|
Post by amaninfull on Sept 18, 2007 18:22:33 GMT -5
Hey, friend,
I love how you use this journal to strengthen your determination. I can practically see your jaw set as you write.
Sounds like your wife is using your admission of porn addiction against you as much as she can short of blackmail and slander. There may or may not be legal remedies - your lawyer (if you don't have one yet, get one immediately!) can tel you - but for the most part, the only recourse we have against trash-talk is to carry ourselves with dignity. Over time, reasonable people will judge her by her actions, and judge you by yours.
Meanwhile, draw the line with her and don't give an inch, is my advice. No more financial support of any sort. Don't leave town unless and until you've decided there's somewhere you'd rather be.
But you know all this.
Sounds like you got slammed in the public forums. Many people do not have experience with someone who is pathological and abusive, so they cannot imagine what it is like - they only know their own feelings of anger. Also, because "reverse abuse" is so little discussed in the world, there tends to be a very strong bias in people's (men's and women's) thinking, towards the notion that men are always the abusers, and women always the abuse victims. It virtually never occurs to most people that the reverse could be true; therefore, they fit what they hear into their conception of things. "I'll bet that even your wife has sinned," indeed.
Keep taking care of business. I'm rooting for you.
AMIF
|
|
|
Post by timoteiy on Sept 19, 2007 10:06:43 GMT -5
Thanks Sunshine
I really get wrapped up in self hatred. It has crippled me really. I have such a dim view of myself that I don't have the confidence to get anything done. I know it is better to see my sobriety, indeed my life, 'one day at a time', so I don't get so twisted about what I screwed up in the past and how its going to turn out in the future.
Amaninfull,
As far as charging someone for slander is concerned, I have looked into the law here (Canada) Basically, I would have a very hard time getting a conviction for slander unless someone actually writes it down, or if it effects my employment etc. Slinging mud by small town slander is pretty hard to convict. I can't keep defending myself against it, so I have to just keep away.
I really don't want to fall into either a victim or abuser trap. I am trying to keep my head up, deal with things, not hide from people.
Amaninfull- you hit it on the head, and since you have read more of my story than others you know. It is true that I have caused alot of damage to my relationship with my wife because of this sex addiction, and as so I could be seen as abusive. Many people in this forum, S.O.'s and addicts, focus on this abuse, which is understandable. After all, this is not a forum about other types of abuse, such as verbal, physical, authoritarian, etc. And the common theme is that men are the abusers. I have seen my wife go into COUNTLESS uncontrollable rages- smashing house windows and my truck with an axe, hitting me with phones, dishes, shoes, propane bottles, punching, kicking, kicking me out of the car, trying to run me over.....the list goes on endless.
And here's the responses I get: We tell a pastor together and the pastor and my wife laugh.... My wife attacks me, I hold her down, tell her to stop, then let her go, she dials 911, hang up, the [police show up, and even though she admits to attacking me, and making a threat about calling 911, I am force to leave the house . A marriage counsellor hears the stories about my wife's rage and consequently focuses on how "her needs aren't met" and how I can do things to show my appreciation. My wife attacks me physically when I go to bed, IN THE MIDDLE OF SEX she explodes in rage. All because I haven't been appreciative enough? Because of my porn addiction? I was literally so afraid of the sex act with my wife that I often was unable to perform, which triggered more of her rage..... HOw do I discern how much of this was a cause of my sexual addiction and how much was fear for my life? That's going to take some time to figure out. And I know better than to go to that general forum for the answers I go to the general forum and I hate the label that I am the abuser. I get called down for "being the one that plays the victim" If only I wasn't more appreciative, give her what she deserves, not be an addict. Its so hard to unravell all that crap. I have to focus on what I need to change in myself, without taking on the blame for others. Anywhere that people talk to you about personal issues when they don't really know you there is a danger of typecasting, blaming...
Something happened yesterday that has caused another negative twist to my circumstances.
While going through this emotional turmoil, I have been training to be a locomotive engineer on the most trecherous mountanous subdivision on the continent. MAJOR STRESS ! Yesterday 3 of us (my trainer, a conductor and I) were bringing a 17,000 Ton Coal train down the mountain. I have to keep focused and not distracted, and of course we were talking away. The three of us missed a signal telling us we had to stop at the next one, and by the time we saw the next signal it was too late. I put the train air brake system in emergency but it was too late. By the time the train stopped we were past the signal. We were thinking of jumping off the train because we feared a collision was imminent. Luckily there was nothing there. There was a whole bunch of national big wigs at the home station doing safety analysis! We had a preliminary interview with union leaders present and are now out of service (no job) pending the formal investigation. Its no consolation to me that we were all 3 at fault. Each one of us individually are at fault for not seeing the signal. I think I'll end up getting raked over the coals because they know about my seperation with my wife and the emotional turmoil I have been going through. They know about anti-depressants I have been on. This is a safety critical job so they have access to any information from my doctor. There will be blood drug tests (I'm clean) interviews, cousellors, time off work. Most likely I'll end up kicked out of the training program, but hopefully 'll get my job back. In short I'm FKed.
I went to a restaurant after the preliminary investigation and ran into a guy I know that builds sawmills. while talking he asked me about a wood boiler I had. I told him I was split up with my wife, but I had removed my boiler because I had designed upgrades to make it more efficient, less poluting.. and I had mountains of parts fro the design but wasn't going to complete it because of the design. Long story short I'm going over to his shop this morning to see If I could design the system into his shop ( radiant heated flooring) , sell him parts in exchange for cash and use of his shop and materials to build some hydraulic equpment I need for my business. I guess I'll just have to go with the flow and mabe 'g get some work with my business while this investigation keeps me off work.
One day at a time?
|
|
|
Post by timoteiy on Sept 20, 2007 16:47:59 GMT -5
I feel really sick today about what a horrible road this addiction has taken me down. I feel bad about my wife and my kids.
No, I didn't slip. I'm sober, clean, all my knuckles are white.....
I am trying to do these stupid blueprints and a design and estimate at this employment center.
I had a plan. I was going to sell this boiler, exchanger, pump, and dozens of other components along with a plan, get the money to buy myself some time with all the debts, arrange a birthday party for my son, some of his friends and fathers,( a hike, overnight campout, and paint ball tournament) then jump on my dilapitated motorbike and hightail it down to the coast (400 miles- 600 kilometers)to get some sexual recovery meetings in and perhaps get admitted to a 7 week recovery program 5,000 kilometers away, visiting my mother who just got out of the hospital for a hip replacement. All in 3 days.
I was prompted by my desire to escape the formal investigation into the work incident the other day. I ended up talking to the union guy ( I was going to avoid him), another guy that is implicated in the incident, and my former trainer. I decided to stay and take my lumps, then try to get away. I have to come up with 26-2800 dollars every month to pay for my wife to stay in the house, with debts and mortgage, and my training wage is around 3200 dollars, leaving me 400 dollars, which doesn't even feed me. I wish I could get away, visit my family (mother, sister, brother, cousins, aunts). I just want to be around some people that care about me. I want to get some clean time, some help.
Its raining now, and the report show rain through the weekend. That kills the camping plan with the father son plan. I'll have to modify that.
It also kills the escape plan with the motorbike.
I'm already working on a plan for alternative employment, because I need to get out of this situation, make some extra money.
I think I'll be kicked out of the training program because of this incident. Its allmost a year of constant training down the tube.
Either way, I contacted a specialist in Sex addiction in Vancouver, who told me I could get a referal from a general practicioner to an addictions specialist doctor who would do an assesment, and determine whether I was eligible for funding to go to a 7 week long sexual addictions recovery program in Toronto. (ITs been 30 years since I made it that far away from home.) It would take 2 months for the process at least, and so I would have to get a Leave of Absence from my job (if I'm not allready fired), get on this medical leave company/union welfare program, get another job under the table to keep paying the bills back home and go to 'a meeting every day' in the big city. So I get 1500 dollars for this job, that buys some time, and between the welfare program and another job in the big city (I am a very resourceful person when I want to be.), I'll be able to get through the proccess and get some recovery.
Whom am I kidding. I need help. It is very much a long shot that I could pull this off, but the alternative is to keep plodding along. I'm greatful that I live in a country where universal health care is still present, even if it is being eroded.
I got to get this deal sold, see the Employee and Family Assistance Counsellor, the Family doctor, the job (400 miles away), the birthday party. THe formal investigation..... among other things.
|
|
|
Post by arctic on Sept 20, 2007 17:54:23 GMT -5
Hi Tim,
It's pretty incredible to read about the events in your life. You're going through a lot, but now with all the addictive behaviours out of the way, I have no doubt that you will pull through. And like you quoted elsewhere, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I believe that when you emerge from all this, you will be one fine and wise individual. You seem to like to write. Perhaps one day you will write an inspirational book on how you made it through against all odds. Perhaps you might become involved in bringing non-judgemental, non-12 step face-to-face addictions help to those in need, since you now know how difficult it is to find any the way things are now(I've certainly given this idea some thought).
I think that you're a very good man Tim. I will continue to follow your story.
Your friend, Arctic
|
|
|
Post by timoteiy on Sept 21, 2007 15:13:35 GMT -5
Thank Artic. I need all the encouragement I can get. I posted in our accountability circle about how to deal with an angry wife. I'm going to do some of it today, advise or not. I have to get on with arranging something for my son's birthday.
If I don't learn to cope with my wifes verbal assaults I will not be a father to my kids, period. I have avoided her on the advise of a counsellor, and some here.
My wife says I had 'plenty of oportunity to get better when we were together' She is sensitive to that because her father didn't get help for his alcoholism until her parents divorced. Looking back, I was so enmeshed in defending myself against attacks for so many years, so tired of her trying to take control of how I got better. SHe was trying to help in her way but the methods she enforced made me feel like a freak, contributing to my feeling of alienation/isloation and shame, which remains the biggest trigger to taking me back to my addiction.
Now she has a boyfriend although she thinks I don't know. It is someone she knew and I have met. I remember when I started going out with her she had split up with another husband. She told me about how abusive he was and I felt so wonderful to rescue her. Because he had a violent streak ( he killed a guy with a pool cue while in a drunken rage) I wonder now if she chose me because I'm alot bigger than him. I hope her next boyfriend is not bigger and not a violent one! I also hope that he's got money, so I'm not faced with supporting him and her out of the money that I give for the children.
|
|
|
Post by unico on Sept 21, 2007 17:27:55 GMT -5
hi Timoteiy, thanks for your post in my journal. You are spot on with regard to your comments about lonliness. Porn justs adds to our isolation. Don't let any of my comments against 12 step programmes put you off. I think if you find anything that positively helps you in tackling your addiction then go with it. I borrow a bit here and a bit there from whatever I have seen here than has a resonance for me. I think it may have actually helped in my resolve to remain porn free that I felt so out of step with many on this board in my approach.
Like a maninfull I'm rooting for you too.
unico
|
|
|
Post by amaninfull on Sept 21, 2007 20:56:21 GMT -5
Hey, man,
I'm sorry about the screw-up on the job. I hope you get to continue with the training.
It sounds like you have a Plan B - something about a wood boiler, radiant heat...blueprints... I'd like to hear more about it. Perhaps this will offer a good opportunity.
I know your addiction has had some bad results, and you are certainly right to own that. I want to be careful that I'm not opening a door for excuses. But it also seems like there was another major dynamic at play that has had some bad results: the choice you made about who to marry and have kids with (and probably some choices along the way as to how to handle that relationship.)
I know you were being rhetorical when you asked how much of her abusive behavior was caused by your addiction, but I have a real answer: none of it. Just as you made your choices about whether to indulge your addiction, she made her choices about how to express her anger. And her abusive behavior played a significant part in leading to the current situation, perhaps as much or more than your addictive behavior. Furthermore: your addictive behavior has stopped, and you are actively working to improve the situation; her abusive behavior has not stopped, and she is actively working to make the situation worse.
Let me repeat: I'm not trying to take you off the hook. You wouldn't let me anyway. What I'm trying to do is help you achieve a perspective on your situation that will allow you more choices about how to react.
This is a violent, abusive person. Because you have children together, you must deal with her, but the more distance you can have from her, physically, emotionally, and psychologically, the better off you will be. Think of your kids. They need to have the experience of a parent who carries himself with dignity and who will offer a safe harbor. Fight for them if you must.
Although it may be a good time for you to get out of that town and clear your head for a few days, it may not be the best time to go away for two months. It sounds like you have the worst acting-out behaviors more or less under control; perhaps now is the time to focus on stabilizing your life a little more.
Sorry if I come on with all this advice. I see a good man trying really hard, and my instinct is to want to help in the small way I can - with words and thoughts.
Hang in there, brother.
AMIF
|
|
|
Post by timoteiy on Sept 22, 2007 13:49:33 GMT -5
Thanks Unico and Amaninfull
I am going to find away to get some help in face to face meetiings, and into a sexual recovery treatment center if possible. If they are A.A. so be it. I can take what I need and leave the rest. Its way better for me to go to A.A. that any of the religious stuff I've experienced, its moe honest.
I have to get Legal matters accomplished first, take my lumps at work, find a job in the big city, get a leave of absense at work etc, get the appointment for the assessment with the addictions specialist doctor, etc. I would like to get it all done by the end of October, which is about the time I will have to vacate the motorhome I sleep in.
I am paying off debts and living homeless. I want to make sure that it is documented that I am paying off my half of the debts, and that I am providing child support. I also want the common assets that we have to be negotiated as to who gets what. (at present, I have nothing.
My wife had no responsibility regarding my addiction. I just find it easier to get myself sober without the constraints she had placed on me.
Similarly, I am not responsible, because of having this addiction, for my wife's anger. She may find it easier to deal with her anger without me around too.
|
|
|
Post by ≈ cease4peace ≈ on Sept 22, 2007 13:54:38 GMT -5
timoteiy,
Things will get better. Even though your homeless, look how strong you are? You're not MB'ing or P'ing, you're being smart and making sure things are documented, you're accomplishing legal matter,s and you're going to get support.
I do the same with the 12, I recognize them as a tool that has some good stuff and some stuff I'm not going to take home with me. The most important thinhg about those groups is that I can be around men who are in a simliar situation. It helps me SO MUCH, releases the burden, when I can confess to other people.
I'm glad you are working on YOU, despite your living condition.
|
|
|
Post by timoteiy on Sept 22, 2007 14:40:01 GMT -5
Thanks Ceaseforpeace,
I am stumbling, but I hope it is in the right direction.
I have to deal with the whole A.A. thing in my head because I was so turned off by it for so long. IT is infinitely better as a way to get out of isolation than the religious avenues I was involved in, because people are more honest about their struggles and I can identify, instead of feeling like an outcast when being preached to.
|
|
|
Post by ≈ cease4peace ≈ on Sept 22, 2007 14:52:25 GMT -5
You're doing good, I really believe in you. I know you'll get through this. Things are hard now but they WILL get better. I certainly hate the outcast feeling, and I couldn't make it without this site, and my mens group, because I can let things off my chest without being preached at. There's a lot of people that want to help, but unfortunately they haven't a clue about what you're going through. All I can say is you're really inspiring me because you're going through so much right now but you still have plans, and you have goals, and you have hope. Keep up the great work!
|
|
|
Post by timoteiy on Sept 23, 2007 10:35:57 GMT -5
Thanks Ceasefor peace. You understand the 'outcast feeling' as you call it? I live in a small town and my wife has spread the word about my addiction since we split up. I am either avoided or I get condescending talk. I get instantly angered when I think of this, and I feel the urge to take their inventories.... I can't go there. I hate sympathy too, really; its found between sh#t and sypholus in MY dictionary.
Got through another lonely night without acting out.
My son wanted me to go out to dinner with him, some of his friends, my daughter, and ... my wife.. I couldn't do it. He said she wanted him to ask me. I don't believe it would be a very good situation. A birthday party with his friends, my daughter..... I know my wife, and if she gets 'triggered' to anger (it doesn't take much), she'll start taking pokes at me, even if there is a bunch of kids trying to have a birthday party. Its not worth ruining my son's party, even if he wants me there. It is so tragically sad that my kids still want us to get back together.
It does make sense that we would have an amicable arrangement around the kids. I want to work towards that, but there are legal battles coming up and this is definitely not the time...
|
|
|
Post by amaninfull on Sept 23, 2007 13:45:50 GMT -5
I agree with your decision to not be in a social situation with your wife, even though it meant time away from your kids. I think you are right to draw the line at a minimum of interaction, only when necessary for logistical reasons. Ultimately your kids will understand and appreciate your stand, as, in a sense, it helps them, too.
An amicable arrangement around the kids is, of course, desirable. It does take two, though. Has she indicated that she sincerely wants this, too?
You're going to be fine. You're being sane in your handling of everything. You're walking out of that ditch one step at a time.
|
|
|
Post by timoteiy on Sept 24, 2007 9:25:25 GMT -5
Amaninfull,
Although it would be a mistake to call my wife's anger 'righteous', there is a certain amount of that anger that I would consider to be 'expected'. In thinking that I had to protect myself from her I was consistantly dishonest. I denied, denied, denied. It was crazy making for her. I'm not excusing the verbal and physical assaults that I recieved. I'm just trying to admit my part because I need to keep my integrity
It is hard going through the wreckage of my marriage to admitt my wrongs. The hurt is so strong that my first reaction is to strike back, to fight accusations with accusations, to protect myself. But I find myself time and time again protecting my addiction, the part of me I want to say goodbye to.
Its getting colder here at night allready and there's fresh snow showing up on the mountaintops. I have to get on with my plans--today I will try to seal a business deal, tommorow I drive 2.5 hours on my motorbike to another town to see a lawyer, the next day I have the hearing for work. Friday the doctor, hopefully I can get plans in place for recovery. I still don't have a winter home yet. I live in a snowbelt, even with the obvious warming in recent years we still get 19 feet of snow on average per year. I want to get out of here to get some help for my addiction, for my depression, my lack of mental clarity before the cold and snow force me out of my home and restrict my movement.
I hate my shame.
|
|
|
Post by timoteiy on Sept 24, 2007 18:05:36 GMT -5
I think I sealed a deal with a guy to build a wood fired boiler and heating system for his machine shop, and hopefully made a good contact with a good guy. I have alot of machinery to build in the future if I ever get out of this emotional turmoil.
Saw my son after school, Talked to my daughter , went to work. Sober another day
I keep noticing a feeling of dis-ease, discomfort, and I worry that my addiction is trying to spring to life again... I need some improvements in my life to keep away from the nagging doubts about my sobriety.
I'm not acting out--day 8 I think--- no masturbation, I haven't looked at porn for over a month now. I need to keep in mind that even though I have this nagging feeling of discomfort, I still am doing way bettter than I was a week ago when I only had one day sobriety.
|
|