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Post by MrOuch on Nov 10, 2007 21:12:24 GMT -5
DW,
You're a good son and a good man. Be clean and God bless.
MrOuch
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DennisW
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Post by DennisW on Nov 24, 2007 8:36:42 GMT -5
Okay, I am back. I can't say how good it feels to be back home. I had worked hard visiting at mom's house in Fl. I replaced trim throughout the house, installed tile floor in front of the front entry, cleaned out underneath the deck, installed lattice around the deck, sanded the deck, sealed the deck, cut grass, and went running once during that time. Well, I know that I did what I could do to help mom sell her house. I really missed my kids during this time. I got to play with my nephews/niece Sammy, Gabriel, Shoen, and Lilly. Mom took me out to eat a lot, but one night was special. Her exchange student from Korea made us a traditional Korean meal, which was excellent by the way.
After that, I flew back home to MI. My wife picked me up at the airport and we went to her mom's house for 2 weeks. I helped her mom with some projects as well. Then, I spent some time deer hunting. I shot a 4-point buck opening morning. I field dressed it myself, but messed it up because I hadn't go a deer in several years. The bladder and rectum were still inside when I brought the deer up to the house-that was somewhat embarrassing in front of my wife's family. Jimmie said, "I think there might be some organs still inside!" Uh, yep.
I hunted three other days with no luck. I got to take my seven-year-old daughter hunting one night. We did not see anything, but had fun hanging out in the deer blind eating candy bars and talking about deer.
I am glad to be home, but am also stressed with 3 weeks of bills to catch up on, all kinds of housework, and a new puppy to boot. Yep, my wife knew that her brother's dog had puppies when we went up north. Neither I nor her mom thought it was good timing to bring a dog into our house. She's chewing up stuff (the dog), running around, bug she is cute.
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DennisW
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Post by DennisW on Nov 26, 2007 10:17:40 GMT -5
Back at work today. I catching up at work as well. Not as bad as I thought it was going to be-at least so far. I have been catching up with other employees and that has been fun. I can't say that I got a lot of work done, but at least it is organized.
There are more temptations being at home and at work again. I don't feel so pulled in those directions today as I have been putting off those ideas with "recovery thoughts" instead of entertaining the negative addictive thoughts.
I feel positive today and am anxious to start getting some work done.
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DennisW
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Post by DennisW on Nov 27, 2007 9:06:37 GMT -5
I got to work today, but did not "feel like" working on stuff. I wanted to sit at my desk and play computer games. I am finding that I can get quite compulsive with games as well. Instead of playing games, I decided to come here and post how I am doing. I am hoping that I can find other ways to cope with the way I feel other than games. There are some parallels with games and porn and MB. So, how am I doing today? I am slightly upset at my wife, which is a common theme in my life. I am still frustrated about the lack of sex in our lives. I am worried about overspending of our financial ability for Christmas. I was making a point this morning to not let the dog out because I am upset at my wife for wanting a dog and then expecting me to be the one to care for her. You know, I came home last night to a real mess. There were dishes and food on the table from the whole day. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner were all piled on the table. On top of that, she went out shopping last night with the kids and lost our youngest daughter's bedtime blanket. She was up several times last night crying because she is getting all her 2-yr molars. The night she needed the blanket more than ever and it is lost at a store somewhere. I feel frustrated by these things. I wonder if my expectations are out of wack. Am I justified in being upset by these things? Or, am I so unrealistic, no wonder I am upset? How can I change my attitude, expectations, so on and so forth? Since I can't seem to make a dent in how my wife handles her affairs, attitudes, expectations, so on and so forth, I can only change myself. What do I change so I am not so frustrated. ?
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DennisW
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Post by DennisW on Nov 28, 2007 16:07:45 GMT -5
Busy day. Too busy to post. Getting frustated easily today.
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DennisW
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Post by DennisW on Nov 29, 2007 14:11:29 GMT -5
I have been fighting off more fantasies lately. I think it is because I have been staying away from porn and from objectifying in general. Now, it has turned to inside my head. I won't get too worked up about it because this is progress. I am recoqnizing when this is happening and making myself think about positive things; praying, thinking about my kids, ect.
I feel positive today despite being very tired today. I gotta get a nap in sometime soon or I will end up getting sick.
I am ending up with a lot of free time at work today. This is both good and bad. I am working on stuff, except for this moment. I like to see clients. I could be in a training, but did not go because my scheduled showed appointments. I did not go to the training and none of my appointments have came in today. I can keep working on stuff.
I feel positive today. I just wrote that twice, so I must be especially positive or especially tired. I will stop before I hurt myself.
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DennisW
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Post by DennisW on Dec 2, 2007 13:00:49 GMT -5
Alright. I got some sleep last night and am feeling better. I am doing better are resisting temptations. It was really interesting today, because it was my turn to lead the children's ministry at church. The topic was on temptations. What a great way to remind myself what to do. Scripture memorization has been a great tool in the past and works currently as well.
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DennisW
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Post by DennisW on Dec 3, 2007 9:27:19 GMT -5
I just noticed that I have 50+ days from my last slip. I have also noticed that 12/15 is coming up. 12/15 was the day I decided a year ago that I have to stop looking at porn and that this was going to be a permanent work in progress. I have slipped a few times this year, but am encouraged by the progress I have been making. Staying free of lust, porn, and mb is my primary goal.
However, I am beginning to consider other things to work on as well. I want to be more willing to stop what I am doing and spend time with my kids or wife. I really struggle with stopping the current task I am engaging in and going to play hot wheels with my son or playing UNO with my oldest daughter. I also want to work on responding with less anger and yelling when I am upset about something.
Primary goals :stay lust, porn, and mb free Secondary goals: 1. Be more willing to stop what I am currenlty working on and doing one on one activities with my kids/wife. 2. No yelling!!!!
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Post by MrOuch on Dec 3, 2007 19:21:34 GMT -5
D, Congrats on making 50+ days. I think you're making good progress if you're now ready to begin working on your relationship issues with family. Getting connected and staying connected can go a long way toward helping with the yelling. I yell a lot less now. There is much peace in the Ouch house these days (but not always ) Be well. MrOuch
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DennisW
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Post by DennisW on Dec 4, 2007 9:34:16 GMT -5
Thanks for the encouragement Mr. Ouch.
I am feeling grumpy today. I am reviewing paperwork I turned in and it needs to be corrected. I really do not like to corrected on my work. Why is that I ask? How does asking why help? Asking why? helps because this could be one of my character defects getting in the way of me enjoying a beautiful wintery morning. I am determined to keep working on these things; perfectionism, judgementalism, lust, etc.
Today, I turn my life and will over to the care of GOD. Help me Father, to be the man You have created me to be. AMEN.
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DennisW
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Post by DennisW on Dec 5, 2007 16:21:37 GMT -5
I'm a little horny today. I am tired too. I need to rest. I think I will sleep in and go to work late tomorrow morning. I may also leave early tonight if I get the chance. I would also like to limit electronic entertainment time to reduce the chance of hitting a trigger and not having the engergy to fight back the temptation.
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DennisW
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Post by DennisW on Dec 6, 2007 13:24:53 GMT -5
I had a wet dream last night. I hate those.
I am tired today again as my son was up for 4 hours last night sick. I stayed home from work this morning to catch a little extra sleep and to let my wife sleep as she was up with him more than I was. I enjoyed making pancakes for my kids, but was pulled in several directions. All three of my kids plus the dog were all trying to get some one on one attention. I felt like a ping pong ball on the one hand, and very grateful on the other hand. I am grateful that they enjoy playing with me like they do. I guess I need to start getting busy at work now.
Chow.
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DennisW
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Post by DennisW on Dec 10, 2007 16:25:38 GMT -5
I see that it has been four days since I last wrote in my journal. Let's see. What's been happening the last four days? Oh, yeah. The weekend. Friday, I did not work. I stayed home and played with my kids and new dog. My son has been sick. My daughter has been sick. They kept us up, but we were all able to sleep in sat. Saturday was a family outing day. We went to a place called the Frederick Meijer Gardens. We saw 41 different christmas trees from 41 different countries, two raindeer, and the most awesome train set. We went out for lunch. Sat. evening was characterized by yelling between my wife and I over how long it takes me to respond to her when she asks me a question. That night sucked. Sunday, I was exhausted and by this time had caught the cold my son and daughter have. I tried to sleep most of the day, but ended up watching my two little ones in the AM so my wife could rest and then in the afternoon so my older daughter and wife could go to her friend's birthday party. I did not get all of the rest that I needed. I have a cold, am tired, and am working now.
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DennisW
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Post by DennisW on Dec 12, 2007 9:25:31 GMT -5
My wife and I had a blow out this weekend. We were fighting because I did not respond to her question. She told me something matter factly, and I made a facial gesture, but did not verbalize, "Okay." She yelled at me and I yelled back. My oldest daughter hid underneath the table.
I find it difficult to meet the demands placed on me. Work has been extra demanding lately. When I get home from work, I am often on empty. My family expects that I am going to spend time with each family member, that I will be pleased with however they spend their time for that day, and that I don't have a limit for how much I can take.
I find that praying often gives me strength when my tank is empty, but this means alone time. This alone time is often interpreted as me being selfish by my family members. I often tune out when I am under stress and my family cannot take it. I guess balancing all this is a real chore for me.
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DennisW
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Post by DennisW on Dec 13, 2007 14:25:15 GMT -5
I am tired and my wife and kids are all sick with a cold. My youngest might have an ear infection. They have been keeping us up at night.
I wish I could take a nap.
Other than that, I am feeling pretty positive at this moment. I think I will try to relish this feeling for now.
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