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Post by johannes3 on Nov 16, 2006 1:48:13 GMT -5
Thank you for those incredibly inspiring words, Paul. I truly appreciate them--and you're giving me further incentive to become serious about meditation practice. It seems my life is really pushing me into this direction.
Peace,
Johannes
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Post by elsilento on Nov 16, 2006 1:52:03 GMT -5
Hey Johannes, dropping by your to journal. Remember something, you aren't alone in your struggle. I hope meditation is doing you well.
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Post by Stillhopeful on Nov 16, 2006 6:16:50 GMT -5
Johannes, There is no need to be anxious about the letters. It won't matter if you send too many. It doesn't matter if you applied to an evangelist Christian college (or whatever it is). None of it matters as you did ok. You sent some letters. You made some decisions. You can make the best of any place that accepts you - any place at all. It doesn't matter which one it is - the best college in the world or the worst. The most Christian or the most secular. You are going to make a difference, wherever you end up. There will be students there who need you, and they will be lucky to have you. So don't beat yourself up about needing to make the "right" decisions on these things. Same goes for the dishes. They will eventually get done. My kitchen is a huge sty right now (short for pigsty ). However I don't feel bad not doing it as I know I need to write to you now and I know it will eventually get done. Are last week's dishes still in the sink? See? They are not. They were done, by now. Are any of the things you are worrying about today going to matter in 15 years' time? If not, then do not worry aobut them. It's a pretty good guideline, I've found. cheers - Still
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Post by johannes3 on Nov 16, 2006 22:42:03 GMT -5
Still, It's hard to express how wonderful your words are for me. I read your thoughts this morning, and I felt a sense of peace and clarity of mind come to me. I cannot thank you enough for your caring response. And it had an immediate practical effect: I was printing out the letter for the credentials office at my old school which has my rec. letters on file. So first I changed the number from 4 to 3 letters. But then I realized, no, I want those colleges to see that fourth letter, that's important for me, and I no longer worried as I did yesterday, whether that's okay or not, whether I'm doing something wrong, etc. I felt very good and happy about this decision--and I know, I wouldn't have realized it if I hadn't read your post ;D ;D Also, I am grateful that you've been devoting time to others (like me!!), although you've indicated that things have been rough for you jobwise. Maybe it helps if I remind you of what you told me: regardless of the dire situation you may be in, your presence is meaningful to your students. You will not be able to convince me that you don't care about your students I'm so glad you're reminding me that I can do good things no matter where I end up teaching. I'll be keeping the board updated about my job search season. Right now, my two most promising applications are for a progressive Christian college in South Dakota (I'd totally love to teach there), and the other one for that evangelical college I'm having second thoughts about; it's in Arkansas. I had a bit of an "aha!" experience two hours ago. I had gotten home, and was trying to clean up. I looked at a packet of envelopes that had to be put away, and first one of my frequent despairing feelings came over me, this "Oh my God, there's so much to clear up here, everything's a mess, and I'm totally paralyzed." But then I continued looking at the envelopes and suddenly felt, "Wow. That's what I'm going to do right now, in this present moment: pick up that stack and put it away." Maybe people may think I'm losing it here, but I tell you: it was an almost mystical feeling of peace and presence--suddenly, everthing felt manageable, because for that moment, there was only that one task. It was great fun putting away those envelopes!!!!!! esilento, thanks for stopping by! I appreciate it..... Let's all recover, Johannes
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Post by Stillhopeful on Nov 17, 2006 6:08:53 GMT -5
Hi Johannes, I am glad my advice helped you to calm down and see the good things you can do, regardless of the choices you make or where you end up working at different times in your life. I didn't plan to be in any of the places I've worked over the past thirty-five years, but I sure did a lot of good for people at each place. My daughter sometimes bumps into an ex-student of mine, who is now some manager or expert at some company or other. They tell her her mother used to teach them and then make some nice (or funny! ) comment about me but it tickles me to hear that they are now doing well. Teaching bears fruit. You are sowing the seeds of a lifetime with each and every student, and will continue to do so wherever you teach. I related to your feelings on seeing the envelopes - I too, came home not an hour ago to see a similar stack. My heart also sank. However, I have since put each one away and felt immediately better. Meanwhile the mess in the kitchen can wait until tomorrow (Saturday) it being 10pm Friday night here. Guess what happened at work today? We had another serious meeting about next year. The boss read us the riot act - two staff to be made redundant. Boy was it tense in the room! Well, it isn't me who will be leaving (I don't believe) as the boss asked me to take on a particular duty next year and (after some negotiation ) I agreed. There are some pretty distressed people at work at present and lots of stuff I cannot mention here going on between some of the staff. While I feel bad for them (very bad, actually) I know I will do some good wherever I am - of that I am determined. We do what is front of us, and that's a good thing! I'll check in tomorrow to see how you are doing. Still
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Post by johannes3 on Nov 19, 2006 23:02:14 GMT -5
Thank you for writing, Still! Wow--I can only imagine how tense things must be at work right now. But that's superb that you're apparently not in the danger zone!!!!!!!!
I had to chuckle hearing how your daughter will hear funny stories about Still the teacher--do you have any anecdotes as funny as the one LeopoldMozart never shares on the board: one time, in front of a class, he tore up the textbook they were using, and then threw it in the trash can.....
Well well well, the weekend has gone by, and I'm, as so often, not very happy with myself. Yeah, I'm sober, but procrastinated through most of the weekend. I'm a bit paralyzed around teaching right now, and am just hoping that the Thanksgiving break will give me a bit of renewed energy. My class preparations are getting worse and worse, and so classes aren't that great, either. Good news is I'm totally motivated for next semester, where I'll probably be teaching two writing and literary studies classes--I'll feel more competent teaching literature, and I'll try to avoid the 259 mistakes I made this semester.....
On to a new week.
Let's all recover,
Johannes
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Post by Stillhopeful on Nov 20, 2006 7:51:37 GMT -5
I regard that as a positive post, Johannes. You are looking forward to next semester, which is great. I laughed at the thought of LM tearing up the textbook in class, by the way. I still think it's funny. I would like to hear the context in which that happened. Maybe LM will drop by here to share? My workplace is awash with rumours and tensions, so I'll keep you posted. Still
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Post by johannes3 on Nov 21, 2006 23:35:17 GMT -5
Still,
I hope you're surviving the workplace tensions!!
And yes: Leo, stop by and tell about the tearing up a textbook incident--else Still and I are stealing three of your teaching awards!!!
Whoa. I somehow dragged myself to the Thanksgiving break--and hey, I've had awful classes, but I've survived it!!!!
I'm very very exhausted, and want to carefully plan the coming week that I also get some rest. I've been completely overdosing on work anxiety for the past few months, and I want to change that.
No news from the job application scene yet.
I'll write more in the next few days.
Let's all recover.
Johannes
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Post by Stillhopeful on Nov 22, 2006 0:15:18 GMT -5
From one survivor to another - cheers! (raising token glass of freshly squeezed fruit juice!)
Keep us posted. I''ll check here each day.
Still
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Post by johannes3 on Nov 22, 2006 13:13:35 GMT -5
From one survivor to another - cheers! (raising token glass of freshly squeezed fruit juice!) Keep us posted. I''ll check here each day. Still And cheers to you, Still!! I'm raising the bottle of "100% pure squeezed" orange juice that I've just consumed at the coffee shop in your honor!! ;D ;D Good thing is, I woke up this morning, thinking: "Okay, for the remaining two and a half weeks of the term, I'm going to re-energize my teaching!!" The Thanksgiving break is an occasion to short-termish recharge my batteries. How are things in Beautiful Town? Hard to say. Yesterday, I was once again annoyed by how things work in our department--so often, people don't do what they said they'd do, and it throws me into a loop. I'm finding I can't often rely on the administrators here doing their job. Just acknowledging that fact, and letting it go. I pride myself in being a very reliable person, and I've always cherished those rare times when I was working with people who had the same attitude. A few years back, when I was pretty involved in Amnesty International, I was one of the two members of our group who would actually spend real time organizing and planning stuff--it was so nice working with a person who had a similar attitude. I'm so proud I made it to the Thanksgiving break. The last three months have been the most challenging in my short teaching career--and hey, I'm totally exicted thinking about how to teach the Spring courses. What's a bit sad is that a few students asked me what section I'd be teaching in the spring, so they could register for that section (Yay!!)--but the department still hasn't assigned the instructors, so it says "Staff" for virtually every section, and they already had to sign up for courses. Oh well. Guess that means spring will see 50 new unsuspecting first-year students dazzled by my teaching charisma... I wanted to share a huge insight I've recently had. A week ago, I was sitting in a coffee shop (actually, in *this* coffee shop), and noticed the hand of a woman who was sitting at the table in front of me. It was such an intense experience, seeing the beauty of a human hand. And then I started looking around, at all the faces and figures of the people in the coffee shop, regardless of whether they were so-called "attractive" or "unattractive" people. Those categories didn't make any sense anymore--I really saw the people in the shop, and felt so clearly, this is the absolute opposite of objectifying. I felt so much love for the people around me. It was a wonderful experience, and I'm training myself in it now. This is a huge key in my recovery, I think. Because I'm starting to feel how fake and uncaring and ugly all this objectifying has been. And it makes my everyday life so happy--it's such a joy to see other people, really see them, and the incredible beauty in all of them. Jobs....I need to continue applying, and not get into paralyzed mode where I think, "Okay, this one college has asked for more material--so maybe they'll end up interviewing me, and giving me a job, and so I'll just lie in bed the whole day, waiting for them to get in touch with me." Let's all recover. Johannes
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Post by Stillhopeful on Nov 23, 2006 8:52:51 GMT -5
Great post, Johannes. I relate to much of what you wrote. You conveyed your thoughts and changing views so clearly. Stay positive. You're doing well! Still
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Post by johannes3 on Nov 24, 2006 22:44:44 GMT -5
Thank you for your encouragement, Still!
I'm trying to stay positive. Today is a difficult day because I'm running out of ways to distract myself--it's at these times that I'd turn to acting out to avoid feeling what's welling up inside me.
And you see, if I had a TV, I'd be sitting in front of it the whole day. I've subscribed to Netflix, but don't have any DVDs at home. And reading has become difficult for me. I'm out of practice, I think, strangely.
I squandered this afternoon, and now I can avoid facing myself by simply going to bed, dissatisfied with the day.
Wow. I can really feel the acting-out pull tonight. No wonder--I'm reaching the two-weeks mark, which is often a critical time for me, and, more importantly, I don't want to feel these feelings of despair and pointlessness.
Sorry, this is a bit incoherent.
Let's all recover.
Johannes
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Post by Stillhopeful on Nov 25, 2006 8:03:55 GMT -5
Hi Johannes,
Please pick up the phone and spend some time with friends. If this isn't feasible, go down to that coffee shop and read there. It's lonely on one's own and even though I have a partner, I still feel lonely regularly and the answer is always to be around people - just being around them. You don't have to be with anyone, but get out there among society. Take a pad and pen and write. Take a book, or magazine.
Still
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Post by johannes3 on Nov 25, 2006 9:52:09 GMT -5
Still,
Yes and no. I've found that in such situations, picking up the phone and talking to a friend can help--but only in that rare case where I'm really able to share my feelings. All too often, I'll talk with my friends, but not really say what's going on, and then I hang up the phone, and feel lonelier than before. Similar with this board. When I'm down, I'll go to the board, but won't have the energy to speak and share. I need to learn this.
And yes, I totally agree, just being amongst people can change my mood quickly--stupidly, the one coffee shop I have close by is sometimes unreliable: meaning I can't always secure a table....that's what actually happened yesterday noon--so I ended up spending the day at home, and fell into this funk.
I've gotten so good at distracting myself all the time.
I need to get out more, do things. I live just a 30 minute bus ride from New York City, and have been to the city only twice. Both times were good times. I somehow need to learn how to make plans for recreation. I'm getting more and more immobile. Watching DVDs on my laptop is a huge improvement over acting out, but it's still slightly pathetic.
I have close friends. They all live somewhere else. I am slow at making new friends in Beautiful Town because this is just a transitional time for me--or so goes the argument that I tell myself it's not worthwhile to meet new people here. And then, since I'm so caught up in my work and job search anxieties, I'm just paralyzed so often.
I am feeling better this morning. Which means I'm able to write a few words in my journal here.
As so often, I'm thinking I need to regulate my internet usage. It's sooo much easier to go online than, say, open up a book--even if that book will ultimately provide me with so much more pleasure.
I'll check in again later today. This morning, I want to finish up a few more job applications, and get some grading done. Then I'll go to the post office.
Let's all recover,
Johannes
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Post by Stillhopeful on Nov 25, 2006 11:12:22 GMT -5
Johannes I fully understand what you wrote. I think the missing piece of the puzzle is that you have to make more of an effort than you expected/expect, to make each occasion enjoyable. The coffee shop situation is a good example. If you already know you can't get a table there sometimes, then you should phone and reserve a table in advance, or choose times to go when tables are usually available, or stand outside and check every five minutes for a table. Yes, these sound like quite a bit of effort just to get into a coffee shop. However, I know some people (eg my sister in law) who are total experts in that kind of thing. She thinks way ahead of all the arrangements and safety nets that have to be set up to ensure she (or her husband or kids) get what they want. She is devoted to this kind of minutiae. I, too, have been known to stand outside the coffee shop, grimly checking to see when a table becomes available. You do your best to appear nonchalant, to keep out of passersby's way, and to still be aware and alert when that precious table becomes available. Then, you do a quick dash for the table. You should see some people at my favourite place. They seem to slide into the place and skate over to the only free table. They quickly sit down and claim it with a newspaper or bag so that no-one else will sit there, then get up and go to the counter to order (we don't have as many waiters/waitresses here as in the US). These people know something you don't know - namely, that small things matter. Whether one gets that last table in the coffee shop matters - or, as a counsellor told me a few years' ago (I haven't been for a few years), once you leave home, it's "survival of the fittest" so you have to be a bit of an animal to get your needs met, while trying to appear dignified. Practice makes perfect. I would love to hear that you went to the coffee shop and waited eagerly outside, pouncing on a table when it became available after a ten minute wait. Join the rest of the concrete jungle! ;D At home, or here, we can be civilised. Out "there", we have to modify this approach if we don't want to be alone. As for confiding in friends, wait for them to express an emotion to which you can relate, then say "I feel that way too. Here is what happened to me today that made me angry" (etc) Let us know your thoughts, Still
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