backstabber
Junior Member
The man with no plan
Posts: 51
|
Post by backstabber on Dec 19, 2007 19:10:51 GMT -5
3 / 40:
Been siting on my computer all day. Played Half Life 2, downloaded some music videos, movies etc. Basically I was doing whatever I can not to think about my current situation. In the evening I was a bit depressed. That usually happens when a stroke of reality hits me. I become suddenly aware of the (expletive) I'm surrounded with. Been trying to control myself, and saying to myself all is not lost. I need to work on my addiction primarily, and then I can start changing my habits. And I need to REMEMBER this! A few times I managed to control myself and forget about p, but then something bad happens and I'm back on the same road. This time, whatever happens I must not resort to p.
Anyway, I'm late again. Technically since it is 1 o'clock in the morning, this is day 4. Got to keep pushing.
Still here...
|
|
backstabber
Junior Member
The man with no plan
Posts: 51
|
Post by backstabber on Dec 20, 2007 14:46:08 GMT -5
4 / 40:
I'm not in a mood to write anything. I made it through the day, no problem. Had some images in my head, but managed to overcome.
I'm starting to think that there is no such thing like p addiction. It's all about our choices, and I chose to use p. Every single time I could have controlled myself, but I chose not to. This thing about struggle with p is also bull(expletive). Either you use it or you do not use it, there is no struggle. Either you say to yourself that you are done with it, or you continue using it.
Been thinking about stopping this journal thing, but maybe not. It is pointless, I just write a lot of crap here. If there are people reading this here, STOP READING NOW. You ain't gonna read anything clever. Anyway, I'll stick around for the 40 days period probably, because I am famous with my "starting but never finishing tasks".
I'm gonna go take a bath and go to sleep. I'm tired. Another day another hope.
|
|
anew
Junior Member
"We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act but a habit." - Aristotle
Posts: 80
|
Post by anew on Dec 21, 2007 4:19:06 GMT -5
Hey stabber.
What you said about choice really hit home with me - I feel PA is real, however I don't believe it truly has the pull of an addictive substance. It's all about choice - do or do not, there is no try. This doesn't mean if someone falls that's it - it just means that in a certain moment they had a choice to act out and took it.
Anyways, I encourage you to keep posting everyday for 40 days - don't stop the journal thing. I agree it feels fairly pointless to type out an entry for the sake of it, but I really thinks it helps.
Anyways, good night. I'll keep reading.
|
|
backstabber
Junior Member
The man with no plan
Posts: 51
|
Post by backstabber on Dec 21, 2007 20:01:45 GMT -5
As far as I'm concerned I'm 100% sure that either p or mb or combined have addictive effects. I know what the side effects are, and I know that these are the same as taking some drugs, but not as great. Of course this apples strictly to me. The moods that I go through while trying to get off p are also signs of addiction.
Thanks a lot for your encouragement, I appreciate it.
Day 5 / 40:
Today was tough. I had some crazy thoughts regarding p, and I really felt bad. I woke up really early, and sit through all the classes, which was incredibly tough today. I couldn't keep track of what was said, but the important thing is that I was there. I was tired the whole day and I wanted to take a nap, but couldn't. Went out for a drink with two friends, which ended spectacular. A good friend was attacked by a nice looking female, which I'm really glad for. I left him at the club after a few beers, I hope he managed to do something.
Anyway, I felt a little depressed at times today, but it's all normal for me. At this stadium, I always get depressed. I hope it will pass, if not, what the hell I'm gonna have to learn living with it. I remember a man who painted my house saying to me, without me even mentioning depression (at the time, I never even had one): "One thing you must know about depression. It always goes away". So I keep that in my head at all times. I'm not suicidal or anything, it's just that sometimes I feel everything is pointless. Which is not true.
Anyway I got really excited because a girl I kinda like, and she kinda likes me, called me today to come to her birthday party tomorrow. She called although I haven't heard from her in a while. The last time I talked to her was by SMS, I asked her to go out with me and she said she was tired, which I interpreted as an rejection. I haven't called or talked to her since, and it's been a while. She barely knows me, and it's not gonna be a big party, a few people really, so I'm glad she called me. I'm gonna try something here, it's about time. Maybe not at the party, but in the future definitely.
Come to think of the whole situation, I don't care if I manage to do something or not, I just want to know where I'm standing. It's not like I'm in love with her or anything, it's more like: "a$$hole you are 23 years old, it's about time to get a girlfriend". But I definitly feel more relaxed then usual about this. All the other times I was really nervous about talking to a girl, I would screw it up even if the girl liked me prior to talking to me. This time, I don't have a need for a girlfriend as I did before, so I'm more secure in myself. I fell really good about that. And if I might add, its about freaking time!
Ok, thats about it ... Good night.
|
|
backstabber
Junior Member
The man with no plan
Posts: 51
|
Post by backstabber on Dec 22, 2007 14:14:55 GMT -5
6 / 40:
For all of you normal persons reading this out there, skip this. I'm just whining here.
Today I feel strange. I've been thinking about me not being able to control myself, is the same as a murderer or a pedophile not being able to control themselves. I'm a monster! A man who can't control his actions is a monster. After all that which separates us from the animals is reason. And I lost that a long time ago ... I've also been thinking a lot about God. A million times I'd pray for forgiveness and than get back to my old vice. I know it now, I'm definitely going to hell, and this makes me uneasy. I'm a liar and I can't keep my word, not even to God! I'm the as low as a person can get. What the hell I'm I supposed to do now!?
Anyway, I haven't had any urges today. I still feel guilty for the last time I went down. It tears me apart. I've missed so many chances on purpose and when I think of all the people that did not have as many as I did, I really feel bad.
Tonight, I'm going to see that girl I wrote about earlier. I don't feel like going. I feel nervous in a crowd. I guess I'll just keep my mouth shut, smile and have something to drink to get a bit more relaxed. It can't get THAT wrong. I don't even know what I'm nervous about. Its not like a dig her or anything. It more like an unreasonable unexplainable fear.
Hope I'll get a mood boost soon. I really feel like (expletive). Hope this will teach me not do p again! Ever. I ain't going through this again. I used more shots than I had, enough is enough.
|
|
|
Post by ingodwetrust on Dec 22, 2007 14:21:46 GMT -5
hi My personal experience is that you CANNOT beat PA but just counting the days and saying NO. You must go deeper into the issue and then you can expect the change to happen. your body doesnt need P or MB but your brain does and there is the problem you need to solve. I recommend www.recoverynation.com After those 90 days you will have solid ground to begin with.good luck.
|
|
backstabber
Junior Member
The man with no plan
Posts: 51
|
Post by backstabber on Dec 22, 2007 14:40:32 GMT -5
Thanks for the link, but I won't even bother reading it for now. This time I know what the problem is. It's me, not p. It's me not being able to control myself. It's me not saying no to p forever. I ain't even thinking about the day that I'm clean of p, when I log in I see it. I don't care. I need to fix my errors, there is no more time to waste.
As I've said before, reading won't help a bit. Every person needs to sort it out with himself, and then it's all over.
Thanks for you concern, and time!
|
|
|
Post by ingodwetrust on Dec 22, 2007 14:42:02 GMT -5
sure thign buddy, good luck!
p.s I agree that you need to look inside:)
|
|
backstabber
Junior Member
The man with no plan
Posts: 51
|
Post by backstabber on Dec 23, 2007 13:17:59 GMT -5
7 / 40:
Today was a good day. I managed to block my thoughts instantly when p comes to mind. I just switch to "remember what you did boy!" thoughts, and it all goes away.
Yesterday was great. I went to that friends birthday party, but was mainly just sitting there alone and drinking some beers. I couldn't help but sit there and ponder about my actions and the things I need to do. Later, she asked me if I would go to her home and continue partying there, with some of her friends, but since I was not in a mood for that I just said I'll go home. I don't feel interested in her that much, in fact I don't feel interested in females at all these 7 days. Depression might have something to do with it, but I think that the guilt that I feel is the one to blame. Thank God for that! No need for women, no need for p. Success!
EDIT: Just a quick thought. I've realized the moment that I have said or wrote something, my mind changes. So I might write I don't feel like doing this or that, and the next minute a totally different situation. That makes me think what I'm I actually writing in here? It just shows the mood that I was in at the time of writing it. It's like writing in the sand.
Anyway, I'll keep coming here until day 40, but I think I will write shorter posts. Nothing to share with ya really.
|
|
backstabber
Junior Member
The man with no plan
Posts: 51
|
Post by backstabber on Dec 24, 2007 16:47:58 GMT -5
8 / 40:
Everything is good. With the holidays and all, I haven't really been stressed out, so I have almost none desire to do p. However I need to start studying for my exams pronto. I've massed up my previous exams a lot, so this is a must. I guess when I start studying, that my desire will increase. But this time I will control it. I have to, this is my last chance ...
Anyway, I think I will get back to my old rules. It is better that way, I was working a lot harder and I felt better. These 8 days I've been doing nothing. I hope in a few days I will be able to control myself and start working.
That is all.
EDIT: I guess I'll have to move to a new board. I'll think about it...
|
|
backstabber
Junior Member
The man with no plan
Posts: 51
|
Post by backstabber on Dec 25, 2007 15:56:13 GMT -5
9 / 40:
Depression strikes again. I swear it has something to do with p. Every time I get off of it I suddenly realize I was like in a sleep for all the time I was under the effects of p. Time goes by so slowly now. I can't seem to calm down. I'm nervous the whole day, I can't do anything properly. Sit, I hope in a few days I'll be back to normal, I really need to work hard.
I had some p related images in my mind today, but I blocked them instantly. I have to, otherwise I know where it will lead to. I can't even think about girls in that way if I want to succeed. I don't know whats happening to me. Everything becomes boring. I seem to overdose myself with information, and at some point I just get tired of it. I can't sit down calmly and watch the entire movie for example. The calmness I had before I slipped the last time has gone forever. I hope this is just temporarily...
|
|
backstabber
Junior Member
The man with no plan
Posts: 51
|
Post by backstabber on Dec 26, 2007 17:51:35 GMT -5
10 / 40:
OK, I'm still here. Still not doing anything, BUT I'm off the p. Thats something right?
I've been finding difficult to get up early these few days, I feel tired and uninterested in anything but sleep. Hope it goes away. The good thing is that I think that this time I really said goodbye to p for good. I don't feel almost any desire to get back to p, and if I do I remember instantly that I'm over with that. That was in another life, I'm a new man now. Hope it lasts ...
I've been thinking a lot about hell lately, and I wondered how it must like. I'm frightened of it, I'm sure I'm going there if I continue with my way of life. I need to change pronto. I don't wanna go to hell. Yea, I did deserve it, but if there is no salvation for me, then there is no reason for me to live is there? I promised myself after the 40 days, I'll go and see a priest, tell him all about my misdeeds, and see if I can get a forgiveness.
I have a lot more work to do, p was just one of my faults, but I think that it was the major one. All the others came from it. I found this out with my earlier no p tryouts.
Anyway, here I am still (expletive)in'. This journal isn't meant to be read by anyone, so if someone is reading this, he must know that I am utterly insane, that I complain about things all the time, and that this is not the thing you should be reading. You should be reading something more cheerful, like a story, a nice story with animals and dragons and knights that fight dragons and that sort of (expletive), not this whining crap. So (expletive) off thee to a happier story. Go on, git!
Over and out.
|
|
wamu
New Member
Posts: 26
|
Post by wamu on Dec 26, 2007 18:09:32 GMT -5
StaBBer...this is one of my fav journals. keep it up. i like to complain too. i used to get together w/some buddies and we would literally spend 6 hrs complaining about crap. the next day we would do the whole thing over again complaining about the same dang crap. anyway that can be some cleansing crap to do so keep it up.
|
|
backstabber
Junior Member
The man with no plan
Posts: 51
|
Post by backstabber on Dec 27, 2007 15:02:31 GMT -5
I'm sure you can find better things to do than read my crappy journal, so nice of you to post! Yeah, I complain all the time. It's in my blood. Some would say that I don't have enough courage or self esteem and I agree with that. I have no spirit, no motivation. Gotta fight it somehow, I just haven't figured it out. Hope I'll learn to keep my damn mouth shut, I look smarter that way... 11 / 40: It's coming back to me. I HAD thought of p today. I mean it ran through my head a few times. Looks like I'm not off of it like I thought. So typical of me. I get worked up for nothing all the time. My shortsightedness is proved once again, I can't even imagine how I'll feel tomorrow. I guess the real fight begins today. This is what I figured so far: When I first started to control my p urges a year ago, I was using p several times on a daily basis. There was no way in hell I would live a day and not use p. So I tried controlling myself. I can't remember what exactly made me do this, but I think it was thinking about my life and all the bad things I've done, about my soul and God and things like that. I guess that was that. So I managed to control myself for a few days, can't remember how much. Boy, that was hard! To go through say 1 to 2, or 2 to 3 was so hard I remember it today. I literaly did not know what to do. Sat down all day, doing push ups. When I felt a really bad urge I would instantly go and take a swim at the city pool. I would go for a walk, or go talk to some of my family members. It was so hard. This fight today is nothing comparing to that one. But I was really determened back then. So anyway, that was the beginning. Later I could do 4 days easily no problem, everything above was a problem. Then 7 days, now 10 days ... so as I see it, I've been decreasing the dosages of p that I was taking. I guess that if I fail at day 20 or so a few times, I could make my p addiction rise at days after day 20. BUT, thats a real big but, every time I forget how hard it is to get to day 10 for example. It gets really hard after day 10, but it takes a lot of fight to get to day 10 also. Plus, earlier I would feel really great if I stayed off porn for lets say 7 to 9 days, and now day 11 and I still feel like (expletive). Gotta go all the way this time. Yesterday I felt like no p urge will ever come to me again, today I know it ain't so. It will increase in a few days. I wonder when will it be on it's max. I'll write it right here, although I'm not that interested anymore. This info would come in handy if I fail again, and I'm not gonna do that again. I ain't going trough this hell again for a few seconds of pleasure. It ain't worth it. But here I am with my looser mentality again: "I might fail bla bla bla...". Get it into your stupid head idiot, you ain't gonna fail if you don't want to. Nobody can make you fail, you can only do it or not. Just don't do it!
Thats all I have to say for today. See ya tomorrow.
|
|
backstabber
Junior Member
The man with no plan
Posts: 51
|
Post by backstabber on Dec 28, 2007 15:51:40 GMT -5
12 / 40:
A hard day. Started by me getting all horny at 1 o'clock in the morning! How about that? I wasn't gonna slip, but it shook me really hard. The whole day I was getting those damn p attacks. Suddenly I would get nervous and really really horny. At least I know it is still there. From my previous experiences I know that the rush will go away in time, I just need to control myself. And I will. I don't care how hard it gets, this time I ain't doing it.
Besides this, day has been quite good. I feel a lot better now. I got up easily, which I'm not capable of when using p (say what you want I know how it effects me). That is a good sign, I can finally get my lazy ass to work. Starting tomorrow no more bull(expletive). In a few days I'll be getting my old rules back. These are a MUST if I mean to fix the error in my ways. I figured since I'm changing this nasty habit, I should throw in a new good habit, and that is work. I'll just do anything. No more spending time by the TV or the damn computer. No more reading newspapers and things like that. Maybe when I need to take a break, but not during the day. I'll figure out what rules I need, I just need to DO something for a change. And if I get to tired or to angry or stressed out or whatever, well then I need to think of something that will relax me. Maybe some nice music? Reading the Bible also relaxes me a lot, helped me through some really tough moments. I think that I would have gone crazy for sure if I haven't relaxed with it. But the main thing is to take it easy. These are the thing I need to gradually and slowly. A sudden change can take me down easily.
Anyways, I thought I would mention that I'm not moving to another board for now. The main reason is that I don't really care if anyone reads this, the lesser the better. I also don't care if these ramblings of a lunatic get deleted. I am however gonna do my 40 days journal thing, and if this gets deleted before then, only then I will move to the new board. The reason is simple: unfortunatly I know that my wrightings or someone reading this wont help a person. A person needs to do it by himself. A person uses p and mb's by itself and needs to control itself. I cannot help in this. I can give support, but when the time comes every person needs not to do it. Thats the whole magic. Very simple, no philosophy. No fight no struggle. Nobody forces anyone to do it. But a person can force itself not to do it. Just don't do it!
Thats about it for today. Good day.
|
|