A Man In Full's Journal

[amaninfull]

This is Day One, if I make it.

I work at home, at the computer. My fiancee works 12-hour shifts, three days a week. Opportunity is easy to come by.

I go to sex chat rooms, spending most of my time attempting to engage females in private cybersex chats. It can take hours before I find someone and bring my quest to a conclusion. Along the way I am constantly applying direct stimulation to my brain's pleasure center, for hours at a time. I feel like I'm jabbing an electrode right at it: pleasure...pleasure...pleasure...I never really want it to stop, and the climax is never enough to dissipate the overloaded circuit. I continue fantasizing about the encounter on and off for a couple of days afterward, usually masturbating multiple times.

I also pursue online sexual stimulation like craigslist ads, stories, pics and video clips. I have cumulatively wasted countless hours with them, but they have not had the dramatic impact on my life and consciousness that sex chat has had. There is something about making that connection, working with the live mind of another person, that provides a truly powerful addictive thrill.

As far as recovery goes, the idea of connection is key. Connection with another human being. Validation of my attractiveness. Getting the message from another person: "Yes, you do exist."

I have been doing this since 1994, when I first logged onto AOL and found the carnal (though completely disconnected from the body) carnival of user-created rooms. Thirteen years, folks.

Thirteen years of hiding it. Thirteen years of trying to stop it. Thirteen years of indulging it. Thirteen years of hours every week, sometimes until the wee hours of the morning, sitting there in front of a computer screen with my wee-wee in my hand, trying to make one more jab at the pleasure center. At home, at work, with a wife in the house, with kids in the house...you know the litany.

I was in my mid-30's when I started. I was still near the beginning of my career. My career progressed quickly, then not so quickly, then not really at all. I had aspirations to take my musical interests to a higher level, to a semi-professional level, and...I still have those aspirations. Hours every week spent not on work, not on practicing, not on my relationship or home life, but on direct stimulation of that pleasure center, with nothing to show for it afterwards but an empty heart.

I deeply wanted a loving and fulfilling relationship with a woman, fully embracing each others' sexuality, and yet I never opened up enough to allow that to happen. I was too addicted and too ashamed. And I never admitted it even to myself.

Thirteen years, folks. Today is Day One, if I make it.

Thanks for reading. It helps.

[JohnG]

Welcome to the board and to the journals.

I have found incredible support here and I would not be sober without this place. Take the time to get to know others and be patient - a lot of people come and go and many of us get tired of trying to form new connections because so many just leave. This leads us to ignore the new arrivals sometimes.

I wish you luck and keep coming back. Reading the journals is a good exercise and help us see that we are not alone. Your story, sadly, is very common.

A new friend,

JohnG

[amaninfull]

Today is Day Two, if I make it.

Last night my fiancee and I went to our first birthing class. Our baby is due in October. Although she is very pregnant, the class really brought it home to me for the first time: I will be completely responsible for another human life...very soon. A sobering thought.

Leaving behind my overripe (rotten?) fantasy life yesterday left more energy to pay attention to L and to our incipient family. That felt great.

I also realized that stress is probably a trigger for this avoidance behavior of online stimulation. This week in particular is quite stressful, with major demands from a household move, which takes place this weekend, our wedding, which takes place in three weeks, my triathlon, which happens in one week, and ongoing preparation for the baby. As well as a full-time job. Rather than take the bull by the horns, my mind powerfully craves the comfort of mindless stimulation, and I am more susceptible to that temptation.

Swearing off it, of course, only addresses the symptom, but as is well known, it's impossible to begin addressing the root causes without first removing the destructive behavior. Having resolved to set aside online stimulation frees mental energy for the range of things that allow me to create a healthy, fulfilling life. I'm ready to leave that convoluted, obsessive, confusing, shaming, ugly crutch behind, and move forward into manhood, embracing my responsibilities as opportunities to really engage with life.

Day Two, if I make it.

[amaninfull]

Some more on Day Two (if I make it.)

Swimming has always made me kind of horny. I guess because it's sensual - the feeling of water on my skin, moving my muscles. Love it, makes me feel vibrant and alive. And feeling horny is nice, too, actually. Your senses are perked up.

Before today I would have let those feelings lead me to start checking out Craigslist ads for a cheap thrill - even with L in the other room. This might have led to more, a lot more, like it did on Tuesday, the last time I came back from swimming feeling horny. On Tuesday I just followed the old patterns down a path I knew I didn't want to take, and it led me to a really pathetic place.

Today I did something different. I made myself vulnerable. I let L into my sexual world. I simply mentioned to her that swimming made me horny. The result didn't really matter. What mattered was doing things differently, making myself vulnerable, inviting her into my sexual life. Including her. Letting the chips fall where they may. Taking a risk. Betting on the healing power of openness. Exposing the wound to the air. Changing our relationship in a small but real way.

Still Day Two...if I make it.

[amaninfull]

Day Six, if I make it.

I've been without Internet for the last couple days as I've moved houses. Removes the temptation, though there's no way I could have slipped away to indulge my addiction in any case.

It's been hard, frankly. I've been horny, and I have not resorted to any pornography, nor have I masturbated, until this morning. This is definitely different behavior from before, when horniness would have sent me eventually to some kind of porn site, if not directly to a chat room. I have often used the adult personal ads for cheap thrills, especially on Craigslist, Mostly for fantasy fodder, but occasionally I have responded to an ad, and on several occasions I have exchanged emails with someone; a couple of times I have had phone sex with someone as a result, and twice I have met someone in person. This once resulted in a bisexual relationship I had with a couple, which lasted over a year; we are still friends.

That is one of the things that is so difficult about my addiction: there is no question in my mind that I do not want to be wasting hours every week in sex chat rooms - that is "bad". But there are some things that bear a relationship to that behavior that are not bad: a healthy acceptance of my sexuality; a good sex life; connection with other people. The human mind is a many-tentacled beast. It's just as useless to try to quash sexual thought altogether as it is to give free rein to all sexually-related behavior. That's what makes this so hard: learning where to draw the line.

There is a near-constant dialogue in my head about this. What's the difference between noticing an attractive person and ogling them? There's a difference, yes, but...it's a fine line. What's the difference between fantasizing about something...sharing that fantasy with someone...and acting it out? Again, clearly there's a difference, but again...it can be a fine line. I think maybe you just have to learn how to listen to your gut, listen to your conscience, listen to "that still, small voice" that knows the difference. Then obey it. Put your conscious mind and your willpower to the work of carrying through on what your best self knows.

Maybe. But I'm obviously no expert. I'm obviously fairly retarded in my development of that kind of discrimination. I'm pretty much a rank beginner, a baby, when it comes to knowing the difference between right and wrong, and doing what's right.

One thing I have learned. One of the things that leads me to online titillation is just "Internet brain" - the need for something new to click on and check out. It's something to do when my brain is bored, frankly, and when I want to feel plugged into something. And there are other ways to get that fix. One of those ways is to come here. I look at posts, read emails, post something new - plug in. It doesn't carry that over-the-top rush that I can get from sex chat, of course, but it can satisfy that fleeting need for connection without opening the door to another wasted day.

So please, if you read this, just leave me a quick note - it will keep me coming back, and that's big.

Day 6, if I make it.

[amaninfull]

Day 7, if I make it.

Here's something I'm noticing. I've closed a door, an exit door. An escape hatch. I've closed this door that I walked through countless times when I didn't want to deal with things in reality, a door that led to a place where I could self-medicate for hours at a time, days in a row, and not deal with what was in the reality room...until I got back...when the situation was even tougher.

So I've closed that door. And that makes me notice the things that make me want to escape through it. I get that old feeling that starts my feet in the direction of the door, but that door is closed, so I find myself stopping, and saying..."what's going on with me right now?"

"What just happened that turned me toward that escape hatch?"

And it seems like I almost get a different answer every time. It's always some combination of external stimulus and habitual thought pattern. I see this so I think this so I do this...and then I'm walking toward that door. But the things I see and the thoughts they trigger that turn me in that direction are incredibly varied.

One of the things that tells me is that I've used that escape hatch (labeled "Guaranteed to make you feel good! For now...") as a response to a huge variety of life challenges. I've long considered myself a terrible procrastinator, lazy, an underachiever. Well, that's all relative - when it came to spending time in sex chat rooms, there was no procrastination, no laziness, high achievement - I was a damn champion at it!

What I wasn't good at was looking reality in the face and doing what was needed. Simply doing what was needed to secure my own sense of satisfaction, to give myself the feeling that I was making a life that was worth living. I have developed a wide array of deeply-rooted mechanisms for avoiding that. And now I'm shutting those doors, especially the biggest one, the one I have never been able to shut before, all the way, for all time - addictive sexual behavior.

And so I'm noticing things, I'm noticing patterns, I'm noticing...life. And having closed that door I am forced to find different, healthier ways of channeling those stimuli.

The biggest change has been my feelings about my fiancee, L. There is no question that I was using my addictive sexual behaviors to run away from her. To avoid really committing to her. And this had a subtle but frighteningly real effect on our relationship. As time went on I started to become annoyed with her more easily. I started to avoid sex. I started looking elsewhere for fulfillment, going as far as creating secret email accounts and corresponding with prospective sex partners.

Now that I have closed that door, I am channeling a LOT more energy toward building a loving relationship with L. She is pregnant with my child, and we will be married in just 2 1/2 weeks. Running away from this relationship is simply not an option: it means running away from life, any kind of fulfilling life that I can imagine. I owe L, I owe my child, and I owe myself a healthy, loving relationship with L.

Thankfully, this is not a chore. L is a really wonderful person and I genuinely enjoy her company. There are definite issues with our sex life that we will need to face and work on, but we can do it together, in a spirit of love. I'm ready to take this on, and stop running away from it through that door. That door's been closed and locked and I threw away the key and eventually I will even forget where I threw it. I'm ready to face life as a man in full.

Day 7, if I make it.

[rockwell]

amaninfull,

Please check your private messages. I just sent you one.

You are making a wise decision by starting here and I wish you the best. Stick this out!!!

<ROCKWELL>

[amaninfull]

Day 8, if I make it.

I am opening up a lot more to L, being more affectionate and loving. For the most part, this is intentional, but it's not forced. It's probably true that she cannot fulfill all the nooks and crannies of my sexual and romantic fantasies. (It's also possible that she can fulfill more of them than I have been allowing for.) More importantly, though, the space in my heart that is occupied by our relationship is real, it is real love, it is not a hollow fantasy. It's something you can bank on. And that is much more valuable.

In other words, ten dollars of US currency will buy you more than ten thousand dollars of Monopoly money. So where should you invest?

Our sex life will take some time and energy to get to where it should be. When I was young, and when I was highly attracted to my partner, putting time and energy into our sex life scarcely required an intentional effort. That's what I was used to. I can wish all I want that things were like that now, but it will only tie me up in knots - and send me back to online sex, probably. Much better to accept that our sex life will require an intentional effort on my part, and start putting the time and energy into it.

Complicating it is the fact that L is very pregnant - over six months. It may get further complicated when our lives start to revolve around our infant. Still, there is really no other alternative to good old-fashioned time and energy. Tending the garden.

Day 8, if I make it.

[rockwell]

Day 8, YOU WILL MAKE IT!!!! Think positive!

[amaninfull]

Inspired by Rockwell's faith in me, I'm gonna drop the second phrase of my customary sign-on:

Day 9. Period.

I used to smoke cigarettes. Not a lot of cigarettes, but I got to the point where I was hooked. On August 17th, 2003, I quit. (I had, of course, quit several times before that. But this is the longest I've been off cigs.) My experience was similar to a lot of people's, in that the last thing to fade away was the trigger situations. For instance, I had a cigarette after dinner every night. That was probably my strongest trigger situation. It took many months for that situation (finishing dinner) to no longer trigger the feeling of needing a cigarette. It still cropped up occasionally even after a year or more. There are times, usually if I've had a couple glasses of wine with dinner, when I still want one then.

I'm noticing some of the same things with online sexual stimulation. I have this time in the morning when I'm done with breakfast and before I begin work when I often turned to the low-level stimulation of Craigslist personals. Sometimes this would lead farther, if I didn't feel time pressure to get going on something else. I felt that tug this morning. This urge that happened below the level of consciousness, that just wanted to type the url for Craigslist into my laptop's browser. Would have been the easiest thing in the world to do, I was already looking at a newspaper web site. Could have happened almost before I knew I was doing it. I said, "No" - out loud, actually - to break that connection, that habit, that chain of stimulus-response.

There are other situations like that. It may be many months, if not longer, before those situations start to lose their unconscious power. Until then, I'll need to make a conscious effort to hold the line.

I believe that, with help, I can do that.

Day 9.

[freshstart]

Hey AMIF,
Thanks for dropping by my journal. It sounds like you have made a great start to recovery. I have no great pearls of wisdom, but i wish you all the best.
Take care,

FS

[amaninfull]

And thank you, FS, for returning the favor.

Day 12.

I am thrilled to report a major personal victory.

Yesterday I fulfilled a longtime goal and completed an Olympic-distance triathlon without stopping or walking. That consists of a 1,500 meter swim (just under a mile), followed by a 40 kilometer ride (just under 25 miles), followed by a 10 kilometer run (just over six miles). In March I set myself a goal of doing this by my 47th birthday, which is August 17th.

Fulfilling this goal had little to do with physical prowess. I have never been a naturally gifted athlete of any sort. It had everything to do with willpower and self-discipline. I now have no choice but to change my view of myself to someone who is capable of serious acts of willpower and self-discipline. Someone who is capable of setting a difficult goal and achieving it. Someone who is capable of doing what it takes, no matter how difficult, no matter how little appetite I may have for it. (Believe me, there were days that I absolutely did not want to train.)

I am forced to revise my picture of myself. I am proud of myself, proud of my achievement. My body is stronger, healthier, more fit than it has ever been. I was not in this kind of shape when I was 36, or 26, or 16. This is what can be accomplished in a few months time if I set my mind to it and do not waver. Now I know.

August 5th, 2007 will go down as a red letter day for me. I know that someday I will look back and see that July 25th, 2007, my first day of sobriety from online sex, will be just as big.

Thanks to everyone in this community who has encouraged and inspired me, directly or indirectly.

Day 12.

[speedway]

Hi amaninfull

Hope you don't me dropping by to wish you well and congratulate you on your work. Your post on 'bisexual problem' has given me hope and encouragement and from your journal, you've made a really positive start. Your "tri-triumph" is great. The power of physical exercise to rebuild our confidence and self esteem is not raised much on the board. Keep going and keep posting.

Yours

Speedway

[freshstart]

Hi AMIF,
Triathlons are great. Like you, i wasn't very sporty when i was young, but a few years ago, i started training for general fitness. Eventually i decided i should use this fitness for something, so i got into triathlon. I only completed one sprint distance, but it was great. I subsequently got distracted with university etc., but i would like to do another one.

Best wishes,
FS

[amaninfull]

Thanks, Speedway and Fresh Start. You guys keep me going. I hope I can do the same for you.

Day 13.

I made another step today in opening up my sexual life to L. In general, I feel more strongly than ever that this is key to getting out of the addictive cul-de-sac. Opening up, letting her in, strengthening our bond, letting the energy flow between us, allowing myself to be vulnerable, to feel a sense of connection. I had been steadily retreating from her sexually, retreating into my fantasy world, a world that provided reliable stimulation precisely targeted to my pleasure triggers - but a world that was closed off, empty, lonely, and ultimately unfulfilling.

There were a variety of reasons that I had been retreating. I did not find her very attractive. She did not want to do a certain thing that I wanted. She did not come on to me. We never did have a "honeymoon" period sexually, where things were all sparks and heat, and I've never had to work for that before - if it wasn't there to begin with, I simply wasn't going to be with that person. I don't know how to create physical intimacy without that basis, but I am now determined to figure that out.

I am not trying to quit masturbation. I don't feel that masturbation in the absence of online stimulation has been a significant disruptor of my life. Yes, there were patterns of post-stimulation masturbation that affected my sex life with L. However, these were clearly related to the online stimulation. In periods where online stimulation has been absent, I have not masturbated addictively; therefore, I am not trying to quit.

With me so far?

So, over the past few days, I have engaged L physically on several occasions, snuggling in bed, being mildly sexual, and so forth. She is seven months pregnant and is fairly uncomfortable much of the time, and not really in the mood for sex. I'm fine with that. This morning, as she was leaving for work and I was in bed (she goes to work quite early in the morning), I told her I was probably going to masturbate. It had been somewhere around a week since I'd had sexual release, and I felt the need for it. She apologized for not having had sex with me, and of course I told her it was fine, and meant it.

So, true, our sex life is still not what I think either of us would wish. But I am letting her in. I am letting her know where I'm at, and letting her choose how to react; without ultimatums, threats, coercion, or anything but vulnerability. I think this was an early step on the road to a loving, fulfilling, intimate relationship, which is what I truly want.

Last week I asked her how often, ideally, she would like to make love. She said twice a week. I said me, too (which is true). I suggested that it looked like if that was to happen, we might have to put in a conscious effort to make it happen. And we also concluded that we weren't likely to get there until well after the baby is born and we can re-establish some semblance of normalcy.

But today I did take another step on that road, and I am glad of it. I think that loving somebody entails letting them in.

Day 13.