cammy
Full Member
Posts: 221
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Post by cammy on Nov 26, 2007 21:49:19 GMT -5
Hi LU, At one time, before I was ready for a gift, you posted in my journal. I was just coming by to say thanks, after doing some work, to make my thanks seem credible. It has been two months free for me - no big deal - but something on this side of the street. Thanks for the time you took for me. Cammy
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Post by LookingUp on Nov 26, 2007 22:11:09 GMT -5
Wow! Congratulations on 2 months free - and I think that's a REALLY big deal. What a wonderful gift to give yourself - a big step towards freedom from your addiction. I'd break out the band to help you celebrate this milestone - but I don't know how to add sound to a message board! Way to go!
LookingUp
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Post by whoami on Nov 27, 2007 0:07:41 GMT -5
{{{{{{Lookingup}}}}}, I'm going to have to think and pray a little more about your moving ahead. Right now Hopeflows advice is looking pretty good! He has some nerve, can I say, to speak to you about betrayal!
My heart goes out to you, about the MBI issues, especially. Being in a fog is crazy making enough without someone adding to that. I know, I know, it's not being done intentionally (at least I'm pretty convinced it's just him doing the "cover my a$$" song and dance, heedless, IGNORANT of how that makes you feel. I think this way because that's how I feel about my H, I may be wrong)
Can I say that I identify with the bmi issues, just a bit, because of the alcoholism, the withdrawls, the menopause stuff... not that I really know what you're going thru, but just enough to imagine?
Despite any lapses you might have, I feel they are NOT that significant in the scheme of things. You know where it's at, woman! You are super intelligent, spirit guided, so what! for some minor discrepencies in the memory. They are insignificant, as far as I can see. A TRICK, by the enemy, to make you feel gaslighted and frustrated, and like giving up. Don't you give up.
Please don't reinforce something negative by apologizing. You have done nothing to apologize for, every thing you've done you've done for love, for your recovery, for your marriage. God has given you blameless motives and does not accuse you of wrongdoing in your sharing with others!
Arrrggg...I love you, and thinking of you, TTYS Whoami
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Post by Mayberry on Nov 27, 2007 9:42:49 GMT -5
Friend: rough posts recently. I'm going to try to tackle your last one a bit. I could fair hear the frustration about to burst from your seams last night. Love you, very much. J
That must be very frustrating. Personally, I would very much like to get to know your husband from his own viewpoint. I wish he would reconsider and start his own journal here. I see you guys as a "team", although a team that doesn't quite know how to work together. I'd like to know you both more deeply and, I suspect, the medium of journaling honestly for "yourselves" might lead to some easier real-life dynamic between the two of you. I find that my journal allows me to process through the "petty stuff" and gain some clarity and perspective. I would be uncomfortable with the thought that my husband dipped down into my journal and fixated on the moments when I was confused, hurt, worried, dumb and carried resentment, anger, confusion, pain of his own in response. I'm not saying that is what your husband is doing; it's where my thoughts led me. Fortunately, I can see how you use your journal to move through and past things that worry, distress, confuse, anger you. If your husband chooses to continue to read, I sincerely pray that he can find the "balance" and the good in your process of journaling, and that he will not be tempted to fixate on the moments of frustration and negativity that are endemic to our human condition. I don't know whether you rail against the fact that your husband has fairly free access to your (flawed and brilliant) "inner workings"--and you have no access to his. If you do, I hope you will do what you can to free yourself from any bad feeling or resentment about that...perhaps I'm just preaching to myself here, as, from time to time, I am bothered by the fact that I have created a freely readable "record" of my path, and my husband has chosen not to. What has been helpful to me? The continued mantra that we all have our own tools, our own best-paths to suit us. That said, I *still* often long for a gentle way to "dip" into my husband's thoughts and processes. Talking face to face, which we do to some extent, is pretty intense. The luxury of a shared journal seems, to me at least, a gentler way of learning about each other. Again, I hope your husband will reconsider having a journal of his own, both as a gift to himself and to you. I'm glad he could voice understanding of your distress. Sometimes, for me, that's ALL I need: to know that my distress is understood, and that I'm not a bad person for feeling the distress. For me, it really doesn't have to get deeper than that: a simple, "Oh, I hear you and I understand why you felt that way" is a great gift; if it's followed by "I'll try not to do that again" it's even better. Here's hoping! This is such a delicate balance. I'm sorry your husband feels hurt or shame in this area. I have observed some interesting things here. Mr. Mayberry went, I think, from "can't speak about it because it doesn't exist" to "the addiction exists and I don't care who knows it" to some moderate middle ground where I am respectful how and to whom I speak about "it". It's delicate. If I were recovering from drug addiction, for example, I know that I would feel odd knowing that my husband was talking about it with others. If I had beaten the addiction, I would still feel a bit uncomfortable but, perhaps, also a little proud that there was good news to report with the bad? I'm not sure. I've thought about this often in our lives here. I know, emotionally, spiritually and intellectually, that I have the need and the "right" to speak about the effects of my husband's addiction in my own life. I also know (on all levels) that I respect my husband and his image in our community of friends, and I look to him to provide some "lead" about how openly we speak about this part of our lives. Much as I've wanted to speak plainly to the "truth" of our past year to my father and to Mr. M's aunt, I have not. This makes it difficult for people who love both of us to support us. That said, I have indicated that there has been something going on in our lives and that we are both taking steps to address it. I cannot live entirely "speechless" on the subject without feeling anger, resentment, isolation, falseness. I'm so sorry, for both of you. I think you have the right to be honest with others about YOUR situation, and I personally trust you to be respectful of your husband in that process. From what I know of you, I feel that you use your journal to distill your reactions to any given thing down to the essense of that thing--that you use it to filter off the unhelpful, the reactive, and get to positive thought and action fairly quickly. I hope your husband will see this; it will be harder for him because he is IN the situation too, and it will be harder for him to view it objectively. I sincerely hope NEITHER of you will get bogged down in anger and blame. Your situation IS what it is, and there's very little of use (IMO) in railing against WHATEVER the situation IS. Far more useful (IMO) to join forces and move forward together. I am praying for you both, every single day. J
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Post by Mayberry on Nov 28, 2007 8:20:37 GMT -5
You know, LU, I have been thinking about the situation with your husband's distress over "who you've told" and I wonder if what I wrote to you about validation might be helpful turned around and applied in the opposite direction?
Here's what I wrote:
Perhaps what your husband "needs" to hear is something like: I hear that you're concerned about the number of people I speak to about my life with you and I've heard you say that you feel betrayed by me and that you'd rather I speak to no one about "your business". I know you've heard my need to speak to people about what's going on in my life. Can you tell me more about what you need in this situation and why? I want to act respectfully toward you, and I'd just like to listen, right now, to you talk about how you feel when I talk to others about what's going on in our life together.
And then, just listen. Taking notes, if needed. And reflect on the situation without responding in the moment. And see what clarity comes?
Just a thought about what might be a useful first step? I don't know if you've already tried to do this, or whether you were so caught off-guard by his "you've betrayed me too!" response (as I read it) that you're now trying to "solve" the problem in isolation from him. Perhaps he needs to know he's been heard (though not necessarily agreed with) and that you'd like to know more about what he feels and why?
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Post by Sunshine on Nov 28, 2007 15:46:03 GMT -5
Hi LU
I have a little time here in the motel, so I have been trying to catch up a bit , and I apologize if I am off base.
I am sorry that MR LU is upset with you sharing about your life. I think that when they have issues of inferiority or insecurity, it makes them feel more inferior or insecure. But to me, it is simply sharing the truth of your life with people who can support you in your struggle. It is more of him reaping the conscequences of what he has sown by the choices he has made.
B and I talked last night about this same subject. I am suffering greatly because I shared with someone, in trying to help another hurting woman with the same problem, and someone, who had agreed that it "would not leave the room" used it to divide my family. Now I can't see my grandchildren. However, B wants to give a testimony to his men's group next week, but only if I agree, knowing there will be repercussions over it. I have agreed, because if his testimony will help even one person, it will be worth it. He is reading a book entitled No Secrets, by Jeanette and Robert Lauer, which talks about how secrets and lies devalue a Christian's testimony, and how they destroy marriages and families. When he is finished, I am going to have a study on the book with women from my wreath company.
LU- you are in my prayers
Sunshine
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Post by LookingUp on Nov 29, 2007 19:31:13 GMT -5
Thank you whoami, Mayberry and Sunshine for your great thoughts. I will get back to them....
I'm really struggling right now. Mr. LU and I played Yahtzee last night. He won and although I composed myself, I was livid and wanted to rip his head off. It made me realize that something is not in balance and I needed to attend to it. I also feel very self-focused recently - all about me, me, me, me. I feel I have very few reserves to reach out to others. I hate that because I was learning to enjoy not being so solitary and isolated - except when I have needs others can help me meet. So I've been analyzing and praying. Here's my preliminary thoughts:
(1) I'd like to blame hormones (an excuse I've used for decades for my poor behavior and for reverting to pity-party mentality); but I think hormones just augment what's really down underneath emotionally. Gives me something to work on during my period when I can't have sex because of blood borne pathogen. If I look at PMS/peri-menopause as my body's way of getting my attention to work on emotional things, then I can be thankful for the mood fluctuations and not feel so frustrated by them.
(2) I've been eating more sugar-laden foods and animal protein (comfort food and anger food). I'm hurting my body and I've had dimpling/pitting edema in my feet and ankles. This is a sign that I'm back in my food addiction to the point I'm harming my health. I went back to my vegetarian diet today and feel calmer already.
(3) I'm stressed and fearful. I'm wanting to believe the changes in Mr. LU are sincere and not a smoke-screen. I can't know until time has passed. I don't like this unknown. All my insecurities come to the forefront until I can only focus on me and hoping I've got my bases covered. I remember as a kid we'd have A-bomb safety drill and we'd have to go to a certain wall, kneel into a little ball on our hands and knees with faces on the floor with our forhead next to the wall and put our hands over our neck to protect ourselves. We had a A-Bomb drill monthly and a fire exit drill monthly. I feel like I felt then - hoping I'm interpreting the signal correctly and not running in the corner when I should be walking in a line outside... hoping my dress didn't show my panties (we had a dress code back in the dark ages) and wishing I could just go home where I knew Mom and Dad would keep me safe. Am I reading his signals right? Am I doing the right thing to keep me safe? Is this a drill or the real thing? Wish I didn't have to deal with it....
(4) I'm church hunting and I didn't know that would be so scarey. My fear is I'll get one and discover it's not a compatible match and have to hunt for another one in a month or two. I want a church where I can grow - but not one where I can't fit in. The church I attended a couple weeks ago was talking about Biblical symbolism - said a sparrows symbolize the poor; the swallow symbolizes those who don't feel they fit in and go back and forth trying to feel at home. I about cried when he said that. It reminded me of Psalms 84:3 "Even the sparrow finds a home there, and the swallow builds her nest and raises her young-- at a place near your altar, O LORD Almighty, my King and my God!" It gave me hope that I can find a place where I feel safe and where I fit and won't have to feel I have to flit all over. I'm starting to feel this may happen by changes I need to make internally; rather then who I worship with. That's scarey. New growth seems to sometimes bring me excitement and hope, but this just feels like ..... more busy work for some future reward that may or may not happen. I'm tired of recovery work, I just want to live my life healthy and skip the recovery part. Can a computer chip be implanted so I start getting it right the easy way?
(5) I'm having a dark night of the soul. I'm still spending time with God, but it feels dry and lifeless. This too shall pass. I'm also trying to learn to Practice the Presence of God (as Brother Lawrence said in his book) throughout the day. Maybe I've bit off more then I can chew. Again, fear.
(6) Mr. LU and I both have chest colds and I'm not sleeping well. Lack of rest adds to the feelings of frustration and helplessness. Again, time and patience and my body will heal itself. The little chest cramps and soft electrical current feelings in my chest bring fear that my obesity has affected my heart. I haven't found a family doctor - so that's another stressor. Who do I take my problem to? I won't take it to Mr. LU because he lost his late wife when she got up at night to go to the bathroom and she died in the hallway with a massive heart attack. If I discover I've hurt myself, then I'll tell him; however, I don't want to alarm him prematurely. Chances are it's my chest cold or liver being overworked from the excess food.
(7) Then there's always the seasonal stress. I love Jesus, but I hate His birthday - too commercialized; too easy to have unrealistic expectations that get dashed. I realize Mr. LU does all the decorating and when the season is over he puts everything away - he's done that for over 30 years. I'm relieved because that removes some of the stress for me.
(8) I wanted to have the quilt quilted by the end of the month. That obviously isn't going to happen. I haven't felt like "tying" myself to the quilt frame. I need to do it so it's done and I can start on something I'll enjoy.
Reminder to self: This, too, shall pass.
LookingUp
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Post by Mayberry on Nov 29, 2007 20:41:24 GMT -5
Breathe. I would suggest some broth, a nice vegetable broth. And sleep. And breathe..... intentionally deeply fully..... breathe.
(sending you hugs)q
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Post by whoami on Nov 30, 2007 0:16:23 GMT -5
You have quite the list of stressors going on right now, I'm glad you listed them so you can look at what all you're dealing with, and realize it's not you going nuts - life is just throwing a lot at you right now!
You might feel like it's all you you you, right now, but even when you feel too depleted to reach out, you are still probably the most giving person I know!
1.Hormonal excuses may be over used (ahem, by everyone), but these are real chemicals in our bodies acting up. They exist for a reason, and you are wise to pay attention to how they make you feel
2. I am sorry your body doesn't let you get away with "cheating!" I'm sorry you've had to pay so dearly but I'm betting you're back on track now
3. I wish none of us had to deal with this thing...but it seems more manageable when there aren't so many other stresses in life. You have a lot right now, hopefully when you feel better physically, and other factors diminish...maybe "this thing" will be less exhausting and negative feeling
4.Church hunting would be nerve-wracking for me. I get frantic over decisions, not realizing they can be reversed. I wonder if the insight you got today, about internal changes, might help the process somewhat - make it less scary? (Will keep this whole process in prayer)
5. Yes, your dark night will pass...but oh I know how bad that feels! Like it just can't pass fast enough...and yet, these times are in the whole plan. We may not know the reasons, but not to worry, God does and understands!
6. Stress can play heck with our chests too...again, so much going on emotionally and physically! I don't know your medical system in CA, but can you see a Dr or NurseP or PA until you find a family doc?
7. It's a shame Christmas has to be a time of anxiety and depression for God's kids...but I think it's the human condition, unfortunately, and that our expectations are just too big and off track!
8. Not being a crafter, if that's the quilt you're doing by hand, I'd find that tedious! Would listening to some happy and lively music help the task go easier and faster?
Sweet dreams...and may these struggles pass you by with all God's speed!
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Post by hopeflows on Nov 30, 2007 13:26:19 GMT -5
I'm sorry you aren't feeling well, LU. I hope today is better for you
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Post by LookingUp on Dec 1, 2007 18:24:41 GMT -5
Thanks whoami and hopeflows. You ladies' love and concern really means a LOT to me. I'm so thankful for the women who have befriended me, loved me, encouraged me, been strong with me at times, and are nurturuing me back to health. hopeflows, thanks for your encouragement on my health. I'm a bit more perky today. Maybe 10 hours of sleep last night helped. Still have a cough. whoami, thanks for the good idea. I've been listening to the Bible on tape. I changed from the Bible to an audiobook. I was at the end of Leviticus and I thought if I'd hear one more law that I would scream. I love to read them, but to hear those "don't do.... don't do....." while doing work that feels tedious anyway was a bit much. I'm listening to John Ortberg's book, "Everybody's Normal 'til you get to know them" It's talking about building relationships and why that's important and how we do it wrong and don't realize it. Lots of thought provoking stuff. FYI - it's on sale on tape for $4.99 for the unabridged book at christianbook.com - in case anybody is looking for Christmas gift ideas for their acquaintances who don't do friendship very well. I have a big box (one of those you buy 10 reams of paper in) overflowing with books on tape that my sister has sent me through the years. I think I'll relisten to "Perfect Storm" next book. I'll save Leviticus for the next quilt which will have lots of plain places for me to be creative. The quilt can be divided into 16 quilting divisions - it takes me 16 times to go across it doing tiny stitches - each time across is about 3-1/2 hours. I am now 9/16 done. YAY. I think it will be easier now that I'm on the downhill side. I think some of the concerns that may have been heart was sore muscles from assuming the "quilting" position - the left wrist, arm and shoulder have to exert pressure to push the needle back through the fabric; plus sit for hours in a slightly awkward position that isn't used for much except for quilting. That gave me relief; but I still think I need to talk to an MD and get my annual well-woman check after the first of the year. I am back eating healthy food. I feel a bit weak, disoriented and achy as my body adjusts to the change: presume it's sugar/meat withdrawal. But I feel more peace within and had little feelings of God's love during morning quiet time. Those were good acknowledgements that I'm taking the next right step. Mr. LU has been making some real efforts and I really appreciate them. I'm still a bit fearful of it - a part of me doesn't want to trust him because I may get hurt.... but if I don't move through the pain of getting closer then I will cause harm to the marriage. I feel like a rock and a hard place. I got out of the house and had a nice chat with my friend. Please remember friendship is new for me and I only met her in March. I'm really not sure she can be as close of friend as I was hoping. I know they are going through a difficult time right now, but she manages to get the conversation turned around to all the people we both know who have done her wrong, who don't see things her way, blah, blah. She acted quit hurt when I started to say something bad about somebody she was talking bad about and then said I really had to hush because the Spirit was dealing with me. I will be more guarded and see if this is just a pattern or not. She informed me we weren't gossiping, we were "sharing our heart." Well, I don't think God saw it as sharing our heart - especially since it was a person we'd discussed before. I realized that it's easy to pick up that judgmental attitude and bring it home with me like a cute, lost puppy. That's not good for me. Part of me then fears that I'll never get friends if I'm so picky. I guess I need to be strong enough to remain standing on my boundaries.... after all, how could she feel safe to tell me much if I blab about others (or me tell her much if she blabs about others). I'm realizing a lot about friendship that I didn't know before. I did tell her I'm fairly new at adult friendships and appreciate pointers - but I wasn't comfortable with that pointer.
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Post by LookingUp on Dec 1, 2007 19:26:51 GMT -5
Back to review a previous topic. My hurt at Mr. LU saying that I had betrayed him..... I think partially why that hurt so bad is it's partially true; but mostly it hurt me because he didn't validate that I had used discretion and hadn't told hundreds of people. I "could" have announced it as a prayer request in the small ladies prayer circle I attended; I "could" have announced it in the church service as a prayer request where several hundred would have heard; I didn't tell anybody who I knew was friends of his or his late wife's; I didn't tell anybody in his family. Maybe I didn't use the amount discretion he would have liked - but he didn't acknowledge that I did use what I felt was appropriate for a long-term issue.
Mr. LU is planning to go to church with me tomorrow morning. We're expecting 15 cm of snow - so we'll see what happens.....
LookingUp
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Post by Mayberry on Dec 1, 2007 22:13:10 GMT -5
Wow, dearheart! You *are* on the downward slope with your quilt...aren't you? I enjoyed your reflections tonight....books on tape, assuming the quilting position (reminds me of the strain Ang gave herself sanding her walls--she was pretty convinced it was her heart too...but a few days not doing the same repetitive motion reassured her...BTW, are you doing any warm-up stretches/making sure you get up and do range of motion or just sitting "straight across"). It's particularly interesting listening to you reflect on your friendship with your new friend and with Mr. LU too. I don't know if this will be helpful, particularly as you are just building a friendship with the woman, and you are recovering friendship with Mr. LU after lies/betrayal/hard times... but one of the things that has always helped me know when I'd found a good friendship was just a quiet feeling of trust that grew and grew. With Ang, for example, I can talk "bad" when I need to and I know that she's not judging me...nor will she betray me...it's a bit like a the filter that journaling gives me...she smooths my rough edges by gentle listening and, when I need "correcting", will often just ask a simple question and, as I answer it, I can hear the wrongness in myself and correct it. She doesn't try to "heal and convert" me to "proper thinking" or chastise me when I'm in a truly peeved place. Conversely, one of the things that has always let me know when a friendship was on its way out was the diminishment of that companionableness, that trust, and the increase in comments that sought to "fix" me (or, from time to time, were openly attacking, critical or rejecting of me). I think, no matter how experienced at friendship one is or isn't, one can truly *feel* the difference between someone who's "in your corner" and accepting and helping one as friends do, and one who isn't--one who is using the conversation to help himself/herself feel better, feel superior, feel more "with it." I ramble. You're got a companionable way about you; gentle, well-read, intelligent, humorous, talented, interested in others, willing to share yourself. I'm sure you've already thought about friendship being a spectrum...it may take a while to find your "kindred spirit" friend, but all relationships (I believe), if entered into with willingness to be friendly, provide room to grown and learn (and, I suspect, to recognize the "best friends" as they come along). I'll say an extra prayer for you to be able to find the right balance between safety and growth in this new friendship, as well as your friendship with Mr. LU. I will leave your reflection about the "betrayal" issue without much comment, only to say that I understand your point, and I can understand how I would feel that way too. I hope that you and Mr. LU are able to visit church together tomorrow, and that you keep safe and snug as you can on the road. Love to you, and prayers too. J PS: Glad your chest cold is easing. I have found that some grated fresh ginger, boiled in water and then sipped (with honey if you need it) eases chest congestion for me. I've used powdered ginger too. If you find it unpalatable, putting it in a bowl of hot water and doing the old towel-over-the-head breathing thing may give you some loosening/chest relief.
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Post by hopeflows on Dec 2, 2007 14:41:00 GMT -5
Hey LU I'm glad you are feeling better. Good work on the quilt too. It must be a very rewarding feeling when you finish such a project. I have hesitated commenting on Mr. LU's feelings of betrayal concerning you telling a select few about his addiction. I'm trying to choose my words carefully so that I don't come across TOO harsh. My first reaction was to tell him to stuff it, and that he just THINKS he knows what betrayal is about. Then I went into the "what? is she just supposed to keep it inside and let it fester" mode. Then I did actually feel a bit of empathy for his feeling of betrayal. Then I snapped right back into "ohhhhno, she shouldn't feel the least bit guilty for telling anyone. HE started this mess". What I have boiled down too is this.....of course he wants you to feel guilty about it, and of course he used "betrayal" as the reason because you were indeed betrayed and he knows you know this feeling well. Also, this addiction lives and breeds in secrecy, it would only be natural for him to want you to keep quiet about it. I don't think you have anything to feel the least bit bad about. YOU did nothing wrong. If he feels betrayed, instead of going into the "poor me" mode, perhaps he should use this feeling to TRY and understand what he did to you and how it made you feel.
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Post by LookingUp on Dec 6, 2007 22:30:51 GMT -5
J, thank you for the insights on friendships. I find them very helpful because adult friendships are new for me. As for the quilt, I am now 7/8 done - was at the quilt frame about 6 or so hours today. Another 6 hours and it will be done! YAY! Mr. LU and I will visit my friend and her husband in the morning for the men to de-virus/spam his computer. In the afternoon my friend and I will visit a new acquaintance who has terminal cancer - unless God intervenes (she's on pallative care - and just found out about 2 or 3 weeks ago she had cancer). You might pray we have wisdom and speak into her life what God would like us to say; she's in her early/mid 40s and her husband left her when she got sick so her parents are caring for her.
Great insights, hopeflows. I feel very much the same. I asked him how he felt about me betraying him and he said the same way I felt when he betrayed me. I asked if he felt like the ugliest woman in the world? If he felt like he was a sexual looser and even a piece of paper was sexier then him? He hurriedly pointed out that I was more deeply injured but the other emotions were the same. He did not vocalize those emotions.
I'm feeling very vulnerable. I'm not sure if I'm expecting too much too soon. But I feel like I'm so very open and Mr. LU is so very closed. It makes me fearful. Am I such a looser wife that he can't even tell me how he feels? Is he so emotionally numb that he has no idea what he's feeling? If he's that numb, then does that mean he's not sober? Today we watched another Gary Smalley video and it was about our parent's parenting style. I could speak to what type of parenting each of my parents were - and what type I was -- both the good and bad. When I asked, he said his parents didn't fit any of the models given so he couldn't speak to that. It was a closed subject and he went outside to smoke and I wasn't going to go out in the snow to beat my head against his reluctance.
I don't know what's a realistic expectation are or what might just be BS to string me along thinking he's growing when he's just BSing me. That frightens me. This makes me feel very vulnerable. Vulnerable right now is good - because it means I'm recognizing that the relationship is lopsided and I either need to reign in my honesty or stay vulnerable and figure out how to handle the fear - or is it inevitable? I'm just not sure what is SAFE; what is healthy relationship stuff. I know it's good for me to learn to speak my honesty - but maybe he's not a safe choice to speak my honesty to since he doesn't reciprocate. I'm not sure how to speak to him about that - maybe I'm co-D, but if he's not yet at the place to know his truth, then he can't speak it and then I'm not being fair.... or is fair even part of the thought process? I'm just confused.
With me being open and him being hidden, it makes me wonder if we're starting on another cycle where I get hurt.... by my unrealistic/unmet expectations.
LookingUp
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