MapleStaple's Journal

[maplestaple]

I've been battling with a pornography addiction for the past 5+ years. In the past 8 months or so I have come to the conclusion that the things I love best about life are being directly affected by this addiction. Most recently, I have come to the realization that in order to achieve my full potential as a person, I must first begin by learning to control this addiction. So, for the past few weeks I have been making earnest efforts to control this addiction, but with little success, which is what brings me here. I am hoping that the openness and feedback of this journal will encourage me to act properly.

In my personal efforts to get rid of this addiction, I have tried to focus my efforts on things I am passionate about. I'm a student, in the middle of an environmental studies degree, and would consider myself an accomplished musician and songwriter. I don't think my porn addiction has kept me from making great achievements as a student or musician, but I hate to say that there are often days when I spend as much time searching for and watching porn, as I do studying or playing music. This is why I believe this problem needs to be tackled. If I could eliminate this completely from my life I could either (a) become much more compentent as a student or a musician or (b) develop other skills, passions and relationships in the time that I wouldn't be spending in search of sexual gratification.

I just said I spend time "in search of sexual gratification" because its something that porn rarely allows me to achieve. Seconds after a self induced climax, I am immediately overwhelmed with sadness, depression, and self disgust. In fact, its so bad, that I haven't really been actively seeking a healthy male-female relationship, because I honestly don't believe most girls deserve a guy like myself.

I have come up with a list of things that I believe are personally fulfilling for myself, that have helped me, marginally, reduce my dependance on pornography and masturbation. They are as follows:

Reading
Exercise - running, swimming, cycling, yoga
Learning new music - for some reason playing old music I already know doesn't give me much pleasure anymore
Accepting invitations to social events - often I will reject an invite to go out, with intent on staying home and studying, and find myself procrastinating on the net, and eventually watching porn
Cleaning house - I've got no idea how this works, but I love it
Volunteering - Feels great

There are likely more, which I will discover as I continue this journal, I'll keep you posted.

I would appreciate any comments, messages of support, tips, words of encouragement. Five years alone in this situation and not telling more than a few close friends I can use all the support I can get.

Daily Update # 1

So today, in light of huge loads of schoolwork that have gone unfinished, I find myself resorting to pornography as a means of procrastination. Thought I'd raid my roomates movie stash for a study break, found a porno I didn't know he had, and decided to watch it. Then I decided to search for porn addiction websites and found this one, and decided to start a journal. I think it's a good step forward for me, but time will tell.

Days of Sobreity: 0

-ms

[maplestaple]

Day 2.

Today marks another unsuccessful day in the maplestaple saga. I had intended on doing some research for an essay, and after getting stressed out, frustrated, and having a nap I ended up watching porn. This is probably the most common trigger for me. I'll kick back, have a snooze, wake up, watch porn. Its a very meaningless existence at this stage if you ask me.

One problem which I have been linking to my addiction lately is a physical ailment that has been troubling me for some time. I have pretty severe tension type headaches, which start out as a slight neck pain, radiate upwards, into the back of my head, and eventually through the temple and into the jaw. On days when I have alot of work to do, this is very upsetting, as it means having to lie down, sometimes nap, get destressed, and generally lose about 1 - 2 hours of work-time. Its frustrating because I can't schedule well around my headaches, decide to study at home because of them, and end up in an empty house where I have no inhibitions about watching porn. I find out of my entire house, I am the one who stays home the most. I find when others are around I have no desire to look for porn.

Anyways, that's today's update. Lets hope tomorrow goes better.


Days of Sobreity: 0

[maplestaple]

SO today was a bit better day, as far as PA is concerned. I was able to do some schoolwork for part of the morning and an entire afternoon. This is pretty good, compared to the work I didn't accomplish over the weekend.
So I came home at supper hour, ate some food, decided to do a bit of housecleaning before I hit the books. As I was cleaning I thought of something to mention to my housemate, in the room next to mine. [trigger]So I walked to her open doorway, and I accidentilly walked in on her changing. I have sort of had a crush on her for the past while, and was suprised with the feelings I've had since walking in on her. Now the old me probably would have gotten a thrill from that (silently of course) but today I just took it in stride, wasn't really turned on, not because I'm not attracted to her, but mainly because I know its not something I was meant to see or something that was meant for me.[/trigger]

That was not very long ago. Now, aside from being a little uncomfortable about my next encounter with my housemate, I am content with the way I reacted to the situation and I hope the rest of the night will be full of pure-thoughts. Now! To hit the books again!

-ms

Days of Sobriety: 1

[william1000]

Best of luck maplestaple. At least you are trying to kick it at the right time of your life.
There are alot of addicts here at it for 20 or more years. Its such a waste of time and energy.
I hope you are successful and happy.
Your life and your studies will be better for it.

[maplestaple]

Thanks for the kind words Will. I can't wait to realize my full potential once I get rid of this addiction for good.

Today was a pretty great day. The headaches I mentioned earlier have been really tolerable today, so studying was productive, and I was able to get some schoolwork done, and some meaningful volunteer work done with one of my campus groups. Also, still on the upside the local environment minister made some pretty great announcements with regard to environmental protection in our area, and it was very inspiring, as many of my friends have been working very hard on these projects.

I'm going to keep on working on some schoolwork for the rest of the evening, probably have a meal in an hour or two, and then go straight to bed once I'm too tired too work. I've been trying to wake up early for the past few weeks, but just can't seem to convince myself to get out of my warm bed any earlier than I need to to get to class on time. I'm gradually waking up earlier though. My goal tommorow will be 8:00. Let's see how that goes.

Anways, I'm off to do some work.
-ms

Days of Sobreity: 2

[maplestaple]

Today's been another swell day. As swamped as I've been with work, I'm loving what I'm doing. That said I also can't wait for the weekend. Today has been one of the most productive days I've had in a long while, and I attribute that to my success in resisting the temptation of pornography, among many other evils of everyday life.

Resisting the temptation over the past few days has been much easier than other times I've tried to quit. I think it may be a combination of how busy I am with school work and extracurricular committments, and of the formality of my abstenance committment this time. I believe reporting back here each day is something that is at the back of my mind each time as I begin to vear away from the path towards my ideal goals (both with respect to pornography addiction, and other aspects of my life as well).

I'm beginning to realize how much I have missed out on, neglected and ignored by immerging myself in the sea of sadness, depression and hopelessness that emenates from a pornography addiction. That said, I should complete this entry with haste, and move on to completing some more work, before I retire for the evening. I hope to get some time on the weekend to catch up, and see how everyone else is making out through their recovery journals, but until then, GOOD LUCK and BEST WISHES!

In solidarity,

ms

[maplestaple]

Today has been harder than the first 3 days of sobriety. I think it may be that I have a bit more free time on my hands, and I'm feeling drawn towards pornography in a hope for some release from some built up tension in my body.

I spent a bit of time today looking at pictures of girls on the net. Technically not porn, and no masturbation for sure, but it was definitely a slip-up. I didn't feel as guilty afterward as I would have if it had been real porn and masturbation, but I did feel a sense of guilt. Fortunately, thought I was able to pull myself away, which hadn't happened much before, for no reason other than the fact that I know better.

I've noticed in the past that I tend to look at porn more on days my house is empty, roomates gone for a while. That's why I've been trying to do more work at school, and only come back home for short periods of time. This can be tricky on days when I get headaches, which feed into a -headache-porn-sadnesss-headache loop that has been difficult to avoid.

I was doing some reading tonight on energy channelling, and came to the conclusion that I've been channelling to much energy to sexual desires, and sexually-selfish activities. I feel that for me, energy channelling has been working somewhat like muscle memory. When I jump into a pool, ocean, or lake my body immediately thinks "Front Crawl". And when I sit down in an empty house with my laptop; once I finish checking my email/facebook/news etc, my energy flows switch to porn and masturbation. As a former swim instructor, I know that once a learner develops muscle memory for a swim stroke done wrong, it can be incredibly frustrating, and sometimes near-impossible to change.
Pornography addictions seems to work in a similar way for me. Deep down my body and mind knows that masturbation and pornography have never made me feel better. Sometimes I try and convince myself that it will, under the current circumstances, but I'm really not being honest with myself. I hope with repeated efforts of telling myself it won't actually work, combined with employing methods that REALLY work - like exercise, reading, and socializing - I can get to where I need to be.

Whew, I'm pooped. Time to check in with my pillow.


- ms

Days of Sobreity: 4

[maplestaple]

So, I took a few days away from this board, and I've fallen back into the old habit again. I've tried so many times to get away but it for some reason it is so much easier to be passive and let my instincts take over.

Since I posted last I've been watching porn and masturbating every day or every second day. I let myself slip on friday, thinking it would be a great release and would help me relax for the weekend, but it was not a good idea. I ended up setting a bad tone for the rest of the weekend, and didn't get much done.

Again, this week I find myself procrastinating way too much, not really doing much with my days, and filling the boredom with relapse to pornography. I can think of a thousand excuses for which I could blame my non-recovery on, but I really do have to begin taking control of my life and the direction it is heading, because right now, its going no-wheres fast. When I have a clear state of mind, which often occurs when I've stayed clear of porn, I seem to know exactly what I want to do at any given moment. When I've had a day where I've watched porn, it seems that nothing I do after that can give me clarity of mind, and I can't seem to get back to where I want to be. I get so disappointed with myself on days like this, and I end up making a slew of bad choices on days like this. I know we're all capable of accomplishing so much more if we can rid ourselves of our addictions, and I really hope I can achieve that through this journey.

- ms

Days of Sobriety: 0

[william1000]

Hi MapleStaple,
We are all failures which is why we are here.
We are here to heal and restore ourselves and regain something pure about ourselves.
You should have a think what kicked it off this time.
Can you avoid that situation again.
Maybe you should have been in the pool swimming or out with friends or doing something good for others. P and M is such a lonely and selfish thing. Maybe by getting out more and giving more to others you can start to break the patterns that lead to it.
Its not easy I hope you get back on the horse again.
You have lots of good reasons to change. Find them again and go again.

Kind Regards
William

[rockwell]

MapleStaple,

I just read your journal and want to encourage you to continue in your recovery efferts and to stay completely away from Porn.

I know from personal experience that you can be free from Porn. I stayed away from it for a full 9 months before relapsing a few days ago. And it was not worth it at all. I am still not out of that porn fog mindset and I feel weaker because of it. but I can tell you that when I was free and away from the stuff, I could think clearly, reason better, was happier and motivated. Since my relapse I have been cloudy minded, wishy washy in my thinking, guilty and just plain confused. I am coming out of all of this with Gods help but as you are finding out, life is better without porn.

Keep journaling. Starting off can be difficult but do not give up. The more days away from the stuff the stronger you can become, and eventually you will be in a porn free groove.

You can do this MapleStaple. I like your name by the way. wish I thought of it. LOL

rockwell

[maplestaple]

Hey Will & Rock, thanks for the words of encouragement. It helps to have an outsiders perspective on the problem. Even a day after not having looked at any porn, I can feel clarity returning. I just hope I can stay away.

Today was a better day, much busier, which keeps me away from home, and stops me from being alone in the house which is prime opportunity for the addiction to take over. So, on the pornography side of things things have been well today, no real urge to kick back and wack.

I've been working on this project for the past couple of weeks, and presented it to some colleagues and it was promptly rejected, which is disheartening to say the least. I'd been working on it with some other folks too, and it seems we're having trouble communicating our ideas to the people we're working with. So that has got me bummed a little bit, but I guess it is all apart of the learning process and its something that will help guide my path for my next major proposal.

Anyways, exams start tomorrow so I'd best get away from this board, and back to studying.

- ms

Days of Sobriety:1

[maplestaple]

So last night after that post, I tried to go to bed at a reasonable hour, but ended up being unable to fall asleep. Then I found myself checking my email, surfing the web and looking at porn. Its odd because each time I do it, I consciously think "This is what's preventing you from doing everything you're trying to accomplish, and if you continue things WON'T get better." Then the devil on my left says "Nahhhh, this time will be different". And of course waking up remembering the last thing I've done before falling asleep was disgusting is never a good feeling.

One thing I've been realizing recently is that the advantages of giving up porn can be perceived as being quite selfish. This is interesting because when one thinks of a porn-addict most would think of a selfish pervert that is only considering his (or her) own desires and seeking out gratification. The benefits of a porn-free life, however, appear to be very rewarding for the addict. Of course this would probably apply to any addiction, not just pornography addictions. And I think also that the benefits will also indirectly affect those I interact with in everyday life.

Anyways. Those are my musings for the night.

-ms

[iwanttoquit]

hey Maplestaple, thanks for posting on my blog, it meant a lot. I've just finished reading yours too, and I think we have quite a bit in common!

1. exercise: are you a triathlete per chance? sounds like you're a good swimmer (and if you're a swimming instructor, perhaps you can give me some tips!). I've done a few triathlons but I'm mainly into cycling and football ("soccer" in US).

2. "Accepting invitations to social events - often I will reject an invite to go out, with intent on staying home and studying, and find myself procrastinating on the net, and eventually watching porn" - yep, I was on the verge of texting a friend to say I can't come out tonight due to too much work, but in light of your comment I guess I should go

3. '.. I consciously think "This is what's preventing you from doing everything you're trying to accomplish, and if you continue things WON'T get better."', yep I realise this every time too. I know I work best in the mornings, and my "best" time for going to sleep is 22:15.. yet I always fail to get to bed on time, then wake feeling rubbish and think "well, I'll go to bed early tonight and do loads of work tomorrow". It never happens.

all the best.. you can do this

[maplestaple]

Hey IWTC,

I'm not a triathlete. Although I love to run, swim and bike, my running skills aren't yet up to par with my biking and swimming skills. Hopefully soon though! It appears we do have a lot in common. I realize I work much better in the morning as well, which is why I forced myself to wake up early today to come to school and do work!

The weekend wasn't entirely successful for me. I was able to stay home Friday night, relax a little, watch a movie and stay away from ponr, but saturday and sunday were complete slip ups. Didn't get any work done, didn't stay away from porn.

So this morning, to make up for the weekend, I decided to force myself out of bed at an early hour and come into school to do work. I figure if every other working-class 9 - 5er can do it everyday, why can't I? So here I am. Without further ado I believe I will do some more work!

- ms

[william1000]

Hi Maplestaple,
Good to see you are going to bed at a reasonable hour and going to school to do some work.
You need to replace the time you spent on P and M with other things.
In the old days you probably wasted lots of times on these.
Something like the triathlon would be a good channel for your energy.
I agree with the clear mind feeling when you stay away from P and M.
I certainly am feeling alot better and more honest with the world.
Stay determined
William