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Post by maplestaple on Dec 18, 2007 19:40:51 GMT -5
It's been six days since I've been able to stay away from pornography. Now that I'm home I'm finding myself with too much time on my hands. Most of my friends aren't around yet, and I have been spending alot of time at home on my own.
I wish I could focus on things more. That's a big problem for me. I'm never content doing what I'm doing. I'm always trying to think of things I'd rather be doing, always changing the path I'm on, never able to keep on one strain of thought for too long. Unless of course, I'm at work or doing something somebody has asked me to do for them, then I'm capable of staying on track.
So I'm going to make a more solid effort at staying away from porn in the next few days. I don't want it in my life, I'm happier without it. I'd rather be reading, exercising, socializing etc.
ms out.
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Post by maplestaple on Dec 19, 2007 10:32:11 GMT -5
So I woke up this morning with full intent to stay clean. I find I enjoy my days best when I simply start by lying in bed and reading. So that is what I did this morning. I've been reading this book that is a simple guide to the boddhichita, and ancient Buddhist text. It is meant for westerners. Reading it really helps me visualize what life can be once a rid myself of this and other (minor but significant) afflictions.
I'd like to share a verse that has been helping me get through tough times lately:
Instead of experiencing our "hang-ups" as solid and everlasting , rather than definitely believing they're "me" we could say "this is just weather, it will pass. This is not the fundamental state." Everyone knows what its like for the clouds to part just briefly, and give a sense of potential and possibility. Without this initial or ongoing flash, we'd never be inspired to investigate this path.
I hope it will help you as it helps me.
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Post by maplestaple on Dec 20, 2007 10:24:31 GMT -5
Yesterday was a clean day. Today was not. I had some important stuff to do in the morning, and when I finished that I didn't know what to do with myself. I played some music for a while, and then I found myself looking at porn.
I know its wrong. I know its selfish, disgusting and ungratifying. I can't convince myself that though. Ugh. Crap.
Well, because of a busy next few days I'll be having, I doubt I'll get the chance to watch porn. Maybe this will give me the boost I need to get started again. Getting past the first few days is the hardest part for me. Day 1 always sucks. But I must remind myself that it is not the "fundamental state" and that I need to keep trying harder to push through it. Someones journal said "when you're going through Hell, keep going". That makes alot of sense. I'll try and convince myself that.
-ms
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Post by rockwell on Dec 20, 2007 13:22:58 GMT -5
Keep going, Maple! Rooting for you.
rockwell
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Post by maplestaple on Dec 22, 2007 14:52:43 GMT -5
Like I said, so busy yesterday, no time to even think about porn. Feel great today, have been struggling with a cold though. Family is finally home for Christmas, and so are friends so its been fun and busy! Anyways, I'm pretty tired right now, can hardly stay awake so I'm going to go take a nap!
Days of Sobriety: 1
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Post by maplestaple on Dec 23, 2007 14:18:09 GMT -5
Still kickin' butt. Just checkin' in.
- ms
Days of Sobriety: 2
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Post by maplestaple on Dec 24, 2007 15:36:19 GMT -5
So maybe my cockiness got the best of me.
Slipped up yesterday evening as a result of having not done anything with my day. The holidays are a lazy time and my family and I have been doing a lot of lounging around the house. This drives me nuts, as the town we live in is big enough to make traveling out of town - ie to nature - not very convenient, but yet small enough to not have much fun and exciting things to do. And friends of mine are spread out over about a 30 km radius from my house, so socializing can sometimes be cumbersome
Anyways, those are just excuses, what I really need to learn how to do is deal with boredom and being shut in constructively. Anyways, gotta jet, family supper.
-mc
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Post by maplestaple on Dec 26, 2007 10:15:40 GMT -5
Alright, riding the Christmas wave again. Have the momentum of the past three days built up inside, and I tend to keep it going. I've made the decision that I'm going to try the 100 day marathon starting on New Years. I'm also going to try to keep clean until then, but choosing new years as the starting date will be more symbolic than anything. Also, I think the business of new years will give me another kick-start that will set me on my way for the new year.
Days of Sobriety: 2
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Post by maplestaple on Dec 27, 2007 12:14:51 GMT -5
So yesterday was a slip-up day. I was awake late and online reading about PA, and I started watching some YouTube reports on the subject. Reading about the psychological dangers of the affliction, and came across some distracting videos that set me off.
I feel I am doing much better than ever before. When I do slip up, I'm looking at softer stuff than I used to be looking at, and I'm not where I was a few months ago, doing it everyday. I've been pretty hard on myself about this lately, and I think I may be preventing myself from enjoying certain parts of life that were never affected by this before. Battling this addiction is beginning to consume me, and I'm really looking forward to school starting again so I can get into my new routine.
I'm going to do some work today, make up a budget for the new year, see how much money I'll need to bum from my parents/earn at a part time job. I might even start studying for an LSAT I'd like to write in February.
-ms
Days of Sobriety: 0
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Post by maplestaple on Dec 30, 2007 12:46:31 GMT -5
Haven't done super since the last report. But now have gone one day without P or MB.
I am going to do 2 things that are going to help me keep this new years resolution of not watching porn for 100 days.
1. Buy and Read Ten Keys 2. When I absolutely cannot resist, masturbate without porn. I'd rather not do either, but I'm never really ashamed of myself for masturbating.
-ms
Days of Sobriety: 1
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Post by maplestaple on Dec 31, 2007 11:03:58 GMT -5
Yesterday was a good day. Read all of Ten Keys, got some other reading done , and stayed away from porn and MB.
I was worried for a little why though. I found myself looking at porn. Then I found myself saying what it said in Ten Keys "I never look at porn or masturbate now". Then I stepped away and went back to what I was doing previously. And then I woke up! I stepped away from porn in a dream! I think this is a major step forward for me, as I have never done this, as I can recall, before now.
Since new years is today, I believe I'll be busy with friends, so should have more than enough to keep my mind off porn.
Happy new years, will likely move to the new board for the next post!
- ms
Days of sobriety: 2
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