Backstabbers war journal

[backstabber]

Ok, so after a year of fighting, I've managed to push off the addiction to a 7-10 days of clearness. No more then that. Actually there was this one time I managed 20 or so days, and I was trying to pair up with this girl (never had a girl before) but she blew me off, so i went back to my old self. Idiot.

As far as I've figured out, I need to stop it once and for all. I am aware of the cycles that are waiting for me on the road, but that which does not kill you makes you stronger right?

So, this time, I'm going for the 40 day war.


This is day 0. Huh, funny thing. I feel like a 0.

To thy weapons!

[eljefemaz]

Welcome, 'stabber:

I wish you a successful campaign. Maintain a high state of alert, and you will have a 40 day victory.

-EJ

[backstabber]

Thanks a lot for the support eljefemaz! I think that it is the key for a 40 day victory!

Anyway, here are my 40 day rules:

1.) No p

Modified the rules. This is me: I get all warmed up when I need to do something, and then i quit. I'm a quitter, not nearly a fighter.

So this is my main and only rule.

[fragile]

Wow.. you've got yourself quite a boot camp there, stabber
Sounds like a good plan full of discipline!

Best of luck to you. See you at the 40 day victory lane, in 40 days!

[tomlincolnsixecho]

Wowzers...Radical.......some tough rules, I personally wouldn't set such high rules, because I know that they would be there to be broken. I'm with you, My best effort is not even 30 days, I would love to see a better effort, like you I get to the same length then fail.

In the past Ive said no TV it never works. And for me I've gone to the drastic step of denying myself of the internet, by putting my cable in a box, wrapped up in a note explaining problems with taking the cable and what it may lead to. It worked for a while, and A couple of times, I went to use the internet like an idiot forgetting the cable was gone, two times, I got to the box, and read the letter and didn't take the cable, so it does work. However I broke all the rules and said F*** it, didn't care about the letter and then downloaded P.

I believe saying no is the only way, taking the strength to deny the urges, if you find out how, let me know, I'd love to know. I like the no reading magazines, they are a major source of my slips.

One thing you haven't mentioned is conversations. I tell you I was doing well, staying away from magazines and even looking at women. At work someone mentioned One single thing, it wasn't even something I was interested in and I got so worked up about it I couldn't get it out of my head. I then had a massive binge. I've learnt to stay away from those who speak about porn and vulgar conversations. I also make sure I don't ever talk about those things. They lead to bigger things. Ive slipped heaps of times from that.

Keep up the work, hope you do well.

[backstabber]

fragile:

Yeah, it's like a boot camp, but worse. There is no one to punish you if you break the rules.

The reason I put those rules is because this is how I failed 1 000 000 times earlier:

I'd watch p, then delete it, and say no more p. Then I'd play video games, watch TV, cruise around the internet, read books and magazines, go out, etc. By the time I'm day 10, I forget how bad it was when I was under the influence of p, and slip. So I thought if I really make an effort and suffer a little this time, maybe I won't forget.

Thanks a lot for your kind comment, I really appreciate it!


tomlincolnsixecho:

Wowzers...Radical.......some tough rules, I personally wouldn't set such high rules, because I know that they would be there to be broken. I'm with you, My best effort is not even 30 days, I would love to see a better effort, like you I get to the same length then fail.

It is like a magic ring. I know I feel much better when I'm day 10 and higher, so when I do p, and after I spend my time on entertainment just to shorten my days and reach day 10. Of course, when I do reach day 10 or higher, I think: "Well maybe this time I won't get hooked again" or I don't think at all and just get back to p again, and so on ...

In the past Ive said no TV it never works. And for me I've gone to the drastic step of denying myself of the internet, by putting my cable in a box, wrapped up in a note explaining problems with taking the cable and what it may lead to. It worked for a while, and A couple of times, I went to use the internet like an idiot forgetting the cable was gone, two times, I got to the box, and read the letter and didn't take the cable, so it does work. However I broke all the rules and said F*** it, didn't care about the letter and downloaded P.

Don't even make me go there. You know, I had like this huge collection of p. And then I think, I'll do p one more time and throw it all in the garbage. And I do it. 10 days after, there I am taking more p from a friend. So I dump that too, and think OK I've got slow internet speed, and I'm not gonna ask my friend for p anymore because he will ask what happened to my collection, so no more p sources. Next week there I am with my 3.5kb/s internet connection downloading p for several days! OK then I removed my computer from the room, and put it into my sisters room. A bad idea, because the whole family asked me why do I take her computer once in a week and then take it back. The data recovery software I used a billion times to get my deleted p back. Plus now, I've got a much faster internet connection, so I put a p blocking software, and forgot the password to it. That worked for a while, until I remembered that I have two operating systems and that Linux is p-ready.

Truly a disaster...

I believe saying no is the only way, taking the strength to deny the urges, if you find out how, let me know, I'd love to know. I like the no reading magazines, they are a major source of my slips.

Unfortunately you are right, the only thing that can make us stop is us. Deny the bloody urges.

This is what I think: the need for p will shrink, I am absolutely sure about that. We just need to go through the toughest part, which is within these 40 days. Within these 40 days I really don't need anything to get me excited. Especially TV and magazines.

One thing you haven't mentioned is conversations. I tell you I was doing well, staying away from magazines and even looking at women. At work someone mentioned One single thing, it wasn't even something I was interested in and I got so worked up about it I couldn't get it out of my head. I then had a massive binge. I've learnt to stay away from those who speak about porn and vulgar conversations. I also make sure I don't ever talk about those things. They lead to bigger things. Ive slipped heaps of times from that.

I have the same problem. I believe we all do. Just stay away from that sort of conversation and people that would get you into that kind of a conversation. At least for a while. For example, if we talk to our family members, these things would not happen. I've even noticed, that when with them, and talking with them, I have a problem thinking about p or s. It makes me ashamed.

Keep up the work, hope you do well.

Thanks man! We gotta fight this thing. People do not realize how big problem this is.



Anyway DAY 1 / 40:

It has been difficult. I had really high urges today to do p, but I kept think how I will make an idiot of myself and have to post here that I slipped. That helped me a lot. Plus, I thought a lot about my life and how p effected my surroundings. I thought about, how great it will be when I reach day 40. These thoughts helped me go through day 1.

Spent the whole day in my room, thinking and studying. At one point I got really sleepy because of the effects of p, mb to be more precise. So I couldn't fight it, I've slept for an hour.
Thats a shame but the rule is still there. Tomorrow no sleep!
I also broke the rule no music. I had this insane thoughts in my head, so I thought I'd relax a little. It helped for a while.

Conclusion: I broke 2 rules in day one. This does not look promising, but the main rule is still there. For as long as I do not brake rule 1, I'll be alright.

[backstabber]

DAY 2 / 40:

Today was bad. I had really high urges, I can't seem to shake off the sickness in my head. I am too weak. I don't need TV or any of that listed crap for my mind to play evil. I broke almost all the rules today: played with computer, listened to music, slept during the day ... I did add these rules not just to shake of my soul illness but to get my lazy as up and working. I failed miserably. But the rules are still there, I know that some day soon I will be able to shake off the p and that I will be able to live by the rules I set for myself.

Anyway I got really depressed when I got home from school today, I was sitting and thinking what the hell am I supposed to do now? Everything is boring to me, I have no real passions in life except for p. I took a nap to kill some time, and then I sat down on computer and cruised around the internet. I also played a video game. From the previous experiences I know that I'm supposed to wait some time for the need to fade away a little, and thats the time that I'm really useful. I can study, do the repairs around the house, go anywhere, etc. I am much less nervous then, and I can control myself much easier. When the need for p fades away I can concentrate, which I can't right now. My thoughts seem to drift away, not necessarily towards p, but I can't seem to stay focused.

It is all my fault I got myself in this in the first place. I know I'm not a sexual maniac, and I know that I am better that this filth.

I managed to go through day two, and now as I look at it, it was worth it!

[addict70]

Decide to be strong today man! You and I both can do this. Keep your weapons sharp and you're mind frosty because the beast comes strong out of nowhere when least expected, but we, ever vigilant can repell that monster every time as long as we choose to do so. We're brothers in arms you and I and all of us, and we're not here to fall, we're here to gain victory.

Others have done it and we can do it too. We're all behind you bro.

[backstabber]

Thanks a lot, your words have a strong impact on my will to sustain in my struggle.

[backstabber]

DAY 3 / 40:

Actually it's not over yet, but since I'm going out, I'll be unable to view any p material.

Today was really tough. I almost slipped a few times, but now I feel OK. I've been sitting at my computer the whole damn day, and it makes me sick. I was a bit depressed and didn't know what to do, so I just killed some time. It worked for today. Tomorrow I really need to work hard, I have this test coming on in a few days, and since I screwed up the first test, this one must be done properly.

Weekends are always tough, being at home and resting. Plus since I'm going out tonight I will surely see lots of women. But I've said it to myself and I'll say it here again: I will not take even a glance upon them. This is very important.


OK, one more day sober. Getting ready for another one.

[addict70]

Congrats on day 3. Keep fighting the good fight. We will succeed!

Dont forget to have fun tonight. ;D

[anew]

Congratulations on day three.

Stay focused and ensure you are ready for all tests that come your way - both in the academic one you are preparing for and any others that may come your way in your struggle.

I'm not sure I really know what to say to support you - I just want you to know that I'll be watching your endeavours with interest here and hoping for your success.

You can achieve this!

[backstabber]

I've (expletive)ed it up again.

Thanks for the support guys, but I'm such a weakling. I'm in no mood to say anything right now, it's pointless.

Let this be a lesson to you. The mood I'm in right now ... I've felt better when I was depressed.

I'll try again. And this time, no breaking even ONE of the rules listed above ...

Day 0.

[backstabber]

Day 1 / 40:

I haven't had any urges to do p again. I'm still under the influence of yesterdays slip.
I got out early and went to classes like I do normally.

As I've said before I have noticed that after using p, my brain functions differently. For example, I can't seem to keep my attention on anything but fantasizing (not necesarily about p), and I can't sit on my chair for 5 minutes. One minute I'm reading the next I'm going to the toilet, then I grab something to eat, then I take the newspapers, then I take the phone ... I can't seem to relax. I also feel sleepy.

The other thing that I have noticed is that I have almost no energy to do anything. For example, I play soccer once a week. When I was making pauses with p, I was able to run more and I had a much better coordination and balance.

I also have a shorter memory when I'm using p, so studying is a lot difficult.

I have an article somewhere about the effect of various drugs upon the brain, and which part of the brain in particular. The funny thing is that p does what any other drug does like cocaine, marijuana, heroin, ... but to a lesser extent, and i hope with only temporary effect. I'll have to look for that article, translate it and post it here. It was short, but nevertheless.

Thanks a lot to Addict70 for PM me today, your message really helped me today. I really appreciate your support.

I'll just keep on going, there is no other way ...

[backstabber]

2 / 40:

Day 2 was yesterday actually, but I could not post. I was hoping to post in the evening, but a friend came by, and then we went to another friends birthday party. I came home late and just went to bed.

It was a little more difficult yesterday. I kept getting images in my head. I was busy the whole day, so I managed to control myself. It's been easy to control for these two days, the hard day's are still to come.

Keeping busy is a key to success, but it will be hard with the holidays and all. I guess I'll be posting and reading here a little more then usual in a couple of days.

Oh and I almost forgot: a friend asked me to download some p for him a few days ago. I told him to send me the link, I wasn't gonna search for it by myself. But thinking about it, I would probably download it and slip and I'm not gonna let that happen, not his time. So I blew him off. He is a really good friend, but I really need to beat this. Besides, I think he needs some help regarding p also. I feel bad for telling him where to find it ... I have to figure out how to help him. But 'm not gonna be able to help him, if I'm not gonna help myself first. So there is another reason not to slip.

I'm in day 3 now, but it's still morning. I'll report in the evening.