|
Post by rockwell on Aug 24, 2007 14:00:23 GMT -5
Keep right on to the end of the road, keep right on till the end!
rockwell
|
|
|
Post by amaninfull on Aug 27, 2007 13:06:12 GMT -5
Don't know why I haven't felt like journaling. I am on Day 31 and so far, it has been easier to stop using porn and sex chat than it was to quit smoking. I recognize that the two are not equivalent, but I think it's fair to make a comparison of the difficulty of abstinence.
One great advantage to stopping porn and sex chat - completely absent from stopping cigarettes - was the insight it has provided into a myriad of thought and behavior patterns that have become ingrained. Insight into triggering patterns, certainly, but also into more subtle things like how I look at women, how my fantasy life works, how and why I engage in avoidance behaviors such as porn and sex chat. Most valuable, how these habits of thought and behavior have affected my intimate relationship with my now-wife.
|
|
|
Post by timoteiy on Aug 27, 2007 14:21:13 GMT -5
AMANINFULL- I know what you mean about how much insight is gained when we arrest this addiction. Now I am gaining more insight into the more subtle things that lead me down the road to this addiction.
The absence of the numbing that the addiction provided is making me deal with the painfull reality of how dysfunctional or unmanageable my life has become. I need more strength than I feel I am capable of having to deal with it.
I like the Leonard Cohen quote you use "There is a crack, a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in" I have a friend here who was one who let me stay at his house for a while. Both him and I went to a University years ago where L.Cohen was doing some visiting professor thing. (I was hardly aware of it at the time and wasn't even familiar with his poetry) My friend says he was quite a womaniser.
|
|
|
Post by arctic on Aug 27, 2007 14:37:18 GMT -5
Hi AMIF,
Thank you for visiting my journal the other day and offering some good insights and encouragement.
Just like timotey, I have often viewed addiction as almost a perverse sort of blessing in disguise which has allowed me to become much more sefl-aware and grow as a person more than I otherwise would have. It's not a good thing that we got ourselves addicted in the first place, but since we did get addicted, at least we can glean some insight out of the recovery process.
Thanks also for providing a beautiful description of your celebration. I was able to picture it all! You've got some really good stuff going for you in your life amif. Enjoy it, and appreciate it. The only thing addiction could ever offer you is emptiness.
Oh, and if you keep working on intimacy with your wife, I'm sure it'll work out well in the end.
Take care, Arctic
Ps. Are we talking about Leonard Cohen the singer? He was my dad's favourite artist and I remember this song called 'take this waltz' he'd often listen to. Ah, a bit of nostalgia...
|
|
|
Post by MrOuch on Aug 27, 2007 14:43:35 GMT -5
AMIF,
Very impressive journey. Keep up the good work.
Ain't it amazing what we can do when we're not all porned up? I look at my life nowadays and think what was I doing in that P-fog? I am glad to be here now, enjoying the clarity of a porn-free world.
Peace, MrOuch
|
|
|
Post by amaninfull on Aug 28, 2007 17:45:21 GMT -5
Wow, thanks, everybody, for visiting my journal! It really makes my day.
It makes me realize how deeply I long for a sense of connection. And how I simply never figured out how to create it. There is no question that that is what drove much of my addiction to sex chat: the deep need to find someone who connects with me in a highly specific, highly pleasurable way. But lord, how could I not see how completely those connections were doomed, how ultimately empty they must end up?
On Saturday the 18th I got to spend an entire day with my closest friends and family from around the country, from all periods of my life, sharing in conversation, good food, and good music, in a beautiful setting - my home! And what had brought them all together was love: my wedding to L. I was the happiest man on earth that day - I felt, deeply felt, the connection that I have always craved. Lord knows, it took a lot of time, energy, and money to make that day happen, but it was all worth it. Want to know my favorite part? When I happened to catch two people that I loved, who had never met each other, engaged in a great conversation. That warmed my heart like nothing else.
It is no exaggeration to say that when I was indulging, I was putting all of that at risk. I was systematically damaging my closest relationships, forging new relationships based on nothing but shared kinky fantasies, pouring a ton of time and energy into this "hobby" that had no payoff beyond its little thrill cycle.
I do long for a good sex life with L. But I know that the only way to get there is one baby step at a time. Towards her.
Yes, it is a quote from Leonard Cohen the singer (not much of a singer, actually, but a genius of a songwriter).
|
|
|
Post by timoteiy on Aug 28, 2007 20:03:50 GMT -5
You are right on the money there when you talk about longing for a sence of connection amif
I can remember as a teenager some friends giving me a gift together. It was a wonderfull thing but for reasons I didn't understand I went outside and bawled uncontrollably. I was so lonely inside but didn't know it.
Your description of your wedding and the close gathering of friends tells me you have that connection. Put a ring on your finger or something so that you can remember this day.
|
|
|
Post by rockwell on Aug 29, 2007 13:41:29 GMT -5
Amaninfull,
Great insight on connecting with others. YOu are right about damaging relationships through fantacies. We need to keep our relationships Real and honest. That is the healthy way to live. Take care.
rockwell
|
|
|
Post by suedehead on Aug 29, 2007 14:39:33 GMT -5
Hey AMIF. So glad to hear of the good news! Just want to send my congratulations on everything. You are making progress on a lot of fronts. Thanks for the example.
Best,
suedehead
|
|
|
Post by amaninfull on Aug 30, 2007 1:38:46 GMT -5
Wow, thanks for visiting, Timoteiy, Rockwell, and suedehead. It really helps.
I am on Day 34. I am becoming convinced that patience is the key. These habits of thought and behavior weren't created in an hour - they were created with hour after hour, week after week, year after year of powerful reinforcement. So they won't go away in an hour, a week, or a month. Every day that goes by without that reinforcement weakens those habits. Patience, perseverence. My relationship will not heal in a day or a month. My relationship with my sexuality will not heal in a month. Perseverence. Piling on the days. When the thought train makes a turn down the wrong track, firmly reroute it. Time after time after time.
And one day, I am sure of it, I will wake up and realize that I am free.
And I will know peace.
|
|
|
Post by timoteiy on Aug 30, 2007 23:29:45 GMT -5
That's a good simple reminder for me: "Every day that goes by without the re-inforcements weakens the habits."
This addiction manifests itself in so many ways. It distorts my viewpoint of the world, of relationships, of women and men. I have been so absorbed in it that the distortion is a form of insanity. I understand that I need my emotional awareness in tact to guide me to sanity.
It sounds like you have been given some sanity. I'm happy for you. Your positive attitude towards recovery is great.
|
|
|
Post by amaninfull on Aug 31, 2007 15:33:31 GMT -5
Day 35.
So one thing that I still struggle with is whether to tell my now-wife about my addiction to porn and sex chat. Whether, when, how. For the past 34 days there has been nothing to tell, other than my activities on this board. I think there are some very good reasons to wait, although I grant that it can be hard to tell a good reason from an excuse. She is 8 months pregnant. Tired, emotional. Happy that we have just gotten married. Recovery has been smooth for me so far. I don't even feel like I have the time for indulging now, frankly, and when the newborn arrives, I'm sure I won't have the time or energy. If I'm wrong, if I find myself indulging again, then I will need to expand my search for help, and I may need to include her.
I hesitate to invite responses to this. But I guess I should be a man about it and leave the door open.
|
|
|
Post by arctic on Sept 2, 2007 16:12:31 GMT -5
Hi amaninfull,
Thanks for visiting my journal the other and offering to hold me accountable for the goal setting exercise. I've done it now, and it's there in my journal for you to see. I'm still to make my goals very precise and time-bound, but that will come. Thanks again.
To me it sounds sensible to postpone telling your wife, especially if you feel that you're doing well in recovery only with the help of this board. Did you say that you had told someone else, some old friend or something? I forget now. Anyway, I think that it is a very good idea to have some live support in someone, but that someone has to be chosen with care and sensitivity, I feel. I told my wife that I was in recovery, but she already knew that I was a porn head and was only delighted to hear that I was finally taking action to stop. But in your case, I think that you'd be wise not to rush it, especially if you're convinced that your wife never knew what you were up to in the first place.
BTW, I went to my favourite bookshop today and guess what I bought? The book by Tom Wolfe named after you! Thanks for the indirect recommendation by the way. I'm always looking for good books to read. I'm particularly fond of thick books because you can really get into the story and the characters, and this one's got 742 pages!
I hope that you're well today my friend. Let's be in touch soon!
Arctic
|
|
|
Post by MrOuch on Sept 2, 2007 22:27:01 GMT -5
AMIF
That's a tough question. Unfortunately it's one you're going to have to answer on your own. Some may give you advice, but I will only say this. Listen to your instinct. Put out your emotional radar and try to listen in to whether or not the time is right.
Glad to see your recovery is going well. Keep up the good work.
MrOuch
|
|
|
Post by geoff12 on Sept 3, 2007 11:18:02 GMT -5
Hey AMIF, thanks for stopping by my journal the other day. The strangest thing is I coud have sworn black and blue that I replied in yours but I cant see my reply here. Maybe I replied in my journal....hmmmm, maybe Im just getting old and the memory is going.
Anyway I wanted to say that I hope you are doing well today. I read in your journal just above that you hope that one day your will wake up and realise you are free and know peace. For myself I dont know that I will ever feel like I am free, but I am just starting to get a glimpse of the peace that can be ours if we are willing to do the work to achieve it. My hope for you, me and everyone else here is that this peace with ourselves can one day be attained.
Take care man
Geoff
|
|