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Post by likealion on Jul 19, 2007 9:10:12 GMT -5
This morning I felt something of a breakthrough. I woke up early to attend the circumcision of the child of a friend. I brought with me 3 of my friends who have been my houseguests since Friday. One of these friends happens to be a girl whom I have had a serious crush on for a year and a half. I tried dating her at one point, but things did not work out between us. Since Sunday, I have woken up to the sight of her sleeping in my backyard alongside another of the above-mentioned friends of mine, a man with whom I am currently involved in a recording project. It is obvious to me that they are having some kind of a relationship, even though they do not touch each other in front of me. I have no proof that they are having any kind of physical relationship, but my envious heart tells me otherwise. Yesterday my envious feelings were so strong that they consumed me the entire day. There is a teaching of the Sages that "Envy, lust and the pursuit of honor remove a man from the world." Just when I was starting to make progress with fighting lust, envy takes over.
At the same time, having these three guests stay over (the third guest is a single man whom I suspect also has a crush on the same girl) has given me a tremendous spiritual boost. I felt that having them around has enabled me to advance spiritually more in the last week than in the whole rest of the year. Partly it is because I want to set a good example for them (I am older) and partly it is because they are brilliant, spiritual people who inspire me to improve myself.
In my dream early this morning, I was shown some P magazines. Before things got out of hand, a great kabbalist of recent times, the Baba Sali zt"l appeared to me in the dream and removed the P. I am humbled and grateful to God for this vision. I feel like I have allies, and I don't want to let them down.
As far as my three friends go, I pray that they all get married soon and live happily ever after. May God remove the envy, jealously and pursuit of honor from my heart so that I may serve Him with a whole heart, in purity.
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Post by likealion on Jul 20, 2007 12:18:42 GMT -5
Last night I came home from work and my life was back to it's usual routine. Just me and my brother in the house, and that dirty little laptop sitting there on the kitchen table, waiting for me to abuse it. Fortunately, I did not turn on the computer, and I made it safely through the night.
I heard one Rabbi say that being alone in a closed room with an computer is equivalent to being alone in a closed room with a woman other than one's wife (known as "yichud" in Hebrew). I think I would be wise for me to follow that advice and keep the computer out of my bedroom for good. But the truth is that I have looked at P in nearly every room of the house ...
I am praying to God to help me make it through this weekend without stumbling. May all the warriors on this board be blessed with the strength to win their respective battles.
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Post by likealion on Jul 21, 2007 22:04:27 GMT -5
It's Saturday night. I got drunk last night and again today ... I bought some Arak; it hit me pretty hard. Now I am sober. As opposed to last weekend, this time I am pretty much all alone and feeling kinda lonely. Objectively speaking, I recognize that I'm at high risk right now for P, but I am determined to stay away from it.
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Post by likealion on Jul 22, 2007 15:31:53 GMT -5
It wasn't hard to see it coming, but I messed up. I was conscious of the whole decline. Last week, for the first time in my adult life, I can honestly say that I was able to keep my mind clean the entire week -- even from indulging in fleeting thoughts of P, which I never thought was possible. So I'm grateful for that accomplishment at least. Then, last night, I saw an ad in an online newspaper of a model, fully clothed, but somehow it triggered the floodgates. The lust entered my bloodstream and I could not purify myself of it. I was plagued with P thoughts all night. This morning I tried to fight it but I ultimately I gave in.
One lesson I'll take from this is not to be alone on the weekend if possible. Last weekend, being in the company of friends made all the difference. I get into trouble when I'm all alone with my thoughts.
Something else that has been bothering me is the constant talk of an another upcoming war in Israel. People are talking like it's inevitable. I cannot have peace of mind when my brothers and sisters are being threatened.
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Post by likealion on Jul 25, 2007 12:16:21 GMT -5
Yesterday I fasted in memory of the destruction of the Holy Temple 1,937 years ago. It is so much easier for me to keep my mind clean when I am fasting.
Fighting P addiction is like fighting a war. I feel like my previous successes at abstinence have allowed me to reconquer parts of my mind and soul. However, there are still places inside me where the devil is entrenched (as my all-too frequent stumbles have proven). All I can do is keep fighting, and with God's help, hope that each clean day brings me one step closer to the ultimate victory over this sad addiction.
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Post by likealion on Jul 26, 2007 13:19:00 GMT -5
I would like to acknowledge one of my secrets weapons in the anti-MB/P war. This past fall, I starting dunking regularly in the mikvah (ritual bath). I didn't go as much during the winter (the lock on the front door was frequently frozen shut), but this summer I resumed going about twice a week. Now I try to go every day if possible. On the days that I don't go, I feel icky the whole day. Taking a shower doesn't help remove the feeling. Only the mikvah does the trick.
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Post by likealion on Jul 27, 2007 13:27:33 GMT -5
Last night I almost blew it. I am almost certain I would have stumbled ... were it not for the fact that my internet connection was down. I've been pretty depressed since Tuesday. I have not returned my friends' calls or been motivated to do much of anything. But if I can make it through Sunday, I will have made it through a P-free week. I know, it's supposed to be one day at a time, but I can't stop my mind from thinking ahead.
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Post by nowforever on Jul 29, 2007 11:40:08 GMT -5
Hi LAL,
You are doing a great job. You are a wonderful addition to these boards.
Keep up the great work and hang in there ....
-NF
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Post by likealion on Aug 19, 2007 7:37:55 GMT -5
It's been a few weeks since I've visited this board. I have been struggling. For the better part of last month, I indulged in P and MB virtually non-stop. It has been many years since I have acted this recklessly. This past week was better. I was sober from Sunday-Saturday. Last night I planned on going to sleep and waking up at a reasonable hour. It is 8:30 AM, and I am still awake, fresh off of a 6-hour P/MB binge.
I have watched so much P over the years that it is extremely difficult to find new images that excite me. Instead, I just return to the same familiar scenes, craving the dopamine rush.
I found an anti-porn site which explained in neurochemical terms the challenges that P addicts face. That site reported a survey in which P viewers were challenged to stay clean for two weeks. I believed a majority failed the test. "Two weeks!", I thought. "I can do that ... after all, I have done it before." I made it one week. The post-MB hangover is supposed to largely disappear after two weeks. It has been months since I have made it that far.
I realize that I am weakest when I am tired. I have been sleeping very erratically lately. In addition to my full-time job, I have been devoting long hours to music production. Then there are my unemployed friends who want to party with me until odd hours. One of my resolutions to aid recovery should be a more regular schedule.
Beating this addiction is my number #1 goal. I think about it all the time. I at least take solace in the fact that P and MB are slowly becoming less enjoyable to me. If only I could reach the point where the only thing that turns me on is a loving partner.
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Post by likealion on Aug 20, 2007 12:12:35 GMT -5
Checking in to report that I made it safely through last night. I did not get to sleep last night or wake up this morning as early as I would have liked to, but I had a good time last night and I feel great, especially for a Monday.
On Monday nights my friends know not to make any plans for me, because this is my "night off". My goal is to get to sleep tonight by around 11PM, and to wake up early tomorrow morning.
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Post by likealion on Aug 21, 2007 14:17:36 GMT -5
Today the sky is grey, raining and the temperature is chilly. At least the women on the street are covering their bodies. Makes it easier for me to stay sober. After this summer, I fully understand why religious Jews hide in bungalow colonies when the weather gets warm. The temptation of seeing millions of nearly-naked women walking the streets is too much to bear. Maybe the Iranians have the right idea with their modesty police.
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Post by likealion on Aug 22, 2007 19:34:48 GMT -5
Well into Day 3 and so far so good. The weather has stayed cool, which as I mentioned yesterday, makes all the difference. The goal tonight once again is early to bed, early to rise.
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Post by likealion on Aug 23, 2007 21:49:41 GMT -5
I've managed to stay in the zone and away from the P this week. My mind has been almost complete occupied with music and spirituality. I am really in my own world, and as long as that world stays P-free, that's alright with me. Here comes the weekend ...
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Post by likealion on Aug 26, 2007 13:36:52 GMT -5
I stayed focused yesterday and went to sleep early without incident. Now it is Sunday and I'm downloading music. I have a pretty strong urge to hit the P, but that would just put me right back in my once-a-week indulgence trap. My goal is to make it at least 2 weeks P-free.
My credit card bill has over $100 in P charges from my recklessness over these last few weeks.
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Post by likealion on Aug 29, 2007 20:05:59 GMT -5
Shortly after posting my last entry, I stumbled (insert sound of falling down the stairs). But a wrote another catchy song about trying to improve (that's #2 ... 10 more and I'll have an album, although I hope I don't have to stumble 10 more times before I kick this habit).
But thank God, I got right back up again and started trying to set things right. My weekday routine is strong right now and I've been going to sleep at reasonable hours, so staying clean during the week has been much easier lately, thank God.
The weekend is another story. Saturday and Sunday are like dark alleys. I almost always stumble in 'em. I'm trying to make plans to get out of town this weekend so I'll have a distraction.
Recurring thoughts I have are that many of the friends I have made over the last three years are not real friends. I have hosted 100s of people over the last few years because I wanted to make my house a place of hospitality. I still want to provide hospitality, but I think it is important for me now to be more selective regarding whom I hang out with.
I think I'm ready to raise a family. During my last MB disaster, I thought to myself how much nicer it would be if the computer were soft and fleshy. Alas, it is nothing but a seductive hard drive. The computer has been my wife for 12 years! Computer, I divorce you!
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