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Post by timoteiy on Sept 5, 2007 14:57:02 GMT -5
Thanks for the encouragement AMIF 1. I'm still alive. You might have to hold a stick up in line with me to see if I'm moving... I'm going to work, posting, slowly getting to legal matters. I found someone else I can talk to about my addiction here. Not so much about the 'triggers' or anything, but the feelings, and struggles etc. Also another guy going through a divorce, whom I work with, our sons are friends and I have played paintball and hung around abit, tried to contact me on my cell but I was driving the train out of cell range. His wife was really miserable with him before they split -up. He may have similar problems as us? I'm making contacts again. I was so isolated for so many years. In addition, my new trainer is a non-drinking alcoholic, I've known him for 15 years (totally by chance). I have to force myself to self disclosure instead of blaming. These people won't do me any good if I can't be open about what is going on (addictions, inability to cope and get basic things in life done etc.)
I have broken my goals down into smaller achievable bits and have been forcing myself to accomplish at least a few a day. I one thing gets held off, (say I have to wait to talk to someone before making a decision on what to do etc.) I just have to move on to the next thing. It is alittle like retraining myself to be motivated after such a long and protracted depression.
I worked 18 hours straight yesterday and got home at 4 in the morning. I could only sleep 4 hours so ended up downtown. I go to this buffet place that has a big nourishing buffet breakfast on for cheaper than I can make it myself, and I can post her when there with the free internet. The cook is a friend of mine, and alot of people I know come in for coffee and conversation. I haven't done this for years.
Now I need to commit to another day sober and get some more things done. I go to work again tonight! I think I will be able to qualify on the toughest subdivision soon, by the end of the month I hope. I got real bad reports, scary ones in fact, when I was going throught the worst of it with my wife. I am taking that slow because I'm not stable enough to handle her flipping out without screwing up at work and getting my qualifying date pushed back again, or getting kicked out of the program altogether. But I have a plan, its coming together, and I'll get afew more things done on it today then have a nap before work.
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Post by amaninfull on Sept 5, 2007 17:26:23 GMT -5
Great. You're still alive. You've got a plan. You're putting one foot in front of the other. You've got some money coming in, a roof over your head, a couple people to talk to. You'll make it out of this hole you've dug.
I've been down in a hole, not so long ago. I didn't know how I was going to get out of it, but I put one foot in front of the other. Now I can look around and see daylight. This day will come for you, too.
AMIF
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Post by timoteiy on Sept 7, 2007 18:03:52 GMT -5
Thanks for dropping by AMIF
I got in late last night from work, slept in, had a chat with the guy that let me stay in his motorhome, left another message at the lawyers, went to the coffee shop, library,. I got a book- MAKING IT Happen, about making goals, and I'm going to get a new 'planner' so I can use it as a means to order my thinking and get myself achieving things again.
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Post by timoteiy on Sept 8, 2007 9:57:29 GMT -5
I awoke in the middle of the night thinking about the horror of my life AGAIN. I couldn't sleep- insomnia has become the most dangerous condition for me and all my slips since recovery have happened when I couldn't sleep. Instead of slipping with masterbation I got up and went out at 3 a.m., bought a coffee at the 24 hour store, went and sorted out some paper work and made some plans.
I am cooling down now but I was sooo angrey. I hate that I allowed myself to be stomped on and living homeless because of the shame I feel about this addiction. I'm a porn addict. I have masterbated and fantasied as a means of escape from loneliness and shame about myself long enough. I hate this fking disease. I hate being twisted by lust. I'm sick to death of living a tortured life because I think I deaserve it. I hate that my wife was able to use this addiction to shame me and take everything away from me and then hang around all the pretentious fking religious types feeling righteous. I hate myself for being so afraid that of her condemnation and gossiping that I hid away. I hate the phonies.If they aren't my friends, I don't want to hear the sermons. Mabe I should go around shedding light on all their fking addictions, or on my wife's addictions. I can't do that because I would end up fking slipping again. (expletive)s! (expletive)es!
I don't like the tone of some of th responses here neither. People pointing fingers, they don't share what's inside. Ignorant. I'm doing it too, right now. I hate myself for that.
I hate the idiots who set up a kangerou court with a hanging jury to give themselve the monopoly on righteous anger. I hate myself for blameshifting, then I hate myself for being a milksop pushover by not standing up for my rights.
I'm sick and twisted. Porn. Objectifying and victimizing women. And men. I'm sick of being objectified as a fking cash cow jhn work til you drop idiot to pay for the guilt of objectifying women etc. etc.
I ended up at the restaurant (in a hotel) and hour before it opened, (I know the cook) and started to post here. The waitress came in, said, "you're on that computer again?" " you've got a serious problem- you've got a computer addiction!" I looked at her , and was pissed off. She seemed so gregarious I though she was drunk. Next thing you know the owner of the restaurant comes in and sends her home-- she's on drugs and booze, from the night before! I'm really pissed off now! Calls me an addict on the computer and she's on crack or something herself! Now I'm mad at all the hypocrits, myself included.
If I can't stop being angry, so be it. At least I stayed away from another slip.
I don't know when I will be called to go to work- it could be any minute or I may not go til this afternoon, so I'll se some of the energy inherant in this anger to get some stuff done in the battle with the seperation.
Who fking cares if I starve to death> ANSWER: ME. I've been working, studying and saving all my life; I lived so full of shame and naievity that I let and enraged woman come and steal all my gold. Bull(expletive) on that. Here I am, "oh I'm such a sinner, a bad person, I don't deserve anything. How's about I live in self-imposed slavery to make up for it? Please don't hit me. Don't say such mean stuff" PHHH What kind of submissive (expletive) am I?
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Post by amaninfull on Sept 9, 2007 17:59:56 GMT -5
Timoteiy,
Good for you. You should be pissed off. There are a lot of things to be angry about, and you can use that great energy to motivate yourself to change things. And you are.
You are, man. You're taking it on. You stay firm, stay focused, and persevere, and I promise you, one day you will wake up and realize you've created a great life for yourself. I promise you.
By the way, even though it ticked you off, that story about the waitress's hypocrisy actually made me smile. People are so foolish sometimes (including me!)
Take care of yourself. Try and get some sleep. (Relaxation exercises with breathing can help a lot.) Keep taking control of your finances and (as much as possible with your job) your time.
You go, man.
AMIF
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Post by timoteiy on Sept 11, 2007 15:45:21 GMT -5
Thanks AManinful
I've calmed down from my spell of anger but I think I've kept abit of the energy. At its peak all the damage I did was to take on an elder in the general forum and mabe get a few S.O.'s pissed off. In the end the discussion over there didn't get anywhere and the discussion ended with the consensus I was playing a victim.
Last night I went to bed early in my borrowed motorhome. I thought I had to go to work at around 2 o'clock in the morning. I have been trying hard to make sure I get enough rest because I don't want to screw up my training. I was deathly afraid of going to bed early, not being able to sleep and ending up having a slip. I bought a bottle of wine with what I had budgeted for dinner, drank it and sort of passed out for about 2 hours. I woke up hungrey. Then I woke up to the smell of onions cooking. The friend who let me stay in his motorhome was using the kitchen. I kept quit until the second time he came in the kitchen, and he 'woke' me to tell me there was leftovers. I jumped up as soon as he left and ate like a pig. I think the wine was a poor way to stop a masterbation slip, but if the agony of laying awake hits me for hours and I end up slipping, it may be worthwhile to get a prescription for a sleeping pill. I have an appointment with the pysychiatrist Friday to review the anti-depressants and I will discuss it with him.
These are really only temporary solutions. I know it is not the 'recovery' or healing like what I really seek.
I am slowly devising a plan to having a life. Someone is coming to pick me up to get some diesel so I can move my big truck, and I got a battery for my motorcycle to get it going so that next payday I can insure it and use it to go to a sex addiction meeting, lawyer visits, and things like a course in dealing with children in marital seperation that I signed up for. These are all 100-200 kilometers away. I even found a small tent- that I can take with me if I have to be overnight. I have my regular counsellor but I will seek someone with knowledge in sexual addiction. I rely on a cell phone. I am going to change to another service provider because it provides better coverage in the areas I travel (in the Rocky Mountains) at work. I will get one that has a personal organiser and e-mail ( I saw some used ones in the paper) so I can keep my self organised (extremely important to keeping me progressing, and motivated.) and the e-mail so I can keep in touch with other's in recovery.
I'm wondering where Looking-up is. I hope she's okay.
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Post by Sunshine on Sept 11, 2007 17:40:14 GMT -5
Tim- You are going to be one strong man when you get to the other side.! There has been so much pain in your life, and my heart breaks for you. Tim- I wish I could tell you something that would help heal your broken heart. But the only place I know where you can be truly comforted and healed is through Jesus. I know that you have had bad experiences with religion, but religion is not the answer. Jesus is. You are so special to him. He died so that you can live. So many churches are dead. People don't even know the greatest commandment. They judge, and withhold forgiveness, and forget to love. And then they think they are doing the will of God. Go figure. All I know is that I have seen people cured of terrible illnesses. I have experienced the liberating power of forgiveness. I have felt unconditional acceptance and love. When you feel all is lost, cry out for him and he will answer.
Montana Sunshine
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Post by amaninfull on Sept 11, 2007 17:58:11 GMT -5
Timoteiy (by the way, where did you come up with this nickname?)
Regarding drinking wine in order to sleep: I think you have your priorities in order. I certainly wouldn't recommend drinking a bunch of wine every day, especially to someone who has shown to be addictive, but you're right to put your rest as a priority. A sleeping prescription might be good - of course, monitor yourself so you don't become dependent. When I was first separated and nervous about going to sleep (I thought there was a good chance she'd come into the house in the middle of the night and be violent), I occasionally used those little pink over-the-counter allergy pills, and they knocked me right out without much of an aftereffect. (I'm a lightweight when it comes to drugs, though.)
You're right to get your transportation situation in order, too. You might want to think about a car as winter will be coming on soon up in the mountains.
Your situation is hard, no doubt about it. But if you keep doing what you're doing - putting one foot in front of the other every day - you will find yourself in a better situation one day soon.
Way to go.
AMIF
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Post by timoteiy on Sept 12, 2007 14:02:07 GMT -5
Thanks sunshine. I keep away from church people as a rule because it make me feel isolated and shamefull. That's me, not the churches or the people. I agree with the spiritual principle though. I'm just carefull not to get engaged too much with religious people because I don't want to get involved in church hierarchy. Jesus had a perfect teaching though. He gave the definitive example of forgiveness. All of us pale in comparison to that.
Amaninfull. Thanks so much for giving me you opinion on the insomnia. The wine was more or less a desperate waist of time. I'm no going to repeat that experiment. I'm more afraid of the sleeping pills, because they do work. Since they do work, I wstand a good chance of becoming addicted to them. I may try the Gravol (mabe this is similar to what you are refering to) because there is less chance of addiction.
I have an appointment to see a high school counsellor conserning my son. Yesterday I found out my kids are staying at another couple's house for a few days and my wife took off out of town. I fear for her. She makes rash decisions. I have no idea if the departure out of town is due to emotional breakdodwn, or there is no cause for concern. I got diesel, moved my big truck out of the way so I could sell moe wood, got a battery for my motorbike and insurance.... now I have transportation and can get out of town to find more recovery, and deal with legal etc., aspects of my life. I have a 6p.m. (1800hrs) app't with the counsellor and want to deal solely with keeping clean, since I am getting a bit of normalcy in the rest of my life and need to keep sobriety going or all is lost.
I wish I had more time to read other's journals and post. I have a the morning coffee shop group right behind me and my postin takes up real social time. I feel wierd posting this and occasionally having short discussions. My kids are staying at the cook and his wife's house (their son and daughter and my son and daughter are friends and the same age. He's sitting right behind me now talking) I don't have the option of a private computer. ( It would be a trigger)
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Post by timoteiy on Sept 12, 2007 16:06:02 GMT -5
The full emotional impact of what I found out this morning hasn't hit me yet.
My wife left the kids at the other kids house and took out of town because she has a new boyfriend allready, and they are off on some romantic get together. I got it out of the kind of double agent friend that lets me stay in his motorhome.
There's a battle going on in my mind now.
There was still part of me that wanted to get back together with her and that part is hurting bad.
The logical part thinks that this may be an opportunity to get legal and financial gains.
The father part thinks that my kids are in danger of gross neglect. I need to double my efforts to make sure that they get some stable parenting. I talked to the high school l counsellor an hour ago, about my son . I had allready talked to the district elementary school counsellor about my daughter.We agreed that we can't pressure him to talk, but it would be good for him if she introduced herself and got to develop a relationship with him so that he would have an independant person to talk to if the need arose.
Since my wife took another week off work she will end up short on money. I'm not going to rescue her on that.
Today I will be trying to contact other's in recovery for sexual addiction. With all that is going on I need to keep my sobriety front and center. I need to stay away from the general board here and avoid the situations that trigger me into defensiveness and dishonesty.
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Post by arctic on Sept 12, 2007 17:51:32 GMT -5
Hi Tim,
I though I would just drop in to say hi and thank your for visiting my journal earlier. You always seem to have a truck-load of things to deal with and I wish I could offer you some solid advice. But all I can say now is that I'm here and following your story.
But let me say this in reference to what you wrote in my journal: the voice recognition technique and the whole philosophy that revolves around it has really worked for me, and I'm glad I've become a student in it, after having searched for something that makes sense for such a long time. Although voice recognition is not going to magically transform your life into a better, it can give you a helluva edge in staying sober. And with acting out behaviour out of the way, you can really put your mind into attacking your goals with full force.
You've got spirt mate. Tap into it!
Your friend, Arctic
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Post by amaninfull on Sept 12, 2007 18:51:32 GMT -5
Timoteiy,
I'm sorry you had to suffer another shock to the system when you are already reeling. My heart goes out to you.
I must say, though, that there may be a silver lining here. For one thing, I think you may be starting to see the reality of who this person is and the kind of choices she makes in her life. Although it can be very painful, I think it is always better to have the veil pulled from our eyes so we may see reality more clearly.
Sadly, the choices she is making do not seem to be in the best interests of the children. (This is also consistent with my experience: many things my ex-wife did during our break-up seemed motivated either by wanting to make herself feel better quickly, or else by wanting to hurt me, and in both cases she set aside the needs of her children.) To look after your children's interests, you may want to document what you know in case a situation arises where there is a dispute about custody, for instance.
I imagine at this point that you are at peace with the idea of no longer giving her any sort of financial support.
It's great to keep your focus on recovery. At this point, I would think that abstinence is "good enough". After you have stabilized the situation for yourself and your children, you can spend more time and energy addressing some of the underlying issues.
There are people who care about what happens to you. Your children. Myself and others on this board. Hang in there, guy.
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Post by unhappyheart on Sept 12, 2007 19:05:06 GMT -5
I am still new at this and many things, so I unno how to advice you but this is me cheering you ons
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Post by timoteiy on Sept 17, 2007 16:23:16 GMT -5
If not viewing porn is the only thing I needed to do to determine that was "SOBER" then I have been sober for a month.
Porn never was a constant portion of my addiction though. I never had an affair on my wife. I never raped anyone. I never hurt anyone physically. I don't have a habit of being verbally abusive. I'm not a mean person. Although I've lived my life as a big tough guy I put the strength to use in doing work.
I have never been idle, or homeless. I have allways worked, had good paying jobs; I have allways supported my family, tried to give my wife the things she wanted. (-and ended up broke and in massive debt)
I'm having this dialogue with myself. Last week, in the middle of not having masterbated for a week, and my life, in general, having improved the week before, something triggered my shame about myself, not just about my addiction, but WHO I AM. My wife had left town, as it turns out, to go on a romantic interlude with some old flame, boyfriend w.h.y., didn't tell me where she had dropped off the kids, took the week off work. WHen I found out where they were, it turned out I was being accused of not caring about them! I saw them whenever I was not working. Without a vehicle, without a home. I was a business owner foreman, now I have one of the better paying jobs this town has to offer.
My wife knows how she can control me by shaming me. She told me she thinks I should move out of town. I have been paying for the mortgage of the house she lives, in, the car she drives, and have been making heavy payments on another 40,000 dollars worth of debts. I live homeless, and pay everything I can out of my paycheck leaving only enough money for food. I shower at work, eat at a buffet. Anything I can I spend on my kids.
This is legally verifiable information. There are significant others here that are blinded so much by their anger at addicts that they would prefer not to believe this is true. I am not all evil.
My wife wants me to tie the loans into the mortgage, plus extend many thousands more to finish the massive renovations, which remain unfinished. She also wants me to leave town. THis I know because she said so.
Shame here is not just some aspect of my addiction.
Shame is an important weapon in the psychological warfare which is being wage in order for my wife to get what she wants. She spends alot of time, everyday, on the phone, visiting people, talking to people she finds out that I have talked to. Sharing about my addiction to the Alanons of Alanon (the 'S.O.'s of Alcoholics Anonymous.) and the recovered alcoholics. Talking to the Christian Evangalists about my lack of faith. Talking to the women who work with her at the woman's shelter about her abusive husband. Every part of this town, everywhere I go, I am a hot topic of gossip. Sometimes I feel like I am going to explode into a destructive rage, and I have to retreat to stop myself from reacting in front of people because this would destroy my chances of having a life.
This is dirty politics pure and simple. It has taken its toll on me for sure. I do spend a significant portion of my time hiding in shame.
This is a battle. Its a fight to keep my sanity, my integrity, my sobriety.
But they say that what ever doesn't kill you will make you stronger.
I have steadfastly refused to engage in engaging my children in the battle. When they attempt to 'bond' by reporting more incidences of my wife's rage, I tell them that I failed to deal with it, so I don;t have the answers, and it might be worth talking to another adult that might be able to help.
I refuse to engage in throwing insults at my wife to mutual acquantances.
I have used this forum as a means to vent. If someone reads this and doesn't like it, too bad. This is my journal. I will stay away from the general board, because I realise this is an unconscious attempt to engage in trying to make myself right with other resentfull SO.'s that become unwilling surrogates for my wife.
I need to keep my integrity, stay away from the unsolvable shame that destroys me. stay away from the sex addiction that destroys it all.
I am unable to withstand the horrible feelings of low self worth without a slip.
So I need to stop believing the sources of shame.
This is a fight for my self worth. I will not be a father to help my children through their pain if I allow this to destroy me
I'm going to repeat that if I have to from time to time . I am a victim of my own shame for having this addiction. I hide, feel suicidal from time to time
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Post by Sunshine on Sept 17, 2007 19:01:04 GMT -5
Tim-
Today is a new day. I talked to my DH today about how long he has been P free. (100 days on Friday) He said that is not important to him- only today, and what he does today. You cannot change what happened in the past- only what happens today, and then tomorrow, when it becomes today. And do not worry about tomorrow, because today has enough problems unto itself. So, you have sinned in the past. This means that you are human. I'll bet that even your wife has sinned. In God's eyes, all sins are equal. Please hold your head up high, because you know that you are trying to do right. Please don't let your wife make you into a punching bag. I think people make themselves into victims by not trying to change their circumstances. Obviously, you are trying to change your circumstances. Be strong, one day at a time- one temptation at a time. Just cry out to God when things seem too much for you. I have done it and it helps. I feel bad that you are so alone.
I will pray for you-
Sunshine
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