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Post by johannes3 on Oct 30, 2006 17:34:35 GMT -5
Johannes is starting a new journal....
I went to my meditation group today, and the instructor talked about why meditation is important. It's like recovery: commiting myself to meditation means commiting myself to finding out who I am and being willing to live in reality, and not in my fantasy world.
So far so good--but there's still this super-loud voice inside me saying, "No way, Johannes. We are not going down that path of discovering the real Johannes. Cause that means experiencing loads and loads of pain and fear--yeah, they say there's joy underneath--but damn it, it's not worth the suffering."
Not sure where this post is going. Guess I just want to say, I don't have to be ashamed of seeking recovery (Does this sound strange?); I mean, I really don't know what life in recovery is all about. Could somebody remind me that this journey is important?
Lots of stuff going on--for the record, I slipped again Saturday night; I'll write more about this soon.
I'm terrified of living without distractions.
From darkness to light?
Johannes (Day 1)
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Post by aslan on Oct 30, 2006 23:08:33 GMT -5
Johannes,
Our need or desire for recovery is perhaps best summed up in "A Vision for You" from he AA Big Book.
"We realize we know only a little. God will constantly disclose more to you and to us. Ask Him in your morning meditation what you can do each day for the man who is still sick. The answers will come, if your own house is in order. But obviously you cannot transmit something you haven't got. See to it that your relationship with Him is right, and great events will come to pass for you and countless others. This is the Great Fact for us.
Abandon yourself to God as you understand God. Admit your faults to Him and to your fellows. Clear away the wreckage of your past. Give freely of what you find and join us. We shall be with you in the Fellowship of the Spirit, and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the Road of Happy Destiny. "
May I also remind you of another favorite extract of mine from "How it Works"
"The spiritual life is not a theory. We have to live it. Unless one's family expresses a desire to live upon spiritual principles we think we ought not to urge them. We should not talk incessantly to them about spiritual matters. They will change in time. Our behavior will convince them more than our words. We must remember that ten or twenty years of (sex addiction) would make a skeptic out of anyone.
There may be some wrongs we can never fully right. We don't worry about them if we can honestly say to ourselves that we would right them if we could. Some people cannot be seen -we sent them an honest letter. We should be sensible, tactful, considerate and humble without being servile or scraping. As God's people we stand on our feet; we don't crawl before anyone.
If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them. "
I hope this helps. Take care.
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Post by Stillhopeful on Oct 31, 2006 5:42:13 GMT -5
It's ok to be terrified, Johannes. If you sit with the terror for a while - just sit with it - your mind will eventually become bored with it and will think of something else more pleasant (and healthy) - eg, going out for coffee, reading a good book, preparing for a lesson, and so on.
Keep us posted on the meditation and how you are doing,
Still
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Post by johannes3 on Oct 31, 2006 23:36:49 GMT -5
Aslan and Still,
Thank you so much for your support. It's good to know that there are people who haven't yet given up on me.
Is there anything different to my previous attempts at staying clean? Oh there've been many of those attempts since I've joined this board.
One thing that's different this time around is, I'm not very hopeful. Who knows, maybe that'll help me stay humble.
I'm setting November 1 as my sobriety date.
I'm scared of meditating just like I'm scared of recovery. I've been extremely successful at running away from all kinds of stuff, and I guess one great way to avoid dealing with all the wounds has, for me, always been simply denying that there's some painful stuff I need to deal with.
I'm a bit under the weather, and that heightens my sense of gloominess.
I'll write more tomorrow.
Johannes (November 1, 2006)
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Post by Stillhopeful on Nov 1, 2006 5:30:49 GMT -5
Well keep hanging in there, Johannes. Whether hopeful or not hopeful, what matters is to keep exploring and learning. Give the meditation a try. You are trying to guess what will happen on meditation. How can you guess such a thing? I am sure it will all turn out to be a useful experience. I hope you try it soon. If any issue comes out of it, it will be one you can handle. Trust yourself.
Still
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Post by johannes3 on Nov 11, 2006 23:00:56 GMT -5
Haven't been updating my journal in a while.
I'm not doing well, and only have a week of sobriety under my belt. Tonight, I'm feeling the familiar acting-out pull.
But something struck me a few minutes ago: if I don't act out, then the words I say and write can become meaningful again.
I asked the meditation teacher why she said that meditation was the most important thing in her life. She responded, "Meditation helps me reach that place of peace and joy beneath all those heaps of pain and suffering."
And something about things I enjoy: I had a moment today where I realized--FELT--that this "I'm only allowed to reward myself with, say, a movie, if I've done work" thinking is neither healthy nor productive. Instead, I thought, if just for a second, that the things I enjoy are what can give direction to my work.
I watched a 1962 movie on dvd today: "David and Lisa."
Let's all recover.
Johannes
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Post by findingjoy on Nov 12, 2006 0:58:18 GMT -5
I remember when I left here one time. I had begun to think that all I was doing here was just amounting to verbal masturbation.
I'm learning though that the more time we spend with recovery-minded people, in a recovery-based environment the less appeal addiction has for us. Especially with journalling. We gain awareness. That awareness begins to seep into our everyday life to the point where we live more consciously. Does that make sense?
I heard someone in AA say, "AA ruined drinking for me." And they were grateful.
I think the same thing happens here. Knowing others are like-minded and actually care about your life and sobriety and maturity and character development, makes us more responsible with our choices.
Oooooh. That was good.
fj
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Post by Matt on Nov 12, 2006 2:34:22 GMT -5
Hi Johannes,
Glad you started a journal. I can give a big thumbs up to meditation. I've been doing it for about 3 years and it has helped my awareness grow alot. Reading on this board, I notice that alot of recovery is simply being aware of whats going on in the mind. Thats what meditation is about. My teacher has told me that meditation is "knowing what is happening while it is happening, and it doesn't matter what it is that is happening". So you come to accept yourself and become friends with yourself.
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Aslan, I couldn't agree more.
Stay strong.
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Post by johannes3 on Nov 12, 2006 13:57:42 GMT -5
It makes sense to me. For me, recovery means right now not just not acting-out. I'm feeling a bit like in the first days of my longest sobriety streak (July 2001-Feb 2002): in those first days, I was not constantly distracting myself, and it was such a strange and scary experience. I'm feeling something like it now. The best way I can describe it is that I'm somehow "heavier"--what I mean is that everything I do (say, my hands moving on my laptop right now) has some kind of added weight, has more intensity. I can tell that this is what it means for me to be actually living, instead of distracting myself. Back in 2001, this time came to an end when I began falling in love with a fellow SA on another support board. Falling in love was, I need to be honest here, a way to distract myself from reality. Yes, it kept me sober, and at the end of the year I thought I had been healed of the addiction.
Now it's 5 years later, and since then, 3 months has been my longest time of remaining sober. And well, as I wrote, last night I was very close to acting out--because I don't want to feel what is actually happening. But I'm proud of myself that I got through that crisis.
Journaling. Yes. And the journal here is a wonderful place for me.
I am glad you wrote, Joy.
Matt, thanks for stopping by! I'm excited to hear you've been meditating for three years. Wow!!
I am not feeling very competent around my teaching these days. And I'm scared about the upcoming faculty observation.
Let's all recover.
Johannes
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Post by Stillhopeful on Nov 13, 2006 7:14:55 GMT -5
Johannes, I don't think anyone feels truly competent, teaching, if it is any consolation. The greatest teachers in the world do not feel competent about their teaching. Why? Because it has to be one of the most difficult skills of all. When you think of the wide range of students whom you must teach, all with different backgrounds, personalities, characters, and expectations, is it any wonder? Nowadays students are like customers and have far greater expecations of their teachers. We in turn have greater expectations of ourselves.
In other words, your concerns about teaching are the norm. It may help you to really internalise this truth.
best wishes,
Still
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Post by choselife on Nov 13, 2006 9:16:38 GMT -5
Hi, Johannes. Just stopping in to say hello.
I will meditate this morning. I don't know why I keep putting this off; I think part of it is precisely why it is important for me to meditate, which is that my mind is frequently frantically running from one thought to another, very few of which are in the present.
CL
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Post by johannes3 on Nov 15, 2006 19:29:57 GMT -5
I started writing about myself on Abel's thread...let me paste it in here and continue a bit, if I can....
....I said "meditation" cause I feel that's about getting my mind back into the present moment--right now, I'm everywhere but here. I have not done one bit of work today, but am sitting helplessly paralyzed in my room. I talked to a few friends on the phone. I spent about an hour pondering whether it's okay to have 4 recommendation letters sent to a college if they've only requested 3, and I said I'd only send them 3. Paralyzed. This was all triggered by a college that sent me an e-mail yesterday, asking for more material. Is that good news? Yes and No. No because I'm obsessing about, and also thinking this is an evangelical Christian school I shouldn't have applied for in the first place.
Paralyzed. I can write that word 35 more times. And here's the bitter truth: I could get out of this funk by acting-out. Well, that's what my addict says--by acting-out, this despair recedes, and afterwards I can somehow function again, shame-based. But that's not the whole truth--because I haven't yet actually mentioned that I ended up acting out this weekend; so that "method" isn't helping longterm.
What would help is getting to the depth of what's going on with me, and talking about it. I just feel totally overwhelmed, and am running away from all the work I should be doing. I have two more teaching days before Thanksgiving, and I just hope I get through them somehow, and that the faculty observation won't be on those days.
I'm totally disorganized. I need to clean up my room, clean up my desk. This mess is a sign of how overwhelmed I am. As I said, ironically, this latest bout of despair was triggered by what seems to be good news, a college asking for more Johannes info. But I'm getting now what the Buddha said about suffering being a result of our attachments--since I've heard from that college, I'm totally fearsome about all this application stuff, and my mind is totally fragmented. I've wasted most of the day online, researching the college--I probably know their website better than their webmaster now! And then the confusion about which recommendation letters to send. I'm just not handling it.
I'm compulsively checking my e-mail, and don't even know what I'm expecting.
I'm two days sober. And in contrast to Sunday night, I won't act out. I don't really know why not, but I'm just gonna see what happens when I don't act out, and also stop the procrastinating behavior of today. Oh, actually I can tell what might happen: I might just totally dissolve and start crying. That wouldn't be a bad thing. (Remember, I never cry. Whenever I needed to cry, I would act out. That's what I've done for 15 years, and it's hard to break that cycle.)
At least I'm writing something here. What do I do after sending off this post? Just now, after writing that question, I almost lost it emotionally--I was looking around, thinking about the dishes I need to do, the essays I need to sort out, and the letters I need to send off applicationwise. Of course, I can do these things, one step at a time. Maybe I'm in mild panic attack mode? Oh, and I've been dragging a cold around for some time; coughing a lot.
Here's what I'm going to do now: I will send off this message, and will then turn off the computer immediately (promised!). I will then take 5 minutes to listen to Simon and Garfunkel's song, "America." (It's weird, I dreamt of that song last night.) After that, I will do the dishes and clean up the kitchen. Then I'll make a tea for my throat. Then I'll clean up my desk. And then, well, I think then I have to figure out what the most urgent school work is. I need to clear my mind about that first.
Just as I was about to send this off, I realized my first thought was "Oh, and then let me check my e-mail again before shutting down the computer!" Why? It's the hope for some kind of communication, some kind of soothing, and relieving of my despair and isolation--that's what acting out is about too, of course. Why don't I call up a friend and tell him/her about my situation? It would also only alleviate things a bit. We'll see.
I'll check in again perhaps in a few hours. First the dishes!!!
Johannes
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Post by choselife on Nov 15, 2006 19:54:32 GMT -5
Johannes, Its scary how much I relate to all that you posted. I hope that helps in a small way. Its a mystery to me too. the only way to get out of the funk is one moment at a time, and I know that is easier said than done.
Hang in there, be kind to youself realizing that it is a challenging journey, and hopefully that will help a little bit.
I'm with you in spirit.
CL
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Post by johannes3 on Nov 15, 2006 23:11:49 GMT -5
Johannes, Its scary how much I relate to all that you posted. I hope that helps in a small way. It helps a lot, CL. Thank you. I truly believe we're both getting close to what's happening with us--and then so often, shy away by acting out. I'm so unsure as to where all of this is going--as I said, tears are just on the verge of welling up when I pause for a moment, and don't distract myself. My plan started out alright, got the dishes done, did a little bit of cleaning up, and was then ready to work a bit--but then I ended up procrastinating again. Now it's 11:00, and I don't know what to do. Only good thing is I didn't act out. I'm sitting here on my bed, hesitating on what words to write, and just feeling so useless. And it's weird, once I get my act together, and devote myself to my job obligations, things are often not that huge mountains as I make them to be. Oh well. I'll sign off now. Let's all recover. Johannes
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Post by silent and still on Nov 16, 2006 1:13:53 GMT -5
I applauud and encourage every ounce of effort placed into mindfulness practice. I began sitting about two years ago and picked up Loving Kindness, Generosity, Compassion, Sympathetic Joy, and the Five Precepts along the way from then to now. I am certainly not fully developed in any of these skills, but I am commited to there development in face of pain and habbit. Meditation is challenging, can be frustrating, and can be very lonely. Still it is worth the effort as life becomes more and more an intuitive endevor rather than a calculated presentation. The Path is the Goal and the Goal is the Path. Everybody is perfect already with plenty of room for improvement. These attitudes can be developed and with practice make day to day crap a walk in the park. It actually gets to the point of "should I do a sitting meditation or should I relax and do Loving Kindness, or perhaps Generosity practice?" Porn or not porn simply ceases to be the question.
Keep it up,
Paul
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