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Post by choselife on Dec 5, 2007 3:12:21 GMT -5
I guess I'll just call this my "feeling" post; or should I just say "feeling depressed", or better yet the "talking off the top of my head" post. I am going to do my best just to say thoughts as they occur to me, no editing. I acted out again today. Made a very clear choice. I am doing nothing but feeling sorry for myself. I am depressed, and all because I made myself depressed. When things don't go my way, i.e. working out my sex life with my wife, that doesn't make me depressed. My reaction to it (acting out) makes me depressed, makes me feel hopeless because I have given myself that message through my actions. OK, that made a lot of sense above, but not what I had in mind for this post. So here goes again. I am a (expletive)en loser. Poor, poor me. I have such a troubled life (sarcasm). I am effing up my entire life. I feel spiritually dead. This post is hard to do, so I will focus it by thinking of all the ways my acting out screws my life up (off the top of my head). It makes me feel hopeless, pathetic, like an effing loser. It makes me get fat, not exercise, not focus, not do my best at anything, feel self-absorbed, be totally out of the moment, live life totally absorbed in my belly-button, or should I say penis. Well, thats all I can think of for now. Now, to the other side, which is how good I have felt when I have towed the line. I felt truly alive, like anything is possible, not just in work, but in every aspect of my life. I'm tired and going to bed. This post is a start to setting the tone for future posts. I will get better at this, or I will continue to spiritually die.
CL
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Post by mrbister on Dec 5, 2007 10:18:23 GMT -5
Hi CL, sorry to hear of your woes. Focus on what the future holds, on what you can yet still achieve. And always make it your prime objective to move away from all that is bringing you down. Strive against that ominous tide. You will find that strength in you, and you will recover. Don't fear, just get back to fighting. We all have tough times. As so many have said, the achievement is not in never falling down, but in always getting back up.
All the best getting your footing back. It's time to start walking again.
Mr. B.
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Post by Stillhopeful on Dec 8, 2007 7:14:15 GMT -5
An old approach, but a good one! And that is - start counting days, CL. One day at a time. At the end of each clean day, you are closer to all that you are seeking - that feeling of getting on top of things, of knowing with complete certainty that you are on the right path. I suggest the tried and true 100 day target. What do you say?
Still
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Post by choselife on Dec 8, 2007 7:35:24 GMT -5
Thanks, MrBister and StillHopeful. Even though the last 2,3 days were technically clean, there was far too much middle circle behavior. So, I will take you up on your suggestion, Still, and today is day 1. I do truly know how good life can be when I make those right decisions day by day. It is reasonably fresh in my memory. I have not recently been willing to do the work, and it is work, even though the work does get easier day by day for the most part.
CL
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Post by mrbister on Dec 8, 2007 7:37:44 GMT -5
Yes, the work does certainly get easier day by day on the whole. It's important to remember that, good job reminding yourself and all of us too.
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Post by sandpaper on Dec 9, 2007 1:46:22 GMT -5
Hi CL,
I'm glad to see you're posting and being honest about your experiences. As Still reminds us, every day is a new day. And you have demonstrated you know what needs to be done for your day to be clean and productive. For your own sake, I wish you the best in reestablishing that connection within yourself. In the meantime, however, it is important to stay open about your experiences and maintain a sense of accountability. This, along with the other work, will help you find the path again and choose to take it. Every day, we must make that choice, which is why every day is Day 1. Good luck.
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Post by choselife on Dec 11, 2007 6:38:39 GMT -5
Thanks, MrBister and SP. I am now 3 days sober. I was away over the weekend and had a super busy day yesterday, so didn't have time to write.
CL
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Post by witness on Dec 11, 2007 9:37:40 GMT -5
Sounds like you are getting back on track. You know what to do. Just do it! One day at a time. That is a proven formula.
God bless you!
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Post by sandpaper on Dec 12, 2007 23:31:58 GMT -5
Super busy days can be good. They keep us productive and clean.
Best of luck in making that hard choice we each must make every day: to choose life.
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Post by tomlincolnsixecho on Dec 13, 2007 5:37:43 GMT -5
Keep at it CL. Get angry and then start moving. I don't think a slip is the end of the world, You still get another go at it. I agree that one day at a time is the best approach, why worry about whats going to happen in 2028, if every day is as good as the one that preceded it, and you live it to your best, thats all you can do, now if you string them all together, then you will be living a pretty good life.
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Post by choselife on Dec 17, 2007 14:49:27 GMT -5
thanks, witness, sp and tlse. I am now 9 days without any "real life" acting out, have occasionally looked at some P online with very little interest (force of "bad" habit. ) So, I am in not as bad a place, but not a good place. Definitely not working real hard on recovery. I'm hooked on a site that reviews places I would act out. So, all in all, I'm not doing real well. I should take Ian06 up on his suggestion to go to a 12-step meeting once again, for the at least temporary "jolt" it would give me. There is always hope, but based upon my relatively minimal effort for a good while, its hard to feel real optimistic currently. Well, at least I chose to post today.
CL
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Post by larus on Dec 18, 2007 5:30:52 GMT -5
hi cl, it seems you are putting your heels in the sand on your way to recovery and you are aware of it. Posting here is a positive, getting your state of mind out in the open. But it makes me sad. Of course there is not much we can do, it is all up to you. Yes we can encourage you and I will do so: get your recovering in gear! Don't let this addiction blind you or paralize you. Do what you can to get away from it! I know you are not religious but for my own peace of mind I sent a prayer up. best to you Larus
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Post by choselife on Dec 18, 2007 7:08:18 GMT -5
Thanks for the prayer, Larus. I will take what I can get. I promised myself I would write this morning, so here it is, although not much time to write much more. From time to time, I become aware of how much my giving in to this craving hurts me. This is one of those times. It is depressing and exhausting and limiting, among other things. Yesterday afternoon and evening, I successfully disciplined myself to either write or read from this board any time I had impulses to use my time in other bad ways. One day at a time. I've been in this mess before, and gotten out of it. Here's hoping I'll do it again (and that it will be for the final time.
CL
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Post by Ian06 on Dec 20, 2007 4:15:32 GMT -5
Hey CL
I'm just back from my trip. Had a minute to check in tonight. I'll give you a call tomorrow.
Take care, my friend.
Ian
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Post by witness on Dec 20, 2007 5:13:21 GMT -5
I know you will not give up! And YES, this time can be the time you find real victory!
May God bless you!
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