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Post by choselife on Oct 28, 2007 7:45:48 GMT -5
From the 158 days of sobriety, I was able to truly "feel" how good it was to be living life free of the compulsive thoughts, the behavior, etc. That was incredibly valuable to me. It was more than just words, it was truly experiential. I was relaxed, I was so much more living in the moment, closest to carefree that I have ever been. I was radiating with positive energy on many days. I miss that very much. Its more than just a theoretical construct. It has to be experienced, I believe, to give that motivation to stay clean. Of course, I did blow it, but having experienced how good it felt, I do so much want to get back to it, and I know on a deep level that is impossible if I even flirt with danger.
Gregg, Thanks for writing. Yes, telling my wife is off the table. I just know that it would do a great deal of damage to my entire family including of course myself. The reality is that I have made a good deal of progress over the last couple of years, my relationship with my wife is in a far better place, with good prospects, so there is a degree of thinking "if its not broken, don't fix it". My marriage would be over if I disclosed all, I am 99% certain of that. Meanwhile, as is, my marriage has gotten significantly better. I don't know what to add, other than I am so glad that disclosing to your wife has worked out for both of you.
I am doing better the last couple of days. More positive energy, meditating more frequently. Could do better on the procrastination front, which is why I'm signing off for now.
Thanks to all who continue to follow my journal and to support me.
CL
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Post by empower on Oct 28, 2007 15:47:44 GMT -5
Hi there,
How's it all going?
Empower
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Post by sandpaper on Oct 29, 2007 10:31:58 GMT -5
CL,
Like I said, I'm with you either way. I wish you luck on your journey, however you choose to pursue it.
SP
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Post by JohnG on Oct 30, 2007 13:27:58 GMT -5
CL,
Have you heard from Ian? I just want to know if you guys are talking and if he is ok. If you haven't talked to him in a while could you call him and ask him?
Thanks,
JohnG
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Post by choselife on Oct 30, 2007 18:51:59 GMT -5
Hey, Empower. I'm doing much better the last few days. Not perfect, but much, much better. The fog is certainly lifting.
Sandpaper, Thanks for your understanding and concern.
JohnG, I sent you a PM re: Ian.
CL
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Post by Covad on Oct 30, 2007 23:47:39 GMT -5
CL: I thought I would drop by to say hello. I am encouraged by your upbeat posts. I worry about those who have a setback after a long string of sobriety. I think we can too easily lose sight of the tremendous progress we have made. That is the part of counting days that has a downside. For as much as it can motivate us, it can really do damage to us emotionally and psychologically when we look at where we were and how long it took to get there, and then we look at where we are, having to start all over. THAT, can be damned discouraging.
I'm happy to see your posts are focusing on the positive aspects of your recovery. I agree also that confessing to our spouses needs to be done with care and in some cases, more harm can be caused than good. I think you are wise in thinking of the impact on your family.
This is a long hard battle and you and I have been doing this for a long time. I think we need to take a big step back and look at the progress we have made over the past few years. You have made tremendous strides.
I believe that as long as we focus on activities and not necessarily results, we will find that over time, our recovery will lift us beyond the occasional instances of acting out. We need to be sure that every single day we are moving forward in our recovery through study, prayer, participation, and just a concerted effort to improve our lives. If we focus on those DAILY activities, the results will take care of themselves.
If we do what we need to do, we will become who we want to become.
Your are a good man and an inspiration to me as I seek recovery.
Covad
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Post by choselife on Nov 3, 2007 7:16:32 GMT -5
I'm sober now for about 9 days, but still looking at inappropriate triggering stuff on line. Not exactly showing any commitment to recovery, yet still better than actually acting out.
This is a long hard battle and you and I have been doing this for a long time. I think we need to take a big step back and look at the progress we have made over the past few years. You have made tremendous strides. I believe that I have, but that I am always at best only a few steps away (pun intended, get it - strides) from undoing those strides.
I never feel like posting when I am anything but totally clean, because I want to continue down the same path, so the last thing I want is feedback which will steer me away.
I will do my best to have a balanced weekend.
CL
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Post by larus on Nov 3, 2007 11:42:16 GMT -5
hi choselife,
I am glad that you did post. So that you can be supported. Wishing you a fine p free weekend. Larus
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Post by sandpaper on Nov 3, 2007 15:28:03 GMT -5
Hang in there, CL. I completely understand your not wanting to post when you're not "totally clean." As I've stated before, it was that very sentiment that drove me away from this board for almost a year-and-a-half: because I kept slipping, I felt ashamed and unworthy of everyone else. Following those feelings, however, simply deprived me of a valuable source of support when it would have been most helpful.
Good luck this weekend and I hope we hear from you as you struggle through these difficult times.
Sandpaper
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Post by mrbister on Nov 4, 2007 5:15:04 GMT -5
Hi there, I just want to wish you the best of luck in returning to sobriety. Additionally I was curious about the meditation that you practice. What sort of meditation is it, and do you find it helps you with your sobriety?
Good luck.
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Post by Stillhopeful on Nov 6, 2007 12:07:54 GMT -5
Hello CL,
I haven't been around here recently due to health issues, which appear to be resolving. I have just caught up on your situation by reading your journal entries for the past few weeks. Stay connected here and hold fast to your sobriety daily and the pattern held previously, including steady personal growth, will return. I've been thinking about you and how you are doing and will check back soon.
Still
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gregg70
Full Member
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Posts: 248
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Post by gregg70 on Nov 6, 2007 22:27:07 GMT -5
CL,
Be strong and hold on.
I still believe in you.
Gregg70
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Post by Johannes on Nov 7, 2007 9:42:17 GMT -5
cl,
would it make sense to put "looking at triggering material online" on your bottom line?
I think you and I have to get some clarity around the question why we want to be 100% sober.
Let's all recover.
Johannes
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Post by Stillhopeful on Nov 8, 2007 8:24:37 GMT -5
Definitely time for an update, CL. We are anxious to hear from you. Please post.
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Post by choselife on Nov 9, 2007 8:28:06 GMT -5
Thank you everybody for your concern. Just like all of the other times I have not posted for a few days, I have been doing quite poorly. Have engaged in real life acting out (massage) twice; and internet P. I am hoping that one thing that will be helpful is that I have now revealed about the real life acting out. So why have I allowed this to occur? What has changed in my life? Only one thing comes to mind - my pretty much accepting of my wife's lack of interest in sex with me. We have talked about it a few times recently, and they were actually good talks. My wife boils it down to the physical and hormonal effects of menopause, which makes sex physically uncomfortable, and decreases her desire in general. She tells me it clearly is not about me. Anyhow, my response to situations that I feel no control over is to act out. As if I there is no other alternative and I have this incredibly convenient excuse. Also, my work continues to go very well, but I am not as productive. I will never find out how good I can be if I am not sober, but I seem willing to settle to live off my instincts and talent, which are pretty good, but not as effective because of distraction, diminished focus, and not doing enough research, reading etc to truly maximize what I can do. Its all bs, and I allow myself to acccept this bs. (the bs meaning convincing myself that I need to cave in to PA/SA). I just cancelled a free P account, before I started this PM. My intention is to post more often (other than perhaps this weekend, when I will be away for a good part of it). I don't know what else to say for now. I am grateful to those who stick with me. I know I don't always take advantage of the support, but please keep it coming, because I expect to get back to it. I for certain would have been less motivated to make this post if it were not for the support. I can overcome this. A first step to doing so is simply believing in myself, believing that I am strong enough and wise enough to make lemonade out of lemons (referring to the romantic relationship with my wife). I love you guys.
(edit) I just cut and pasted from my post in Sandpaper's journal.
I sure relate to that, particularly in regard to my sex (or should I say "lack of sex" life.
Unfortunately, this doesn't help me, enough as I have known this for such a long time. But this knowledge is overcome by the thrill of P or acting out, even by merely the escape value of it. It is a lot easier to head in that direction than to confront the pain and disappointment that is part of the human condition. I say it that way because I don't believe my life is particularly more painful than anybody elses. So, ultimately, when I hit that fork in the road where I am experiencing some feelings or emotions that are triggering escaping, which voice will I listen to? Too often, I have listened to the wrong voice. Its only by listening to the right voice that I can grow and learn, and gradually build the confidence that I can handle all of the unknown, all of the pain, all of the feelings that I will encounter along that path. That path must be gone down time and time again, it must become a habit, must become at least the rule and not the exception. That path leads to a treasured and valued life, regardless of the pain encountered along the way. It leads to a place that my gut tells me I will be thrilled to arrive at. It is like climbing up a steep mountain path, and finally arriving at the summit where I can both look down and see how far that I have travelled, and look outward at the endless view showing the almost endless possibiltiies that are out there. The path that I have been on is a circle, an endless loop, always leading back eventually to the same crossroads, sometimes taking a hell of a lot longer to even get back to the same crossroads, due to being on autopilot PA/SA fog mode. Its the cycle of my addiction, or whatever I may choose to call it.
CL
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