'm beginning to learn just that. Allowing.
Oh oh oh, I am laughing as I'm responding here--you devious and sweet primate!!!
All that changes are the colors. I like purple. We, the half-rational, greet you.
And so I continue this morning to write down (but not look down upon) my feelings....this will be a high discipline day as I gotta get those essay comments under way....but why go all crazy over this? I'll just comment on one essay at a time, and when I need a break, I think I shall lift my eyes, enjoy my breathing, and the music and people in the coffee shop....
Right now, right very very now, I am feeling happy. Now why would that be? I think I'm simply happy to be alive.... ;D ;D ;D
Blessings to all.
Let's all recover and discover.
Johannes
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Post by johannes3 on Dec 6, 2006 14:38:23 GMT -5
Checking in with some good news...I had a very productive morning, and got 8 essays graded. Proud of myself. Now I'm going to go home and make lunch, and will resume grading later in the afternoon.
Also, I wanted to share a thought I had on how I can stop obsessing about my job search anxieties: regardless of what happens next fall, this coming semester I get to teach! And I'm just thinking with love and happiness towards the 50 students I'll be having in my two classes in the spring. I am so grateful for this. So whenever I get into job future panic, I'll re-direct my thoughts towards the immediate teaching future.
Let's all recover.
Johannes
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Post by johannes3 on Dec 6, 2006 23:48:43 GMT -5
It's so very late, and I really need to get to bed. I was on the phone with a friend for a long time. We were talking about a grad school application he's working on, but then towards the end I also shared with him my current job search anxieties. I'm glad I did this.
Grading went well--I actually got 18 essays done today. Personal record... ;D ;D
I regret that I didn't get to my journal earlier; I can sense how there are so many things I would like to talk about.
Let's all recover.
Johannes
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Post by Covad on Dec 7, 2006 14:57:20 GMT -5
"obsessing about my job search anxieties:"
Is it a nagging feeling, like you are putting off actions you should be taking to move toward a future job? Or is it just fear of the unknown?
Covad
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Post by johannes3 on Dec 7, 2006 18:58:36 GMT -5
"obsessing about my job search anxieties:" Is it a nagging feeling, like you are putting off actions you should be taking to move toward a future job? Or is it just fear of the unknown? Covad Thank you so much for asking, Covad. What am I fearing? I am fearing that I will not get a job for next fall. It would in all likelihood mean that I would have to leave the States, go back to Germany, and have no clue whatsoever. Yes, I'm catastrophizing. I told a friend last night that I'm aware that, from one perspective, it doesn't really matter if I end up as a beggar on the streets of some German city--but honestly, I don't want to end like that. I want to teach here. Leopoldmozart is right when he says it's not about success, but about doing what God wants me to do. But it's so difficult for me sometimes to not be afraid. It's almost comical: I've mentioned my friend who's getting interviews--well, he's getting these invitations (for interviews at the end-of-the-year convention in our field) on a daily basis now. Clearly, his job-profile is spot on! I'm becoming sooo envious God will provide. I know that, and yet I don't trust it. I am just so scared, and am thinking that I'm doing something totally wrong the way I'm writing my applications--or that there's a fatal flaw in my profile. I don't know. When I allow these feelings of panic into my consciousness, I'm close to tears. I think my friend's success this week has simply intensified my feelings of self-doubt. I only have a dozen applications out there, and I think half of them are strong ones. But I know there are weaknesses in my resume, such as a lack of publications, and although I'm really just applying for teaching positions, this is something I need to work on. As soon as the semester is over (in about 10 days I think all should be wrapped up), I'll start getting serious about thinking about research projects I want to work on. Digging deeper. I've always--and this has so much to do with my self-perception around my disability--had this sense that I'm basically unemployable. Ah yes, I've gotten this temporary position here in Beautiful Town, and that's great, but I'm really fearing this is just the last hurrah. Again, thank you for asking. It helps writing down these fears. I know, my journal is a roller-coaster of emotions, and that's alright. It means a lot to me when people tell me I will find a job eventually. Let's all recover. Johannes
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Post by johannes3 on Dec 7, 2006 21:39:46 GMT -5
Wow. I so don't want to write in my journal, don't want to feel my feelings. I'm feeling sad and discouraged and exhausted and can't seem to muster the energy to tell you about my day. I need to prepare a handout for one of my classes tomorrow, and I just don't see how I can do it tonight Right now, I'm assuming I can do it tomorrow morning; there's just the chance that a student will write me later to say she'd like to have a conference tomorrow morning. But clearly, there needs to be a limit to how far Johannes will go in his attempt to be the king of codependent college instructors! It'd be easy to distract myself with another "Six Feet Under" episode tonight, I admit. I'll be fine, meaning I'm certainly not going to put my sobriety at risk. Hehehe, although I had to buy a celebrities magazine today--I need to explain my students tomorrow the difference between citing a scholarly journal and a magazine...and hey! It's important to know "why Pam dumped Kid" or to find out why Tom and Katie are "fighting on honeymoon".... ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D This morning I had a confernce with a student who told me she's completely addicted to the internet, and it really sounds very serious. She's going to a school counselor or something next week, and I made her promise me that she'll bring up the addiction issue. Next time I see her, I'll also try again to make it clear to her that she needs to do something about this. (Frankly, my sense is that she's medicating horrible horrible experiences.) Let's all recover. Johannes
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Post by Mitch on Dec 8, 2006 11:23:33 GMT -5
Johannes, Just dropping in to say that from my view - you journaling appears to be great therapy for you - as it should be. I am impressed by how far you have matured in your recovery. I may be repeating myself by saying that, but the words had to leave my fingers again after reading your journal. As a teacher you are touching lives in ways you will never know. God is smiling. I try to go with the flow and do my best... that's all any of us can do. Perfection is not reality. Uncertainty is reality-but that's where the serenity prayer comes in as a reminder, a healing gift of words. CV - the "devious and sweet primate" I love it! Hi CV! Johannes, I feel confident that the interviews will come and you will do well. It seems to me that when you let go, you believe in who you are - I mean the blessed soul you are, not the whispering lizard on your shoulder. (Yeah, I know you're not a CS Lewis fan - deal with it!). ;D Peace and recovery today, Mitch
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Post by Stillhopeful on Dec 9, 2006 9:13:28 GMT -5
Hi Johannes, This is a quick note to let you know that I am back from my conference week. And - guess what? I won the Best Paper award at the conference. ;D Wow, that is a first for me. At age 56, would anyone deny me this late-in-life award? I hope not! It certainly came out of the blue and I am still stunned. I was not even intending on attending the award ceremony so it was completely unexpected. I can only say that all the practice on other research papers has helped me improve my papers. Regarding your job applications: you will be successful and you will get a job. It is just a matter of time. The only challenge you have is to continue trying. I also suggest you let your friend know that you don't want to hear about his interviews as it makes you feel anxious about your own future. It's a challenge to tell him this, I know, but you do not have to listen to him bragging - and that's what he is doing. I would be avoiding him wherever possible, as well. Believe in yourself. And plan some research, if that is what is needed. Make a start. I really like your journal - as Mitch also noted. By openly sharing you open yourself to us and we can better advise. Well done for that. Still
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