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Post by maplestaple on Dec 4, 2007 11:05:28 GMT -5
Thanks Will, its been a good few days so far.
Didn't get up as early as I should have this morning, but I still got right to work anyways.
Was able to avoid porn yesterday and so far today. Got to get some serious work done to make up for sleeping in!
- ms
Days of Sobriety:1
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william1000
Full Member
I can not do everything, but I can do something. I must not fail to do the something that I can do.
Posts: 110
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Post by william1000 on Dec 4, 2007 19:27:03 GMT -5
Good Good Maplestaple - Keep up the good work!
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Post by maplestaple on Dec 5, 2007 10:17:02 GMT -5
Yesterday was a pretty productive day. Managed to stay away from porn the entire day yesterday. It felt pretty good. After a day of studying I went out with some friends for a relaxing night at a pub with some friends. I know now that I just need to start accepting these invitations when they come, because if I plan correctly I can study at other times.
This morning there is a psychologist on a local talk-radio show. They were talking about male addiction to pornography for a few minutes and it helped put into perspective how big this problem is. I think its much more prevalent than society would like to believe, or simply its not perceived to be as destructive as addictions like alcohol, cocaine etc. Knowing people that have been addicted to drugs, I would argue that it is just as destructive, perhaps more because of the huge element of secret and loneliness. Someone else on here mentioned in their own journal that other addictions don't hit as hard because they are generally not as lonely, alcoholics can go to any bar and find company in the presence of others, and similarly for drug addicts. Pornography is an embarrassment because its not there if you don't seek it, but other addictions are constantly in the news. Just hearing the talk-radio show mention this provides some comfort in knowing that I'm not the only one going through this, or someone who can only find like-company on an internet message board of a few-hundred like-minded addicts.
So today is another study day. This time next week I will be completely finished exams. Part of me wishes I could just put myself on autopilot and arrive there already (anyone see Click?). But alas, I probably wouldn't get the sense of achievement without consciously pounding through the mounds of material I need to study.
Adios, and good luck on your own journeys!
- ms
Days of Sobriety: 2
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Post by maplestaple on Dec 6, 2007 10:47:31 GMT -5
Yesterday was a pretty great day. While I'm getting fed-up with studying, I've had much better luck with dealing with my stress and procrastination in productive ways. For instance, I've always really enjoyed reading, and one thing I've noticed in school is that because I have so much reading to do for school I don't partake in as much leisure reading anymore. Yet, I still find time for other wasteful things like porn, partying and playing music. So having realized this, and acknowledging how much more I enjoy reading I decided to take some books out of the library while I was at school.
I picked up a copy of the Dhammapadda, a book of Buddhist teachings, something I've been meaning to read for a while, but have never gotten around to. If I had to choose a religion to identify myself with, I think I would choose Buddhism. However, I know relatively little about the religion itself, aside from that I believe in the basic principles. Part of what let me to wanting to know more recently was a quote I heard (I think from Neitzsche) "Only the deeply religious can afford to be religious skeptics". I would certainly consider myself a religious skeptic, but not deeply religious, so I've decided to explore my beliefs further, and I hope I can find what I'm looking for. I've certainly been putting this off for too long.
Today is the day of my first major exam, so I'm going to keep studying for the remainder of the afternoon. Hope you're all doing great, and I'm looking forward to getting a chance to read how you're all doing once this exam business is done!
-ms
Days of Sobriety: 3
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Post by maplestaple on Dec 7, 2007 10:20:56 GMT -5
Another great day behind me! Got my first big exam over with, stayed away from porn, and plan on having another great day today and and even better day tomorrow, the international day of climate action. If you're reading this and you are interested in the IDCA I encourage you to find and attend a local event because there are events happening in every major center and several smaller centers.
In doing some reading in the Dhammapadda I came across an interesting quote which I think applies to the problem we are all struggling with here. "As the rain leaks into a poorly roofed house, so do passions invade an uncultivated mind. As no rain leaks into a well roofed house, passion does not invade a cultivated mind". That's my message for the day, it has helped me and I hope it may help you. If it doesn't, keep searching.
Anyways, back to the studies for now!
- ms
Days of Sobriety: 4
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Post by rockwell on Dec 7, 2007 10:32:30 GMT -5
Maple - keep remember how good you currently feel being away from the filth of that awful pit! That will keep you going on the right path. Take care. I am following your journal and I expect you to succeed!
rockwell
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Post by maplestaple on Dec 8, 2007 13:03:48 GMT -5
Thanks Rockwell, your support is encouraging, and it helps to know someone else is following my journey!
I've mentioned before that I am much happier when I stay away from porn. There's a few other things I've noticed that happen when I stay away from porn. Firstly, I have much more confidence. Perhaps I am afraid people will see through me when I've been looking at porn too much, and I feel more worthy to bond with people when I'm clean. This has always been a problem for me, and I feel like I'm "faking it" trying to hold up conversations with people when I'm overwhelmed with disgust for my actions of the day.
Secondly, I'm way more passionate about the things I care about than I am when I've been looking at porn. This might be partly because of the increase in clarity of mind I mentioned I have when I've been away from porn. This probably helps me to prioritize what I want to do with my life.
Anyways, yesterday was a great day and today has been even better. We had an awesome rally downtown for Climate Change and I think we achieved what we were trying to do. More studying to be done today, and I can't wait to get these exams over with
- ms
Days of Sobriety: 5
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Post by maplestaple on Dec 9, 2007 12:38:42 GMT -5
Alright, this is the longest I've been able to stay away for pornography in a while, so I'm feeling really optimistic about the next few weeks. There have been a few times that I've been able to stay away from porn for periods of a week or two at a time throughout this addiction. There are times when life is SO busy, or I am constantly surrounded by people that I haven't had time to think about porn, let alone watch it, but I don't really attribute that to any sort of personal growth, but circumstantial conditions that keep me away from it, much like a coke addict isolated from coke is still an addict.
The first significant period that I've been able to stay away from porn for was after a weekend away at a Christian Challenge retreat. During the retreat each of us had a chance to sit down with our Priest in confession, and have a nice conversation with him. I'd done confessions before but the atmosphere (lineup outside, impatient priest etc.) had never really been conducive to opening up emotionally. So I told the priest about my problem. I didn't say it was an addiction, because I honestly didn't believe it was then. I said "I watch a lot of porn". He didn't make a big deal out of it, told me that it wasn't uncommon for guys my age that he has been speaking with. He also mentioned the fact that the past few generations are unique with respect to human civilization in the fact that we're finding permanent life partners later and later, and that my great-grandfather was likely already starting a family by the time he was my age (17 at the time). This makes sense, and he suggested channeling my energies elsewhere. The advice he gave didn't really help me much then, but the guilt and honesty of admitting my problem to someone of authority did.
The only other times that I've had success in staying away from porn have been in the opening stages of a relationship. When I think I might be "in love", I have been able to stay away from porn for significant periods of time. I think the most might have been 20 - 30 days at the beginning of my first serious relationship a few years ago.
So this period of abstinence has been different from either of those periods I just mentioned. I think this one definitely has the potential to be more sustainable, definitely more accountable (to the other readers and journallers), and more self-driven. This is why I think it will work.
In the past few days I've been having very vivid dreams. I hadn't realized how few dreams I've been remembering/having lately. The past two nights I've had vivid, positive dreams. Two nights ago I had a dream of having sex, and I enjoyed it. While I was having the dream I was conscious of my commitment to staying sober, so it's something that has permeated my subconscious
Anyways, I'm feeling good today, had a great start, and I'm planning on keeping this going a lot longer. I have had huge success telling myself how great I feel when I'm away from porn and doing so is motivation enough right now to stay away. I'm thinking about setting a long term goal. Is it too soon maybe? Thoughts anyone?
Anyways, back to the books.
- ms
Days of Sobriety: 6
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Post by iwanttoquit on Dec 9, 2007 16:34:56 GMT -5
heya Mr Maplestaple. Well done on getting to 6 days, I am only nearing 2. I've also started just accepting invitations by default, especially if it is an event that my other house mates are invited to (if there's no one home it's easier to get tempted).
all the best for your remaining exams and continued sobriety, iwtq
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Post by maplestaple on Dec 10, 2007 18:15:18 GMT -5
Thanks IWTQ, I appreciate the support.
Today was a rough day. Nothing to do with pornography though. I had an exam at noon and was running late, so I decided to take my bike to school to get me there on time. So I go outside and I realize that it is lightly snowing. "No Biggie," I think and hop on the road intending to take it slow. So I drive to school, and I stop to wait for cars to pass and pull in the exam building parking lot. When I pull away I hit a snowy patch, and land SLAM on my right side. One of my quirky habits is that whenever I get hurt (no matter how serious it is) I immediately jump up, look around and try and scuff it off like nothing happened. Thankfully, not too many were around, so I quickly scurried off to my exam room.
You wouldn't believe how frustrating it is to write an exam with a severe pain extending from your right hip to your right ankle. Anyways, I was able to pull it off, and by the end of it I was actually starting to feel comfortable with sitting. But as soon as I stood up it was pain again, and believe me it hasn't really subsided much. So right now I'm lying in bed, after a 2-hour recuperation nap, and trying to get some ambition to finish studying for my last exam tomorrow and to put the finishing touches on two papers due tomorrow evening. Whew. This time tomorrow, it will all be over. Thank heavens.
So as you can probably tell, I've got plenty to do to keep my mind off pornography. I should also update that last night I was feeling restless, and decided to give myself an outlet. I masturbated for the first time this week. I thought about it before hand, and told myself that the reason I started to journal here was because I wanted to quit porn, not masturbation. While I didn't feel as great getting up today as I have in past days, it didn't feel as bad as if I had resorted to porn, and that is why I'm here. That said, I'll probably be less likely to masturbate in coming days, since I'd rather do neither.
Thats all for now! Wish me luck!
-ms
Days of Sobriety: 7
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Post by maplestaple on Dec 11, 2007 9:01:28 GMT -5
Hey all, I'm back to morning updates.
I'm feeling surprisingly better today. I'm no longer sore, and I've got my positive outlook back. I finished my 2 papers at a reasonable hour and I feel pretty confident about the exam I'll be writing today.
While I still get the urge to watch porn, its getting easier and easier to say no. I am worried about what I'll be up to when exams are over though. I'm worried that with too much free time and no deadlines I may slip up. I've got a hefty to-do list though, which includes Christmas shopping/gift crafting that I haven't started at all yet, so I think I will concentrate on that for the time being.
Anyways, I've still got some last minute studying to do for this exam! In 8.5 hours, it will all be over, and I'll be home free!
-ms
Days of Sobriety: 8
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Post by maplestaple on Dec 12, 2007 19:28:42 GMT -5
Unfortunately I caved today.
I may have gotten myself too excited about the freedom of being done exams, that my body has decided to strengthen the message that I'm never really free. I woke up this morning, and immediately twisted the wrong way and I have gotten myself into a knot. My back, neck and shoulder muscles are super tense and sore, so I haven't been able to do much all day without feeling pain.
So, being confined to my bed, I got bored with reading and websurfing and decided to watch some porn, terrible idea I know, made a bad situation worse. To tell you the truth, it started last night as well. I had a cup of coffee too late in the day, and it kept me up late. I tried to find some other things to do but eventually I ended up surfing on facebook and finding pictures of cute girls I know. Not really porn, but equally perverse.
But, there is some hope in what has happened over the last 24 hours. Coming back here and admitting what I have done was very hard, especially after almost 9 days of staying clean. So I know that the intent of this board is working, and I hope that I can last even longer next time. I intend to keep daily updates for the next few weeks, even if they are short, I intend to be completely honest and open through this blog. I know that even though I do not know any of you in reality, there is shame in admitting what I have done, and that will surely be enough to kickstart me out of this stage I am in now.
- ms
Days of Sobriety: 0
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Post by rockwell on Dec 13, 2007 10:08:29 GMT -5
Maple,
I know how you feel because I know what it feels like to relapse after having successful stretch of sobriety - - it SUCKS!
I found that once you hit a certian number of days clean, you get on a roll. Right now I am on day 16 since my relapse. The feelings of low self worth for me died down after one week. It takes more resolve the first week I think because your inner addict wants to act out more once you have slipped. At least that was how it was with me.
You are making progress despite this relapse as you have noted. Keep journaling. Try and stay out of inner circle thinking, meaning do not even allow lust to take place in your heart and mind....immediately think of something else to think about. It all starts in the mind, in the heart. That is the root of the problem.
Take good care.
rockwell
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Post by maplestaple on Dec 16, 2007 1:31:54 GMT -5
Hey gents,
Well, I made it home for Christmas. I don't have time for a detailed update, so I'm just going to spill to get things off my chest. I haven't made any progress on beating this (no pun intended) but would like to start over right now. My goal is to make it to boxing day without porn. I'm intent on making this Christmas a blast, and porn is not going to be a part of that.
cheers,
ms
Days of Sobriety: 0
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Post by tomlincolnsixecho on Dec 16, 2007 6:09:51 GMT -5
Hey IWTQ, keep on fighting, put the slip behind you, its gone now, the only thing you can do is hope to learn from it. I read so often and reflect on my own problems, and its clear to see that an unproductive day leads to no good. I like how you look at going out with friends being important, and that you can put other tasks on hold. I haven't found it hard this weekend, despite again being alone, but I know that getting out helps imensly.
GL and get back on your feet again.
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