DennisW
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Post by DennisW on Oct 11, 2007 14:12:19 GMT -5
I have been thinking of writing out the history of my whole life. I thought that sharing this would help me grow. Without further delay, here is chapter one.
My whole story:
Chapter One
I was born in March of 1972 to a mother whom I have never met. I was adopted by the Ward family in April of 1972. I remember living in the trailer park. I remember feeling happy with my adoptive family. I had always known I was adopted. I later was told that my parents could not care for me. That was enough of an explanation for me. I was told that by my adoptive family that I was chosen by them. I felt good about that.
During the time I lived at the trailer park, I met a friend named “Jennifer.” I remember playing with her on the playground within the trailer park. I don’t remember being watched by anyone. Hey, it was the 70’s. There was a big truck tire buried half way in the ground. We could go inside and never be seen by anyone. I have a vague memory of her taking her pants off in the “big tire.” I’m not sure if anything else happened there.
I don’t remember moving to the house on Holton road. I remember feeling happy because I was with my mom all day long. Things changed around age five. No one in my family remembers the events that occurred. No one will confirm my memories. However, they have never left me.
I remember going camping with my grandparents; my mother’s mother and her second husband. I always have referred to them as Grandma and Grandpa Fultz. They loved square dancing. I remember being left alone while they square danced. It was a summer night. The large building the dance took place in was alive with music and couples dancing to the beat. Grandma Fultz told me to stay put and watch them dance.
After a period of time, I began to wander around due to boredom. I met up with an older boy. I have no idea who this person was. I have no idea what his name was. I have no idea how old he was at the time. I remember that we just started playing together, running up and down the hill near the Pole Barn where the dance took place.
I don’t know how he got me to do this, but somehow, he convinced me to take my pants off. He told me that his dad was a doctor. He told me that what he was doing was important for keeping me and him healthy. He began, for lack of better words, chewing on my penis. The next thing I remember was him saying, “Someone’s coming.” He told me to hide. Where do you hide on a hill? I stayed put and pretended that I could not see my grandmother looking down at me. I still had my pants off. She looked with a shocked expression, and left.
Next, I remember him taking me to the bathroom. He said again that his dad was a doctor and that after you do this, “you have to go pee.” I don’t remember if I ever peed. I do remember him trying to get me to, for lack of better words, chew on his penis. I refused and boy was he mad.
Later that night, I remember lying in grandma’s trailer, in my bed. Grandma told me to go to sleep. I was busy, lying on my stomach, rhythmically masturbating. Grandma said, “What are you doing? Stop that, and go to sleep.”
I have no memories following this. I don’t remember going home. I don’t remember telling anyone right away. I do remember that I continued to lie on my stomach and masturbate. I would stop playing in the living room and masturbate. I remember my mother telling me, “If you want to do that, you have to go to your room.” These events set the stage for many issues to come my way later in life.
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DennisW
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Post by DennisW on Oct 12, 2007 19:26:22 GMT -5
Chapter 2:
There are only a few important things to mention from ages 5 to 12.
I started going to school. I thought I was so smart in kindergarten because I read “Dick and Jane” to the class. During this year, my sister was adopted. She is an adopted sibling. We have no biological connection. However, I remember my mother asking me to watch her while she went to get the mail. I fed my sister while my mom was gone. She really expressed excitement that I was taking that much interest in my sister.
1st grade was at the “main” elementary school. I did not make many friends. I remember a bully there whom was trouble. During this year, my brother was adopted. He was an adopted sibling. I have no biological connection with my brother. My sister and I had fun with him because he had a bald head and he drooled a lot.
I had a change of schools grades 2 through 6. I made friends in grade 2. I became proud of myself for being a fast runner and for being able to “out sass” anyone. 3rd grade was an important year. My parents took me to AWANA. I had some fun there. I remember attending snack time in each grade level. That only worked one week, though. One good thing happened at AWANA. I accepted Christ into my life. I told my parents about it expecting them to be as excited as I was. They weren’t. As a result of my conversion, I made different friends. I started noticing the other students being picked on. I made friends with the kids being picked on. “Old friends” would have nothing to do with me, which has always been a bit of a sore spot for me.
I spent more time with a new friend, who also attended AWANA. Strange things occurred with this person. I don’t’ even like to mention the fact that we took baths together. We went around not wearing underwear while shooting a bow and arrow. We went swimming nude in the daytime at the lake. I look back on that and think, what was I thinking??!!
I pretty much felt like I was a friendless person grades 4 through 6. During my early childhood, I had a close friend who attended different school. She was an adoptee from another family. We became friends because her adoptive parents and my adoptive parents frequently got together to talk about there experiences adopting. Well, once, while playing in my upstairs bedroom, this friend, who is a girl, asked me to play doctor. She wanted both of us to take our clothes off. I refused. I guess that this is important to me because I wonder how my life could have been different as a teenager had I gotten used to an idea such as this one.
I remember struggling to find something to connect me with the “cool kids” again. During 5th grade, my uncle took me to Portugal. My uncle was a missionary there. He was coming back to the USA to be a pastor in Michigan. He preached a lot to me. I really looked up to him. I decided to become a pastor myself as I came back from Portugal.
Sixth grade, I attempted to fit in by trying to act like the “cool kids.” I really was rejected for this behavior, and it hurt a lot. My grades dropped. I was failing school. I tried even harder by asking a girl to be my girlfriend. Her rejection hurt quite a bit. I remember crying in the bathroom at school. I remember coming home later that day and my dad asked me what was wrong. He said, “you look as though you lost your best friend.” In my mind, I had. I never told my parents what happened. I was too embarrassed by the rejection.
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DennisW
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Post by DennisW on Oct 14, 2007 8:03:56 GMT -5
I'm too depressed to continue this autobiography at this time. I had intended on adding chapter three today. I have to try to re-balance myself before continuing. I was so depressed this weekend, that I had to force myself to be involved in family life.
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DennisW
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Post by DennisW on Oct 15, 2007 14:03:46 GMT -5
Okay dude, It's time to have a talk. You have been wallowing in your own self-pitty party all weekend. It is time to end this party. It is time to stop feeling sorry for yourself just because you can't make things happen your way. It is time to trust God. It is time to be grateful for what you have. You have a loving wife, who is devoted to you in her own way. You have three beautiful little kids who love you, who want nothing than just to play with you, and you have a great friend who has listened to all your whining. Okay.
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DennisW
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Post by DennisW on Oct 18, 2007 10:10:04 GMT -5
I am feeling closer to God today. I read my bible last night and have been praying last night and this morning. I feel less stress today than I have felt this past week. I think I will try to keep working on my autobiography. I would like to work on the next chapter today if I get a chance.
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DennisW
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Post by DennisW on Oct 18, 2007 20:41:50 GMT -5
Chapter 3:
Junior high. A time of a lot of time spent alone. I was the smallest 7th grader in school. I also felt very invisible. I spent a lot of lunch hours standing around, not talking to anyone. There are three pivotal events that occurred during this timeframe.
I don’t know what got into me, but I decided to try the wrestling team. I liked being on the team because it gave me a function. On the team, I got to fulfill the smallest weight class. I wrestled at 63 lbs. as a 7th grader and I’ve got the medal to prove it. I continued to have problems making friends, despite being on the team. There were teammates that I liked and tried to hang out with. I was mostly unnoticed.
I was very naive during this time as well. Sometimes, other students would be talking about kissing someone or taking someone to a dance. I accidentally stumbled into the bathroom once when three older students were smoking something that did not smell like cigarettes. I did not ask. I did not stay to relieve myself either. These were foreign concepts to me.
What was not foreign, was porn. I found my first porn magazine during this time. I found it on the side of the road. I hid it in my room, but was terrified that my parents would find it. I knew that there was something wrong with having it, but was still drawn to the images. I continued to masturbate as I had as a child. I eventually got rid of the magazine.
Something that really shook me up occurred waiting for the bus stop. I can remember it like it was yesterday. I was standing at the bus stop, three houses down from my house and across the street. We lived on a very busy road. Holton road as it was called was a state highway with a speed limit of 55. On mornings before school, cars would be zipping by one after another for hours and a high rate of speed. Anyway, I was watching traffic go by when I noticed a younger girl running down a side street towards Holton road. As she got closer to the road, I noticed that she was not looking at the traffic. I remember wanting to yell to her to stop. Everything was in slow motion. I could not believe my eyes when she ran out in front of traffic and was hit by a van. Everything stopped for a moment. Cars stopped. Some kids at the bus stop ran down there. Others kept screwing around. I actually got on the bus. I remember looking out the window and saw the girl lying lifeless on the road. A pool of blood surrounded her. A woman was running down the side street in her nightgown. I was kind of excited by this, and yet sad for the woman.
I did not talk to anyone at school about what happened. I just starred past the blackboard until an announcement about the accident was made. I went to the counselor’s office and eventually went home. I felt sad for the girl. I was upset at myself for not stopping it. I went to the funeral, but did not talk to anyone. A song that I listened to over and over again during this time saved me. The artist is Petra and the song title is “don’t let your heart be hardened.”
The latter part of junior high was darkened by a secret. I have not shared this with anyone, except God and my wife. During this time, my parents had exchange students. I became a voyeur. No female family member was spared from my peeping. I am so ashamed of this.
Okay, time to add somethings that were funny. I was swinging on a rope I tied up on a tree in the woods behind my house. The rope eventually broke, and I fractured my arm. I was playing basketball in the driveway with my dad and brother. There was a flood like above the basketball hoop. I was a terrible shot and broke it. Later on, dad took a grill grate and nailed it on over a repaired light. He "Dennis proofed" the new light. We had a teammate on the wrestling team with the last name as Bates. His nickname was "master." I used to yell during matches, "come on master bates!!" I did not realize what I was saying.
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DennisW
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Post by DennisW on Oct 20, 2007 7:53:18 GMT -5
Chapter 4: High school had a lot of highlights; some very positive. Some dark. I will begin with the dark so I can end the chapter with something positive. Continuing with the behaviors that I an ashamed with from chapter three; things got worse. My dad put in an above ground pool in the back yard. I spent a lot of time in that pool; swimming actually. Some negative behaviors went along with it. As my sister came into puberty, I had convinced her to expose herself to me. I did this on a number of occasions. That increased to include asking my cousins to participate. They did. That is not the worst. My parents gave us too much time alone. They had always put me in charge watching my younger brother and sister. One time, during one of these sessions with my sister, I asked her to pretend we were having sex to scare my brother. When he saw us, he did not return. I then asked her to for real have sex. I am very ashamed of this as well. I remember the expression on her face and the impact it had on our relationship. I felt awful and made efforts to quit viewing my family members and masturbating. This effort led to greater increase in focus on my relationship to God. I rededicated my life to Christ at church. My uncle was the pastor. What a blessing it was to have my grandmother (grandma Fultz) to go forward with me. I spent greater and greater amounts of time reading the Bible, praying, and “keeping my nose clean.” During one of these times praying, I was crying out to God. I had been struggling with stopping masturbating. I remember saying to God, “I can’t do this. I don’t deserve Your forgiveness. I am not worthy of Your love.” I remember hearing God say, “whatever happens, tell me.!!” I felt a huge relief and peace that is indescribable. When I turned 15, my parents bought me a car for my birthday. I was a rusted bucket of bolts that needed a lot of work. Dad and I spent time fixing it up. My other uncle helped us. He had a garage and allowed us to use a section of garage to work on it. My uncle’s brother worked on the car as well. It took a year for the car to be made ready. By 16, I had a car that still needed a lot of work, but was greatly upgraded from “bucket of bolts.” As I was trying to fit in socially, I continued with the wrestling team and joined the cross county team. I never took cross-county seriously as I thought of it as a way to get in shape for wrestling. Every day, I would come into the locker room saying, “practice is cancelled.” One day, I skipped practice. Me and by wrestling partner drove my oversized car into the woods to watch the rest of the team working out. That was some trick backing that car through the trail back onto the streets. Also, I tried a dance. I am not a dancer, but was desperate to make friends. I only went to one dance. A girl whom I had never seen before asked me to dance. (I had just been standing around.) We danced for half a song. Then, she asked me if I wanted to go to the car with her. I asked, “what for.” The look on her face was worth a million dollars. I was scared. She left. I stood around for a minute and left as well. I have always wondered what I would have gotten myself into had I gone to the car with her Also during age 16, I went on a mission trip with my youth group from church. We went to St. Croix Virgin Islands to help a sister church finish cleaning up after they had finished building their church building. It was hot there. It was soooo hot. We stayed in tents at a Boy Scout Camp. The camp was greatly deteriorated. There was a kitchen with a walk in freezer. After putting on shirts and ties for church, we would go stand in the freezer to cool off. The people who lived there thought that this was really funny. We spent time as well passing out brochures to homes. We would spend hours driving around to neighborhoods so we could pass out information about the church. We also spent time every day snorkeling. That was the best. I remember swimming in 30-foot deep water being able to clearly see the bottom. That is something that I will never forget. Socially, I felt lost with the youth group. I felt so dedicated to God and wanted everyone else to feel as dedicated as I was. I only listened to Christian music. I prayed and read my Bible every day. I was on Fire for God. A significant event happened at age 17. Because I was drawing so close to God and was staying clean of the above mentioned ashaming behaviors, I was for the first time allowing my personality to come out. I was developing as a wrestler as well. The team complimented me as the most improved wrestler. Coach took time to tell me directly once that he noticed that I was “coming out of that shell.” The attention frightened me as I had never learned to take a compliment. I receded somewhat as a result. Age 18. That was a cool time. I had a regular group of friends that year. We got together often to watch movies. We also ran together. (Dave showed me the most awesome place to run in my hometown. The route began in the woods, ran up a hill overlooking a swamp, came out along the beach, went up some sand dunes, and returned to the woods. This has been my all time favorite running route. Sometimes, when I am really down, I imagine myself running this route. Because friendships were developed through running, and because I had a natural ability to run, I fell in love with running.) I sold the car dad and I fixed up. I bought a used mustang with T-Tops. My uncle called it “the girl catching car.” I skipped school with my friends. I actually learned to relax a bit. I invited my friends to youth group and they went a few times. I graduated high school on a high note, looking forward to going to a Baptist College with the thought of becoming a youth pastor. That summer before college was equally high for me. I spent the summer at a Bible camp, working with the cleaning crew. When I was not working, I was running, reading my Bible, praying, or spending time with my “girlfriend.” I had never anticipated finding a girl who would like me. The problem was that she was 15. Man, I had the camp director, my direct supervisor, her dad, the program director, and my co-workers keeping an eye on us. I never kissed her because that was the rule. That was the summer that I had actually learned to allow myself to truly care for someone else. My heart was nearly broke when summer was over.
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Post by pac2544 on Oct 21, 2007 16:20:15 GMT -5
I hope you don't mind me posting here, DW. I , too, found Christ at an early age, but the pain of my youth led me to seek refuge in porn. I never married because of it. I didn't want to hurt anybody because of it, but i know I have. It is so hard to commit to anyone when you are an addict of any sort.
I think you have made a good choice coming here. This forum has opened my eyes to the fact that there are so many people out there that struggle with PA. To be a Christian and struggle with it can make you feel so shameful. I wish you success. I take it one day at a time. Some days I am more tempted than others. I would like to hear more of your story. It prompted me to write a bit of mine. PAC
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DennisW
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Post by DennisW on Oct 22, 2007 8:30:59 GMT -5
Thanks for the encouragement pac2544!! I will write more of my life as I have time for it.
Yesterday, I helped lead the children's program at church. By the time I got home, I had a headace. Two hours later I had a full blown migraine. I laid low all day because I had to. I had intended on watching the Lions game and then taking my kids to the park because it was a nice day. I couldn't take them as any time I got up, my head started to pound away.
I am tired today, but no headace. I am hopeful today.
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DennisW
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Post by DennisW on Oct 23, 2007 7:53:47 GMT -5
Last night, on the way home from work, my wife called me. She said, "I had a long day." Then she said, "When YOU get home YOU are going to have a long day." I felt like I was being accused of doing something wrong. She told me that sewage backed up into the basement. I said that I would take a look at it when I got home. I said, "If I can't clear out the blockage tonight I will stay home tomorrow and rent the machine." She said, "really, you will do that." I was offended by that. I had done that in the past. What was she doing accusing me of not staying home to fix things or to take care of the family!!! We hung up and I finished my drive home. (I have an hour long commute from work to home). I stopped at a home center and purchased an auger and some chemicals. When I came home, my wife had dinner on the table. Her mom was there to watch the kids. We went down in the basement and were able to clean out the blockage. I cleaned up the basement. I cleaned up the dinner table and put away leftovers. I gave her a back rub and we went to bed. Then, she started in on me about my reaction in the car. She said something about being mad at me for not understanding what she was mad about. I asked her what she was mad about. She said it was about being upset that I did not realize that she tried to fix the blockage without spending money. I told her that I had no idea what she did to fix the blockage without spending money until she told me while we were working on it together in the basement. What can I learn from this?
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DennisW
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Post by DennisW on Oct 24, 2007 12:21:50 GMT -5
I was tempted a lot yesterday, especially on the drive in to work. I was able to make it another clean day as I prayed a lot. I posted here. I kept reminding myself of the consequences. I stayed busy at work. I still have the same stressors. I have no clue how to resovle them. My course of action is to keep using stress management, praying, posting, talking to my best friend (we went running this morning and talked), reading the Bible, taking my medications, reading the book my wife picked out "What Women Want," playing with my kids, talking to my wife, etc. Hopefully, I can finish chapt five of my autobiography in the next couple of days.
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DennisW
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Post by DennisW on Oct 25, 2007 8:49:06 GMT -5
I have decided to finish chapter five tomorrow mornning. Today, I want to focus on current feelings of frustration. I am frustrated because my wife has been giving me books to read about being a better husband. Okay. I can understand that I have some things to work on. What I have struggled with is her attitude about change. She wants me to change without really working on herself. I have not wanted to spend as much time with her because of her attitude towards the time I spend with her. Her attitude has been for some time, "Here I am. Spend time with me. Make me have a self-esteem. By the way, I can't fix my self-esteem unless you work on me."
I have issue with this because what I learned from Al-Anon. The group meetings have helped me accept my responsiblity for my own feelings. I have been working on this for some time. All the while my wife refuses to work on this herself trying to force me to feel good about spending time with her-those character defects are hard to cope with, especially if she refuses to work on them.
So, I keep praying, "God, grant me the serentity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the this I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
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DennisW
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Post by DennisW on Oct 26, 2007 7:16:45 GMT -5
I woke up early today. I could not sleep. So, I finished chapter five:
Chapter 5:
As the summer began to wind down, I looked forward to starting college. I had always been under the spell of my uncle. Remember, he was the pastor of the church I was attending when I re-dedicated my life to God. Uncle wanted me to become a youth pastor, just as he had done. He said, “it is God’s will” and I believed him. I went to the same college as he had done. I entered the same program as he had done.
I will never forget the first few days living in the dorm at college. Only freshmen were allowed to move in so soon. There was a lot of excitement there. I tried to make friends, but found this difficult. On the way to school, I decided not to run with the cross-country team, thinking it would take too much time or that I was not good enough.
I was sitting on the couch staring out the window when an older student came bopping in. He announced, “does anyone here run and want to join the cross country team?” I was lonely. So, I got up and went running with the team that day. That was one of my best decisions that year.
Running was great. I made friends. I learned to challenge myself. I finally figured out a lesson that kept me a mediocre wrestler in high school. I struggled in high school with the idea of “turn the other cheek.” I thought that I was supposed to give the opponent a chance to beat me. I was so afraid to tell anyone this, that I struggled with this in silence. In cross-country, I finally resolved this-“whatever you hand finds to do, do it all to the glory of God.” Besides, I found that running was something that I could do pretty well. I ran hard every practice. I was blessed because I remained free from injury. Previous to joining the team at school, my fastest 5K time was 18:36. That first year, I beat the coach in the “Beat the Dean challenge.” I ran a 17:05 5K!!! I was given a certificate and earned second place on the team.
Note: since I was away from home, in a town I was not familiar with, and, the internet was still in its infancy, porn was not an issue here. Lust, on the other hand, could have been more of an issue-There were cute woman all over the place. But, I went to a Christian school that had a policy about what people can wear or not wear. I went to chapel every day. I had a very close relationship to God. I did struggle with masturbation from time to time, but this was rare. The rooms were small. Privacy was limited. I did not want to get caught doing that!!
That year, I decided that I needed some spending money. I applied for the work-study program and got a job as a janitor. I was first assigned to clean the classroom building. My job was to buff the floors. One night, as I was cleaning, I heard the most beautiful singing voice that I had ever heard. She was singing “Amazing Grace” in the bathroom while she cleaned. I thought, “I gotta meet that girl!!”
I got brave. I had little experience with dating. I talked to our top runner on the team, who was the closest person to me at the time. He wanted to date someone to. We decided to try a double date. Our first date was somewhat of a disaster that turned out. I got lost looking for a certain pizza joint. Since I did not know the town very well and I was terrible with directions, I got lost. I finally stopped at a different pizza place that turned out to be a pretty cool place. It had a HUGH pipe organ that played automatic songs.
To make a long story shorter, that girl I dated would later accept my proposal for marriage. We continued dating our freshman year. To make sure she was the one for me, I told her my history. I told her about the attempted incest with my sister. I figured she was the right one because she loved me despite my sin.
We were separated between freshman year and sophomore year. I took some classes in my hometown and worked two jobs for the summer. She worked in another stated at Bible Camp. We wrote letters. After the summer ended, she drove to my hometown-an 8 hr drive-to see me. We wanted to keep seeing each other, so we did. While she was there, she supported me in asking my sister for forgiveness for the attempted incest. My sister was not expecting this and cried. Then, I really knew she was the right one for me.
Later that year, her parents came from their hometown to my parents house-a 5 hr drive. We went out for supper together. The place my dad picked turned out to be an awful place-hadn’t been properly decorated since the late 60’s. But, I was in love. I asked her dad for her daughter’s hand in marriage. He turned pure white. His mouth dropped to the ground. He squeaked out, “yes.” Right then and there, I asked her to be my wife (my best decision of college). She said, “yes!!” Whooo hoooo!
Later that spring, I changed my major. I decided that I was not being called to be a youth pastor. My uncle was calling me to be a youth pastor. Since I was so far along in my program, I decided to finish. I realize this is confusing. Technically, I changed majors. In reality, this change allowed me to receive state funds for school. I went from a Bachelor of Religious Education to a Bachelor of Arts in Religion. So, I was not going to be a youth pastor, but I still did not know what I was going to do with my degree.
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DennisW
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Post by DennisW on Oct 27, 2007 16:24:39 GMT -5
Slept 10 hrs last night. Guess I was tired. Home with the kids, wife, and mother in law today. I find myself playing a lot of computer games, not really talkative today.
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