backstabber
Junior Member
The man with no plan
Posts: 51
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Post by backstabber on Dec 29, 2007 14:51:04 GMT -5
13 / 40:
So horny all day. Otherwise I feel great. When I'm not on my own in my room, sitting and thinking, I feel great. I have so much power and energy. These 13 days of hell have finally paid off!
I don't have time to write a lot right now, so that's it for today.
See ya tomorrow.
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backstabber
Junior Member
The man with no plan
Posts: 51
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Post by backstabber on Dec 30, 2007 17:45:33 GMT -5
14 / 40:
Getting ready for the new years eve. Gonna go to my buddy's place, have a few drinks and then maybe go out in a bar or something. I don't care actually, the main plan is not to be alone and have a few drinks.
P crossed my mind a few times today. I've been weak. I shouldn't let myself think of it I know, but these few days such little things turn me on. I can't watch the TV, it makes me uneasy. Boredom strikes again. I don't know what to do the whole day. It's very cold outside, but if I had somewhere to go I would. I just don't know where.
If I could just make myself sit down and start studying. But I can't and the time is running out. I get depressed and find it really hard to sit down the whole day and study. Normally I don't have problems with reading texts, I read anything just to take my mind off of reality. But when it comes to studying some stuff just so I can repeat it to someone so that he knows I know it, that's really not making things easier. I like doing something practical, not sitting and learning the damn book sentence by sentence. BORING!
Anyways, still not doing anything useful, still sitting around the whole day monkeying around. Been telling to myself it's the holidays, but I'm not really sure if I should really be doing absolutely nothing. Gotta keep myself going though. No p is the main goal. Hope I will start doing something useful soon.
Over and out.
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jackson
New Member
only today
Posts: 31
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Post by jackson on Dec 31, 2007 2:17:07 GMT -5
wow backstabber, just read your entries and i relate alot to your struggles. but please dont give up. in fact i believe the only to give up is too keep giving up. no matter how many times you fall, get up and start over again. you will find your answers!
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backstabber
Junior Member
The man with no plan
Posts: 51
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Post by backstabber on Jan 1, 2008 12:20:55 GMT -5
Thanks for the support jackson! I often think I know what the answer to my p addiction is, but it all goes away when I'm tempted. I'm trying the only thing I can so I hope it works. Day 15 / 40: I wasn't able to report yesterday. I didn't want to. I've had these p related dreams for a couple of nights now. These dreams involve me watching p and not me being part of a p scene. What does this tell me? It tells me that I like watching p more than taking part in sex. Is this normal? No! But it kinda tells me I'm not that big a pervert. If I could just get those damn thoughts out of my head once and for all! By reading other journals I saw that this never goes away. I will probably be tempted my whole life to p. But these temptations will increase and decrease. If I could remember that when I'm really really tempted, that it will decrease and go away, this would be much easier. I remember when I controlled myself for 2 weeks or even more once, and I woke up one day, I was NEVER in my life feeling so horny as I did that day. I couldn't see through the entire class without swinging my legs, couldn't keep my mind on anything. I just got horny by looking at anything that even resembles a woman. I fell that day. It was sad. I was sad. But that was the hardest time I had, EVER. If it happens again, what the hell I'm I supposed to do? Have a could shower? Jump in a river and take a swim? What if it does go away but it comes back tomorrow, and the next day and the day after that? I'm I really sure it will decrease? (expletive), I hope so. Anyway, I'm gonna find out this time. I'm gonna beat this whatever it takes. I don't care how horny I get, I'll rather bang my head to the wall then fail. There is another thing I notices while trying to quit using p. Every time I fail and try again, it gets harder. I really think I could have it so much better if I managed to get off p the first time I tried. Every time I slip I feel I'm loosing control over my actions. Makes me feel like an animal. I feel like I'm going crazy every time I try to quit. There are these few days after depression that make feel like I'm going totally crazy. I can't explain the feeling but I know it. This might not be common for other p addicts, but it does happen to me. I can't relax at all, I have mood swings, don't know what to do, crazy crazy thoughts all the time. I managed to keep sane by reading the Bible. There is some kind of goodness that shines out of it, it makes me feel better every time, makes me totaly calm. It is a shame I wasn't fateful to its words, although it helped me every single time I felt I was going nuts. Damn p. The cursed thing should be banned just like any drug. Thats it for yesterday. I'll be back in a few hours to write about today.
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backstabber
Junior Member
The man with no plan
Posts: 51
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Post by backstabber on Jan 1, 2008 17:50:26 GMT -5
Day 16 / 40:
Still kicking. Been very difficult today. P crossed through my mind the whole day, but I kept blocking it. It worked, it has to. It's difficult, but I know I wont fail unless some mystic power takes direct control over my functions and makes me watch p and mb.
When I got really horny, I got out shoveled snow. Felt really good to be doing something useful. Gonna finish the work tomorrow definitely.
Gotta keep myself busy. I'll start studying tomorrow, plus there are quite a few chores I have to finish around the house. So thats the plan.
I lived to fight another day! Mmmm the smell of freedom! Me like!
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backstabber
Junior Member
The man with no plan
Posts: 51
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Post by backstabber on Jan 2, 2008 16:02:38 GMT -5
Day 17 / 40:
Bull(expletive)! Did not do anything useful the whole day. Just sat around. I've got the urge more then ever. Been thinking about slipping, but no way. The next time I slip I'll go insane I know it. Gotta go all the way this time.
I really feel better when I do not have p on my mind. The main thing that I like about my current state is that I do not feel ashamed of myself. I feel really braver, I feel I'm ready to do something useful, I just can't trigger it.
What next, what next? I don't know. P thoughts torture me the whole day, I can't seem to control my thoughts. Thats why I try reading, watching movies, cruising around the internet, basically anything to keep my ming off of p. If I'm not doing anything I'm thinking about p, simple as that. How do I get it out of my head!?
Can't say I didn't deserve this torture. I showed no control of my urges in my life, maybe this is a test. Hey dumbass, you had fun, did what you wanted to, now show some control or burn in hell. Tell you what, if hell is anything near this then, then I'm (expletive)ed up totally. I ain't gonna do no p or mb, I'll tell you that, but what I'm I gonna do? I'll screw everything else up. Can't sit down and study, too much of a temptation.
I'm a weakling for sure. But I'm gonna push this to the limit. Either I get rid of it, or I die trying. I deserved it. I deserved I lot worse then this.
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backstabber
Junior Member
The man with no plan
Posts: 51
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Post by backstabber on Jan 3, 2008 20:13:28 GMT -5
Day 18 / 40:
Day 18. Very hard. Decided to get back to my old rules:
2.) No TV
3.) No Computer
4.) No literature other then collage books
It's about time to start doing something useful. I'm not sure I'll be checking in here daily, but I'll come here from time to time if the board is still here. I'll also think about registering on a new board. Who knows, maybe my words can help another tormented soul?
Anyway I've got a lot of thinking to do, and I need these rules to clean up the mess that I currently have in my head. I've got little time to waste, got to get to work immediately. I'm not sure I will accomplish to pass all of my exams, if any, but I gotta try. I'll just work hard and if I fail, at least I tried.
Ok, thats the plan. See ya!
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backstabber
Junior Member
The man with no plan
Posts: 51
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Post by backstabber on Jan 4, 2008 18:12:46 GMT -5
Day 19 / 40:
Followed no rules today. Almost slipped. Thought about the 19 days I would have wasted, thought about how good I feel and how good people feel around me. Thought a little about everything, about getting back to my old self. It worked. For now.
I just turned off the lights, got all excited and typed in a p address. But I couldn't. I can't go through the depression again, I can't bear the guilt. Enough is enough. I closed the browser before it was too late.
(expletive), that was a close one. I can't believe I'm such an idiot.
I AIN'T DOING IT!
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backstabber
Junior Member
The man with no plan
Posts: 51
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Post by backstabber on Jan 5, 2008 9:09:19 GMT -5
Day 0 / eternity:
I fell again.
I'm supposed to learn something from this, but I didn't. A damn shame. 20 days of control, 20 days of planing, weeping and lying to myself. I can't control it. What next?
I'm starting all over again. I just have to figure out what to do when it gets critical like it has been these last couple of days. I guess control is the only answer.
It's gonna be tough this time. The last time was really really hard, I guess this time must be worse. I wonder if I had made it to day 30, would the heat go away. By reading other peoples journals I think not, so does this mean I'm in for a lifetime of p control or what?
OK, all is not lost. After I fall once, I know that there is a second wave coming in. I hope I'll manage to control at least that.
And I was thinking, if I'm in for a lifetime of control, sitting down and studying would be impossible for me. Should I get a job and quit collage or what? I noticed that while doing something physical the urge goes away.
I'll be checking in here tomorrow. Gotta keep trying.
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