DennisW
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Love God Hate Sin
Posts: 226
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Post by DennisW on Oct 28, 2007 7:12:03 GMT -5
I am sooo stressed about money. We are over spent. We will probably overdraft. I don't get it. Dear God, You know our needs. Help us to be good stewards of the resources You have entrusted to us. Help me to be a leader that gains the respect of those who follow.
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DennisW
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Love God Hate Sin
Posts: 226
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Post by DennisW on Oct 29, 2007 10:14:57 GMT -5
I am tired and frustrated today, which means I am vulnerable. I am committed to change. I will not use my stress as an excuse to use. There is no excuse to use porn or my mind and masturbate. I am not going to give in. I am going to rely on the strength that comes from God to stay clean, to deal with the stress, frustration, and fatigue.
I have a vacation coming up. I will leave for FL on 11/5 and will be gone until 11/10. I will then go with my family to my wife's family's house and will be there until 11/24 or 11/25. In effect, I will have a three week period off work. I will post until 11/4. I am not sure if I will be able to post while I am gone.
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Post by MrOuch on Oct 29, 2007 10:45:27 GMT -5
D,
Sounds like you've got a lot going on in your life at the moment. I agree with you in not letting these stressors become an excuse. You can use anything as an excuse if you let you let your addict brain rationalize it that way. Stay clean. Fight temptation with the power of a rational brain.
Enjoy your time off work. Get some rest and try and connect with you wife and family. Isn't that better than dealing with the guilt of P?
Be well,
MrOuch
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DennisW
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Posts: 226
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Post by DennisW on Oct 30, 2007 7:50:57 GMT -5
I am waking up feeling tired and frustrated. I have been waking up early and having trouble falling back asleep. This is a sign that stress is getting the best of me. I am hoping that time off work and normal activities will provide some respite. I am getting excited about going down to FL. That will feel great to be able to help my mom out. I wish I could help her out more that I am. I'd like to be able to support her financially.
I appreciate the support MrOuch. I was thinking to myself as I was waiting for my journal to load up that I could use some words of encouragement, and there they were!! .--Yeah. Definately.
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Post by MrOuch on Oct 31, 2007 8:14:49 GMT -5
D,
Be well and stay clean today. Don't let stress or anything else get in the way of your recovery. You can do this.
MrO
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DennisW
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Love God Hate Sin
Posts: 226
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Post by DennisW on Oct 31, 2007 10:02:41 GMT -5
I got up early and went running with my friend. I am so thankful for Andy. He has really helped me out a ton. We always talk about how things are going while we run. I gotta tell him how much this has meant to me. I feel positive after running today. I have a little knee pain. I still need to get new shoes and orthodics-when I have the money. I am getting excited for going to Fl. Kids have Halloween tonight. I know they are excited about that. I hope to finish chapter six this weekend.
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DennisW
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Love God Hate Sin
Posts: 226
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Post by DennisW on Nov 1, 2007 8:52:46 GMT -5
People suck. I got home last night to discover that two of our bikes were stolen out of our garage. This would not be so upsetting if not for the fact that we had two stolen out of our yard last summer. That's four bikes in two years and it pisses me off. I think about getting my hands on these little b's and putting it to them. Okay, that the addict talking. Recovering Dennis says to not let this ruin your day. Recovering Dennis says to file a police report. Look around at the pawn shops. Work on figuring out how to lock the garage. Move on.
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DennisW
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Posts: 226
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Post by DennisW on Nov 2, 2007 17:17:49 GMT -5
I am still ruminating about our bikes being stolen. I was complaining to my neighbor saying, "people suck" and "this world sucks." She replied, "some parts of this world is pretty good." A little while later, her new boyfriend came by and they went for a walk with each of their dogs. I can see what she means.
I spent $10 putting a new garage door lock on. My 7-year-old daughter helped me screw it in place. She did a great job. I also nailed shut the side door with four pieces of 2x4. There must be about 20 of those screwy type nails in there. I was taking my anger out hammering those nails. It kinda felt good.
Amazingly, minor temptations that have been easily dismissed.
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DennisW
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Love God Hate Sin
Posts: 226
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Post by DennisW on Nov 3, 2007 8:50:51 GMT -5
Huge trigger last night. I was watching an R rated movie with my wife that she picked out. There was some scenes in it that were not good for me. We skipped some of them, but one we did not skip because we could not find the remote control. I really wanted to mb last night and the image kept replaying in my mind. I kept trying to stop my thinking and really made myself not mb by just going to bed. In the past, I used to have sex with my wife after watching such a thing. I guess this is progress, but it is not easy. I read over my entry for today and feel sad.
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DennisW
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Posts: 226
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Post by DennisW on Nov 4, 2007 8:20:01 GMT -5
Thank God for daylight savings time. I was able to get this done this morning.
Chapter 6:
We were young, only 20 when we married in May of 1992. We had no money. Uncle from my hometown provided pastoral services for us. He tried to convince us that our marriage would not work out because we had no money. We almost called off the wedding. One of the things I fell in love with Dawn was for her defiance of what others said. I had always just done whatever my family told me to do up until that point. Uncle still married us. We had love and lots of support from our families. We had our honeymoon in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. Da U.P., Eh?
Our first summer was spent at her parent’s house. We lived in the upstairs. I decided that, to be a part of her family, I should try working for the family business. Her dad owned and operated a lumber company. That was interesting. I was a skinny young person, who had never really been exposed to working that hard. I came home every night exhausted, falling into bed too tired to take off my work boots. I was hungry too. Once, Dawn made chicken fricassee. After finishing the meal I asked for more. She did not have anymore and made a huge plate of spaghetti. I ate all of that too. On top of that, her family members were perfectionist workaholics. I just could not do anything right, no matter how hard I tried. After three months of this, we decided to go back to school.
After that first summer, we moved into the married student’s apartments. Since money was an issue, Dawn quit school and started working. I started back at school and working as much as possible for the same on campus job as before. To better accommodate working 30 hrs per week and still going to school full-time, I quit the cross-country team (this has always bothered me). We weren’t making much money and it was difficult just coming up with rent money. We had a fight about, especially because my on campus job did not include health insurance.
A second issue came up during this time that has haunted our marriage. I came home at night-past midnight. I was exhausted and I had to get up the next morning. I just wanted to sleep. Dawn tried to initiate sex. I told her I was tired. She tried to talk me into it and I said, “what am I to you, a whore?” I had forgotten about the incident. Many years later, this would come up in therapy-and continues to come up from time to time.
Another argument that we had during all of this was when Dawn came home from work on day. She was working for a dog breeder. One night, I came home at midnight. A small dog liking my face greeted me. I was angry because this meant that we would have to move out of the apartments-no dogs allowed.
I took a job off campus so that we would have health insurance in case we got pregnant. I had taken a job working with dysfunctionally disabled adults. I really worked hard to make this work. I discovered through this work that I really wanted to work with people. But, I had no idea how my Bachelors degree was going to fit in to this. Up until this point, I was working on a pre-seminary degree. I changed it my sophomore year so that I could continue receiving state funds for school. The question was never asked during this time, how can I use a Bachelor of Arts in Religion in today’s market place?
One more thing, we tried AMWAY. Dawn’s brother introduced us to this multi-level-marketing plan while we were still living at her mom and dad’s house. We lost a lot of friends introducing them to AMWAY. The only benefit to trying to work the plan was that we spent a lot of time with her brother and his wife and kids. We also read many self-help books.
So, my first few years of married were met with a lot of changes. I was not really ready to handle these changes and Dawn did a lot of prompting. I did not respond well to this prompting, but I had always gone along with her demands (get a different job, move to a dog-friendly apartment, quit running). This period was also characterized by freedom from porn and masturbation. For this, I look on this period with gratitude.
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DennisW
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Love God Hate Sin
Posts: 226
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Post by DennisW on Nov 5, 2007 22:47:41 GMT -5
I am tired. I miss my family. I made it to Florida safety. I saw my brother and his kids today. I had fun playing with his kids. They are fun. I am looking forward to beginning work on mom's house tomorrow. We have a ton of work to do and I am not sure if I can get it all done.
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DennisW
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Love God Hate Sin
Posts: 226
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Post by DennisW on Nov 7, 2007 19:05:59 GMT -5
We have worked hard yesterday and today. We got a bunch of work done. I am impressed at how much work we can complete. I smashed my finger with a hammer and it hurts to type. I am tired, clean, and I miss my family. I just tried calling there and there was no answer. I hope they are at Marianne's house swimming.
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Post by MrOuch on Nov 7, 2007 22:41:54 GMT -5
Sorry, but I LOL over that one. I had this mental image of you smashing fingers in order to avoid P. Please avoid the P, but also avoid striking your fingers with hammers. Hope all is well otherwise. Applause for helping your mother and laying your story out for us to read. Just curious, what is your strategy for overcoming P and keeping it out of your life forever?
MrOuch
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DennisW
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Love God Hate Sin
Posts: 226
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Post by DennisW on Nov 8, 2007 23:03:23 GMT -5
MrOuch,
its okay that you laughed. I can see the humor in that as I enjoy slap stick humor. Three Stooges rock.
Some tempations today. I fought them off by staying busy.
Mom met with some realtors about selling the house. They don't think they can sell the house for what she needs to sell it for. I feel sad about that. I feel good that I was able to help out as much as I have been able to.
I miss my family. I am really looking foward to going home on saturday. I have one more day and I can see them again.
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DennisW
Full Member
Love God Hate Sin
Posts: 226
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Post by DennisW on Nov 9, 2007 20:27:25 GMT -5
I get to go home tomorrow. I can't wait to see my family again. I miss them very much.
I am very tired. I finished all but one project for mom. She was nice. She took me out for dinner at an expensive restaurant.
I want to finish packing for my early flight tomorrow. I don't know if I will be able to post after today. I will for sure post 11/26.
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