likealion's journal

[likealion]

Just checking in for a quick thank you to G-d for helping me stay clean for almost a month now. And thanks to Mr. Ouch for his encouragement.

[likealion]

I celebrated my 1 month sobriety anniversary on Tuesday night, coinciding with the first night of Chanukah. That night, I got home after 3AM and was vaguely tempted to fall off the wagon. Fortunately, my internet connection wasn't working properly. I fell asleep without incident.

On my walk home last night, I cried to G-d, asking him for forgiveness for my many sins, and begging Him to help me guard my eyes.

I am excited about reaching the 40-day mark. There is a Jewish tradition that someone who sins in MB is shunned by Heaven for 40 days.

[nowforever]

Great work likealion!

Happy Chanukah to you ...

[likealion]

Today was a humbling day for likealion. My defenses fell away one by one and I was back to surfing the P. I started out by looking at some softcore and soon it was on to the HC. I held out from MB and the pay sites for a while, but ultimately I gave in to those, too. I would probably still be at it if my friend had not called me. I did not climax (at least that line of defense is still solid).

The main reason why I was weak today is because I played a concert last night. Rock and roll and alcohol tend to bring out my animal nature. I got physically overstimulated and I wanted to "get higher".

I'll have to think of ways to protect myself better in the future.

I am happy that I stayed sober for 32 days. It felt great to be free of that clinging desire that P creates. The battle for long-term purity resumes NOW!

[likealion]

I was thinking today that switching to a P-free life is like converting from oil to solar energy. Everyone is aware that oil pollutes, is expensive, causes geopolitical conflict and strengthens unsavory religious theocracies. Solar is a limitless source of energy that could free us from all of the aforementioned problems, if only we could harness it properly. But there is a lot of inertia and greed when it comes to oil.

So too, there is a lot of inertia (and greed) when it comes to P. I started looking at P when I hit puberty, and I became heavily addicted to it when I got a broadband internet connection about 5 years ago. Last year, I started to get serious about breaking my addiction, and thank G-d, I have made some progress.

My most recent period of sobriety allowed me to get a glimpse of how good life can be without P. I strongly crave that feeling again. This is key to my new strategy -- to replace the evil cravings with cravings for purity and wholeness.

My Sunday indulgence left me feeling like I had spilled crude black oil all over the beautiful garden that I had been tending for over a month. Now I'm in the process of cleaning it up. With G-d's help, I am focused and determined to weed P out of my life, permanently.

[likealion]

It's been a rough two weeks since my last post. I slipped back into my old pattern of weekly bingeing. Thankfully, it has been many months since I wasted seed. Sometimes the world drains me, and that's when I crave the numbness that P delivers.

My old computer (the source of 99% of my P) wasn't working because the power jack came loose. I went out and bought a new MacBook, because I wanted a computer that I could record music with. I am very happy that I have not used the new computer for P at all. (However, I was able to get my old computer working again, and that's why I slipped.)

I just re-read an article by Naomi Wolf in which she posits that P makes real women less desirable in the eyes of men. She's right. P has seriously warped my perception of women. I've been going out of my way lately to have normal conversations with women my age. Part of me can't understand why real women go on talking for more than 10 minutes without taking their clothes off. I have actually googled pretty women that I have known, expecting to find naked pictures of them somewhere on the internet. In my twisted mind, all pretty women live secret lives as P stars.

I have been praying lately for G-d to not only help me kick the P habit, but also to help me find a wife. I pray that I be able to have a "normal" relationship with a woman. I'm trying to convince myself that a "normal" relationship involves compassion, compromise, humor and patience. P has seriously deprived me of those qualities.

[likealion]

I has been almost one week since my last abusive episode. In the interim, I had the house to myself. It was the first time I have been truly alone since I bought the house 4 years ago. I basically abandoned my bedroom and moved into my spacious living room.

Let me explain about my bedroom. It houses my bed, several bookcases, a closet and some musical equipment. A few weeks ago, I decided that I would not MB in any room except for my bedroom. With one brief exception, I have maintained that pledge, and I consider that a small victory. However, the lustful energy in my bedroom has risen to toxic levels. In particular, it clings to my bedsheets and covers. Moving to the living room was a good move. I would have dreams in which my soul was crying out for me to stop abusing it with P. Soul, I hear you! I've tortured you enough for one lifetime, G-d forbid.

Last night, my roommate came back from vacation, so I moved back into my bedroom. I washed by bedsheets, but I was too lazy to replace the covers. Tonight, I must replace the covers, because I hate the dirty, lustful feeling that clings to my body. Next step: reclaim my bedroom by filling it with positive energy.