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Post by Johannes on Nov 17, 2007 13:50:30 GMT -5
choselife,
Once again, I feel we're in a very similar situation. And strangely enough, I dreamed of you last night: it was a surreal scene in which on the one hand your daughter refused to speak to you because she had found out something about your acting out, and then there was a scene where "acting out" was depicted as a little furry monster, sort of nice, and easily kept in place--but then it grew and became terrifying.
Those message boards you mention are really really scary--I've only come across them a few times, and I was--yes even I with all my addictive history--so shocked and dismayed by the way people talked about "providers." Obbviously, it wouldn't take much, and I'd no longer even notice how awful all of this is.
It shouldn't be the only reason for recovery, but I am deeply worried about the legal situation: you've come so far in recovery that it would be truly tragic if you got caught while visiting a massage parlor.
My very best,
Johannes
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Post by choselife on Nov 18, 2007 9:05:15 GMT -5
Johannes, I appreciate your concerns. I do wonder what I looked like in your dream.
I have had a productive morning, as I have meditated, and read and posted on this board. I so enjoy reading SandPaper's journal, and am so glad to have met MrBister.
In the interest of getting on with my day in a balanced way, I will copy what I posted in SandPaper's journal, rather than write something new.
CL
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Post by sandpaper on Nov 18, 2007 13:54:42 GMT -5
It's good to hear things are going well for you, CL.
Thanks for your comments in my journal. It's heartening to know I am not alone in my concerns about the issue of control.
SP
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Post by mrbister on Nov 19, 2007 11:21:26 GMT -5
Hi there CL, your words on my journal were incredibly kind. Thank you. I hope that we can help each other in the recovery process.
Your journal provokes many interesting thoughts. I hope to read it more thoroughly soon when I have more free time.
Congratulations on your triumphs in your job. That really is fantastic. But, think how much more you could help those people if you could manage only to help yourself that little bit more. Your success with these children and their parents could grow further. To do that you must find the power to help yourself. Help yourself and you will also help others in inadvertant ways. I know you have already said this yourself, but perhaps it will help to consolidate the idea in your mind when you see someone else supporting your own feeling on a matter.
Use this as an aspect to overcoming the addiction. I truly hope you can find your way out of the maze addiction throws us in. It can be a maze with shifting walls if we are not careful. Don't stay in long enough for the walls to shift again.
I look forward to speaking with you again soon.
All the best CL,
Mr B
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Post by choselife on Nov 20, 2007 6:18:57 GMT -5
Thanks, MrBister.
yesterday, I acted out again. My feeble excuse was a lack of a sex life with my spouse possibly for the rest of my life, mostly due to menopausal issues. This is not imagined on my part, it was pretty well stated by my wife. Geez, now the excuse doesn't sound so feeble. Well, yes it is feeble, because people have a lot worse problems in life than me. But it does hurt. I am in the process of attempting a fundamental paradigm change in looking at life. It is a necessary step. I know that sounds quite vague and heady. Will explain more later. I know that a strict adherance to meditation and mindful principles will be a part of it. As with Johannes, if I don't do something different, this will not change. And its not a surface difference I am speaking about.
CL
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Post by Johannes on Nov 20, 2007 22:25:20 GMT -5
cl,
the parallelism in our recovery journeys is almost frightening. Yet also strangely encouraging. Knowing I'm not alone in this critical situation.
Let's all recover.
Johannes
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Post by sandpaper on Nov 22, 2007 1:58:17 GMT -5
Hi CL,
I'm glad to see you're still posting and being honest about your experiences right now. This is, after all, a place of support.
You may have already done this, but maybe it would be helpful at this point to consider the single most important factor that distinguishes your current situation from the time period during which you were clear of P/MB. Identifying that might give you a foothold with which to start your climb back up the proverbial mountain.
In any rate, take care and keep us posted on how you're doing.
SP
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Post by choselife on Nov 22, 2007 10:01:41 GMT -5
Yes, Johannes. There is a lot that is similar to our paths, and I would expect there would be a lot of similar steps towards significant recovery.
SP, There is not much different that I can think of other than my attitude. My life is good. There is one external thing different, which is coming to grips with a changing sexual relationship with my wife. That is 99% a matter of attitude anyhow, and I am perfectly capable of making great progress (along with great personal growth) handling that situation. One sober day leads to another, and one non-sober or flirting with danger day leads to another. In the field of work that I am in, there is a term called "behavioral momentum", which in essence means inertia. (edit) Actually, during those 153 days of sobriety, I came in touch for the first time in my life with what true happiness and peace was, which is living my life doing the right things, doing my best. Somehow, I lost track of that, forgot even what it felt like. It is starting to come back now fortunately, which gives me the best incentive to stay clean. I have been doing better the last few days, though not perfect. My attitude is changing in the right direction, my behavior lagging a little behind. Its a bit of a tug of war for now, with attitude pulling harder.
CL
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Post by mrbister on Nov 24, 2007 9:21:00 GMT -5
I'm just here to help pull on the attitude end of the rope. Just keep pulling all you can. Attitude won't tire before behaviour does: so long as you keep pulling you'll drag behaviour right in line with attitude. Just stay focussed. Don't let your feet slip. Sure footing is the way to win the tug of war.
The notion of behavioural momentum is spot on. I know that when I have been busy and working steadily and regularly the tendency is to keep doing so. Likewise, once I become lazy the tendency is to go on that way. We just have to make sure we keep the positive inertia going, it's so much easier than starting it up from scratch.
Good luck with the tug of war, get that inertia going and before long you'll be struggling to stop.
All the best CL.
Mr. B.
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Post by Johannes on Nov 27, 2007 21:21:30 GMT -5
How's are things, choselife? Please do check in.
Let's all recover,
Johannes
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Post by Johannes on Nov 29, 2007 22:41:46 GMT -5
choselife,
Please write in. You can't recover in silence.
Johannes
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Post by choselife on Nov 30, 2007 6:02:01 GMT -5
Its been a really bad time, acting out more than ever, out of control and scary. Now its up to me to decide what to do about it. I had an excellent session with my therapist last night. During my previous appointment a few weeks before, I told him I needed to talk about feelings (out of my gut feeling that a cognitive approach while has been very helpful in many areas of life still has its limitations. I made some progress last night talking about my feelings. He suggested that I tell in detail about a massage parlor encounter, to make it more real. I did so. It helped me feel. The session gave me impetus to call Ian from the board. It was a simply amazing talk because I was open to discussing feelings, being in the moment with him. He has so much knowledge to offer me, but more than anything, he is a loving person who understands how critical it is to recovery to "feel". He suggested again attempting to attend some SAA meetings. I am going to make more of an effort to "sneak" in a meeting occasionally. I believe I need to "feel" more than anything. I cannot "think" my way out of the addiction. At this point, I need to lead with "feeling". How can I recover without allowing myself to feel, when the essence of my addiction is avoiding feelings? That makes no sense at all. Johannes, I am sure you will be reading my post. And I do "feel" your support. I know in my heart, and I think that you do too, that what has been missing from my recovery effort is what also has been missing from yours.
You can continue to attempt to fool yourself (as I have) that we can make major steps in recovery, but we are really in a "revolving door", maybe with some progress but not the major steps we need to take and therefore not long-lasting. Our good and logical brains will not get us out of this "fine mess" (isn't that a Laurel and Hardy expression) that we have gotten ourselves into. Experiencing our feelings must be there. Case closed. I have talked the talk, its time to walk the walk.
I have no idea if believe in 12 steps or not; it is not relevant at this point. If I went to a 12 step meeting, my sole purpose would be to "feel". To feel the pain of others, to feel my pain.
CL
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Post by witness on Nov 30, 2007 16:14:35 GMT -5
Sorry to hear about the rough times. I know you will not give up. Learn from this and move on. The 12 step group sounds like a good idea.
Have you done the free course at Recovery Nation?
God bless you! This wave will pass and you will feel better. Just take it one day at a time. You have done it before and can do it again!!
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Post by Johannes on Nov 30, 2007 22:00:05 GMT -5
A board gem, of course.
cl,
You have no idea how much your journal entry here is helping me right now--helping me get that energy to write in my journal, instead of moving into procrastination, and ultimately acting out mode.
And yeah, I deeply admire new Ian (he'll always be that for me ;D ;D) for how much he is in touch with his emotional life.
I am glad you were able to start telling your therapist about what it feels like to act out--it is so difficult for me to speak about these things. I think it's not just shame that makes it difficult. But something in me wants to somehow deny the reality--I mean the real reality, not just the fact, "I went to a massage parlor" or what--of these encounters. There is so much *sadness* in these encounters, for both sides.
You know, in Boston I regularly went to a noon-time 12 step meeting--it was the honest sharing and caring atmosphere in the room that I found so very healing. Could you find an SLAA meeting during the day? They're often just an hour long, and often not so "step heavy." I'd guess that where you live, you could relatively easily find a noon meeting.
My good thoughts are with you, my friend.
Johannes
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Post by sandpaper on Nov 30, 2007 23:31:21 GMT -5
Hi CL,
I'm right there with you on that one, CL. I wish you the best in your efforts.
SP
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