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Post by suedehead on Aug 7, 2007 16:57:00 GMT -5
Hey AMIF (Tom Wolfe fan?) - just wanted to pop in and offer a congratulations on the triathalon. That is truly something to be proud of, and I am especially glad that you recognize it as a moment of real victory for yourself. My hat's off.
suedehead
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Post by freshstart on Aug 8, 2007 3:46:22 GMT -5
Hey AMIF Similar to you, my instinct is to always retreat into myself whenever problems arise. I feel that i need to sort everything out in my own head, and only then discuss it with others. I am slowly learning to open up to my g/f, and accept her wisdom. It has improved things between us enormously.
Thanks for your PM.
FS
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Post by amaninfull on Aug 8, 2007 16:49:44 GMT -5
Freshstart and suedehead, thank you so much for dropping by and offering your thoughts. It's people like you that keep me coming back, and it's coming back that keeps me off the stuff.
Day 14.
I am noticing a certain arrogance in my attitude on this site. I am a notorious know-it-all, and this is cropping up a lot in my posts. Funny what the mind does. Because two weeks ago, instead of preparing for an upcoming triathlon, packing for an incipient house-move, helping plan an imminent wedding, or working to earn much-needed money - each of which desperately needed my time and attention - I spent four hours sitting in front of my computer, chatting with complete strangers about kinky sexual practices, with my penis in my hand. Not for the first time. Not even for the first time that week.
I would do well to remember how very fallible I am.
I find that I have masturbated three times in the past two days. Each time I have fantasized. Most of my fantasies revolved around kinks, and many of them related to online chats I have had. So clearly I have been traveling many of the same pathways of thought and behavior that were involved in my worst acting-out.
I do not now feel any more tempted to act out in those ways than I did in the previous few days when I had not masturbated nor actively fantasized. Simply an observation.
I think it may take some time, perhaps years, before my fantasies calm down. It may also take a long time - or, maybe it won't - before I can masturbate without getting on that mad roller-coaster of fantasy. One thing I can do is make masturbation my second resort for sexual release, after lovemaking, rather than my first resort. I seem to be making steps in that direction. I will try to do this more consciously.
I still struggle with the knowledge that it is a slippery slope back into acting out, that there are a thousand paths to that slope, and that there seems to be no bright line dividing OK behaviors from not-OK behaviors. I guess that's the challenge of being a grown-up. Developing a refined sense of discrimination, and using it constantly. That sounds hard, man!
Let me give an example. Today in the online version of the newspaper there was a little photo from the waist down of some nice female bodies, clothed. And the caption said something about "topless". I was intrigued. I didn't click.
Someday I'm going to see a picture of a naked person, invitingly posed. Will I then have slipped? What if someone sends me a link to a sexual picture? Will I have slipped if I clicked not knowing what it was, or only if I knew it was sexual before I clicked on it?
I do have one thing that I know for certain: if I find myself in a sex chat room, I've blown it. That's one door that I am not going through today, or tomorrow, or...
Day 14.
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Post by idleboy on Aug 9, 2007 15:03:48 GMT -5
Amaninfull,
Thanks for your kind and complimentary PM a few days ago - would have replied sooner but I'm trying to shake off a bout of sinusitis whch has left me exhausted.
I've read through your journal and must say you're not short of insight and discrimination yourself - hopefully those qualities will help your quest for recovery.
I try to use my head,(when I'm not being disgracefully idle) which, on balance, is probably better than keeping it wedged up my addictive ass, but I suspect that lasting recovery will depend more on learning to use my heart. In my case that means reaching out - asking for help when I need it and making an effort to be there for others when they need me.
Of all the 'bad' things I've done, the things that really make my cheeks burn (even as I write!) are when I've deliberately and knowingly turned my back when someone needed me. I always had a 'good' excuse for why I couldn't be available, but usually that was bull(expletive)..and i knew it. Ouch!
Anyway, I'm really here to offer a thought on your comment below
Can I respectfully suggest that you will only have 'blown it' if you don't pick yourself up after your hypothetical chat-room slip and get right back on the track to recovery. Slips aren't necessarily a problem - it's how we react that matters.
By the way, the process you've started of placing your wife at the centre of your sexual life - how I can relate to that! I wouldn't claim to have achieved this entirely but I've been trying consciously and the results have been truly inspiring. The improvement in our physical/sexual relationship, although quite dramatic, has been overshadowed by the greater degree of intimacy, trust and understanding that exists between us. That's what really lifts me.
This has led in time to an open acknowledgment that we both have sexual fantasies involving other people - this has not undermined our love in the slightest - because she knows that my fantasy lovers are just that - fantasies. As far as the real woman in my life goes - the job is hers - as long as she wants it! (can't take anything for granted, can ya?)
In awe of your athletic prowess...and cheering you on,
Idleboy
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Post by amaninfull on Aug 10, 2007 0:34:48 GMT -5
Day 14.
Gotta PM Idleboy or drop a note at his journal in response to his thoughtful comments.
He's right, I think. About many things, but about placing the heart at the center. About the miracles that can happen when you step out on a limb and open up to another human being. Lord, what freedom it would be to be an open book. To need someone and acknowledge it - to be needed and show up with everything you've got.
You want to know something ironic? I am an artist of sorts. I write songs. If being an artist is not the science of opening yourself up, then I don't know what is. And yet - I haven't. I've locked up, walled up, secreted away, defended to the death, entire regions of myself. How, then, can I be true in a song? I'm afraid I know the answer - I can't. If I've written a true song, it's not a deep truth. It won't touch anyone in a place that will really move them.
There is only one way to write a song like that - like I long to write. And that's to unlock that lock, throw open the cage, stand back and see what happens.
You know, from a very early age I've felt that my sexuality - the very fact of being a sexual creature, having a sexual aspect - was a shameful thing. I don't know where that came from. I'm not sure whether it matters. It was the hand I was dealt, and I have spent considerable time and energy dealing with it - either running away from it or attempting to come to terms with it. Sometimes it's been hard to tell the difference.
I need to sign off now, but I will revisit this idea soon. There's something important in it.
Thanks for listening.
Day 14.
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Post by arctic on Aug 10, 2007 8:01:46 GMT -5
Hi maninfull, I just wanted to drop by and thank you for visiting my journal. I've started reading through yours, but I havent' finished yet. What I've read so far suggestst that you're doing great. I'm also pretty impressed by the triathlon stuff...so many times I've wondered how doing one is physically possible. If I tried one I'd probably have to be hospitalised already after the swim. I am an athelete too, although I'm more into strenght and stuff, and I've noticed that having developed the mental toughness that comes from tolerating gruelling physical stress can really help us to beat this addiction. Although having lots of will power is not a long term solution it sure doesn't hurt to have it! He's right, I think. About many things, but about placing the heart at the center. About the miracles that can happen when you step out on a limb and open up to another human being. Lord, what freedom it would be to be an open book. To need someone and acknowledge it - to be needed and show up with everything you've got. I couldn't agree more. I think that there's enormous healing power in opening up to a real human being. Sometimes it's so hard to bring yourself to do it, but if you do open up, the feeling is amazing. I used to be as closed as a vault, but during my recovery I've learned to open up to my wife. It really helps. Take care, Arctic
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Post by amaninfull on Aug 10, 2007 18:32:42 GMT -5
Man, you guys are awesome. Arctic, I owe you a PM.
Day 15.
Things are getting really hectic for me now. We just moved into a new house, and on Saturday the 18th we will be married in the back yard. That's in the morning. In the afternoon we will have our annual shindig, a sort of music festival, which I'm producing and also playing at, so I have to pull that together. I'm working full-time. Plenty on the plate.
That's just by way of saying that my postings will probably drop off significantly for the next week or so. That doesn't mean I'm losing interest or backsliding (hopefully). I plan on returning full-force after things calm down a bit here.
Right now I feel cheerful, optimistic...happy! It's great. Sure, I'm always a step away from being a stress-case, but for now I'm good. And now is all there is, right, grasshopper?
Day 15.
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Post by amaninfull on Aug 13, 2007 11:49:58 GMT -5
Day 18.
This morning in bed I was more tempted to act out with sex chat than I have been since I stopped. Trying to figure out why. I never did make any movement toward actually doing it, though. I was fantasizing and masturbating, alone in bed after L had gone to work. And the fantasies were sometimes literally of a chat screen! How stupid is that?
So here is an interesting fact: yesterday morning L and I had actual sexual contact. This is the first time in many weeks. Perhaps a couple months. This (in)frequency has typified our sexual relationship going back almost to its beginning, a little over two years ago. The difference now is that, rather than accepting (or, to be honest, embracing) this lack of sexual intimacy, and using it as an excuse to go deeper and deeper into online sexual relationships, I am now determined to address it directly, and find a way to restore our sex life to the important position it should hold in our relationship.
Obviously, I face an added challenge in doing that now, because L is seven months pregnant. She is not all that sexually attractive to me, and from what I can gather, she is not often in the mood. Oh well, I am not unaccustomed to challenge. If we are in a place now that makes sexual intimacy more difficult, then I choose that we be in that place together. I choose to communicate my thoughts and feelings, and to seek to know hers. I choose to pry open that door that we've tacitly allowed to close, to the room we once shared our sexuality in. I choose to get that door open, to prop it open, and eventually to remove it from its hinges and burn it. And to dwell in that room together with my sweetheart, my wife. And if I have to enter first, and then figure out a way to get her in, well then that's what I'll do.
We're being married this Saturday, and in less than two months we will have a child. My goal is to spend the rest of my life with this woman in a relationship of increasing intimacy, and to raise that child in a home where its mom and dad love each other fully and express it in every possible way.
People, I'll have that child before I reach Day 100! Better that than before Day 0.
Peace, love, AMIF
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Post by h3h8m3 on Aug 13, 2007 12:15:23 GMT -5
Hello friend-
I just saw your journal and thought I'd drop by. I too am having a child soon, October 6th is our due date. I too stopped pornography in July.
I want to be a better husband and father than I could be while doing that stuff.
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Post by timoteiy on Aug 14, 2007 17:15:32 GMT -5
Good luck for the wedding AMANINFULL! I see alot of similarities in our stories and I am glad you are attempting to start a relationship with openness and honesty. I am at the end of a marriage and its alittle too late in the story to be thinking about honesty and openness whn the trust is so damaged. When I was at the beggining of this marriage 15 years ago I had no idea that the secrets I kept would grow into such a disaster and make me sicker. I didn't really have much experience with the deeper kind of relationship that is neccesary in marriage. It was so scary to me really. I mean allowing someone to know these weaknesses someone you want some kind of respect from. Please keep posting. Is this a new relationship?
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Post by speedway on Aug 17, 2007 3:04:53 GMT -5
Good luck for your wedding and happy birthdday too!
speedway
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Post by rockwell on Aug 17, 2007 10:36:57 GMT -5
Amaninfull -
Congratulations on your wedding and birthday. I admire your goals of intamacy with your wife as I share that same goal with my own wife. I am trying to follow your journal. I hope all is well. Enjoy your honeymoon. Where are you going?
<rockwell>
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Post by amaninfull on Aug 22, 2007 13:39:16 GMT -5
Day 27.
Folks, I am surfing a fantastic wave of love and happiness right now, and I feel like the luckiest man that ever lived.
Saturday I was married to a woman who has the biggest heart I've ever seen, surrounded by friends and family, many of whom traveled across the country to be with us, in a ceremony that combined solemnity, spiritual depth, lightheartedness, and beauty in equal measure, in an outdoor garden setting with views of surrounding vineyard-covered hillsides - which was at our new home. Just completely surrounded by love. Can you imagine?
This was followed by a music festival in the same back yard, with act after act of incredible artists, in which I myself was privileged to play, backed by a band of fantastic musicians who are also close friends.
All of this was preceded on Friday night by a dinner for out-of-town guests at a nearby restaurant, which also served as a little birthday party for me, arranged by my wonderful then-fiancee, now-bride.
As if that wasn't enough, two of my best friends in the world, along with one of L's, stayed at our house for several days before, helping us finish moving in and prepare for the event on Saturday - and they have stayed on a couple days afterward, leaving today and tomorrow, giving us a chance to hang out with them in a more relaxed way.
The highlights of the past week have been too numerous to mention, but I will simply say that I feel incredibly loved and taken care of by whatever forces may rule our little world.
I am certainly nervous about how our new baby will change things, but I am eager for that experience - and in just 6-8 weeks it will happen.
Although my mind continues to follow tracks, sexually, that I would prefer it didn't, I have not yet felt in any serious danger of relapsing into the kinds of destructive behaviors that ultimately led me here, helpless. I feel strong, vibrant, excited, creative, loving, and really really grateful.
Thank you so much, rockwell, speedway, and timoteiy, for your good wishes. I hope that someday you may know the kind of joy I am experiencing now.
love, AMIF
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Post by amaninfull on Aug 23, 2007 14:07:22 GMT -5
Day 28.
Well, I am in danger of putting up a false front on this board. I run around to other threads and spout off my theories of recovery like I'm some kind of expert. My own journal is chock-full of my victories and joys. There's an awful lot of ego on display here.
What about the truth?
Here is a little truth (and by that I do not mean "now comes the self-flagellation"). On Monday night my new wife and I stayed in a hotel; it was our mini-honeymoon. And we did have sex. It was the first time we had intercourse in...certainly weeks, quite possibly months. We do have oral sex somewhat more often, but the intervals are still measured in weeks. This is certainly a far cry from where I would like to be, a far cry from a place where I can feel, "Yes, we do have a good sex life."
Is it getting better? To be honest, I'm not sure. I think it is, but the evidence is not irrefutable. I do know that there is a shift in my attitude towards L since I became sober, and it's a shift toward intimacy. So that's good, and if I can maintain that shift, it must certainly lead, eventually, to a true increase in intimacy between us. And I think that in our case, it may be that greater intimacy will lead to a better sex life. It stands to reason.
One component to intimacy, the key, you might say, is honesty, and honesty of a special sort: the kind that makes you vulnerable. I am beginning to practice it, allowing myself to say certain things that in the past I might have chosen to not say - and increase the gulf between us. Things about how I was feeling sexually, what I enjoyed sexually, what she enjoyed sexually; and also other things about how I'm feeling about her. Granted, in the romantic atmosphere surrounding a wedding and its immediate aftermath, it's easier to open up and be intimate, but I consciously made a deliberate effort to take advantage of that atmosphere.
During the ceremony itself, I spent a lot of time looking at L, and allowing myself to let go of all the doubts I've carried with me about her (and about every woman I've ever been with); to let them go and embrace the idea that I have found the right woman for me. I do believe it's true, and what a miracle that seems to me.
OK, fine, I was not physically attracted to her from the outset, and we never did establish a great way of being together in bed; and these are things I've never dealt with before in a relationship. And granted the result is that we do not have a good sex life. It really is just something for me and my sweetheart to work on, like establishing a garden. It's not something I can use as an excuse to avoid intimacy, like I was doing before. It's just my partner and me working on something we both want.
This is my better self talking, of course. There are a whole lot of other voices that have not yet bought into that construction, and still feel that the key to happiness is in not getting involved, and pursuing my private pleasures unchecked.
But I get a choice about who to listen to. And one road is just a dead end. It just ends in loneliness, sadness. The other road doesn't end. Every day I get to make my choice. Today I choose the neverending road.
AMIF
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Post by amaninfull on Aug 24, 2007 13:36:13 GMT -5
Day 29.
Just one short thing: I've noticed that when I have the urge to aimlessly surf the web and/or seek out online stimulation...or for that matter, even when I have the urge to masturbate, the thought of picking up my guitar and playing feels like it would satisfy that urge quite nicely. "Plug up the holes" might be another way of putting it.
This is true in a way that other things are not: exercise requires some preparation; eating lasts such a short time; etc. I don't know what it is about playing my guitar, but it seems to be a really nice fit when I get that restless feeling. After a few minutes of playing, I feel like I can go back to my "list" and be productive again. This seems fortunate indeed.
One more thing I will report. Last night in bed I made another choice to do things differently. As my (new) wife was lying there, falling asleep, and as I finally put down my book and turned the light off, rather than stay on my side of our king bed, lying on my side away from her, as I usually would, I decided to turn toward her and move over a little so I could rest my hand on her hip. A small thing, to be sure, but the thing was...I had a moment where I paused and looked at the choices in front of me. And I chose the "harder" one. (Anything that runs against habit is harder.) Habits of thought and action that have not served me are gradually being broken and replaced by new, healthier ones.
May it continue for the sake of my wife, my unborn child, myself - my new family.
love, AMIF
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