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Post by unico on Dec 7, 2007 15:47:49 GMT -5
hey Tim good to see you back. i have missed your postings. Keep using this resource daily as I have found just being here keeps in a no-porn mentality i.e. posting/reading here keeps me away from the stuff. Lets achieve the 7 day goal in the Secular Circle, and move into double digits. We need each other here
take care
Unico
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Post by LookingUp on Dec 7, 2007 16:11:58 GMT -5
Tim, Congratulations on doing the next right thing.... by coming back and commiting to sobriety again. Glad you're reaching out to others again.
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Post by arctic on Dec 7, 2007 18:34:22 GMT -5
Hi Tim
Finally you return my friend! Welcome back, I've missed you. I too plunged into the depths some time ago, but I'm now crawling my way back up again. It's so damn difficult to break the cycle though, as you would know a bit too well right now, but it can be done. I know because I've broken the cycle recently, and so has Rockwell. Tim you really have to quit messing around and join us again. We need your presence and support around here, okay? Most of all we need your incredible fighting spirit. Now THAT has always been truly inspiring. So get back on board and give that damn AV the finger. No more rationaLIESing mate.
Your friend, Arctic
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Post by timoteiy on Dec 17, 2007 2:00:23 GMT -5
wow. I am feeling alot emotional from these posts. I miss this place. I have lost that edge and I have to force myself back here when I get the chance ( the computer is taken over by 3 others here) I have not just slipped with porn, or masturbation, but more steadily I have slipped into isolation in my thoughts and feelings, which I am well accustomed.
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Post by LookingUp on Dec 17, 2007 9:59:18 GMT -5
It's great you are recognizing the isolation and how that is a part of the slip/binge process. Have you written a Sobriety Plan? If so, are you updating it as you discover new information about the slope back into the pit?
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Post by rockwell on Dec 17, 2007 11:37:21 GMT -5
Tim,
Make a committment NOT to have a porn filled Christmas. You need to add to all of your plans - YOUR RECOVERY! You have a plan for finanances, your son, your living arrangements, your house. NOW FOCUS ON YOU!
YOUR COMMITMENT to yourself needs to be paramount in order to accomplish everything you need to do in the rest of your life. Your fatherhood, your job, getting out of debt. The success on all of these other things hinges on you having a stable emotional outlook. And you can only have that if you are sober minded. NO POT, NO DRUGS< NO PORN!
Do this for your son. You have enough challenges ahead outside of your own addiciton issues. BE SOBER FOR YOUR SONS SAKE.
I know this is hard for you but it will be all the harder without a firm committment on your part to renounce the stronghold of porn in your life and turn in the opposite direction. YOU KNOW THIS! STOP THE PITY PARTY NOW and get your butt in gear!
Make a firm commitment that you will do all that it takes to become sober and stay that way. Please journal every day, multiple times if needed. Please post to your friends in the Secular Circle, because even though you cannot see us or interact with us live, we are fellow strugglers and we are your friends. And we care. And we are all committed to each other to pull each other out of that filthy mucky pit.
I had a relapse myself 20 days ago and it sucked coming out of it. I am not as optimistic as I used to be and I am moody all because of this 2 day bindge I put myself through. It will take time for me. So I know what coming out of a relapse feels like. But it is better than living a life of trash. YOU DESERVE BETTER< YOUR SON DESERVES BETTER.
I expect you to make a decision and stick to you. I am here for you and you are in my prayers right now.
Your friend,
rockwell
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Post by timoteiy on Dec 28, 2007 13:06:15 GMT -5
I really appreciate the support here . I found it hard to get on the computer with my mother and brother staying her and the dynamics in this household was terrible. My family doesn't talk about things personal. My brother reacts defensively and my mother reacts with advise, there is very little sharing. I recongnise the problem in myself and want to get back into changing my patterns, whether by therapy or by learning to reach out. My slips have been regular, and I don't need any more research to know that I cannot look at porn.
External factors like my job and looking after my son have kept me from going full out into a porn feast, but without these, with total independance, and isolation, with the lust beast craves, would send me into porn oblivion.
I have to commit to an accountability partner. I need someone whom understands this problem that I can be accountable to, using the software. Clearly, when I stay away from porn and masturbation, when I fight off the tendency to isolate, my mood and demeaner improves. The poor misguided beast is pushing me towards self destruction, using my own logic, and the philosophy that bull(expletive) baffles brains.
I had a lonely christmas. I tried to numb my thinking with some wine. I'm too cheap to think about keeping mysel drunk, but it weakened me enough to get me back into looking at porn. I have stopped that. I have sent my son by airplane up to see my ex-wife and then went back to work. I have been trying to make enough money to get ahead of the bills enough to buy my son a used snowmobile. She asked me before christmas what I was getting him, and without thinking I told her my plans. Next thing I know, I hear that she gets this guy she is with to buy him a snowmobile. I had also saved some money to send to her. Me thinks I am playing the part of a martyr.
Anyways, I have come up with a plan, in the interm, that all the things that I have to do to survive and help my kids will involve other people. I am going to get help in the renovations, from time to time, in order to have 'accountability' for doing things. There is the friend that will be helping me with the building of equipment for getting a side business of the ground. I have committments to him.
Right now I have to keep off the Pity Pot (thanks Rockwell) and keep moving. I have to drive to Montana and pick up a snowmobile I bought for my son next week. I got an all wheel drive vehicle but the tires are poor, and we are being pounded with snow here. It is a 2 day drive. I need to book off work so I am working as much as I can now, which is posible because everyone is trying to get time off for Christmas.
I am more that just a porn addict. I have done good things in my life. I have lived throught hell and picked myself up by the bootstraps. I have accomplished alot and I have lost alot. I have to keep going. I have to help the ones I love.
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Post by rockwell on Dec 28, 2007 14:54:38 GMT -5
HI Tim,
Please register at the new support board as this one will be closing soon and you will not be able to post there. There are still openings in the new secular circle so register soon in order to keep your spot. See you there.
rock
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