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Post by Mayberry on Dec 12, 2007 21:02:51 GMT -5
The new quilt is simply GORGEOUS, honey! I hope you have a good visit with your new friend tonight!
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Post by LookingUp on Dec 13, 2007 8:04:51 GMT -5
We had some SNOW! i239.photobucket.com/albums/ff232/incogkneetoe/Snow-Dec13-2007-02.jpg?t=1197551193Mr. LU removed the snow twice last evening - would rather scoop 2" at a time. Had this much more during the night - so hired a couple junior high kids. I asked them last year what they were saving their money for - they said "our vices" -- we buy junk food and play poker! Does that mean we're aiding the deliquency of minors by hiring them? LookingUp
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Post by hopeflows on Dec 13, 2007 8:19:47 GMT -5
Beautiful quilt, LU
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Post by LookingUp on Dec 13, 2007 8:33:49 GMT -5
I mentioned in the circle that I'd post this quilt, Recovery 1, here in my journal: i239.photobucket.com/albums/ff232/incogkneetoe/SnailTrailSmall.jpg?t=1197552299Size: 35" by 44" or 10.6 square feet Quilting: 2,501 linear inches or 6.5 linear yards of quilting per square foot Fabric: black and white 100% cotton with multi-colored pastel and gold accent. Backing: black and beige music and keyboard - 100% cotton Binding: black 100% cotton Batting: Poly The symbolism in this quilt depicts some of the things I've learned from counseling: - Life is not always black and white - but if we look, we'll see the beautiful colors that emotions bring.
- Try to think "outside the box."
- The dual hearts have several meanings to me: (a) My heart is inside God's love. (b) Recovery includes empathy where my heart touches others. (c) My heart towards others is growing as I learn strategies to feel safe while I reach out to others. (d) Recovery includes finding loving (heart-shaped) boundaries to keep my heart safe. (e) Recovery includes opening my heart to my counselor so healing can begin.
- There can be peace even when my emotions are swirling and feel chaotic.
- Even when it doesn't show - I can have a song inside; just like a musical motif is on the back of the quilt even though it doesn't show.
- The pattern is an old one called Snail's Trail (or Virginia Reel) and was often used by pioneers traveling westward. I chose this pattern because I'm learning life and recovery are a journey to places unknown. Recovery, like a snail's movement, is a slow process. I especially liked the snail's trail design - because it reminds me of a happy person with arms and legs moving in a dance of rejoicing.
- The design is a tessellation, which is defined as one pattern of interlocking shapes that is repeated and has no gaps. Recovery is sometimes similar to a tessellation - doing one new behavior over and over until it becomes natural and comfortable and the old addictive behavior feels unnatural and uncomfortable - thus, the white of the new behavior starts to outshine the darkness of the addictive behavior.
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Post by LookingUp on Dec 13, 2007 8:48:00 GMT -5
Sometime I like to remind myself and my kids that when push comes to shove, Christmas is about a baby who borrow a bed from an animal.. who grew into a man who borrowed a grave for 3 days- and yet was the greatest gift ever. Thanks, daisy. I agree 100%. When my kids were little I made cloth ornaments of the nativity scene and they'd hang them on the tree - rehang them, pull them off and hang them again - they had a lot of fun learning the Christmas story that way. I wish my son held that Christian truth he was taught as a child in his heart and taught that truth to his children. Him and his wife are much to "modern" for old time religion - they believe in some Druid religion. I can't really understand why non-Christians would practice the Christmas holidays - apparently to want to boost the income of retailers? My children (temporarily?) forsaking the faith of their childhood is my biggest, most painful thought... even more then Mr. LU's PA. Wow! Quilting group (yay! yay!), new friendship blossoming, Mr. LU interested in counseling and a hairy conversation with kiddo negotiated, it sounds, with some grace. Wow! Good for you! Thank you. Love the encouragement and atta-girl. Yes, that often crosses my mind, too. I wonder if I'll ever feel comfortable being me or if I'll always need a strong filter of "is this co-D" as I move through life. Hopefully it will become natural and won't be a neon sign. I do know when I start to over-analyze it's because I'm stuck and not ready to move forward... not sure how that piece fits, or if it fits in the co-D thing. Thank you for your prayers; especially now when mine are so anemic and lean. Sunshine, Hope, CV, Whoami and Mayberry, thanks for the kudos on the quilts. Glad you enjoyed the photos. LookingUp
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Post by Mayberry on Dec 14, 2007 7:33:37 GMT -5
LU: Do you ever engage in "doing-prayer"? I'm sure there's a more formal term for it, but I am talking about the sort of prayer that happens when about 1/2 one's concentration is taken by a repetitive task (dishes and gardening come to mind, sewing also, for me) and one invites the other 1/2 of one's mind to walk with the Divine? It's a quieter, more centering type of prayer (at least, for me). I don't know how much of your mind is engaged/needed for your quilting, but I thought I'd mention it as you seem to be feeling some disconnect right now? This article captures, in the second half, a BIT of what I'm talking about.... www.mommylife.net/archives/2007/10/elisabeth_ellio_27.htmlWe each have what works for us, of course.... That goes without saying, but I'm reading this post as preachy when I don't mean it that way, so feel the need to qualify. I hope you have a good day today, my friend. J
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Post by LookingUp on Dec 15, 2007 10:03:22 GMT -5
Loved the article. That's where I'm trying to go in my prayer life. I'm rereading Brother Lawrence's short work. I use to have that inner and almost constant verbal dialog with God - back when I quilted full time to make my living. There were times when I'd be quilting and praying/praising and the presence of God would fill up my quilt room and I'd lay on the floor enjoying the glory of God resting in that room - even on the floor, under the quilt... God knows no bounds. I knew it was God because King Knothead (our 135 pound lab/pointer) would lay quietly beside me and not interfere; but if I'd just lay on the floor to get the kinks out of my back, he'd be all over me with licks and dog toys and expecting play time. I remember salesmen who would come to the house (quilt studio was in house), would often speak of the peace that resided there and they'd sit for an hour or more and just talk and sometimes would ask about God... one even forgot to try to sell me anything.
I don't know why things have changed. I miss that. Maybe it's because I'm trying to work that up instead of just trusting God to cause it to happen in His timing - as a gift from Him. The one thing I do know, is that having a relationship with God shouldn't be this confusing and difficult - 'tis a gift to be simple. I tend to screw it up with over analyzing and human do-ingness and having expectations instead of acceptance. My kids use to tell me I could think the fun out of anything!
I started yesterday memorizing the Song of Moses (Psalm 90) while I quilt. I find meditating by memorization enjoyable - and then praying the verses as I practice their memorization very helpful to keep in that attitude of expectancy with God. I'm trying to avoid the "gotta have it perfect," or "gotta have it done by tomorrow night" but trying to enjoy the words and the process and not the goal.
I love something Mike Bickle says about Song of Songs 1: 4 " We will be glad and rejoice in you. We will remember your love more than wine" Rejoicing and being Glad in God is an easy to grasp concept that is often taught in church; however, to Bickle, wine means not only sin (his love is better then sin), the things of the world (His love is better then worldly pleasure) but even the gifts and blessings from God (His love is better than His blessings and giftings). His love, knowing Him intimately, is more special, more memorable, more praiseworthy then even the gifts of His hand. Wow! That's my goal, my aim, my desire - to enjoy knowing Him personally, having intimate fellowship and camaraderie with Him, to KNOW Him in the fullness of his glory (as Apostle Paul said in Phil 3:10).
Thanks for sharing your insight and wisdom; it means a lot to me.
LookingUp
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Post by LookingUp on Dec 16, 2007 7:39:46 GMT -5
I HATE when I gently point out where my husband is being selfish and making unilateral decisions and instead of an apology, he treats me like I have leoprosy - like I'm invisible - especially when the following day he's still got his panties in a wad. Aurgh.
He'd been doing well in this area. But apparently this time he felt I should be falling all over him with thank you's and you're awesome for having made a decision that affected me without my input. Grrrrrrr.
It's an especially tender area because it involved our sex life.
LookingUp
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Post by Mayberry on Dec 16, 2007 8:14:36 GMT -5
Here's to a rapid unwadding of said panties.
(((((LookingUp)))))
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Post by whoami on Dec 16, 2007 12:53:17 GMT -5
This resonates with my feelings too, so much. You put that into words, so well - Was watching PBS the other night, and there was in the background, just a few lines from that song "tis a gift to be simple..." Is that next part "tis a gift to be free?" That resonated with me too, that night, in some unknown way, but even moreso now, after reading you. It was background for a show about people's fullfilment in their arts and crafts, so of course that made me think of you too. I know I've heard that song before, and now I'm going to have to look it up and find all the words...this is a point going nowhere, but just one of those "can't get it out of my head, gotta know" things I love the name of the dog, King Knothead!! Really enjoyed the images I got in reading that story! Oh no, unilateral decisions in general..but when it comes to the sexual intimacy, well, double Aurghs from me on that one! And double HUGS for you today, LookingUp, Who
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Post by LookingUp on Dec 16, 2007 14:26:58 GMT -5
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Post by Sunshine on Dec 17, 2007 18:05:55 GMT -5
Lu-
I wanted to tell you how special you are to me. You have been such a help and such an encourager to me these last 6 months. I wish I were better at writing, it seems like I do more reading and not much writing here, but I want to thank you for sharing. I am hoping that after the holidays I will have time to gather myself together, and maybe visit you more often. You and mr Lu will be in my prayers-
Love, Sunshine
PS- have you ever thought of going into the Christmas wreath business? Your trees would look spectacular on someone's door!
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Post by LookingUp on Dec 18, 2007 16:47:07 GMT -5
Thank you, Sunshine. You're special to me, too. I'm so glad your my friend through this. I don't know if a wreath business would work here - I at the edge of the boreal forest so there's lots of trees, but there's only 11 people per square mile - so people who want wreaths make their own or buy nice ones about 24" across the woody part from the grocery store for about $10 with a big red velvet bow. To export them to the mainland, would be very expensive - to bring a car to the island is - can't remember exactly, but two adults, a car and a sleeping cabin is almost $300 for the 6 hour ferry ride - to take a trailer or a semi would probably eat all the profits... what do you think? It would be nice for the economy (and my pockets, too).
I'm a bit triggered by chasmjumper and tiger1m today. Not sure if I'm spending too much time here or what. But I'm wanting to blast 'em both.
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Post by LookingUp on Dec 27, 2007 19:57:38 GMT -5
Mr. LU has complained that I tell to much publicaly and I'm trying to learn to be more discreet and answer some of my own questions and validate some of my own responses without hanging all my dirty laundry publicly. After a very long, painful, angst-filled off-line journal entry, I placed these few paragraphs in my new journal at the new board today. I'm posted these because even after journaling and praying, I still felt confused, hurt and unsure of what to do next. Open to feedback:
Mr. LU and I got into an argument today. I finally found the guts and the time to tell him the word picture of how something that happened a couple weeks ago felt to me (Note: you won't find what this was about because I really am trying to learn to keep some private things private). His response was attack, blameshift, gaslight and eventually threaten when I didn't back down like a good object.
I won't go into the nitty gritty, but here's the part of the conversation that concerns me the most. After feeling unheard over and over and over; I wanted to quit the conversation, said so and he kept it up. That's like saying siccum to a dog and stupid me didn't walk away but let it escalate - but neither did he. I finally yell that he was the one to break the wedding vows, I wasn't; he was the one to f*** up our sex life, I wasn't. He says, “You’d better watch that hammer you’re swinging or I might hit you.” I was totally stunned. I lamely finished my sentence then said, “You mean you’d hit me?” He laughs and says only with words. He’s lied to me so many times that I really don’t know if this was a physical threat or not. But I do know even the hint of physical violence to a woman who’s suffered from physical abuse for over 20 years from a mother and ex-husband is cruel beyond measure. I think he did more with that sentence to destroy trust then he ever did with his years of porning and lying about quitting when he was just hiding it better. It especially felt like a threat because he broke his mother’s nose with a hammer when he was two.... of course that wouldn't have been on purpose - but that did come to mind when he used the word hammer.
I will say that even back when I didn't try to discuss things nicely and back when I was verbally abusive trying to be heard - he never once made me feel physically unsafe. He can be very cruel verbally, but I never felt unsafe physically. Now I'm not sure how to feel.
I cried for a couple hours while I quilted and am at a loss how to proceed - as I wipe my eyes occasionally and sniff my nose. MM says "Run, girl, run. Run away and keep PAM safe; she's so defenseless that you're a bully if you make her stay." PAM says, "He didn't mean it, you're stupid and borrowing trouble. He's a guy and guys say things when women make them feel threatened and he wouldn't really hit you." The adult is confused as she experiences the emotional pain and stays food sober. I'm proud of her. I trust she'll figure it out in time.
I am smart enough to know that even a joke about physical violence needs to be taken seriously. ____________________________
Even though about 6 hours has passed, I just want to curl into a ball and cease to exist. Why does life have to be so painful? At least I know God and I believe He has the answers.
LookingUp
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Post by hopeflows on Dec 28, 2007 8:37:56 GMT -5
I'm so sorry he made the mistake of saying these words to you, LU. It doesn't matter whether or not he meant them, those words should never have been said. He seriously needs to start making amends for even thinking such a thing. Any man uttering such reckless words just entered a new ballgame in my eyes. I'm so very sorry.
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