|
Post by johannes3 on Nov 25, 2006 21:29:34 GMT -5
Hehehe, Still--I'm happy to say I'm writing from the coffee shop. I totally lucked out: it was almost empty when I arrived here an hour ago. But 20 minutes after my arrival (and also now), it's packed. I have to laugh imagining the scenario of meek Johannes bullying someone out of their table (well, okay, you didn't suggest that--but I suspect your sister-in-law does that kind of stuff? But then I'm not sure I like her.... ) Today is a better day. Although this morning, it took me much longer than expected to get two job applications underway--but then I strolled to the post office; it was a beautiful day, and I talked to a friend on the phone while on my way. I'm mentioning this because I felt relaxed, and talked very excitedly about "Six Feet Under," the show I've been overdosing on. By the way, this show also features a sex addict (in the last episode I watched, she saw a therapist for the first time, but dismissed the suggestion she might have a problem); so that's interesting for me. I was struck by something Brenda (the addict) says at some point. She's just spent the night acting out sexually, and the next day she's at a party, rather drunk, and tells the mother of her boyfriend: "I crossed a line last night--and you know what the most horrible thing is, these lines just exist in our minds, there aren't any lines in reality, and that makes everything so damn difficult." I'm relatively pleased with my job applications. I've only got a dozen out there, but half of them, I think, are really strong. Let's see what happens......... Making time for myself. So difficult. It's now 9:30. I did get some grading done this afternoon, and around 7 I told myself to call it a day. I was then tempted to stay at home, but I then quickly noticed I'd just have fallen into a stupor and spent hours on youtube and wikipedia. So I packed my laptop--and here a Johannes first: for the first time, I dared to transport it in my backpack, instead of the cumbersome carrying bag--and headed towards the coffee shop, thinking, if I don't get a table, that's alright, I'm enjoying this walk at night. I wrote a long e-mail, and now I'm here on the board. All good stuff, though not neccessarily relaxing. But when I've signed off the board, I'll allow myself 30 minutes of reading in the big Jane Austen collection I brought along. Let's all recover. Johannes
|
|
|
Post by Stillhopeful on Nov 26, 2006 1:39:04 GMT -5
I enjoyed your post, Johannes. I'm happy the day and evening went well and you made really great decisions throughout the day, in my opinion.
Will catch up tomorrow -
Still
|
|
|
Post by johannes3 on Nov 26, 2006 14:32:55 GMT -5
Thanks, Still! It was really a good day yesterday. After leaving the coffee shop, I ended up on the phone with a friend, with another long and helpful conversation about Buddhism..... Ah, and I was very happy reading Jane Austen. Today's started slow. I got up late, and then spent some procrastination time online, checking out the places I've applied to jobwise--it's presumably somewhat premature reading up on the climate situation in, say, Mobile, Alabama, before even having had any kind of interview. Hehehe, it'd probably be too warm down there for me anyway...my current favorite is Northwestern Arkansas. Or, maybe even better, a cool progressive city in South Dakota: Sioux Falls.....daydreaming, I know..... I finally packed my bag and schlepped myself to the coffee shop. I've been finding it difficult to concentrate on preparing classes, I think because I'm rather clueless as to what to do over the last weeks of the term (but still having to worry about the impending faculty visit). At least I managed to locate an article that I may distribute in class on Tuesday. Better than nothing. I'm a bit concerned about my health right now--I haven't been exercising at all for some time now, and I think that's increasing the issues I'm having with my right leg/hip; as a result of my cerebral palsy gait, my right hip joint have been pretty worn down, and now it's often pretty painful walking. Something tends to get inflammed down there. I have seen physical therapists in the past for this, and there's a list of exercises they've prescribed for me. When I opened the Jane Austen book last night, the first few minutes I was barely able to read--it seemed as if my eyes and mind have gotten so used to at staring a computer screen, and reading words from a screen. In the past, I've made all these vows to reduce my internet use. You see, I don't have a TV because I'll just go crazy in front of it. Well, internet is even worse. I'm finding I'm less scared of life when I'm just doing what the present moment asks me to do. It's 2:30 now. I'll go shopping and then make some lunch. I'm noticing that it's getting easier for me to write about myself in this journal. This is huge progress for me. Let's all recover. Johannes
|
|
|
Post by choselife on Nov 26, 2006 21:33:39 GMT -5
Simple, yet very profound in its simpliciity! Great words for me to live by (and apparently you)
CL
|
|
|
Post by Stillhopeful on Nov 27, 2006 8:35:25 GMT -5
Your writing here has definitely loosened up, Johannes. What have we released here? A new man, that's what. You are really expressing yourself well and communicating heart to heart with your friends here - and with the universe. I am enjoying reading your journal.
Still
|
|
|
Post by Disciple on Nov 27, 2006 11:20:30 GMT -5
johannes,
I read your journal from time to time because I find it very helpful. Just want you to know that. Also, I was going to encapsulate your quote about being less afraid, but CL already did and said it all!
All the best, Disciple
|
|
|
Post by LeopoldMozart on Nov 27, 2006 17:02:45 GMT -5
Dear Johannes:
I too really liked that simple line you wrote about confronting the fearfulness of living by simply living in the present moment, and doing what it requires. I've found that to be true in my life, although I would word it differently. Since I'm not a Hell-bound Buddhist heathen but instead a justified and sanctified Christian (N.B. my Christian vocabulary just in case you get that interview at John Brown Univ.), what makes me invulnerable to the fear of daily living is constantly asking my Higher Power, "What should I do today? What should I be doing right now? What should I do that leads to my deepest happiness and joy?" In particular, that sort of prayer makes me less afraid to call people I haven't talked to in a while, or people who I have offended with one of my thoughtless comments.
I should start following 6 feet under. I saw half of one episode the other day, where a young mentor undertaker was totally hungover from his night of homosexual debauchery and couldn't do his job, so the undertaker in training had to do everything. Funny and embarrassing and sad all at once, just like my life.
I'm also totally addicted to YouTube. Well, actually, I don't think the problem for me is YouTube; my problem is my 3 hazelnut white chocolate sportsbars and 9 oz bag of barbeque ruffles that I have at my side while I'm downloading music videos of the 70's pop legends. [trigger](Anyone who can go on YouTube without being triggered: hurry up before it's gone! There's a duet from the mid 70's of Elton John and Olivia Newton John singing Candle in the Wind! Just think: the #1 male and female artists of their era singing a song that was almost completely unknown at the time (10 or so years before Princess Di's death). Yowsa!)[/trigger]
I agree with Stillhopeful: it is wonderful to learn more about your life and your feelings through your journal, Johannes. I can't wait to hear about your interviews when they start happening.
Take care, Johannes! LM
|
|
|
Post by johannes3 on Nov 27, 2006 19:14:24 GMT -5
Still, CL, Disciple, Leo...... Thank you all so much for your kind words. That's so sweet----hmm, and apparently that one line of mine would qualify as--yes!--a board gem???!!!! Yippee!!! Oh darn, but it's not allowed to nominate yourself. Ah well.... A new man? I also feel that something's loosening up inside me; it doesn't yet always come as second nature to me. But I'm feeling that in this journal I'm beginning to, well, think and worry less, and instead spend more time simply communicating about my life. I don't know exactly where the change is coming from. It's so strange: I think I've mentioned before that one reason I'm called to be a writing teacher is because I'm so good at convincing my students that their thoughts are important, and that--regardless of for how many years their voices have been silenced--they have something to say. Maybe I'm starting to apply this wisdom to myself.... I don't know, and I'm wary of analyzing too much--because that'll just block my writing again, and I'll worry again about every word I put down. I'm glad I'm becoming a bit more active on the board again, and I want to check out more of the other journals... Hehehe, Leo, I'm totally happy to tell more about my job search situations--but not if you don't respond to Still's request to tell us more about the time you tore up a textbook in front of your class! Yeah, John Brown University--a lil' Christian college in Northwestern Arkansas-- is my top choice right now--and yes, in the case of an interview I should probably use your vocabulary. Instead of getting into an interview situation like, "So Johannes, tell us more about your relationship with our Lord Jesus Christ!"--"Oh yeah, I think Jesus was a great bodhisattva, you know, one of those Buddhists who vow to forsake personal enlightenment until all sentient beings have found enlightenment." Well, but the meditation group here on campus met today, and it was great: it was a beautiful, spring-like day here in Beautiful Town, and so we decided to meditate outside, and we started with a walking meditation: it's where you walk slowly, paying attention to each step. Later, the meditation leader said, this meditation is also about being grateful for such simple things as walking. It was peculiar for me: as I mentioned, walking is actually rather difficult and painful for me these days, but during the meditation, I did have moments of presence nonetheless. And also, one great thing about walking meditation is that you liberate yourself from having to reach a goal, which is of course what I usually associate with walking. I have lots and lots of work to do tonight, but wanted to check in here first. One thing I'm excited about: I came up with in my mind a great final essay assignment for one of my classes: these are all first-year students, and so in this assignment I want them to identify one thing about our school that they feel should be improved, and then formulate a detailed letter (or maybe there's another form they could use?) to the people who are in charge of this aspect. In this letter, they're supposed to clearly outline the issue at hand, figure out a way to solve the problem, and write this all in a manner that the recipient will likely take action. So a) This assignment can teach them a lot about rhetorical strategies, and b) Hopefully, some of these letters will actually be sent out!!! Talk about hands-on learning. Leo, about "Six Feet Under": definitely check out the pilot episode of the first season--I was just spellbound by it. I'd love to chat more (this is so healing for me, you have no idea), but I need to get a few hours of work under my belt.... Let's all recover. Johannes
|
|
|
Post by Stillhopeful on Nov 28, 2006 1:35:42 GMT -5
Loved your lpost above, Johannes. I can feel your zest for life when reading it. It isn't surprising you are finding your own voice when you are teaching that subject to others. It makes a whole lot of sense! As does... My rushing off to the coffee shop which closes at 7pm and it's already 5.35pm. I will be back later, refreshed, ready to comment on your post above in detail. Still
|
|
|
Post by Stillhopeful on Nov 28, 2006 5:51:37 GMT -5
Hi again Johannes, I believe you've been sleeping the entire time since I sent my post. In that time, I've been for coffee, bought food for dinner, done some gardening in the evening (it is light until late now here), and enjoyed a barbeque cooked by my partner. So now it's night time and I'm about to do a work-related task (related to assessment reports for the Faculty). But first, let me comment on your great post above. I also feel that something's loosening up inside me; it doesn't yet always come as second nature to me. But I'm feeling that in this journal I'm beginning to, well, think and worry less, and instead spend more time simply communicating about my life.That's really wonderful, Johannes. I think this is going to be part of the recovery for you - learning that people do love to hear about you and your life. You need to have your life validated, daily. We all do. So it's important for each of us to share with someone - our friends, colleagues, anyone who will listen - and have our actions, thoughts and feelings validated. I don't know exactly where the change is coming from. It's so strange: I think I've mentioned before that one reason I'm called to be a writing teacher is because I'm so good at convincing my students that their thoughts are important, and that--regardless of for how many years their voices have been silenced--they have something to say. Maybe I'm starting to apply this wisdom to myself.... I don't know, and I'm wary of analyzing too much--because that'll just block my writing again, and I'll worry again about every word I put down.I do think you are onto something here. I am sure your words to students are affirmations to yourself that this is what you, too, should be doing. Hehehe, Leo, I'm totally happy to tell more about my job search situations--but not if you don't respond to Still's request to tell us more about the time you tore up a textbook in front of your class!I couldn't agree more. ;D Come on, LM, 'fess up now! The job search is important and I also look forward to hearing more about this particular journey. Remember: wherever you end up, that is where you are meant to be, for now, and you can do a lot of good there. I really believe we, as earnest, well-meaning teachers, can contribute positively wherever we are put. The walking meditation sounded good. I tend to amble anyway. I notice a lot of people like walking quickly and rushing along. One of my daughters does that. I asked her a while back why she walks quickly and she said she wants to get to her destination faster so she can relax there. I don't have that attitude at all. I am simply enjoying walking along. I don't see it as wasted time and that the only time that matters is when you reach your destination. How do you feel about this issue? I came up with in my mind a great final essay assignment for one of my classes: these are all first-year students, and so in this assignment I want them to identify one thing about our school that they feel should be improved, and then formulate a detailed letter (or maybe there's another form they could use?) to the people who are in charge of this aspect. In this letter, they're supposed to clearly outline the issue at hand, figure out a way to solve the problem, and write this all in a manner that the recipient will likely take action. So a) This assignment can teach them a lot about rhetorical strategies, and b) Hopefully, some of these letters will actually be sent out!!! Talk about hands-on learning.That's a fantastic idea, Johannes. You are certainly innovative and all your proposed teaching ideas (set down on this board) have been interesting and valuable. Keep us posted, Still
|
|
|
Post by recoveringoffender on Nov 28, 2006 10:34:28 GMT -5
Johannes,
I just started following your Journal, but I'm really enjoying it so far.
Northwest Arkansas is definitely one of the most beautiful areas of the US, IMNSHO. But then again, I was born and raised in Arkansas. I could make a lot more money elsewhere. But I have no desire to leave Arkansas.
Good luck with your job search!
|
|
|
Post by johannes3 on Nov 28, 2006 23:40:40 GMT -5
It's been a very long day, and a roller-coaster of emotions--and there were times today where I felt so tempted to bottle everything up, and not speak. But I'm writing in here tonight, instead of just avoiding my feelings. Still, you wrote that I'm "learning that people do love to hear about you and your life. You need to have your life validated, daily. We all do. So it's important for each of us to share with someone - our friends, colleagues, anyone who will listen - and have our actions, thoughts and feelings validated." Those words are helpful. I think when upsetting things happen, I have ths tendency to just be quiet; I always would act out instead. So anyway, since this is my journal I'll talk about my day (I'm just gonna write, and disregard that voice inside me that says I shouldn't be babbling)...it got off to a funny-hectic start because I spilled my cereal--cold oatmeal and milk, my daily breakfast for over 20 year now... --over my shirt and pants. So I had to quickly change in order to catch the bus to school. In the morning I had a nice conversation with one of my colleagues, A, and we agreed to have a coffee at the end of the semester to talk about the courses we'll be teaching in the spring. And it was nice to hear her complain about similar things as I do in regards to work. Due to some delays, I didn't get to prepare as much for my courses as I wanted to. Anyway, but the first class--where I had come up with the great assignment--went well, I think. The students were totally excited about gathering ideas about what is in dire need of improvement at our school. They could tell I was serious that this shouldn't just be a writing exercise, but that we'll try to actually do something with what they write in the real world. It looks as if we'll split the class in several different groups that each focus on a specific issue. I personally think it'd be fine if each group then comes up with one written document. And I've told them that this assignment actually asks for lots of work--they have to research solutions for the problems they've brought up, and find a way to articulate themselves that the powers to be will listen. But possibly I'll need to have some kind of written work from each group member. Hehehe, and then we played baseball....we were reading a text called "Throwing Like A Girl," and so I asked one of my students to bring in a baseball and a catcher's mitt...... ;D ;D People were excited talking about the school problems; it was a boisteruous class, and a few minutes before the end, a small wound on my left thumb opened up again, but I only became aware of it when my hand and shirt were getting all bloody. Later, someone also told me I had blood on my face. Anyway, so when I saw the blood I just said, "Okay, this seems like a good moment to end class for today." ;D ;D I should mention that both in this class and in the following one, someone came in at the beginning to distribute the student evaluations. (I had to leave the room while the students filled them out) So I'm glad that's over, and with some luck I'll have okay evaluations. And I guess I can be happy that while the second class totally bombed--I hadn't really prepared anything, and I felt totally embarassed that I asked the same question I had asked the previous class--that all happened after they had filled out the forms. But honestly, I felt totally worthless after that class. So then I went to my adjunct cubicle, waited for a student, and checked my e-mail: we finally got the teaching schedule for the spring. As I opened it up, I was totally stunned: the chair said he had been able to honor almost everyone's request, but when I scrolled down to my name, I was taken aback: while virtually everyone else gets to teach two sections of the same course, I'm scheduled to teach two different courses. I felt that was totally unfair because already this semester I'm teaching two different courses while most of my colleagues (in the same tier) are teaching two sections of one course. Clearly, I had expected that my request to teach two sections of the same course in the spring would be honored--I mean, I was virtually the only person on that list enlisted for double duty. My first reaction was anger and depression. And I felt that temptation to simply bottle everything up--yes, that's of course also shorthand for why I ended up being an addict. But then I thought: okay, why don't I simply write the chair a brief note asking him that in case the schedule will still be changed, that I be assigned two sections of the primary spring course. Of course I said that I don't want to mess with anyone else's schedule, but it was important for me to express my dissatisfaction, and I explicitly explained to him that I felt I was being treated unfairly. This is maybe not a big issue--but for me, it was a huge step not to bottle up, thinking, "Well my needs are irrelevant anyway," but actually express how I feel. Sure, afterwards I second-guessed myself, thinking I was being unreasonable etc. But hey--I think I'll trust my initial reaction. And the school day ended in a strangely harmonious way: remember the student I had been waiting for? Well, at first she had forgotten the conference, and I was annoyed over the bombed class, the stupid spring schedule, and having to take a later bus cause I'd waited for her in vain. But then totally suprisingly she turned up after all, all out of breath and feeling totally bad because she had forgotten the conference, and she was so relieved that I was still in the office--she told me how totally awful she felt, and how this oversight on her part would have completely ruined the day for her. She was genuinely embarassed. So we had a nice moment of mutual understanding there, about how the final thing of an otherwise good day can totally throw you into a loop. I can barely keep my eyes open. My thoughts about walking will have to wait for tomorrow... Let's all recover. Johannes
|
|
|
Post by Stillhopeful on Nov 29, 2006 6:11:25 GMT -5
Hi Johannes, Your day sounded quite exciting and positive, actually, other than the bad news about teaching in two courses. I relate totally to your feeling angry and cheated at this unfairness. It has happened to me many times. Yet it doesn't happen to others. Why not? I can tell you why not. It is because they know you and I are gentle people and will not make a fuss. The other academics make it clear from the beginning that they must have things their way or they will make a huge fuss. So it's easier to give the extra workload to those people who do not regularly kick up a fuss when mistreated - that is, you, and me. Be grateful you have only had this happen for a year or two. For me, it''s been happening for - uh - umm - twenty-five years. From time to time, over the years, i have accidentally overheard some of the conversations (always behind closed doors) between the head of school and the academics who refuse to do the additional course. I overhear the academic speaking loudly and insistently - over and over and over - telling the Head of School that there is no way they can teach two (or three) courses (we call them "units" here). They lie their heads off to get their way. They say things like: "Unit A is a brand new unit to me. i will have enough trouble learning about it and cannot possibly take on another Unit" Head of School: " Oh, but you have to take Unit B as well because..." Academic: ""No! I refuse! I will not take Unit B! I won't!"'(voice growing louder) head of School: "I am sure you can manage it." Academic: "No. I have never studied that topic. I also have to look after my sick father in the hospital and teaching in two units will be absolutely impossible. I REFUSE to do it." and so on. What they also do is remind the workload scheduler over and over about what they want to teach next year. Becoming best buddies with the scheduler helps, too. Bring them coffee daily and laugh at their jokes, and next semester you'll perhaps get a fairer workload. Oops - my cynical side is showing. I look forward to your journal entry tomorrow - Still
|
|
|
Post by choselife on Nov 29, 2006 8:50:04 GMT -5
I appreciate all the detail you put into your post, as it truly gave me the feel for your day. After completing reading it, the thought that popped into my head was "Johannes is really out there, doing lots of stuff, exercising his creativitly, taking chances. Some things work out great, perhaps others not so great, but that is just natural for someone who is so actively living life. And to truly get ahead in life, that is how to live life. Experiencing the thrill of when you try something new, taking a risk, and it works out; going with your gut feeling if something doesn't work out well by treating what didn't work out well as an external event not within your control (by your complaint) even if some part of you feels self-critical). Also I am aware of your "mindfulness". It permeates your day and also your recount of the day as so well expressed in your post.
Not to make this post about myself, but I am only doing what you are doing in dribs and drabs, and that is a setup for losing sobriety, kind of "just a matter of time". What you are doing is a way of living life that will utlimately attack the source of the yearning for losing sobriety.
CL
|
|
|
Post by johannes3 on Nov 29, 2006 22:33:26 GMT -5
I think I'm just starting to realize how precious--ah, I wish one could still use this word without the Gollum association --this journal can be for me. Just telling you and telling myself how my day went, that's such a new concept for me. Hmmm. It's been a mixed day, and I want to start with the most important moment: this morning I allowed myself to watch the rest of an episode of "Six Feet Under," and well, there was a totally amazing scene, which I'm cherishing for my own recovery: so Brenda is explaining why she became a sex addict, and she's talking to her fiancee (Nate), though they've just broken up. And she tells him she acted out with other men because was sensing that she actually loved him, and that scared her. And then she said the words that have been going through my mind this whole day. Why did she act out? "It was the fear of feeling something real." Wow. That just hit home with me. After finishing the dvd, I noticed how I was getting into my typical "It's not a teaching day, so Johannes will procrastinate and then feel upset at the end of the day" mode. So I packed my laptop into my bag, and headed for the coffee shop. Well, first I dropped off the dvd in the mailbox--and honestly, I almost had tears in my eyes, as those words were going through my head. It reminds me of the only time I ever choked up during therapy. It was when I suddenly realized and told my therapist that acting-out was the only place that was left for me where I could have emotions. Anyway, then off to the coffee shop--but no! Every table full. Okay, I thought, I'll try out Still's suggestion, and sat outside for a while (it's currently pretty warm in Beautiful Town), and graded a paper--that went okay, though it's always so tedious for me to write end comments by hand; I think my handwriting has about 20% of non-cp people's speed, and it's just so cumbersome. But so then I head back to the coffee shop, and clearly, I had mistimed things: lots of new people there, and although I did get a table, all the four power outlets were already taken by stupid people who bring their laptops to the coffee shop, ignoring my privileges! And since the battery span of my ol' notebook is approx. 7 minutes (no kidding), I just gloomily sat at my table, and self-righteously looked at those 4 laptops and their owners, typing away around me. I stayed for about an hour, just getting one paper commented, and since no one felt like leaving, I went home to work. First thing I did was check my e-mail--and it was amazing: our chair responded to my complaint, and simply said it was his mistake, and he adjusted my schedule, so I'm only teaching two sections of one course, as everyone else. Gosh, and I was so close to not saying anything. So that was a great experience all around. I got into pretty good work mode for the rest of the day, and did some good essay feedbacking per e-mail. So that was good. But now it's already 10:30, and I'm a bit upset with myself because I then rewarded myself with watching the two next episodes of "Six Feet Under," and not only were they pretty bad, but I just fell into a zone-out mode. But now I'm here and writing this all down, and trying to think, it doesn't matter whether this is totally boring or interesting what I'm writing. I often would never say anything to people I cared about because I was always so afraid of boring them. So sad. Oh right, walking--so here's a conversation I had oh maybe 20 years ago with the wisest woman on this planet--I mean, of course, my mom.....so I was telling her that I always found it so annoying to walk home from the grocey store with all those heavy bags, and then she just simply said: "I know what you mean, Johannes. So what I do, I just take my time, and regard this way back home as a pleasurable walk in itself, not worrying about how far I have to go." Something like one day at a time, I guess. Let's all recover. Johannes
|
|